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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you class this as financial abuse?

41 replies

thismousebites · 19/08/2013 10:13

If you we're a full time samh and your DH never contributed to food,DCs clothes etc and to top it off installed a safe and put all his disposable cash in it?

OP posts:

Report

Hawkmoth · 19/08/2013 10:14

Yes. Are you ok?

Jovellanos · 19/08/2013 10:15

Depends. If I had a private income it probably wouldn't bother me.

maleview70 · 19/08/2013 10:15

If you don't work and he doesn't pay go food etc....how do you manage to get it?

Shellywelly1973 · 19/08/2013 10:15

Yes!! You need to get legal advice asap...

Elsiequadrille · 19/08/2013 10:16

Yes. But I'm wondering how you do manage to pay for those things.

Elsiequadrille · 19/08/2013 10:16

I'm guessing you don't have access to the safe?

flossy101 · 19/08/2013 10:18

Well yes. Do you have any income
Of your own? How do you manage to pay for stuff?

thismousebites · 19/08/2013 10:19

Not me. Luckily I got rid of mine
No, a friend who is struggling financially as she has to buy food clothes treats etc out of CB.
Her Dh never contributes as he sees it as he pays mortgage electric etc.
I told her that him locking money away was abusive but she just can't see it.

OP posts:

Jovellanos · 19/08/2013 13:33

'Locking money away' is not in itself abusive. Sounds like your friend and her DH need to have a talk about their financial affairs, if he doesn't realise food and clothes need paying for just as much as mortgage and utilities. What did they agree when your friend gave up work to be a SAHM?

Lweji · 19/08/2013 13:37

If she knows the combination and feels free to take money out, it's not abuse.
If she doesn't, or is "not allowed" to take cash out, then it's abuse.

WithConfidence · 19/08/2013 13:41

Jovellanos, if he doesn't realise food and clothes need paying for, I find it hard to believe he is capable of having a job or functioing as an adult.

expatinscotland · 19/08/2013 13:43

Yes.

WithConfidence · 19/08/2013 13:44

OP, show her this when she is at yours or print it off for her.

Twinklestein · 19/08/2013 14:31

Of course locking money away in this circumstance is abusive...

thismousebites · 19/08/2013 15:07

No she doesn't have access.
AFAIK their finances are pretty good. Her DH runs his own company so not struggling.
she never had what you might call a career but she has said how she would like to get something, even if it's only part time. But her DH has told her that , if she gets a job, the childcare will still be her responsibility so she will have to fork out for childcare in school hols. Refuses to help out with these costs so I think she feels a bit stuck.

OP posts:

caramelwaffle · 19/08/2013 15:12

Yes: the circumstances you describe are financial abuse.

Lweji · 19/08/2013 15:18

She'd be better off leaving with the children.
She'd get benefits and child maintenance.

She should show him the CSA calculation for child maintenance, plus what she would be likely to get over a divorce (the use of the family home, plus a good part of his savings and house).

LessMissAbs · 19/08/2013 15:23

So why is she still with him then?

He has only told her she will do this, not actually done it yet?

Was the situation for her to be a SAHM a joint one, or does he feel put upon to give her money and feel she should be contributing financially?

It doesn't sound like the sort of happy relationship anyone would stay in.

Jovellanos · 19/08/2013 16:47

Locking money away in a safe is no different from locking money away in an ISA or savings account. Locking money away is actually a pretty good idea.

The problem is the OP's friend's marriage, which sounds a bit shit.

Twinklestein · 19/08/2013 16:51

Jovellanos Locking money away so that all food & clothing costs have to be covered by child benefit??

TwoTearsInABucket · 19/08/2013 16:51

Can't see how she would afford clothes and food out of CB alone.
If she got a job then surely he should contribute tochildcare as she provided all the child care previously. So he is standing in her way of being more independent.

Squitten · 19/08/2013 16:55

Her relationship doesn't sound good at ALL!

thismousebites · 19/08/2013 17:30

Well, she had her own small business when Dc1 was a toddler and I think practically any money she made went on childcare so when she became pregnant for a second time, she closed it down as she said she just couldn't afford to keep going and pay for 2 children in childcare. Don't think her DH helped out financially at all at the time.
I do remember that she was a bit unsure about having DC2 but apparantly he was all for it, so it's not like he resents her not bringing any money in.
I know that when she applied for a full time job about a year ago, he reminded her that it had better pay well as she would need childcare in the morning and after school too.

OP posts:

Lweji · 19/08/2013 17:35

Do encourage her to get a good FT job and LTB.

CoalDustWoman · 19/08/2013 17:40

If they are married, it's not his, it's theirs. He'll find that out when they divorce.

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