Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Single, how to meet people (men?)(42 Posts)
I know this isn't a mummy question but it's a question I'm going to ask for me and few single ladies.
We're aged between 38 and 41 (about 4 of us), totally normal, with jobs, solvent, attractive (dare I say it?!), funny etc. But we either find it hard to meet nice men or to socialise with them.
Doesn't help that one of my friends isn't much into bars but prefers salsa dancing etc but then discounts any men there. This friend is also a church going Christian (she's used a Christian dating website but it was affiliated to other ones and not really Christian).
We've tried dating websites - I met my last boyfriend through there - and though they're good I prefer to meet people in public.
We go to the gym/cinema/occasional meet up groups/dining out etc and also go to the occasional local festival (music/food etc).
I think personally we need to strike up conversations more and get to know men not just as partners but as friends/acquaintances etc (we did this recently with some guys, I got asked out twice same evening in space of 5 minutes! This happened in the communal gardens of my friend's private flat, we then got asked into a nice guy's flat where he had some friends who we had a drink with). But for me it was more we'd actually spoke/hung out with normal guys, not seeing them as partners?
Are we being really picky? Any tips?
Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.
Sport - cycling, walking, running.
Tomgonzalez I've reported you resurrecting this thread to push your own website.
Vegetarians can be fun you know. .., honest!
I guess the level of male availability is low in certain age groups. They are either married,have a GF,are gay,divorced and dont want to do it again or confirmed bachelors.
That doesnt leave a lot left save for people moonlighting as single just for excitement or sexual advanture.
Speaking for myself,im not actively hunting for a woman. I couldnt really care less if i never met another one. That said, i have no issues with socialising with someone who i find good company as long as there are no hidden agendas. If things develop a little well thats fine.
Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.
"MadeMan had it not occurred to you that you're at the online equivalent of Single Parents Alone Together."
Haha, no it hadn't actually, but you're absolutely right, thanks for pointing it out. Oh dear, I now have even more in common with Hugh's character than I thought, which is a bit worrying. I'm not as blank/empty as him because I go to work and have some social life, plus I don't have a swanky west london pad or drive an Audi, but there are a number of similarities.
Here's hoping I don't end up singing at the local school talent night.
MadeMan had it not occurred to you that you're at the online equivalent of Single Parents Alone Together. You're at the Relationships board of Mumsnet. People here hold hands in a circle and bitch about their terrible relationship histories IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. (Nice work trying to pick up chicks!)
I think also we have to be realistic about what we're prepared to do in order to meet members of the opposite sex. To be honest, I'm not really going to start doing things that I'm not particularly into, just on the off-chance of meeting some 30-something females. I know in theory taking up a new hobby seems good on paper, but surely you have to have some kind of interest in what you're doing. For example, I have no interest in Zumba or salsa lessons, so if I only go along to chat up women I'll probably end up looking like a pervert.
I sometimes think of Hugh Grant's character in the film About A Boy when he turns up at the Single Parents Alone Together meetings to try and pull the single mums.
Aren't there singles nights anymore? That might be an alternative to internet dating and bars/clubs if you have an aversion to them.
I met my DP when we were both 38 on eHarmony and found it to be the best of the internet dating sites - it seemed to sort out the wheat from the chaff IYKWIM.
I would suggest volunteering as well; it's a way of being sociable as well as focused on something but not as focused as being at a class if that makes sense? Volunteers tend to be nice people as well (IME) and if nothing else it will widen your social circle which could in turn lead to Mr Right.
OP, you need to lose the pack too - maybe do something in a pair but a group of 4 is too many. I think most men will be intimidated by going up to a whole pack of women
I'm only trying to help! I've been chatted up at the bar in a steakhouse (maybe a bit too new york for the uk), on the subway, in line for starbucks, whole foods in manhattan, in the elevator at the doctors. Here we have "meetup" groups that are interest-based and while yield a lot of nerds, every now and again there is someone interesting. i do agree that workplaces are good - there's some statistic that 20% of relationships were through meeting at work - i'll try to find the link. i am definitely interested in hearing from single men where they might go or want to go to meet women. every little piece of information is useful, after all.
I think the real answer to this is- there is no answer.
I married later than most ( albeit it many years ago) and met men all over the place.
Sports clubs- tennis, squash, etc etc- join some and play in matches etc.
Friends who know other men- brothers, colleagues, friends of friends partners, etc.
Neighbours! yes, really- house next door had 2 single men- one asked me out.
Work- one long term was a close colleague.
My DH was friends and colleagues with the guy my close friend was dating. We met when she organised a drink with her guy and several of his friends ......
You just have to get out there.
Look as good as you can most of the time.
men I know say they look for women on public transport- trains etc- and even over the ready meals at the supermarket.
If you appear open - your body language-and are receptive to eye to eye contact from strangers, it makes it easier for men to talk to you.
"...but I certainly treat them with caution if they do approach me."
Yeah it's probably best to be a bit cautious.
"I would NEVER approach someone in the street!"
Again, probably best really. Most people on the street in everyday life are just getting on with their lives and will not be expecting to get chatted up in a million years; so they will have their defences up if you start talking to them. Complete opposite to the pubs and clubs environment where the majority of people have their defences down because they expect that they might be chatted up.
MadeMan - I would NEVER approach someone in the street! : Shocked
I wouldn't bat a man away either but I certainly treat them with caution if they do approach me. It takes a lot of front/confidence to approach member of opposite sex unless just asking them the time (and JUST the time etc).
People have recommended that I join a walking group. I have joined, but due to work and various other things going on at weekends, I've not actually managed to join a walk yet...
"I wouldn't approach anyone IRL most I do is chat to barista at coffee shop and he's gay Lol."
MissDD1971 If you really, really wanted to chat up attractive men on the street then I suppose you could try opening a conversation by asking them for the time (make sure your Flavor Flav clock necklace is tucked away though).
Or you could walk up and point to something on their shirt and when they look down, flick them on the chin.
A number of my friends have met their ladies at dancing classes. Controlled situation, change partners regally and holding on to each other in a dance. Just a thought.
I agree, Facebook is a curse to society in many ways, people just virtually chat and don't see their friends in person, but there are events in your hometown you could join in, everyone wants to meet new people at those things.
Confidence is important though, going to some event surrounded by friends may be an experience but you won't meet new people. Find something happening near you and go by yourself or with a friend, walk up to someone and start talking about something relevant. It doesn't even have to be someone you fancy, you'll have made a new node in your social network and that will be fun to explore- as rockinD says. You never know who you'll meet
Surveys show that most people meet their partners through work, shared interests or through mutual friends.
DD1 met her DH at work, DD2 met her DP because he went to school with her flatmate. I met my DH because we were both co-opted onto the same community campaign, but then it turned out that we had mutual friends.
I appreciate that it depends where you work, but my employer has social activities, a book club, a gardening club and other things to get involved in. If I were single I would go to more of those things.
I still think the secret is to go out and do stuff, whether you go to the theatre or to gigs, do a physical activity, community work, whatever.
Oh, and never turn down an invitation. The tedious neighbour who invites you in for drinks might turn out to have a drop dead gorgeous BIL!
Finally, don't discount social networking. By following people and activities I am interested in on FB I have got to know so many people and then met them in RL and yes, quite a few of them are presentable single men.
Join a weekend cycling group. Loads of men. And in Lycra!
A man approached me on the street and started chatting to me once. He's now my husband.
MadeMan - I wasn't referring to me approaching men in street more what were your or other MNers views on it. I wouldn't approach anyone IRL most I do is chat to barista at coffee shop and he's gay Lol.
Walking and rambling groups can turn up a few single females who are normal eg not overly Eco warrior types but do tend to be a few couples and in groups too.
Meet up groups very good for other activities.
"...(can't remember the last house party I went to)."
Maybe you don't flummoxed, but I'll bet it went something like this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFSyBBglmpI
@ MissDD1971 Aside from the cafes and adult education routes that I've mentioned trying, I'm not sure where to actually look to be honest. My last two girlfriends I met through work and previous to them it would have been the pubs and clubs way. Don't fancy the clubs thing these days, especially those over 30's ones; I always imagine them to be full of old shaggers of both sexes, rather than people out seeking long terms.
I am thinking of perhaps joining a walking group like the Ramblers or similar because I like the fresh air and the countryside, but I'm slightly concerned that they might be full of eco-warriors and vegetarians. Not that either are necessarily bad, I'd just be worried that they may find my carnivorous carbon polluting ways a bit too much and run off and leave me stranded in the woods.
As for approaching women on the street, I think unless it's someone that you see regularly like at the bus stop, or on the train ride into work, then you will only be met with suspicion; I can't see it ever working out well like in those old Impulse deodorant commercials of the 1980's.
One other thing I'll also mention is that for anyone using social media such as Facebook to do the whole 'self promotion' thing, you may want to think about not making yourself look too unavailable if you want to start a relationship (could also apply to online dating). If potential suitors only see photos of you confidently travelling the world, or always out with the girls they might just think you're busy enjoying your single life and not interested in finding a partner right now.
I've met my ex's through groups of friends mingling, problem is that was when we we're in our twenties/early thirties. Now at 47 all my old friends are settled down and having come out of a ten year relationship over a year ago I don't have that opportunity (can't remember the last house party I went to).
I've looked at online dating but I can't "feel" anything towards words and pictures so don't feel able to message any of the women I think I might like.
I starting to wonder if the internet is a barrier to people having to interact in RL as they invest everything online.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.