My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Tactless stepmother. How to handle ???

36 replies

plumpjuicyraspberry · 16/08/2013 09:21

She isn't known for her tact. Her communications skills are rubbish especially by email and phone and she often says awful things. I don't think she means harm but some are awful. Example - when I had my dd2 - she said "oh what another girl?"

When I was going back to work after Dd1 reluctantly full time (bearing in mind she stopped work when pregnant and never returned ) she said - "oh that will be dreadful. You will never cope".

We are visiting soon and I'm not far off returning work after dd2. I am dreading the comments about my working pattern and childcare arrangements (by full time this time but still).

Im massively sensitive about this all. I'm dreading going back and any negative comments from anyone will be hard to take.

How do I handle this without being incredibly rude.

She really has no idea how lucky she was that my dad enabled her to stay at home with the kids.

OP posts:
Report
plumpjuicyraspberry · 16/08/2013 09:24
  • not full time
OP posts:
Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/08/2013 09:27

I would argue that the other problem here apart from her is your Dad as he has indeed enabled her to do this. Have you spoken to him at length about her behaviours towards you, what has he said or has he likely defended her by saying something like, "well you know what she is like".
Such men are truly weak and act mainly out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I would make any such visit as short as possible and on neutral territory. Infact if they are like this you are really under no obligation to see them at all. You must also raise your own boundaries re them as of now. You could try the MN standby of, "did you mean to be so rude"; that may pull her up short a bit.

Report
lunar1 · 16/08/2013 09:29

I would reply with the same tact and sensitivity she showed me, I think the patented mn "did you mean to be so rude?" fits perfectly.

Report
plumpjuicyraspberry · 16/08/2013 09:31

No never mentioned to my dad. We don't really have that kind of relationship. I might say the "did you mean to be so rude" thing. It feels rude though and my husband would probably berate me for saying that in front of everyone.

I strongly suspect that she would over react and we would be the bad guys, lots of bad feeling for a while.

Hmmm

OP posts:
Report
googietheegg · 16/08/2013 09:32

I have a very similar situ with my mil so I feel your pain. All this ' oh she's just clumsy' or 'she doesn't mean it' shit is actually just perpetuating the issue. I feel I can't say anything like I would if it was my own mum.

All I can suggest is my favourite response of 'really?!' Which I find easier than the 'did you mean to be so rude?' Which I would love to say but don't.

Report
lunar1 · 16/08/2013 09:33

Why would your husband berate you and why would you put up with him doing it? Does he enjoy you being spoken down to?

Report
plumpjuicyraspberry · 16/08/2013 09:37

Thanks for the replies.

I like the really response. Might try that

Lunar. My husband likes to think he has the monopoly on being rude and creating conflict. Can't be dealing with his moody shit on top of a rude comments. He is another thread entirely.

OP posts:
Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/08/2013 09:42

MIL does not seem to be the only problem relation you have here.

What do you want to teach your DDs about relationships here?. Would you want your DDs to be with someone like their Dad in their own relationships?.

Your H does not sound like a very nice person at all to be honest with you.

Report
purplewithred · 16/08/2013 09:45

Alternatively, burst into noisy snotty tears and accidentally knock over your cup of tea onto her carpet and tread on the dog while groping ineffectively for a hanky in her handbag. Repeat every time she opens her mouth.

Report
itsBeer0cl0ck · 16/08/2013 09:45

"did you mean to be so rude?" might be a great retort for somebody who is much more peripheral to your life but I wouldn't say this to her.

maybe a heartfelt "no, it won't be EASY but it's an investment in to a better future and we will manage because we will pull together!!" would end her running commentary. I don't work and I want to, and I know it won't be easy but I still want to because I am weighing various issues up!

Report
OxfordBags · 16/08/2013 09:47

She sounds horrible, but could you also be focusing on her rudeness because it feels easier and more manageable to tackle than your DH's unacceptable behaviour... ? He sounds like the real problem. Perhaps if you start with tackling being treated badly in your own home, by your own spouse, the resulting growth in self-esteem would make her comments not hurt, or give you the confidence to say something to your Dad or her (that's not putting the responsibility for his behaviour on you, but you are responsible for how you deal with it. However you frame it, you're being treated badly)

Report
lunar1 · 16/08/2013 09:52

Your dad has allowed your stepmother to treat you like this and now you allow your dh to do the same. You are worth more than them all and you owe it to your dd's to break the cycle.

You are an independent woman who manages a family and a job, if you can manage that juggling act you can do anything. Let your girls grow up seeing how capable you are, don't let others put you down.

Report
plumpjuicyraspberry · 16/08/2013 10:23

Thanks everyone. Your posts are very insightful and very true with regard to my home situation. Oxford- your point is very interesting.

I've no idea where to start with home issues. I fear it's a ltb situation. Though that's probably me being cowardly.

OP posts:
Report
itsBeer0cl0ck · 16/08/2013 13:16

Oxford, that's really true and I mustn't have read the OP's post properly so apologies. When I was with my x who never compromised, we always did what suited him, what met his needs......... back then I used to get quite disproportionately upset if I had a run in with a girl in a shop about returning a faulty item or something like that.

Report
plumpjuicyraspberry · 16/08/2013 13:32

Itsbeer,

I think I do that too. I find I get awfully shouty at people that i shouldn't. Worst is when I'm driving. If I have a complaint to make to someone I tend to go ott. I don't mean to, just happens. I guess I'm finding an outlet.

Atilla- your comments are staying in my head. Your posts on other people's threads are always very insightful. I'd love to know your view on my situation ....

OP posts:
Report
Xenadog · 16/08/2013 13:46

If she comments on you going back I would say: "Yes I need to go back to work as I don't want to rely on my DH. I also think that it is important that I set an example to the DC of being an independent woman." The I would change the subject to the weather or whatever.

Report
itsBeer0cl0ck · 16/08/2013 13:48

I found after I left my x I got locked into a cycle of defending myself to another very critical judgemental person. I guess other people would have shrugged internally and thought 'tosser' and forgotten about it, but I started to defend myself all the time, so he quite enjoyed that indignation in me that his drama-baits had provoked, and he threw more drama-baits in here and there.
I am telling you this because I think sometimes it is a certain personality type that can end up in these situations, "attracting" these criticisms, not because you deserve them, but because the person who dishes them out has (simultaneously) got a big ego whilst still needing the validation they get from you feeling the need to explain yourself, or defend yourself. so they are flawed, their ego is too big and they need to keep it inflated by receiving either your admiration, or, the drama of you defending yourself to them. As though you need their approval.
I hope I haven't offended you here. I had this pattern going with a few people and it took me a while to recognise it and start reacting differently.
I don't know enough about your situation to comment like this though, so apologies if i'm really wide of the mark! just something another poster said about the real problem being with your husband, I sort of copied and pasted in a back story here. HOpe i'm on the right track!

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/08/2013 13:55

I presume this woman is not known for her tact with other family members either. Your Dad is playing a role in this by being her enabler and likely defending her by saying, "well you know what she is like" etc.

I would keep any subsequent visits short and establish boundaries as to what is and is not acceptable from her. Call her on all gnarly comments each and every time. you do not need her approval not that she would ever freely give this anyway.

Report
plumpjuicyraspberry · 16/08/2013 13:57

Itsbeer- you post is great and very valuable to me. I am v defensive of everything. I assume he will be cross of critical or laugh at what I do so I go out of my way to avoid that and if he does these things I'm grumpy and defensive.

How did you change your behaviour ?

OP posts:
Report
ivykaty44 · 16/08/2013 14:03

I never really understand why if someone says something totally tackless why you can't be blunt and blunt with them

Oh goodness another girl?

.........Gosh what a silly thing to say

Goodness you will not cope

.........Goodness what a silly thing to say

Say something negative

goodness what a silly thing to say

goodness what a silly thing to say

goodness what a silly thing to say

It works for anything negative or you can swap silly for the word negative if it is better for you Smile

That way you can think quickly and respond so she knows how you feel and that it is a negative comment to you. it is not rude, it is fact and it can be said with a smile

Report
plumpjuicyraspberry · 16/08/2013 14:36

The oh not another girl comment was made on the phone to me one hour after birth. I wasn't really ready for well thought out replies.

Thinking about it. She did the same at Christmas when dd2 was crying a lot wanting feeding. I went to feed her she said, "what again!!?"

It was awful. We were trying to host a lunch and dd2 wouldn't be put down. She just wanted feeding and cuddles. We actually haven't seen them since.

OP posts:
Report
mistlethrush · 16/08/2013 14:49

re the returning to work...

"Yes, you were SO LUCKY that a lot of your generation didn't have to go out to work to make ends meet" might be a possibility?

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Pootles2010 · 16/08/2013 15:13

I'd be tempted to be rude back tbh. For example if she says you wouldn't be able to cope - 'Why on earth not? What sort of a silly sap couldn't cope with that?!' Sort of a thing, even if thats not what you're feeling! Just to fire it back at her.

But then I'm an argumentative cow.

Report
ImperialBlether · 16/08/2013 15:23

With my MIL I just said, "But we'd lose our house if I stopped work."

Mentioning she's a different generation is a good idea, too. "I know in your day women stopped work, but it's different now..."

Report
plumpjuicyraspberry · 16/08/2013 16:31

Think the angle she was coming from about work was poor children left at nursery Angry

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.