Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DP is a lazy fucker.(180 Posts)
Ok, thread title may be a slight harsh, but seriously. I'm losing the will to cope.
DP is not in work (made redundant in June) and has always been shite in the mornings but its getting fucking annoying now. He gets up between 10 and 12 most mornings, leaving me with three DC under five. I have no family support.
I'm so bloody resentful, the kids love him and DD1 thinks its great cuddling a half asleep daddy even though I'm the one who gets up with them.
Some mornings I leave the baby in bed with him while I sort the older two but the other day I came upstairs to find her absolutely screaming and him fast asleep wrapped in the duvet
Sorry this is a muddle, I'm pretty angry right now, this isn't the only issue. What do I do? I've tried forcing him to get up, leaving him to it, suggesting taking it in turns to lay in, and nothing works. Even when he had a job he'd ignore his alarm and end up rushing out of the door. He's 22, if that makes a difference.
Is this a problem? Am I just a control freak? Never posted here before.
Lweji- the problem I have with "threshold" is that I'm more concerned with what he, or even just the general public, would think.
For example if he lays in bed again until 12 and ignores my pleas for help then I would want him out. But I wouldn't be able to do it, because I don't want him, or anybody else, to think "You threw him out over a lay-in? "
He worked away at the beginning of the year, and it as blissful (apart from the sudden abundance of spiders!). But everyone used to ask me pitifully how I'm coping, as it must be so hard on my own with three kids, and I used to say "Actually... It's easier without four!"
I WILL be confident again.
I'm sorry, I can't let this go. Why did you choose that username?
You must tell him what your threshold is.
And then there are no pleas and no feigning surprise.
Because one will become 2 and then 3 and so on.
If you ask for help he must get up, no arguments and no excuses.
And so on.
You don't need an excuse to end the relationship. You don't have to justify yourself.
You just need to want out.
Thank you Lweji, that does make more sense. I'm a rubbish boundary setter. Need to be more assertive!
Vivacia - it was just something an aftershave seller shouted at DP and his friends on a night out and I found it quite amusing, this was about 14 months ago mind but I've only just started posting
Thanks for taking the time to explain. I guess it's a difference in taste/humour but I find it really offensive. Shudders
yes nosplash so in fact things will only ever be calm if you put up and shut up, so to speak. So even though you might slightly feel that you're in control now, having asserted that you wish to raise the bar, in fact, he is still in control because you can't challenge him. You MUST forgive him or there will be aggression. I'm not saying that you could have done anything any differently!! my own break up came after a long series of my trying to raise the bar, draw a line in the sane, demanding respect........... I think all he ever heard was white noise. He used to compliment me for being "nice" when I didn't have the will the challenge him. The 'me' that he liked best was a me that didn't exist. It was a creature that had had the chutzpah vacuumed out of her by all the other pointless aggressive rows that had lead nowhere in the past, so that me that just plodded along on autopilot, that was the me he liked.
hope i'm not going off on a tangent here. this was my x after all.
What lweji says really resonates now. I never explain, justify or defend. NOW. But that is where my brain is now. It has taken me years to get to this point.
I don't know if you can make a man like this who has a history of not showing you any respect at all suddenly start respecting you. :-/
I think he might be motivated to fake that respect if it is the most convenient thing for him to do in the short term.
But never mind really, your journey here is a private one I think. I always read that quote "what you think of me is none of my business" when somebody upsets me. It really helps me.
Well, I'm back, so as you can probably guess, I'm not good.
DP was going to some bbq/drinks/gathering thing this weekend - planned for a while. However when he got there on Friday (its only up the road), I think he must have felt a bit of a twat cos everyone else had brought their kids. He asked if he could take the older two on Saturday, I said they'll love it.
He took them, brought them back for bed at 7 then went back again to (I'm guessing) get very drunk. Before he went, he said DS had loved it and could he take him back on Sunday? I said yes, good idea, and he said he'll pick him up at 1.
So today I told DS (he got excited) and then planned our whole morning around this. I made sure he was fed, watered and ready to go.
Only he didn't fucking turn up did he.
DS is only 4 (nearly 5) but was clearly angry and shouted at me. All I could say was "He'll be here soon"...
"D"P waltzed in at 2pm, not apology or explanation. I asked why he wasn't home for 1.
"I went to play football and couldn't let you know because my phone died."
"If your phone died why didn't you not play football then so you would be back to pick him up?"
"Errr.. Because I wanted to play football."
And this is the crux of it. What he wants, when he wants and this time it affected DS. He doesn't give a shit, does he? He's like a sulky teenager being "told off" by his mum (me) and I can't. Fucking. Stand. It.
I'm crying now.
Now your son's hurting, are you less bothered about appearances?
Where are you now and what's your partner doing? Lots of people here to support you.
As soon as (let's call him T, for twat) turned up, DS was happy and all was forgotten. The girls were excited to see him. And I'm left bubbling with resentment.
T is now at the party/whatever it is, I'm at home wondering why I'm so pathetic.
As lots of you may already know, there aren't many things worse than having the person who should cherish you make you feel like shit. I've had it with my family and every partner I've ever had. I hate him, and I hate myself, just want to disappear because he isn't going to.
I'm too scared to suggest it because I think he'll agree... I can't cope with rejection at all
The way he treats you now is a form of rejection. The only difference would be that with him gone you could focus on making yourself happy and strong.
I never thought I would be happy again after I came out of an abusive relationship. I thought no one would want me, a young single mum.
Turns out I was completely wrong. I am very happy and have met an amazing man who treats me well
Anything is possible when you focus on yourself and your own well being.
he took me upstairs and apologised and had suggested ways he can change
And so presumably when he wandered back in after an entire weekend of partying, you pointed out this was one of the ways that he not only could change but had to change if he wished to remain in a relationship with you?
My guess is no, because you feel too scared to rock the boat again so soon - he will make out that you are never satisfied because he did something off his own pick list of 'things to make you happy' one time in the week.
You have had far too many disappointments for such a young life and it has left you appallingly vulnerable to this kind of parasitic twat. But you can make a better choice for yourself. You have three children to raise - you do not need excess baggage.
Ok, so if you want to stay with him, what are you going to do next? Try talking about change again or just put up with him?
You don't cope with rejection.
If you decide to call it off, you are not being rejection.
You wish he loved you enough to do whatever he can to keep you.
But he doesn't. Face it.
Tribpot - yeh that's right, I don't want to rock the boat, as it were. He'll make me feel like I'm crazy because he's been so good all week.. And I can imagine the old: "So I can't play football with my mates now then?" will be brought out. When I'm mad at him I'm short tempered with the kids. This is yet another thing I hate myself for but I can't guarantee that leaving him will solve this because I'll be on a whole new level of heartbreak.
Vivacia - I doubt he'll want to talk because its less than a week since our last talk. And so I'll have to put up with it. All I can think to do is try to blank him all night. But I can't do it. I'm so chatty and bubbly and I don't want to keep it in.
I keep fantasising about being with, say, a solicitor (I'd love to work in Law!.) Its not just the money but the security, maturity, intelligence, motivation and amibition of such a man. I know that sounds bloody awful but I've just lost all respect for him, especially since he drunkenly admitted on my birthday to taking coke behind my back a number of times and then lying about it.. Even four weeks before I was due to give birth.
I must attract these "men" with my pathetic vulnerability.
Lweji- I know, you're right, and it hurts so much. Why the fuck can't he treat me with love and respect?
I admit, I used to be a bit of a bitch and had an awful self-destruct mode which meant I could be pretty horrible, to boyfriends in particular. (Thanks for another fantastically useful lesson in life, Mother.)
But with him... I changed. I loved and respected him and never lied and looked after him. Encouraged his dreams and hid my jealousy as best I could. I even paid for as much counselling as I could afford 18 months ago (only 4 sessions sadly).
All this and he's still a cunt to me. Fuck's sake.
For what is worth, solicitors are not necessarily better than him.
It seems like you had your barriers up and let them down for this man, but he's not worth it.
You will find someone who will, but not while you are with him. Sorry.
Lweji- I know, I know. That's me just daydreaming but luckily I'm not naïve to think a "successful" man would necessarily make me happy.
Children aside, I think I wish I'd never met him. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get out of this one.
I was in a similar situation with my ex before T. No one ever thought I'd leave him. But I did, and never looked back. However we didn't have babies together, or a house, and he lived a good 30 minutes away.
T knows full well that with his name on our daughters' birth certificates he has full rights to be involved with them, even if he doesn't exercise this right (ie he was an hour late today because football was more important).
I'm jumpy enough as it is and I'd constantly be worried he was going to turn up or something.
I feel sad, stupid and trapped and I'm going to be stuck in this cycle forever, aren't I?
security, maturity, intelligence, motivation and ambition
You could find this in a man of any employment, you just need to get out there looking!
How do you feel about spending the rest of your life with T? When I imagine it with my partner I feel gratitude, hopeful and kind of light.
I'm going to be stuck in this cycle forever, aren't I?
You can break it as soon as you're ready, don't feel any pressure before then.
Vivacia - good point, I never saw it from that angle. Always imagined someone with good qualities would have money - wow, its just occurred to me that that's what my parents led me to believe. They had money, and didn't want me to end up with someone "working class", as it were - even if he made me happy.
Ok, I'm thinking now of the rest of my life with him. It doesn't feel good for a start, I really really want to get married, but I feel like I'll NEVER be able to unless I paid for the whole fucking thing myself. He never saves. I have a rainy day account, and accounts for the kids that I pay into monthly. He has nothing of the kind.
Also he's been violent more times than I care to remember, and people always say this gets worse. Great.
He'll be back later no doubt in a good mood because he's with friends, but I won't be allowed to be annoyed with him because that's classed as "carrying it on".
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.