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Advice from those who have gone through painful breakups please

(15 Posts)
enderwoman Sat 17-Aug-13 01:36:01

H left in Feb after 13 years together and 3 kids. He had an affair and was emotionally abusive to me.

I have gone utter devastation to anger/feeling strong and now I feel wobbly again. These days I can't even read threads about affairs and relationship breakups without welling up and feeling like Od been cheated on again. I desperately want to pay back the kind ladies who offered me support by holding the hands of people in the same situation needing support.

Ex is seeing the kids EOW and midweek and paying more than the CSA amount so no problems on that side but I feel really frustrated that I seem to be regressing. I am on anti-d for anxiety and had counselling from the MH team and was feeling stronger but I feel my mood rapidly crashing again.

I don't want him back and just want to move on. Is it normal to regress? When can I expect to feel better again?

Dearjackie Sat 17-Aug-13 09:11:51

Hi enderwoman sorry to hear you are feeling like this again. I have just broken up with long term boyfriend, he was also emotionally abusive and cruel. Somebody on here said to me give yourself a year and to expect to be on a roller coaster of emotions during that time as you try to process all that's happened

I suppose to regress can be normal, and actually I still have moments of regret and wishing regarding my marriage that ended years ago

I know the feeling of wanting to be over something NOW. Can you go back to the MH team and have further counselling? flowers

redballoons Sat 17-Aug-13 15:04:41

Hi, I'm also sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. I can't help but think that you might be expecting a bit too much of yourself in terms of recovery. Six months is nothing. I know it's sad and frustrating as you just want to move on (I have had a similar experience) but be kind to yourself, treat yourself well and acknowledge that this is part of the healing process.

skyeskyeskye Sat 17-Aug-13 15:17:06

Six months is nothing and are still going through it. I'm 16 months on and still have down days. I went on anti D's and was doing ok but crashed after the divorce and regressed quite a lot.

It is only normal , just try and keep yourself busy as much as possible. Try not to dwell on it, easier said than done I know, but I know myself, if I start to think about it then I feel sad.

Joy5 Sat 17-Aug-13 16:36:37

Just wanted to add, i've been in a similar situation for nearly two years now, and was so emotionally and verbally abused i developed an eating disorder, was so skinny even size 8 jeans wouldn't stay up!

Now i'm in a much better position, so much stronger but still have down times. Last week my ex collected our two youngest sons on Sunday, and for the first time his gf was in the car, usually she waits at her home, what it did to me, waving my sons off with her in the car, was as bad as it was in the first few months.

But now nearly a week later, i've felt strong enough to tell myself off for letting it get to me so much. So what if shes in the car, i've done nothing wrong and got nothing to get upset about, shes the one who started a relationship with my ex.

My eldest son died almost five years ago, bereavement to me is so similar to grief over the end of a marriage, it comes and goes, you're not regressing, after more time has passed you'll be able to look back and see the worst times get further apart, and the nice times grow. Think as the worst times get less, you notice them more. Its a shock when they happen again, so don't think you're regressing, you're not you're moving on all the time even when it doesn't feel like it.

Sending hugs, wouldn't wish this on anyone. x

wellthatsdoneit Sat 17-Aug-13 18:11:59

Yes, it's normal to feel as if you're regressing. You may feel like you're not moving forward, but you are. My divorce has been highly acrimonious involving me standing trial for child abduction (he lost) and him not paying a bean towards the kids or I since he left with the OW, but, after two years I finally feel I am through the worst.

The 'bereavement' of divorce is a funny thing. People are sympathetic for the first few months and then get impatient that you're not 'moving on'. Easier said than done when the 'corpse' is still walking around in all his offensive glory with the ow. It's a wound that keeps getting re-opened and re-opened. Theres no quick fix, you just have to wait for the passage of time. Eventually, you will start to accumulate 'non-ex' memories, and these will overwrite the memories of when you were together.

The pain is absolutely unimaginable and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. At times it felt inhumane just to be expected to continue living (I have kids and would never leave them). Just keep putting one sorry foot in front of the other. Eventually the grief will ease a little to enable you to shoulder it more functionally.

BeforeAndAfter Sat 17-Aug-13 18:15:32

Hello Enderwoman

I found that my recovery required a mixture of time and getting through certain milestones. The first six months was a real roller coaster of highs and lows but I made a concerted effort to move forward, forge new friendships and get myself and out and about. Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I just could not be arsed to “fake it and make it” and I just hit the chocolate and stayed in bed, bawling my eyes out, but for the most part I tried to move forward. The second six months were much better and I started internet dating, largely to entertain myself (definitely not in search of a relationship). That period of time was mainly good fun but then the anniversaries and family events started popping up - birthdays, Christmas, wedding anniversary, long-planned family weddings, special dates etc and I found myself dreading some of those (I am definitely guilty of making the lead up to some of these far worse than necessary with my fretting) but once through them there was a sense of “oh well, I survived that and it wasn’t so bad”.

Without doubt the various stepping stones in the divorce process were the hardest and I did find that some of the form filling and notices set me back. I wobbled big time when the decree absolute came through and actually made some substantial changes to my life following my formal divorce all of which were the right thing to do.

I can say, hand on heart, that I have never been more at ease, comfortable with my life and downright happy than I am now.

The whole recovery process for me took two years from discovery about the affair to coming out the other side of the divorce. Without question there were periods when I took several steps backwards but overall the direction of recovery was the right one.

It does take time, a long time, but please don’t let my words dishearten you - it’s better to be fully informed in my book. I was better able to cope with my pain because of some very honest MNers who gave me the facts. There were times when I was bawling my eyes out and telling myself that I was fine and normal because ABC and XYZ and told me this would happen.

Good luck with your recovery and don’t think it’s your fault or that in some way you aren’t coping. Recovery from such an awful discovery takes time and you are totally normal.

Take care

B&A x

comingintomyown Sat 17-Aug-13 18:31:54

Hi

for me from being told he didnt love me to full recovery took around a year. I did make a lot of effort to get over him though and also knew it was the right thing for us to split but it was still around a year

The following year I would still have moments of upset and things like moving house and getting divorced werent pleasant.

I think about my XH a lot and think perhaps thats how it will be for years because for 17 years he was my partner and we have DC together. I just try and sit with that really alongside getting on with my life

enderwoman Sat 17-Aug-13 18:36:05

Thanks guys- it's great to hear from those of you who have been there. Logically I know that 6 months is a very short time to get over a relationship that lasted more than 24 times that (especially when you have to be civil for the kids).

Thank you so much guys. I am sorry that you had to go through this long term pain too.

Lahti Sat 17-Aug-13 18:44:05

I split from my STBXH in Feb too. I had been getting stronger, but my decree nisi arrived in the post this morning. Seeing it in black and white was a bit of a wrench. Just trying to look forward to better times now.

RedRedWyne Sat 17-Aug-13 18:54:36

I agree with others, for me coming out of an abusive relashionship that lasted 16 years ( not all abusive) it took me about two years to fully heal. Now I'm much happier and carefree and I can see him for the twat that he really is smile thankfully we never had children to think about. You will get better, promise.

str8tothepoint Sun 18-Aug-13 06:52:39

You don't deserve any guilt or to be feeling sad, he was the one who did wrong. You need to be positive, get strong and realise your happier without him . Focus on something maybe you always wanted to do for you that will take your mind off things. We're all here for support, stay strong x

Maria1001 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:28:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pallasathena Mon 06-Feb-17 11:08:49

Its perfectly normal so don't beat yourself up about it. Its part of the moving forward process to take one step forward, two steps back until you reach a tipping point where time, peace of mind and small moments of confidence and empowerment begin to blur the memories as you change from being a 'victim', to a survivor and then a thriver.
Best advice? Believe in yourself and your power to overcome and succeed. And always, always, always put you and your children first from this point on.

Zombie thread. Op long gone

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