What should I do?

[Jolie2013]

Hi I am 27 years of age and mother to two boys aged 4 and 8 whom I love cherish and adore. I am just going through a few problems at the moment that I need to let out. I don?t even know where to start.

My 4 year old has hearing problems he is completely deaf in his right ear and has 60db hearing lost in his left ear which has had an effect on his speech development, his vocabulary isn?t as good as other 4 year olds he does speak very clearly but he is unable to put a full sentence together but other than that he is just the same as other children his age. And he also was born with Sickle Cell Anaemia he hasn?t had a crisis for 4 months now.

He will be starting school in September which I am very worried about, he was attending nursery 3 days a week and despite the way he was treated whilst there he loved going, a few times he come home with unexplained bruising a pinch mark on his arm, a bruise on his back, and on the back of his leg when I asked him who did it he would say the words ?hurt? ?boy? or ?girl?. He is not aggressive and he does not hit people so I never knew of any valid reason why other child would be hurting him, when I did confronted the Nursery staff about it they always used to say ?we didn?t see it happen we?ll keep a close eye on him and make sure it doesn?t happen again? but it did happen again. It felt like just because he can?t hear properly, and it takes patience to speak to him and make him understand what you are saying, the staff practically gave up on him. And throughout the time he was going there I always felt like they were belittling me but I just didn?t have the confidence to stand up to them, the times when I?d pick up him and they?d tell me that he had ?wet?. One of the staff members made a snide remark saying ?When the nursery nurse come out and visited you before he started did she not tell you that we only take children that are clean?? I did tell the nursery nurse that he does get very engrossed when playing with his toys that he sometimes forgets that he has to go and will end up having an accident if you don?t steer him away and remind him to go she said that was fine.

There were times when I?d bring him in in the morning and stay and watch him play for 15 minutes he?d run in and want to play with the other children one morning I heard another child say ?we don?t want to play with you go away? and due to him not being able to hear what they were saying especially with the background noise, he still proceeded to play with them only to be shoved over, I told one of the nursery staff and all she said to the child was ?no pushing please it?s not nice?. And also the time when I went to collect him and a little girl in his class who was with her mum pointed to my son and said ?he can?t hear he don?t have no friends he wet himself Yuk? and her mum didn?t even tell her that what she said isn?t a nice thing to say. I am dreading him starting Primary School in September I don?t want him to be a victim of bullying and also I think 5 whole days will be a little bit too much for him, I did have thoughts of wanting to enrol him in a school for children with hearing problems just for a peace of mind but just like everything I want to do it has to be run past their dad first who never wants to listen to anything but said there is no reason for him to not go the same school as our other son, and it is not like he is completely deaf like always I had to accept his decision, but if when he does start his mainstream school and if he does struggle I will contact the NDCS who are wonderful they are the only people that I have had support from.

I only want the best for my children and I feel as if I am failing the both of them, I suffer from depression and severe anxiety I have a counsellor who I see twice a week, but I haven?t been able to see her since the boys broke up for the summer holidays because I haven?t got anyone to look after them whilst I go and see her I have been speaking to her on the phone but it just isn?t the same, during the two hours I spend with her each session, she makes me feel like myself again and not the depressed, unconfident, emotional shy wreck my children?s dad has turned me into. It is the holidays and I have only taken the boys out twice, which was last week when I took them to my friend?s house, I feel as if every time I am around friends or family they always find something to pick on either it be me or the boys, my 8 year old is very quiet but always makes sure that I know he loves me, he also lacks confidence and would rather stay at home than go out. He was sitting on my friend?s sofa reading a book and she said to him ?why are you reading a book? go upstairs and play with computer with (her son)? which made him cry, he likes reading books, studying, drawing and completing puzzles he doesn?t like doing the usual things as boys his age do, such as playing computer games, football, running around and being boisterous. And their Dad blames me for this he says it is my thought that his son is a ?flowerboy? I had to Google the meaning of the word and it isn?t nice. At the beginning of the summer holidays he had a go at me telling me that I should bring the boys out and I am not letting them have any freedom, when he knows that our 8 year old prefers staying home and our 4 year old is happy staying home playing with his toys, which I told him only for him to get horrible and start raising his voice he gave me some money to go and get them a PlayStation as all of his friends sons have got them, I took the both of them out to get it and asked them to choose some games, my 8 year old said he didn?t want one I asked him what he would like instead and he said just a new sketch book and pencils, I didn?t feel the need to ask my 4 year old if he wanted one because is unable to function those kind of things, so instead I bought him a toy and bought my 8 year old his sketch book and pens, out of my own money. When their Dad got home that night and I told him that I didn?t buy it and handed his money back to him he threw it in my face and started being verbally abusive as per usual, and when he does this I cry I just can?t help it, it does not take away my pain or make me feel better the only thing that takes away my pain just for a little while is to harm myself, every time he shouts at me or speaks down to me I can?t wait hurt myself it takes away everything for a few minutes.

He has taken everything away from me I don?t know who I am anymore when my first son was 3 years of age, he pushed me over the edge I took my son to his mums house and I came home and took an overdose which I had been planning for weeks I woke up in hospital he was the one who found me and called for help. I think about it every single day and I do regret it but at the time I did think my son would be better off without me, he knows I am upset he writes me nice letters during the day and leaves them on the kitchen table for me to read and occasionally he will come and say ?everything is going to be ok? he is my rock and I am so proud of him I couldn?t wish for a better child. I feel as if the only way I am going to get back on the road of finding myself again is to split with their Dad, maybe split isn?t the right word because what me and him have is not a relationship I feel as if I am a doormat sometimes he doesn?t come home for 3 days and that?s what I like, I prefer it when it is just the 3 of us because whenever he is home or comes home at night he always has something to pick on and it?s always the most pathetic ridiculous thing ?why are you still awake? or ?why is the windows left open? and everything that happens he always blames on me the last time my 4 year old had a Sickle cell crisis and was in hospital for 3 weeks he put all the blame on me.

He is not really a good Dad to the boys (for example today) he sent my 8 year old upstairs to get something and just because he didn?t bring it down quick enough he had a go at him, he does bring him out with him sometimes, the last time he come home complaining that he had took him to his brother?s house and he was being too quiet, when he knows that he lacks confidence and that?s what to be expected of him. And he just doesn?t have the patience when it comes to my 4 year old which is not helping me or our son.

I know things will start looking up for us if he no longer lived with us I want him to leave but I know he won?t and I don?t know the full procedure of me getting my own property for the three of us. I have been watching the documentary on channel 4 (how to get a council house) and the waiting list is over 6 years, would I get some priority for having a disabled child?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Hi there
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.
Your husband sounds uterlly vile and you do need to get away from him.
He is seriously abusing you and your children and it will only get worse.
I have experience of what you are going through but please please please call Women's Aid as soon as possible.
They will be able to help and guide you to getting safely away from this horrible man.
There are many out there suffering the same kind of thing as you so the WA lines are very busy - but keep on trying until you get through you can also email them.
[email protected]
PHONE: 0808 2000 247
I really do hope you can start to understand what you are being put through by your husband.
There are many women on here who have been where you are and they will be able to give you some wonderful advice and support.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Sorry - that should say that I have NO experience of what you are going through so I really can't imagine what it must be like.

[bbqsummer]

Hi Op, you sound very trapped in your current situation and your husband sounds vile. Your two sons sound rather lovely!

Can you bring yourself to call Women's Aid on this number: 0808 2000 247

if you chat through with them what you have said on here they may well be able to help and advise you. A man who doesn't come home for days on end (do you know where he is? working? out drinking?) and is beastly to his children is not a good father and not any sort of good influence for his boys.

You too are struggling with health issues which is quite understandable given the lack of support you are receiving from home and the abusive way your husband is treating you and your children.

If there is any risk he may turn violent you need to cover your tracks on your computer (delete your history for instance) and not tell him you are seeking advice, or ask him to leave, until you have plans in place.

Can you tell your GP what is happening at home? Do you have family and friends in Real Life who you could start telling the truth to and leaning on for some support.

keep posting.

[OhWesternWind]

So sad to read this, it sounds like a horrible situation for you.

I was in an abusive relationship with my two children so I do know some of what you are going through. It is easy to say leave, but so hard to do it sometimes, but honestly it is the best thing.

I found that my depression went away pretty quickly, and my children have become much more confident and outgoing. It's amazing what effects living with an abuser can have on the family. Two and a half years on, we are really happy.

But like I said, I know it can be very hard to take those steps to leave, and it might be easier if you have some help and support. Is there anyone in your life who you could talk to about this and who could help you? Do you have family nearby? If not Women's Aid are brilliant, or else your GP or counsellor, or if you have any support worker/homestart involvement with your children they might be able to help or point you in the right direction.

What shines out of your post is the love and understanding you have for your boys. They sound wonderful. Sorry, I don't know anything about the special needs issues with your younger son so I can't give any meaningful advice here, but it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job with both of them.

[discolatte]

Jolie2013 you describe lovely gentle boys whose needs you understand very well. What a shame the nursery was like that, they really do vary a lot, some are run by kind and insightful staff - others not! When the time comes, have confidence in your ability to assess whether a new school is meeting your youngest son's needs - you know better than anyone. Request half-days to begin with and request from the start that he is statemented so his needs are recorded and he gets a few hours a week one-to-one. Schools get extra funding for each child with special needs as you probably know. Make sure you discuss his needs and what happened at nursery with the Reception teacher. If it were me I would also ask for her email or the Head's so you can put any agreements made in writing - leaving no room for vagueness. My 10-year old is like your older boy, quite happy with a book for hours, but yes it is important they make friends and have outdoor activities too. I think this will come in time when you have separated. At present I think your oldest senses your weariness and distress and wants to protect you in any way he can - making sure you know how much he loves you, adapting himself by being happy indoors, because you are his world and he senses your fragility. This is not a criticism, please understand that - it is just acknowledging the degree to which our children adapt themselves for their own survival to what they sense we need ourselves to survive. You are all cowed under the shadow of your husband. Imagine if your husband were simply not there... I imagine you more confident, the depression and self-harming gone, you and the boys in your own place, you looking at different schools calm in the knowledge that it is your decision, you would have more physical energy ... You already have great closeness and understanding with your sons. If you make the break the three of you will start really living life to the full and having fun. Don't lose sight of the future that is possible. The tough bit is now, getting from here to there. With help you can get there, believe in yourself.

[Distrustinggirlnow]

Your eldest DS sounds a lovely boy. I have a quiet DS too, happy to read his science books etc.

It sounds like you've a lot on your plate ATM and your DH is less than helpful. It's good that you're speaking to your counsellor altho I know it's not ideal on the phone.

I think you need to break this down into manageable chunks.

With regard to your younges DS. Does he have any hearing aids? Have you spoken to the school? Have you had the home visit yet? Do they do half days to begin with. Our local primary does half days for the first six weeks. Well more like 9 until11.30 initially.

Anyway, the nursery didn't sound great, hopefully school will be better. I'm pretty deaf too but manage fine, honestly. He will too.
Get him the support he needs either with hearing aids or signing etc.

I'm sorry to hear you're so frightened of your DH. someone up thread mentioned women's aid. Email them. Although make sure your emails aren't monitored by him.

You do not have to stay with him. Really, you don't. You can make a choice. I know it's a huge step, but you can do it.

Are you up to date with all of your meds too? Maybe a trip to the docs for you too. In the meantime have a and continue to enjoy your lovely boys

[Jolie2013]

Hi Distrusting

Thanks for replying I do appreciate it.

He does wear hearing aids, I noted on the application form that he does have an hearing problem and would they be able to provide any extra head, they are yet to do a home visit.

I have been in touch with Womens Aid they have told me I need to get away from him, he has attacked me again for the most silliest reason as per usual.

Yes I take my medicine every morning and before I go to bed. My eldest knows what is going on and it is my job to take him away from the environment we live in, but I am terrified to leave.

[Hissy]

Surely it's more terrifying to STAY?

Trust me, there is NO way life would be worse if you left him.

In fact I promise you'd never regret it.

[Hissy]

Put your feelings of fear to one side, and do what you know you have to do.

Make the leap. It's worth it!

[MadameBlavatsky]

Oh love, no wonder you are feeling the way you do. Your biggest problem is your abusive twat of a 'partner'. I know leaving seems like a huge thing, but he is damaging to your mental health and he is hurting your kids. You can get away but you need to start planning and gathering support around you.

You can do it! Your life will be so much better without him in it.

[rockybalboa]

That nursery sounds fucking appalling. I hope school will be much more sensitive to your son's special needs. Is he having a home visit before school starts where you will get the opportunity to have a one to one with his class teacher or TA and talk things through?