middle aged crush. married. just want it to stop. Mid life blues.

[scorpiomyrtlock]

I have posted on here before but have become quite unhappy recently- having developed a crush on a colleague. I can't stop thinking about him. nothing has happened - he's with someone and Im married and anyway, its all in my head and there's no evidence he feels the same way.
This whole mid-life thing seems to be hitting me really hard. I don't want to leave my marriage and it would be a total train wreck if I ever acted on any of the feelings. But, am I doomed to getting random crushes on people now for the rest of my life? Does it stop at some point? How do you actually stop it becoming an obsession? I had 21 years of happy marriage and never thought about another man. And now in the last 12 months I have had a one night stand (which I posted on here before about and don't want to unearth all over again - it ended and no further contact) but unfortunately now have crush on new OM. I have an extremely demanding job, 4 kids and plenty to do so I'm not sitting around bored. It just seems to be something I can't control like it comes out of the blue and just hits me.
I am happy with my DH, there aren't any issues and he's loving and kind. Its just the fantasy of the "new"....I thought all this would stop as I got older. It would be OK if it just faded after a week or two but I have been plagued by this for a good few months now and its just such hard work. There is no way to put any distance between myself and this OM we have a professional relationship. Please help. Words of advice, sorely needed.

[TramadolDaze]

Don't want you to go unanswered OP . Sorry you're all in a mix at the moment - I don't know anything about you or - well - you know but I can tell you that the menopause has been making me stir crazy. Serious batshit crazy. But only in small little episodes. Little windows of insanity! Could this be affecting you too?

[scorpiomyrtlock]

thank you, yes it might be - it hasn't started yet (Im 47) but maybe hormones etc? I had counselling last year which helped me a bit, but then, has it really helped the root cause of the problem, which seems to be that my head is so messed up it is telling me to s* people that I have to work with.

[MexicanHat]

Hi OP. Doubt it's your hormones tbh. There are a lot of crush/emotional affair type threads in Relationships so it's probably worth reading lots of old threads for advice and for other peoples experiences. HTH.

[arsenaltilidie]

Seems like your DH is the only stable/non demanding 'thing' in your life.
Your DH probably represents growing old, looks fading etc, hence you are starting to look for validation elsewhere.

Frankly you need to concentrate on your DH.

[Dahlialover]

Just a quick one to say that I have been the same recently - 2 mad crushes after never having had a crush in my life. Fortunately, it is just that. I now seem to spend my life getting some sort of ultra satisfying response out of poor DH.

Just stopped taking pill after many years and menopausal. Blaming my hormones.

[scorpiomyrtlock]

thank you everyone. Not sure how much comfort to take from this but it does help to know I'm not totally alone.
There's definitely something in the growing old thing, and we all have to deal with it. Guess it just hits different people in different ways.
It's so wierd, I associate having crushes with being a teenager and one assumes one gets older and so-called wiser. But - seemingly not in my case - I seem to be getting less wise the nearer i get to my 50s.

[cupcake78]

I wonder if its a boredom thing? I find when things become routine and tedious my head begins to turn and suddenly people seem attractive.

You said you keep thinking of 'new'. Can you focus your need on something else. Arrange a weekend away with you dh somewhere different. Go camping if your not used to it or visit a city. Rediscover the fun! If you can't do that book yourselves on a day course of bread making or rock climbing. Anything can work as long as its fun.

It's very normal to want a bit of something new and exciting its where you find it that's worrying you. Take some of the control back

[scorpiomyrtlock]

definitely not a boredom thing - am too busy to be bored! agree that new and exciting is the thing that is attracting me. And partly the ageing process, that thought, oh my god, is this the last time anyone will ever find me attractive (apart from my spouse) - not that i even know that he does find me attractive - this is all in my head. But the wanting him to, the fantasy. Yes i need to focus on my H, part of the problem is that the work we are doing is so all-consuming and my H isn't really part of it - for the first time in my adult life I am doing something that he isn't involved in and it does take up most of the evenings and weekends. I am loving the feeling of doing my own thing, learning new things, meeting new people, and doing it on my own terms. No idea if I'll be successful, but I think that deep down I needed that. Maybe this crush is all part of this feeling. I don't have the time to spend on weekends away with my H, its just not practical. I will need to learn to keep on drawing boundaries within the situation because there is no way really to change the amount of time I spend with this OM.

[swallowedAfly]

just to ask the obvious question - how is your sex life with your dh? do you get validation from him of yourself as a woman and a sexual person rather than just as wife, mother, etc etc?

[swallowedAfly]

sorry - multiple posts. the reason i ask is because your talking about 'you' with all this new endeavour. it's not so much the age thing that i'm hearing as the emerging self again and with that waking up maybe so is your sense of yourself as an actual person with a life story to live etc and that includes your sexuality and everything that is 'us' beyond the roles we take on. not sure if i'm making sense.

but if your husband doesn't engage with that 'you' and is just engaging with the roles then that you would be looking for love, sex, validation, recognition, whatever elsewhere.

[sassyandsixty]

I've been in a very happy marriage for 40 years but am STILL plagued by fantasies about old boyfriends, men I have fancied at one time or another - these ghosts will never go away, even if I manage to lodge them on the back burner, and if I ever bump into one of these people (old school reunions etc) the whole sorry thing starts itself up all over again. My advice is to treat them as that - very irritating fantasies. It's just the brain amusing itself, but very annoyingly. Maybe we have bits of ourselves that like to prod, probe and try to find out what would have happened if we'd taken a different route in life. I feel I've wasted so many hours making up scenarios etc when I could have been writing brilliant novels, screenplays, being generally more creative or just making real life better. If I ever find a solution, I'll definitely let you know!! Sorry to say, but I don't think it's anything to do with the menopause.

[worsestershiresauce]

Hmm, well everyone on here has been all very nice, but what I actually think you need to do is stop validating this in your head and give yourself a proverbial slap.

Put it this way if your DH realises you feel like this he in turn might decide to have his own mid life crisis and walk out on you. Is that what you want? It's one thing to have crushes and fantasies and one night stands safe in the knowledge that you go home to your nice nice life, loving husband, and family. However, the inevitable outcome of investing your emotions elsewhere other than your marriage is that your nice loving partner will feel neglected, unloved, unhappy, and you will wreck their feelings for you. Once you've done that it is very very hard for them to resurrect them. I speak from experience here.

So, go home, invest all the energy you are currently putting into thinking about excitement outside your marriage into your marriage. Appreciate what you have. You'll miss it when it is gone. You really will. When you betray a partner's love and trust you kill something in them, a spark, the thing that made you their 'one' not just their girlfriend. What will that leave you with? Not a lot really.

[scorpiomyrtlock]

Swallowed-yes sex life with dh is good - he likes to try new stuff and we've been pushing the envelope which we both enjoy. No problems here. And honestly, this was enough for me until quite recently. But-you are right when you talk about emerging self.
Sassy-I really value your take on this. Do you ever talk to your dh about your "irritating fantasies?"
Worcestershire-no, of course I don't want my marriage to end, this is why I have come on mn to try to make sense of the feelings I have so it doesn't wreck my marriage. There is no way I have been "validating anything in my head" I know full well it is totally wrong, or why would I post on here about it?

[swallowedAfly]

right so what has it been about these particular men that you've had the crushes on?

what qualities did they have - what was it about them?