Feel helpless and don't know what to do

[Lj8893]

Sorry this is long and I'm very emotional so some parts might not sound right, ill try to keep it together long enough to right this.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant, my partner is usually very supportive and we generally have a very good relationship.
Tonight we went to a party and he ended up quite drunk, (he doesn't drink often) and at first was lovely, really soppy etc.
suddenly he turned really nasty and I felt he was bein aggressive. He was in my face swearing and pointing in my face "fucking listen to me" etc.
It all started because we were talking about what our wedding will be like and he said he wanted his friend S to be his best man. We all had a bit of a laugh at this (me, his mum and sister) not meaning to be nasty, but just because he is a much older guy, and has a lot of health problems and would struggle to make a speech. Now we realised very quickly how mean we were being and apologised. And tried to change the conversation. But my partner went on a massive rant about how nobody cares about him, nobody listens etc etc. him and his mum had a heated debate about that which I was trying to calm down, and that's when he started being aggressive shouting in my face. His mum went mental at him and told him how dare he speak to me like that and to apologise etc, eventually she had to walk away as she was so angry.
I then took myself upstairs (we live above the pub we were in) and got very upset and he came in and just carried on shouting at me and started saying how I'm so ungrateful for everything he does, that I'm completely full of shit, that I'm mental, that I lie about feeling ill and tired to get out of doing stuff, like cleaning etc (which is not true, I do more than my fair share) and that last night I lied about having a tummy upset just so he didn't go out, again completely not true, I had a very poorly tummy and would have much rather he did go out so I could shit in private without him in the room next door (sorry tmi!!)

He's now gone to sleep and I haven't stopped crying, I was sick because I couldn't breathe properly and had a panic attack. I thought about phoning my mum an asking her to come and pick me up but its late and I don't want to worry her.

[Lj8893]

And to top it off, I'm starving hungry as we don't have any food in and was going to get a takeaway but then all this happened and now the takeaways have all shut.

[SeashellHoarder]

Hello, sorry you are going through this. I didn't want to read and run.

I don't have any great advice to share apart from please go and eat something, even a bowl of cereal or some dry bread.

I personally would go to my mums, she would want you to call her if you were upset / needed help.

Please prioritise yoyrself and your baby above everything.
Take care.

[MadameBlavatsky]

Bloody hell, you must be so shaken up, how DARE he do this to you, you are 30 weeks pregnant with his child ffs!

Take some deep breaths now, calm your breathing, slow it right down till you feel a bit calmer. Get yourself a drink of water and a biscuit or some toast and cereal.

One thing at a time my love. Have you got anyone you can call, either now or in the morning?

He has done something dreadful tonight. Has he ever spoke to you like that before? How long have you been together? Do you have other DC?

[MadameBlavatsky]

Just re-read your post. If your mum is supportive i would ring her, i would want to know if you were my DD. If this is the first time he has ever done anything like this I would seriously consider telling him to get out, or for you to leave. This can never happen again and if you accept it or brush it under the carpet he has no incentive to make sure it doesn't. Now is the time to be unequivocal in your stance. Zero tolerance for abusive behaviour is the only way to deal with it.

For me that would be a dealbreaker, I have been in an abusive marriage and no longer put up with anyone in my life that would scream and shout at me - ever. I understand that being pregnant you must feel so vulnerable. That makes what he has done so much worse. DA often starts in pregnancy sadly, that vulnerability bring the reason IMO.

[Lj8893]

Thank you both.

We literally have nothing to eat, not even bread. We have just moved and haven't done a shop yet.

I haven't stopped crying for about 2 hours now. I really don't know what to do.
He hasent spoken to me like this before no, of course we have had the odd row where things have been said but its been a mutual row. Not like this, I just feel completely attacked and belittled.

We have been together about a year and a half and this will be our first child.

There are people I could call now/in the morning but I wouldn't know what to say, I don't want to make a big deal out of something that he could apologise for tomorrow. And if we make up later, I don't want my mum or friend etc to think badly of him. I know that sounds silly.

[WafflyVersatile]

They should think badly of him. And he should apologise to them as well as you for his behaviour.

Once he's sober and not hungover you need to have a really good talk, find out what the fuckety fuck he was on and make him understand that this behaviour will not be tolerated again.

1.5 years is a short time to be having a kid together. Was it accidental? Is he stressed about being a dad? Is he really committed to this? How old are you both? What sort of relationship has he had with his mum? Does he have resentment towards her from how he treated him? I'm wondering if you laughing along with his mum triggered something.

[MadameBlavatsky]

There is no excuse for his behaviour, not one. It already is a big deal, you telling people will not make it worse. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he does. Anyone who thinks badly of him should do - he verbally abused his pregnant partner!

If you don't minimise this, or brush it under the carpet you have a chance of ensuring that it never happens again. If he thinks you will accept it it may happen again or get worse. A line has been crossed. If he faces up to what he's done and accepts full responsibility maybe it was a drunken mistake that can never be repeated. You being completely clear about that now could save you much heartache in the future.

I hope you manage to get some food soon too. Off to bed now, I hope you get some sleep and feel better tomorrow.

[SeashellHoarder]

Hi LJ, how are you doing this morning?

I think the advice From the other posters about zero tolerance is great.

Also tell your mum and go and visit her - she will want to help.

[Vivacia]

Another vote for demonstrating to him that this is absolutely won't be tolerated.

Hope you're feeling better today, being tired and hungry is horrible and makes it difficult to think straight.

[Lj8893]

Good morning, Thankyou for asking.

I've had a few hours sleep and have taken myself to costa to get something to eat and treat myself to a hot chocolate!

I feel a little better and am going to wait and see if he apologises first before I bring anything up.
Depending on how it goes this morning I may go to my mums for a couple days break, for my sanity, and to hopefully make him a have a little think about it and realise I'm not going to tolerate it.

Thanks again to all of you.

[SeashellHoarder]

Go to mums any way, even if he apologises.

Spending a couple of nights in your new place alone will help your dp realise he is in the wrong.

also your mum will likely remember what 30 weeks pregnant feels like and look after you.