Wait to meet someone or go for it alone?

[bluewavesatsea]

I would really welcome some advice. I am a member of another pregnancy/parenting forum but I do read on here sometimes and want to get a perspective from people who don't know me.

I'm not sure where to start except that I am probably seen as successful; I have done really well in my career, I own my own property, I have a rich and varied social life. Not many people know I am actually very lonely. I have wanted to just have a family of my own for years but I've never met a man. When I turned 30 I promised myself if I was in the same position in three years I would try alone. Three years passed and I'm still in that very same position. I just don't meet single men - anyway I am now about to start trying for a baby and suddenly have last minute doubts and fears as to whether I'll be able to cope and if I'm throwing a chance of happiness with someone away.

What would you do?

[mermaid101]

I don't know - it's a hard one. I do know of someone (a friend of a friend) so I don't actually know them properly, who did this when they were 37.

She now has a child who is about 2 and from all accounts is doing well. She has a lot of help from her own mother: she lives very close to her and her mum provides a lot of child care which allows the person to work. She appears pretty happy with her situation.

[bluewavesatsea]

It is so difficult. Thanks for replying :) honestly, someone else acknowledging it isn't an easy thing to do helps!

[waddlecakes]

Where do you live? Is the reason you're not meeting single men because you live in the back end of nowhere?

[mermaid101]

From my very limited knowledge of the situation I have describes, it seems to have hinged on the amount of support she receives. Having my own DC now, I do think this is crucial. What the person has said is that because she is on her "own" with the DC, she really appreciates being able to see friends regularly. It sounds as if she and her mum are sort of "Co perenting".

Do you have a lot of support around you?

Good luck. I have a very wise friend who always says to me "there are many, many ways to live you life. It doesn't need to be the way other people do it to be good"

[Letsadmitit]

What are you doing in order to meet single men?

As for going ahead in your own, well... I can say that it's not for the faint hearted and can be an incredibly isolating experience. It all depends on what network of support you have around you to help you raise that child.

If plenty of supportive family around (around like happy to lend you a hand several times a week for years to come) go ahead if not... Hold back.

[bluewavesatsea]

Waddle, as my dad keeps informing me, I live in a very densely populated area! Honestly I don't know what it is but it has never happened.

I have many friends but no family support - that said my lack of family makes me even keener than most to have my own, I couldn't never have children, I don't think.

[jazzcat28]

I have a friend who is in a similar dilemma but hasn't actually decided to make a start yet. Main things holding her back are how she would pay her mortgage if on mat leave/paying for childcare? Also how she would manage drop off/pick ups with her work (teacher). She has no family close by and although she has a lot of friends this would mean she would need a lot of support to do it.

If you are in the lucky position to have support networks in place and the financial security to not have to worry about how to pay the bills then why not?

There are lots of single parents who manage.

[bluewavesatsea]

Childcare is a nightmare: I can afford it but it won't leave much left over.

[obviouslyneedsupernanny]

You will be able to cope alone. But s think you should hold out to meet someone. I became a single mother (totally, no involvement from father) not through choice at 21 and now, at 24, am in a good place, still wish I was part of a family rather than just me and DS. Have you actively tried to meet someone or sort of just waiting for it?

[Letsadmitit]

Yes, I'm one of those that manage even without family in the country but good grief, it is not easy.

I'm happy, i adore my child, the work is relentless. I am a single parent through divorce (and my ex deciding not to have contact with his son). I am happy, but It is relentless. I would not have gone into this on my own if I had had a choice.

You may like to check the lone parents topic to have a glimpse of how difficult it is to raise a child on your own.

[Letsadmitit]

Agree about actively trying to find some one. If you have not done so, do.

[bluewavesatsea]

I have actively tried to meet someone, yes.

I realise it isn't easy to raise a child alone (although much of the angst on Lone Parents is related to the behaviour of ex-partners) but I have always known I simply have to be a parent. I can't imagine never being a Mum, but do wonder if I should give it longer.

On the other hand I have been waiting over a decade!

[PollyIndia]

I got pregnant accidentally at 36 and am now single mum to a 10 month old i had been single for 2 years when I got pregnant so I had started to wonder if I had kids but I never thought I would go it alone. If i had known the. what I know now, I definitely would have. I am lucky in that I earn decent money and I am able to work part time and earn enough to pay my mortgage etc. Because I have my own business, my accountant was able to set me up to get maternity pay through my business. But it is still a bit scary, that it is all on me. My parents are 200 miles away, so limited support there but I have a big network of friends and my sister is nearby so we are always out and about and busy.
I am not convinced it is THAT much harder on your own. Obviously the ideal is to be with someone you love and want to be with forever, but lots of my friends don't seem to be in that ideal relationship and then their husband/boyfriend ends up being an additional source of stress. When it is just you and the baby, you can find your rhythm and make things work for you. The things I have missed most are being able to go for a run and exercise when I want and lie-ins. I have not had a lie in for 10 months!! My one weekend off I went to Glastonbury, so no lie-ins there!!
I think 33 is still young so I would try and meet someone, but know that if that doesn't happen, you can do this in a few years and make it work. My situation was not planned at all but I wouldn't change it now fr all the tea in china.
Good luck.

[PollyIndia]

Sorry, terrible typos. Am on the iPad.
I had started to wonder if I ever WOULD HAVE kids... Etc etc

[PollyIndia]

Also I suppose it is still early days for me and the baby stage is easy I suppose... Maybe it will get much more tricky in the future.

[bluewavesatsea]

That's lovely Polly - so happy for you.

I am typing on my Kindle and keep putting full stops instead of spaces!

I wouldn't be too worried about my age if, say, in the three years I allocated myself I had had relationships; even if they hadn't worked out I could have taken it as an indicator. It's more that there has been no one - not even a sniff!

Ironically I have met two men I was attracted to but both are.in serious relationships (I didn't know this at first!) It does seem to indicate though that most are.with someone.

[CynthiaRose]

Hi Op

I was pretty much in the same situation as you (although I'm not sure how successful I was, reasonably well paid job though, enough to save money). I am now 37 and have the most ridiculously gorgeous 16 month old twins. Far and away the best thing I've ever done and so pleased that I went ahead with it.

I tried hard to meet men, did internet dating, speed dating, singles nights, all that stuff. Found it totally soul destroying and never met the right person.

Happier now than I've ever been and would still like to meet someone one day, but now it doesn't matter when, I feel like huge pressure has been lifted.

Happy to answer any questions about the process!

[CynthiaRose]

I made the decision at 35 by the way. I was never going to be someone who has a whirlwind romance, so I figured even if I met someone tomorrow, I'd want to spend a couple of years with them, then you've got to conceive, 9 months being pregnant, etc etc, the numbers didn't stack up any more.

[PollyIndia]

Wow twins Cynthia rose! That is impressive

[IsisOhIsis]

I didn't plan to be a single parent and I have no family support, no help/support from dd's father and few friends. It is incredibly hard. Harder than you can ever imagine or be prepared for! Would I chose not to do it if I could go back? No, of course not! It's the most amazing thing I've ever done and every day is a delight, even when its so hard I don't know how I can continue! You won't regret having a child (imo), you may well regret not having one. Massive bonus if you have supportive family nearby though :)

[CynthiaRose]

I know, Polly! I have to say I nearly didn't do it for fear of having twins, but so bloody glad I did now.

[bluewavesatsea]

Cynthia, thank you and massive congratulations on your twins! Did you have one of each?!

Soul destroying just about sums up my experiences - not helped by kindly meant comment from friends saying they are sure I will meet somebody. Quite honestly I don't see how.

Did you have IVF?

[dirtyface]

i would say just do it OP

you WILL meet someone, one day.

and a decent bloke will not be bothered if you have a dc.

[bluewavesatsea]

I don't know, dirtyface (great name!) - I hope so, but I'm not hopeful.

[minkembernard]

I really wanted to have kids. I met someone at 33. It was not ideal but j was knocking on a bit so we had kids when i was 35.
Tbh i would have been better having them on my own....but and it is a big but, unless you have either lots of money and or babysitter on tap, it will be tough on your own. i am now lp and rely on friends and his family for baby sitting. nd i know it sounds obvious but really you cannot go anywhere once you have a kid unless you find a sitter or bring them with you. no gym. no walks on your own. no nights out. no nipping to the shop for a pint of milk.
The hairdresser, the dentist etc. all become a logistical nightmare.
Who will help if you are ill?
so, make sure you have some plans for how you will get some me time.

I with you though on the being unable not to have them.