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32, single and childless

(31 Posts)
ihavenonameonhere Fri 16-Aug-13 04:39:37

Hey people.

Please be gentle with me as I am a bit fragile at the moment.

I was single for 6 years (dating etc but never anyone serious) until I met a guy a year ago. We got on straight away, started dating etc. He would stay at mine when he was in town (3 nights a week) 6 months in he decided to move home and that was the next place I was moving to (I was travelling and working) and so we decided to move together.

We got a place together and all was pretty good, to be honest I was starting to think maybe this was it. We just got on so so well, we rarely argued, he was kind, a great cook and we just enjoyed each others company. However, he couldnt find work and got quite down so when a 3 month placement came up living elsewhere we both agreed he should go there to work. 3 weeks in I went to visit him, his job was going well and there was talk about me moving there.

When I went to see him we had an argument and he told me he was unhappy and wanted space, he said his head was messed up and he didnt know if he wanted to settle down etc. I was a bit shocked but went back to where I was living and game him space. To cut a long story short, 4 weeks later he still just kept saying he needed space so I made the decision for him and walked away.

I have been totally gutted, he was honestly the best thing that has happened to me for years. I dont think hes met someone else but I also wise enough to know that it probably means he just wasnt that into me, and its better to know now etc. However this hasnt stopped it hurting more than the end of any other relationship. Previous relationships were for over 3 years but it always felt they had run their course.

On top of all this it also means our plans for me to stay in the current country I live in are over and I will have to return home without a job in the New Year. I am now so stressed at the thought of returning home, where I dont really want to be.

Finally I am terrified, I am 32 and want children. It took me so long to meet him I am just scared I am going to be alone sad

Thank you for listening smile

SolidGoldBrass Sat 21-Sep-13 02:06:57

Please bear in mind that you can have babies without having a couple-relationship. If you want to be a mother, you can adopt, use donor sperm, make an arrangement with a male friend to co-parent (ie bring up children but without a couple-relationship) or have a lot of no-0contraception sex with various men.

whitesugar Sat 21-Sep-13 00:09:53

OP you have definitely made the right decision. I know its hard now but you will get through this. Just keep thinking what it would be like if you were still with him. Nothing would have changed and you would be just as unhappy as you are now. I am sure the future looks scary with relocating and looking for work but change can be a good thing. If you do date please please don't draw up a checklist. I always said I would never date a short man despite the fact that my abusive EXH was 6ft 2. Then I met a guy who was about 5ft 6 max and trust me like someone said up thread he was the sexiest man I ever met. We didn't last long but it was a good lesson. I hope you start to enjoy life soon because you really can be happy again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 20-Sep-13 22:21:54

You realise you don't have to have a partner in order to have children. If all you really want is to be a mother, it's something you can organise quite independently. Find a partner another time

crazyhead Fri 20-Sep-13 14:50:03

I was 33 and in the throes of a falling apart relationship. I was so terrified about the children thing as well.

However, at 33 and a half I got together with OH, pg at 34 and I'm now 36 and expecting baby number two in the next month. We're so happy.

I've got lots of friends whose love lives turned themselves around in their 30s in similar way. When it is right it can move pretty quickly in your 30s. I honestly think that the main risk is staying too long with the wrong person which you've avoided doing.

It is normal that you feel crappy about this guy right now, but you did the brave thing and walked away and I bet you'll feel so much better when the dust has settled a bit.

Seasidegirly Fri 20-Sep-13 14:39:39

OP dont be down - you have plenty of time yet to settle down. Im 41 no children, never been married and only had one serious bf ages ago. I havent chucked in the towel yet that theres no Mr Right for me out there but then again I have fab friends so I really dont crave one smile.

bluebell234 Fri 20-Sep-13 06:12:18

of course you miss him- at least from time to time I guess.
its not been long you left him.
it will take time.
did he try to come back?

ihavenonameonhere Fri 20-Sep-13 05:18:32

Thanks everyone.

I'm still not in a great place with it all. I miss the guy and wish I didn't!!

ihavenonameonhere Fri 20-Sep-13 05:09:25

Thanks everyone.

I'm still not in a great place with it all. I miss the guy and wish I didn't!!

Sandychick31 Thu 19-Sep-13 19:20:40

Just for the record, at 35, I was single and childless and my weight had ballooned to 15 stone. I felt I made a mess of my previous relationship and had such low self esteem I felt I would never have any relationship with a man again and they wouldn't want to know me. In January (2008) for the new year - I was so bored with my life I decided to lose weight - not to bag a man - I was CONVINCED no man would want to know me (low self esteem) but just as a personal challenge. To cut a long story short, I eventually got down to a size 8 , and between the ages of 35 - 40 had a lot of dates etc - with men - one such has turned into something more permanent. I feel that my positive decision - and I was 3 years older then than you are now - led me to have wonderful experiences of various kinds I never thought I'd have. Moral of story for me is effort made in a small area of life (losing weight) led to all sorts of good things happening that I'd never bargained for.

patienceisvirtuous Sun 18-Aug-13 13:37:43

OP, you are in a really good position now. You aren't wasting time in a dead end relationship and you are still really young. You can still have everything you want

I was single and childless at 31 and feeling panicky. I met someone, who totally deceived me and wasted my time (found out he was leading a double life three years in) so I again found myself single and childless at 35 but felt much less panicky. Decided I was going to be kind to myself and not put myself under that pressure again. I decided to save for donor insemination

Three months in I met DP completely unexpectedly on a night out. We have been together almost a year and are going to ttc from Christmas smile This time it just feels right and I feel totally calm

I hope everything works out well for you smile

cuillereasoupe Sun 18-Aug-13 11:30:45

the guy will be everything they want but under 6ft so they wont even consider meeting them?!?!?!

hahaha - DP is 5 foot 4! But he's sex on a stick smile

I do think I have got caught up with preconceived ideas before on what I want but then a lot of my exs have been nothing like that!

I think that's wise. DP is nothing like the kind of guy I'd end up with, but he's great. Above all, look for someone who is kind.

CynthiaRose Sat 17-Aug-13 21:25:49

I am 36 and single and a couple of years ago realised that this mythical person wasn't suddenly going to turn up just in time for me to settle down and have kids. So I made the decision to use a donor and now have 2 amazing kids. Never ever been happier, it's amazing. I'd like to meet a guy some day, but it doesn't matter when and I feel absolutely no pressure.

You're still pretty young and it's more than likely some one will come along, but I got so bored of people telling me that when I was doing everything I could to meet some one (did a lot of internet dating, but found it soul destroying). I found it quite comforting to have a back up plan and started saving, so I wasn't totally reliant on finding a man.

Good luck.

Ifancyashandy Sat 17-Aug-13 07:31:53

I'm 43, single (have been for 10 years) and childless and my life is great! Great friends, fab social life, career I love, loads of travel and friends kids to play Aunty to.

Is it what I envisidged? No. But it's no less great for that.

Longtalljosie Sat 17-Aug-13 07:17:34

Hi kitten and ihavenoname - I just wanted to say don't panic. Actually you're fortunate as a couple of my friends have been left in your situation - with the bloke finally saying he didn't want babies / to commit - but at 38/9. That's really shit. You'll find that in your 30s men and women are far more focussed when they're dating - much more of an air of "can I imagine having babies with you? No? Better leave it then". I met DH at 30, married at 32, pregnant at 33 wink

ihavenonameonhere Sat 17-Aug-13 05:59:27

I think the sadness I feel about leaving here is that it will mean no going back and it the end of the dreams I had with him. The country all of a sudden doesn't appeal as much to me as it did before.

I have other options elsewhere but part of the reason to travel was to figure out what to do with my life and I am no closer to finding that answer.

melbie Sat 17-Aug-13 05:25:56

Also 32, single and childless. I came out of a relationship like yours a couple of years ago (although he was the sensible one that recognised it was over) and since then ended up in a really bad non relationship with a married man. It has completely destroyed me so now am single, childless, 32 and not in any way ready for a relationship!

It is early days yet. All the normal annoying advice about making sure you are ok with you before you start dating is probably true. You need to feel strong enough to make sure you a) can deal with other people not being interested and b) not to let yourself get in a bad relationship.

The age thing does get scary. I would dearly love the man and child package. But I am starting to realise they don't have to come together. If I have to have a child on my own then so be it. Suddenly that makes it less urgent because there is not the pressure of needing to meet someone soon so that you can fit everything in before your fertility drops!

Can you get a different visa and stay? Or have you thought about making a new start somewhere completely new so that it is a positive adventure rather than feeling like you are going backwards?

Sorry for the slightly rambling thoughts but mainly just wanted to say I know how you feel and I know it is horrible but life will be on the up again soon

ihavenonameonhere Sat 17-Aug-13 01:46:41

Yes I think I will be more proactive this time, although I think I need a little more time to move on from this one first.

Funnily enough my sister runs a dating agency. Most of her customers are woman in their early 40s who have crazy demands ie the guy will be everything they want but under 6ft so they wont even consider meeting them?!?!?!

I dont want to be one of those people. I actually though that when I am ready to date again I will have an experiment where every guy that asks me out (ie doesnt just send a message saying babe u is hot, wanna cum 2 my house 4 sex) I will go on a date with. I do think I have got caught up with preconceived ideas before on what I want but then a lot of my exs have been nothing like that!

cuillereasoupe Fri 16-Aug-13 10:15:36

I was in your shoes a few years ago. When I turned 35 I decided I needed to be proactive about finding someone, signed up for internet dating, met everyone who asked, and met DP about five months in. I'm now 38 and expecting our first baby in October. Time is on your side but you do need to be proactive about getting out there!

ihavenonameonhere Fri 16-Aug-13 09:36:58

Thank you so so so much.

I dont think I rushed things, I realised when I finally said it that he was relieved as he was too much of a pussy to do it himself. He certainly has some sort of issue with committing but then they guys do tend to go and settle down with someone else!

HUGS for you kittenmittensxxxx

kittenmittens Fri 16-Aug-13 09:23:17

I'm with you OP. My relationship of two years has just ended, before that I was single for 7 years. We were trying for a baby, I wanted one so desperately but I came to realise that all these wonderful qualities of him being a great prospective father were just complete fantasies I was projecting onto him. When the scales dropped from my eyes I realised I was making a big mistake and that I'd end up with a useless cocklodger and a baby, so I turfed him out. I'm 31 and terrified now that I'll be single for 7 years again, and that I'll never have kids. I just have to hope I made the right decision.

Lizzabadger Fri 16-Aug-13 08:12:23

You will be fine, whether or not you meet a man or have a child.

You just need some time to grieve for your relationship and the future you had planned.

mcmooncup Fri 16-Aug-13 08:08:31

You know all this Must Have Baby by 35 is pure and utter crap don't you?
Research this year shows the 35 number was based on data from the 1900's!!

You are in a great position. Don't believe the hype

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 16-Aug-13 08:07:46

Me too - I was 34, single, childless and suddenly met my DH. Within the year we were living together and engaged. We now have DC 2 on the way smile

So a big 'have faith' from me too! I remember feeling hopeless about things too. Hang in there.

riojabotherer Fri 16-Aug-13 07:43:45

I was 33, single and childless but men a man and had a baby within a year! Lovely things can and do happen. By leaving your relationship you've opened the door to them. Have faith!

Himoutdoors Fri 16-Aug-13 07:27:00

Yes, don't panic and make bad decisions. Wondering whether you could have waited a little for things to settle down. Does the guy have other issues that you are not aware of?

Anyway, you shld keep your confidence up as it is more will happen for.

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