Help with dealing with alcoholics. Has anyone been to Al Anon?

[Birdy28]

My DM is an alcoholic.

It's destroying DB and me.

I'm scared of going. I'm ashamed of going. I'm not very good at talking about it.

What should I expect? Does it help?

Do I have to talk when I go?

[notanyanymore]

I don't know, sorry, but I want to go too as DB is an alcoholic and would like to suppprt DSil to go, but its very hard for her to get away.

[Birdy28]

Notnotanymore, could your sil join book club?

Apparently they meet every week? There are some amazing guides out there that could provide appropriate cover stories guides every weeks?

[jemimatime]

I couldn't attend in person (difficult pregnancy, then a newborn and ther practicalities ) and they don't offer over the phone advice, apparently, said they couldn't help if I couldn't physically get to a meeting.

[notanyanymore]

I'd certainly try my best to get her to look into it, I feel like we (his family) compound her situation in some ways (I.e he-s begging/crying for her/threatening suicide) you give in. Its all so fucked up.
I think Al Anon is worth a try too tho, just to speak to someone that understands your experiences and might be able to offer some advice on useful strategies? (Altho everyone is different, and so many people have told us what we 'should do' which sounds like bollocks we always end up saying 'oh but, they don't understand that...') but maybe a roomful of people who actually HAVE experienced akin to what your talking about might have more of an impact? I'm sure they wouldn't MAKE you speak up straight away

[notanyanymore]

jemimatime I always imagined there was more help available, until you experience it. Then it seems like your completely on your own trying to help/protect someone you love. Surely there must be some support out there? ...somewhere? !!

[Birdy28]

I just had a thought and I know it's a hard thing to do so please tell me if I'm wrong in suggesting it.

Considering that many of us hide this situation in an attempt to help those involved and we are ashamed for going, shouldn't we tell those who are the alcoholics where we are going and why we are going?

Would it help them to realise the consequences of what they do?

[Birdy28]

Notanyanymlre, it's so true. They almost hold you to ransom because you know how how fragile they are and are scared that if you force something on them or tell them the truth then they there is the fear they will they will do something stupid.

There is a line between being helping them when they are at their worst and realising your attempts to help them are futile and only destroying yourself.

It's just hard to find the line. If you let them, they destroy you.

You hurt for them and the pain they go through.

You hurt because you can't make them feel better. You feel guilty for trying to have your own life and sense of normality.

You worry in case you go out and they choke or fall and hurt themselves.

You feel guilty for telling them the truth in case it touches a nerve and they use as the reason to end their life.

It's endless.

[Shrekingallover]

Hi Birdy28,

I highly recommend Al-anon. I am the child of an alcoholic father (sober 29 years now), a recovering alcoholic (sober 16 years) and the partner of a DH who has an alcoholic DM (still drinking and slowly going mad). Alcoholism exacts a terrible toll on everyone who comes into contact with it and many people do not realise they need as much help as the actual drinker. I know it sounds odd but often, very slowly and insidiously people who live around alcoholics develop behaviours which make them as dysfunctional as the drinker and certainly as unhappy.

The misery, feelings of powerlessness and attempts to control the alcoholics behaviour would drive even the most reasonable person to despair so Al-anon recommends turning our focus away from trying to change that situation and focussing on what we need to change in ourselves to make us happier and more comfortable. You may already be aware that no amount of begging, pleading, threatening or whatever it is you have tried will stop your DM from drinking so it is a waste of time and that will drive you mad.

Alcoholism is an illness, one that tells the sufferer that they do not have it. That their drinking is reasonable and that other people are just interfering. It's like being bonkers, all the evidence points to a problem but the alcoholic is on such a state of denial that they cannot/will not face it. Coupled with a physical reaction to alcohol that almost forces them to drink it's a potent combination. Underneath all of that is a load of other emotional/psychological/spiritual stuff that can be worked out over time but requires the alcoholic to stop drinking first. It's a viscious cycle and one that can only be broken by the alcoholic.

I know the disease concept of alcoholism isn't everyones way of thinking about it but certainly helped me understand my behavour and that of my father and took some of the blame and anger out of it all. It does not mean I am not accountable for my behaviour but it helped me see that I was not just a horrible person who drank too much I was in fact quite unwell. However, I would not have changed if people had continued supporting my drinking and bad behaviour and was grateful when people withdrew from me. I then discovered that I had to do something about my life rather than expecting other people to do it for me.

Al-anon meetings usually follow a format in which someone will share their experience and what they did to help themself get better. They may talk about the literature they use, the 12 Step program which is key to recovery and you will even hear talk of God. Try not to be afraid of the term, many people in AA and Al-anon have a very broad view of religion and spiritual beliefs and it does not mean you will have to become religious in any way. I certainly use spiritual practices (mostly Buddhist) as a way to help deal with my own life but don't subscribe to a religion.

I hope this has helped a little and am happy to tell you more if need be but the best bet is to try a few meetings and see how you get on. You may hate it in which case you could try counselling or therapy or you may find a place that helps you feel a little less despairing and who knows maybe even happy and accepting of your situation as you learn new ways to cope with it.

Good luck.

[Isabeller]

Like Shreking I would recommend Alanon and trying several meeting. If you can keep an open mind you might hear some things which are really helpful in your situation but don't expect to agree with everything necessarily. They use a great saying 'Take what you like and leave the rest'.

As Shreking says there are other sources of support too, I recently had some very helpful one to one counselling from a local organisation set up to help families of addicts. It was my Carer's centre who suggested it and you might find some useful help and support there.

The start of Alanon meetings often includes the following statement being read out (it was written decades ago)

We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.

The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

Thank you for a timely reminder and best of luck

[JustinBsMum]

I attended some Al Anon meetings. Where I went they were for family or friends of alcoholics and AA was for alcoholics. They def do not give advice ime, they are somewhere for you to share stuff about your life/problem/alcoholic relative, and the non blame, non advising scenario allows you to find your way forward. And there is no pressure to speak if you don't want to, but you would listen to those who do choose to speak, but not comment.
Definitely worth going to but meetings are thin on the ground in most regions unfortunately.

[Squeegle]

Birdy, I am really sorry to hear of what you are going through.

My ExP and father of my 2 young children is an alcoholic . I second all the wise words of Shreking. I never went to Al anon, mainly cos I couldn't get out. But I have heard its very useful as a great support.

I gained an enormous of help from a website called sober recovery. It has talk forums, one of them is for friends and family of alcoholics. It would not be overstating the case to say it changed my life. I realised I could not control someone else's drinking, I could only protect myself and my children from its effects.

Before this I struggled for literally years to try and control something it was not in my power to do. It also enabled me to be more honest with others about the problems I was experiencing. Before this I covered everything up.

Please look after yourself, care for yourself, and if possible try a meeting, I am sure it is worth a try. The support if others here is so helpful when you feel so alone.

Good luck

[apprenticemum]

My DB attended as his partner was an alcoholic. It helped him to understand the condition and showed him ways to adapt his behavior which had been unwhittingly fuelling the situation. It improved the situation to such a degree that his partner did go into rehab and has been in recovery for over a year now.

[mrsdinklage]

Shreking - excellent post - good luck to you.
Birdy my DF was an alcoholic - we could not get through to him. Then my DM went to al anon. It changed her life, looking at things from a different perspective. My DM had to travel a fair distance on public transport to get there - this made my DF think. It made him realise the effect it must be having on her - and the rest of us. DF decided to go to rehab, and he never drank again.

I know how lovely that sounds - but all this took a very long time. Good luck to you, I know that feeling of shame, but you can always talk on here.

[goodenuffmum]

I am another one who recommends Al Anon I've been going for 9 months since my STBXH told me he didn't love me anymore

I am the adult child of alcoholic parents and ended up marrying an alcoholic. Both STBXH and DM are deeply in denial but it doesn't matter because the focus of Al Anon is YOU.

For kids of alcoholics it is the first time that many of us have taken care of ourselves.

You don't have to share at meetings and no-one gives advice. I found that hard because I went to my first meeting hoping for a set of rules to follow which would "solve" my problems. But I am happier than I have ever been because I have met a group of people who totally understand how I feel and why I feel the way I do. Plus, my DC tell me I have changed and am much calmer!

Gve it a go: what have you got to lose?

[feckitt]

I went to a couple of Al Anon meetings. I sobbed my way through the first one because it was the first time I had publicly acknowledged (even to myself) that my DH was an alcoholic. The second one was people talking about how awful their lives were living with someone who thought more of alcohol than they did of their family. I didn't go again. My DH then lost his job which meant we lost our house and then he left me. So, alcohol has not only wrecked his life but mine and my children's. Do go, perhaps the group you go to will be more help.

[goodenuffmum]

oh feckitt
I'm sorry you had a disappointing experience of Al Anon. I was encouraged to try out different groups until I found the best fit.

The group I attend is supportive without being depressing. I would have stopped going too if they spent all their time complaining!

At the minute my STBXH is being a prat about paying towards the school uniforms and my Al Anon programme is stopping me screaming at him!

Would you give Al Anon another go, but maybe at a different group?