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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I being paranoid?

21 replies

Mrscaindingle · 14/08/2013 13:42

OK I could do with some MN wisdom re my current situation with STBXH as I am not sure how to procede at the moment.

My STBXH and I decided to separate about a month ago, he has been working abroad for the past 14 months following a really stressful 6 month period of unemployment for him in 2011/12.
He works a good 12 hour flight away so not able to get back for weekends etc but we decided it may work for a year or so to get us back on our feet ( the money is better than what he could earn here)

We have 2 DC age 12 and 9, I have been asking him for some months now about how he was getting on with job hunting in the UK as his contract was due to run out this summer, he has been quite evasive about it to which I ended up losing my temper and sending him lots of links for jobs here culminating in a phone call from him telling me he does not want to come back to the UK but most of all does not want to come back to me.

This was not a huge shock as things have not been great for a while but very upsetting non the less. I still assumed he would come back to the UK for the DC at least.

We were out for a previously planned visit 2 weeks ago and while there he informed me he has approached his company about a 2 year extension and also had divorce papers ready for me to sign. never mind that I have barely had time to get my head around the separation.

My spidey senses (pinched that fom another thread) started tingling though when DS1 mentioned that while I was away for a few days visiting a friend that 'Dads friend' had gone to see a film with them and that 'dad was showing off in front of her'. STBX had not mentioned this to me.
I've checked out this woman on FB and co-incidentally she is into stuff that STBX has recently become interested in.

He swears he is not seeing anyone but I just feel in my gut he is lying or at the very least lying by omission. I suppoes it's a moot point now seeing as we are already splitting up but I'm finding it very difficult to be civil and not bitter given that he has effectively abandoned his kids to pursue a singleton lifestyle which I never would have believed he could do and that I feel he has been planning this for a very long time.

If you're still here thanks for reading I guess I really needed to vent! and

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Mrscaindingle · 14/08/2013 13:44

Not sure where the extra and came from!

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Kaluki · 14/08/2013 13:48

Never ignore your guts - they rarely let you down.
Sorry but it doesn't look good.
Make sure you get everything in order legally and financially as if he is being devious now you will need to protect yourself and your dc.

tessa6 · 14/08/2013 13:51

Hi Mrs
So sorry you are going through this. I imagine you are not paranoid at all. Most people who leave relationships which are not abusive when there are children involved have had an element of the grass is greener somewhere else. Sometimes this is a flirtation but most often it is some kind of affair. Also most people do not tell the whole truth about this. Your husband is behaving deceitfully and disappointingly, though not that unusually, I'm afraid.

He probably believes that if you knew about the other relationship it would sour your co-parenting relationship and so he is hiding it in the best interest of your children and your future dynamic. Expect to have the children introduced to her in six months or so.

Good liars convince themselves that what they are saying is the truth so he may be self-righteous or offended if you call him on it. It doesn't mean it's not true.

However you have the right attitude by accepting it doesn't matter that much since you are splitting. All that matter is your life now and what you do with it. If it's any consolation relationships born this way are very hard to keep going, trust is at a premium.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2013 14:21

I think the first thing you learn from this is that you can't trust this man as far as you can throw him.

Look out for yourself now. Don't sign anything until you've had a good solicitor look over it.

One advantage to him living over there is that he won't be in your way - and you won't have to see him around. He's a pig behaving in this way but at least he's not a pig you'll have to see twice a week.

As he's not in the UK, ask your solicitor to factor in the cost of childcare, babysitting and cleaning. Why should you do all of that while he lives the single life?

Try not to have any more communications with him than you need to. He's not your friend.

Mrscaindingle · 14/08/2013 15:43

Thanks for the replies.....Oh god I knew all this in my heart of hearts but my stomach is sinking while reading the replies. After 19 years together- how did we get to this?
A good friend has advised me to get a solicitor, I was hoping to keep lawyers out of it but it looks like I don't have much choice given the circumstances

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Mrscaindingle · 14/08/2013 15:49

The thing is Tessa he's not outraged or indignant just evasive and trying to change the subject which was a tactic he has always reverted to when I am angry at him (and when he knows he's in the wrong)

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ImperialBlether · 14/08/2013 17:40

The thing is, he has moved on from your relationship and has left you behind. He forgot to tell you for a while, then when he remembered, he got annoyed that you weren't up to speed.

Maybe he used to protect you. Maybe he used to care for you. Now, he's made it clear that he's putting himself first. So you have to do the same. It'll be hard if you are used to putting him first and caring for him, but you have to forget that now and focus on yourself pretty sharpish. If you don't he will have pulled the metaphorical rug from underneath your feet.

Remember that on the one hand you do know him, so you know when he's lying, but at the same time he's not the man you thought he was, ie a man who would protect you and care for you.

I'm so sorry it's happened so quickly but you have to move fast now, too, otherwise you'll lose more than him, you'll lose your other assets.

Lovingfreedom · 14/08/2013 17:46

See a solicitor ASAP. Good luck. You will cope without him. Sorry to hear you are in this position. He's definitely having an affair. You know that.

Mrscaindingle · 14/08/2013 18:04

I've been online looking up solicitors in my area, I'm just in a state of shock at the speed of it all really.
Imperial, one of my friends also pointed out that the silver lining is I don't have to do the dreaded handing over of kids every other weekend. It's just quite shit for them though, I can hear them messing about downstairs happily for once they have no idea about any of it yet and I suspect it will be a slow realisation that their dad has effectively abandoned them to shag some woman that he's just met.

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ImperialBlether · 14/08/2013 18:09

Do you have to tell them yet, if he normally works away? How often were they seeing him in the last year?

I think it often moves quite quickly. It can be a physical shock so go easy on yourself.

Do you have plenty of support there?

Mrscaindingle · 14/08/2013 18:18

We were planning on telling them in the half term break, I just don't want them to hear it from someone else, namely their cousins, as once my inlaws find out it will be really hard to keep it contained.

My friends have been really great, most of my oldest dearest friends live a way away, I am working on my local social circle. I haven't been in this area too long but have a few potential friendships in the pipe line and plan on joining the PTA at DS1's high school which he just started today.

Just trying to keep as busy as I can at the moment. I really appreciate the replies makes me feel less alone with this.

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onefewernow · 14/08/2013 18:23

I would get the best possible settlement, and use the leverage of his guilt for leaving in order to maximise it.

Only after the ink is dry on the settlement would I let him know that you are aware he is a lying and cowardly prick who left you for another woman after 19 years, and was too cowardly to let you know.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2013 18:24

You're up in Scotland, then? You're not anywhere near Stirling, are you?

The PTA is a good idea. Do you work? If so, are there any friends there you can see in the evenings?

Are you not going to tell the in laws until half term then? It's a shame they wouldn't be able to keep it to themselves. Are they friendly with you?

Mrscaindingle · 14/08/2013 18:31

Onefornow, he is definitely feeling guilty as he's offering way more than he needs to so I will bite his hand off before he changes his mind.

Imperial, I lived in Stirling for 5 years but now in Glasgow ( who cares if I out mysel?)

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Mrscaindingle · 14/08/2013 18:37

The inlaws are friendly with me in fact I get on better with them than STBXH. My BIL however is a bit wet when it comes to parenting and I can imagine that even if I ask them not to, he and SIL will talk about it in front of their DC.
FIL is 80 at the end of this month, he is not going to take it well at all, if I could avoid telling him I would but they will just be asking when Ex is coming back and it's hard to keep lying to them all the time.

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Twinklestein · 14/08/2013 18:52

Don't sign anything, even if you think he's 'offering way more than he needs to', until your own solicitor has decided what you're entitled to. It may be more than you think.

It's a big minus for the kids that he's so far, but it's a big plus for you that there will be fewer dreaded handovers & agonising about his new bird spending time with your kids.

Mrscaindingle · 15/08/2013 00:03

Oh god.. I was on FB before bed and snooping looking at STBXH'spage (never a good idea really) and noticed he has deleted me from his family and relationship status.
I have unfortunately sent off a very angry message to him and told him what I think of him, totally against wise MNetters advice but I could scarcely contain my anger.
Silly really that he's done/doing so much worse and I let the dreaded FB get the better of me.
I am now up and unable to sleep so will be hanging around the night owls threads no doubt.

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ImperialBlether · 15/08/2013 00:53

Get yourself off Facebook, is my advice. It's the work of the devil.

onefewernow · 15/08/2013 00:54

Look, keep your cool. You know what he is now. Keep calm and apologise tomorrow if you have to. Get a solicitor pronto to look over the deal. Then decide . Sign if it is good.

Then blast him into hell if you want to.

Do NOT let your emotions get the better of you. Not that I'm sure i wouldn't!

However, a divorce is pretty inevitable here, and you will repent a bad deal at leisure. As will the kids.

If he is discovered he will move from a position of guilt to defense, and fight harder, because he will start to blame you in order to justify himself. That will cost, re the deal and lawyers costs.

Keep your head. You hold the cards.

Mrscaindingle · 15/08/2013 05:46

I know and I have taken your advice onefewer and have not exactly apologised but offered a more conciliatory (sp?) approach in order to find a way forward.
It's more than he deserves but tbh I just want him out of my life now and this whole thing over with.

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Lizzabadger · 15/08/2013 06:21

Please keep contact to an absolute minimum and stop checking facebook. Your priority is to get a solicitor. Sorry you are going through this.

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