Obliged to be the bad cop

[loppydog]

I'm sure I'm not alone in this so if there are any more guys out there with a similar problem please let me know.
My partner and i have a little boy of 2 years old. He's a normal adventurous little boy into everything. Obviously there are times when he needs to know that there are places he can't go and things he can't play with. Now here's the rub; it's always me who has to play the bad guy, my partner, though she does say no to him, will not follow through with her prohibitions. This leaves me in the position of having to watch the situation deteriorate into a screaming match or intercede on behalf of my partner. Becoming as it were the "enforcer". I hate how this makes me always the bad guy. Constructive comments please.

[waddlecakes]

Have you talked to her about it? What does she say?

[loppydog]

Yes I have talked to her on numerous occasions, she seems quite happy with the situation even though she is obviously distressed when our son is not taking any notice of her. I know this sounds contradictory but that's the way it is.

[WafflyVersatile]

Hm. Well being the 'bad cop' doesn't mean you will be less loved. Children are not harmed by boundaries and they can also learn that there are different rules with different people/places, ie nursery, granny's house etc. I'm not sure what you can do about your DP if she does not want to parent the same way. I appreciate it must be frustrating but I don't really know what to advise. Most parents will have slightly different styles of parenting.

Sorry that is not very helpful.

[cory]

I am in a bit of a similar situation: dh agrees with all our rules, but somehow finds it more difficult to enforce obedience. I can get more done by raising an eyebrow than he can by fullblown shouting. I think some people just project more energy.

When they were younger it used to annoy the hell out of me that dh would tell them to stop doing something whilst leaning back weakly on the sofa: how on earth did he expect to have any effect when he couldn't even be bothered to sit up straight and look as if he meant it? We had countless discussions about it, he agreed in theory with what I said and nothing ever changed.

Funnily enough, it has become easier now that they are teenagers: they accept that daddy's inefficient grumbling is just part of the (on the whole lovable) person that he is and that mummy has her flaws too.

[ohtobemeagain]

If she never follows through and you always have to step in, then your DS will never have respect for her. Annoying at 2 but far, far worse when he reaches 10, 15 or adulthood.

[misskatamari]

It sounds like you guys need to sit down and watch an episode or two of supernanny. She needs to set boundaries for the kids and ensure they respect them. It is unfair on you that you have to be the "bad guy" and in the long run will just create more problems as you partner will just feel more and more helpless and poor behaviour will escalate without consequences.

You need to sit down together, decide on some "house rules", explain to the kids, explain the consequence of not following instructions when a warning has been given (naughty step/ time out etc) and then you both need to be consistent with these consequences. Good luck, I really hope you get a handle on it

[misskatamari]

A big massive issue is if she tells them to do/ not do something and then doesn't follow through if they continue to ignore her. It needs to be made very clear to the kids that if they don't do as they are told there is a consequence - otherwise why would they bother behaving, they can get away with what they like. Believe me, I'm a teacher and see the result of that in teenagers - you really want to nip it in the bud before they get older!

[loppydog]

Ironically during our pregnancy we were both fans of supernanny and we both said the same as you guys about the need for consequences and following through what you say to the child. Unfortunately when it comes to getting of the sofa and putting it into practice the system is failing. I wonder if I'm making things worse by interceding ? BTW thanks everyone for your thoughts on this.

[SeashellHoarder]

Hi op, we are in a similar situation, roles reversed. To the point where our 2yo has a phrase when I tell her not to do something "only with daddy".
Consequently It is much harder work for dh to look after dd than for me.
The pp who said children adjust to different rules based on whose looking after them is right.
I have now come to accept dh's lack of discipline, she only has very limited time with him anyway, I can see this might be harder if your dp us the main care giver.
How is his behaviour with you / other care givers?

[amverytired]

Are you talking 'naughty step' sort of consequences? Regardless of what supernanny might do, plenty of others believe that this sort of consequence is not appropriate for a 2 yo.
Distraction, removal from danger and some other sort of positive behaviour modelling is more appropriate, along the lines of 'oh, puss cat loves being stroked like this' while you pry 2 yo hands off cat's tail.
It is exhausting sometimes dealing with toddlers, have you had a chat with your dw about how she sees you sorting this going forward?

[amverytired]

I would also decide on which things are definite no nos, and let the smaller stuff slide. Lots of parents wouldn't bat an eye at a toddler climbing on the couch. Pick your battles.

[JustinBsMum]

Try not stepping in when there is 'melt down' - sneak out of the room or something. If DW has to deal with screaming toddler then she might learn it pays to be firm. If you always step in she doesn't get the consequences.

I don't think you can nag someone into doing something so telling her won't work.

DC will learn what's what. As long as you are also loving it won't matter if you are strict.

[Nerfmother]

Op I feel for you. Dh does the same and it's always be. Ds is ten now and autistic but the end result is they pretty much jump when I speak and ignore him while he stands there whining ' they won't do what I say!' Or ' I've asked you loads of times ds' or 'you're in big trouble now' all fairly ridiculous and I am tired of having to step in to back up whatever ridiculous thing dh has said.

[Lweji]

I'm not sure what you are complaining about.

Do you feel sorry for your wife?
Or are you afraid your dc will think you're the bad guy?

You are not playing bad guy. You are being a parent.
I'm the enforcer, much more that anyone in my extended family and the children (DS and DNs) still love me.
You just need to be fun and caring at the appropriate times.

I wonder if your DW is actually just much more tolerant than you are and doesn't really want to enforce the rules (yours?).
If you sneakily distract before the meltdown, do you think she might absorb such tactics?

Could you both get a book and work on it together?

It's different to know the theory and to apply it.

[cory]

"I'm the enforcer, much more that anyone in my extended family and the children (DS and DNs) still love me.
You just need to be fun and caring at the appropriate times."

This has been my experience too. Dc don't love me any the less, there is plenty of time for being a fun parent as well as a strict one; you don't have to sacrifice one for the other.

[JulietteMontague]

Do you do most of the childcare or are you both doing it together most daus? if not your DW must be managing when she does her bit without you. Does she welcome your interventions, think they are necessary or does she simply have her own way of doing things. Whag you see as supportive she may think as interfering and if she feels undermined that would make the situation even more tense.

[JulietteMontague]

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