I need closure after losing my friends but I cant get it

[whycantimoveon]

Sorry this may be long, but I will try and condense.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for about 3 years, I think it could be bipolar, because I have tremendous highs and lows. I am not on any medication as it made me feel weird and had terrible side effects.

I have had quite a severe 'low' for about 8 months, from Xmas until about a month or so ago. Mainly because of circumstances in my life (separated from husband 2 years ago, had a very bad breakup with new love, financial difficulties and health issues)

My 2 closest friends knew about my depression as well as the problems I have had.

I sometimes drink too much and do and say silly things.

In March this year I did just that. After that my 2 friends started being odd with me, leaving me out of events and ignoring my calls. It was very gradual and every time I asked them they said I was being paranoid and silly. There were also another few of my friends (5 altogether) who cut contact with me.

I said to one that I felt I must be a bad person if they didnt want to be friends with me any more, her reply was that I was (amongst other things) 'defensive, argumentative and thoughtless' but not a bad person. This confused me a lot and I didnt dare say anything in case I was any of those things.

I stopped going out and spent all of my days off work and when I didnt have the children in bed crying.

Another friend came round to see me and I told her everything, she said they were completely wrong and that I was none of those things, I was just going through a bad time and friends should understand that. She rallied and another couple of friends spent almost all their spare time with me, bringing me back up and getting me back on my feet.

I am much better now and can see everything clearly. I know that I did nothing wrong (apart from maybe saying a couple of daft things whilst drunk) and I did not deserve to be treated like I have been.

I have also found out that these women have been telling others that I am an awful person and should be avoided. One even rang the friend who has helped me to tell her that she needed to be wary of me.

I am strong enough to deal with it all now and rise above it, but I feel like I cant properly move on until I have the answers as to WHY?? I texted one of the friends to ask them and she texted me back to say stop 'harassing' her. I texted the other friend and her boyfriend rang me to say that he would send someone round to 'sort me out' if I bullied his girlfriend again.

I want to know what has happened to my friends. Or what I did that was so bad that they want to hurt me so much. We were friends for over 20 years, how can they suddenly hate me so much?

I am very lucky that I have other friends, but I feel bereaved, I feel like years have been taken away from me with no explanation.

Im sorry if the above sounds strange, but it is strange!! I wish I could just move on.

[LemonPeculiarJones]

So what did you say to your friends/ex-friends?

I think you need to be very open about that in order to get a handle on what is happening. Maybe what you said was a deal breaker for them?

Losing friends hurts, I know. You have my sympathies

[whycantimoveon]

Do you mean what did I say when I was drunk?

I cant post the details really as it may show who I am, but it was basically a misunderstanding on a night out, I thought something had happened and I said that I was pissed off about it. The following day I apologised when I realised I was wrong. It really wasnt a big thing (had confirmation from the other friends who say it wasnt) also I dont know for definite it was that! I am just confusingly guessing..

[Stropzilla]

Losing friends hurts. Maybe the comment wasn't a big deal to you but was to her. Perhaps she decided you were too much work? Not saying you are, but clearly you have a lot going on and some people are only fair weather friends.

[whycantimoveon]

I understand the fair weather thing and I would be able to accept that if they werent such long standing friends (one has been a friend since childhood, our own children are friends)

I see what you are saying about the comments (and I dont know for definite it was that as she wont tell me) but I have asked other friends and they say that it really wasnt anything. I wish I could say what it was, but it will almost definitely show who I am !

[LemonPeculiarJones]

Yes, that's what I was wondering about. You say you have form for saying silly things when drunk, but for whatever reason these two particular friends didnt just find it 'silly' or 'daft' and have had enough. Perhaps it has happened one time too many for them?

I'm not sticking up for them, but they have every right to make that decision and it shows they aren't the friends you thought they were.

If they want to distance themselves, let them. It sounds like you have friends who do care about you - focus on them.

I've lost a couple of friends along the way and at the time it was so painful and I felt angry about it, furious and let down, but now I see that it's just something that happens, people change, dynamics shift, you can't control these things. You have to let people go if they can't continue within the relationship, for whatever reason.

I hope things even out for you. Maybe return to your GP to discuss alternative drugs?

[DaisyBD]

Speaking as someone who has had a big drink problem in the past, I know that it's very easy for me to minimise the damage and chaos I caused through drinking. What you said or did to your friends may not have been a big deal for you, but it obviously was to them.

I've found the way to be able to move on from stuff like this (and you have my sympathies, it's horrible to feel like you've lost friends) is to keep my side of the street clean, ie, apologise to them for the shit stuff I've done WITHOUT expecting anything in return. Then if they say sorry too, it paves the way to reconciliation. But if they don't - well at least you've done your bit, and can move on with a clear conscience.

Good luck and hope you can feel better soon.

[MariaLuna]

You may never get closure.

I think you need to try and stop obsessing about this. Because it isn't doing you any good, only making you go round in circles.

It's happened, and from the reactions you have had when trying to get clarity, from "harassing", "bullying" and "sending someone to sort you out" , these are not people who have your best interests at heart.

Like somebody said, some people are only "fair weather" friends.

I'm sorry you are going through all this.

Not all friends are in our life forever. It is sad when a strong friendship over the years starts to peter out. It hurts yes.

I have had friends who have dropped me from one day to the next and left me wondering what I did wrong..... It happens.

Best to (figuratively) pick yourself up off the floor, pat yourself down, give yourself a hug and get on with it.

Stick to the friends who ARE there for you.

[whycantimoveon]

Thank you to all.

I know I need to stop obsessing and move on, I keep dreaming about it.

Last night I dreamed that I was in a park, and one of the friends was there, she was telling people not to talk to me and people were crossing the street to get away from me, I woke up sobbing.. I hate feeling like this.

Whilst I agree that drunken comments shouldnt not be dismissed, they were happy to share drinks with me at the numberous parties I held. They were happy to accept drinks and paid for nights out when I had money (my finances have changed dramatically)

I would have done anything for them, I would do anything for any of my friends.

[LemonPeculiarJones]

Give it time. It'll take a bit of time.

You can't reason through it - it makes no difference whether they came to your parties while they were maybe still processing how they felt about being in a friendship with you.

They've decided to end the friendship - whatever you dream or however you try to analyse it makes no difference and is simply something taking place within your own mind, affecting no one but you.

Dreams are good though - you are working through the feelings, however upsetting.

[something2say]

But not everyone is the same as you.

I'd focus on sorting your mental health and confidence and self esteem out. It's a self perpetuating cycle and only you, as an adult, can break it.

I had a friend who was crisis city, all the time. Constantly needing help and money and time and phone calls. People don't want it. And I don't think people are going to say it to your face, so don't bother ringing again.

I think you deeply fear that something is wrong with you, so take that impetus and have a good hard look at your actions and behaviour, and don't lean on people to do it. Then change, slowly and surely, everything you think is wrong.

Underpin at all times with self esteem work...I am strong enough, I am worth it, I am getting better and I can feel it...sort of thing. You do deserve to be happy.

[Pigsmummy]

Let it go and focus on staying well, your children and the friends that rallied.

You don't know, really truly how you were you were at your lowest and/or drunk so whilst you think that you were ok you might not have been? Daisy put it very well in her post, apologise and expect nothing back but stop dwelling. You have gone through a tough time and come out the other end.

[bragmatic]

A friend is being a little like this at the moment. When she is drunk she has said some pretty offensive things, and while I know it is the drink talking, it doesn't make it any less pleasant to be on the receiving end. I'm quite sure she doesn't remember a lot of it. I hope she gets herself together soon, but in the meantime I am distancing myself from her. She needs help, but I am not the one to give it to her.

Genuinely apologise, and leave it at that.

[whycantimoveon]

I dont truly know how I was at my lowest.

I dont remember a lot of the days when I laid in bed all the time (I wasnt drunk, just low) I dont think I spoke to anyone though.

I want to be able to let go and move on, I know I have to. Whatever I said/did does not deserve being threatened, I definitely definitely have never threatened anyone.

Thanks for everyones replies.

Bragmastic, will you explain to your friend why you are distancing yourself?

[BreeWannabe]

Clearly whatever you said was a big deal to them, and you need to let it go. Don't contact them; they clearly don't want to hear from you and it will just make it worse. Everyone has done things they're ashamed of; and it's not always possible to make it right. Sometimes we hurt others to the extent that there is no going back. Unfortunately, you just have to accept that, learn and grow from it, and move on. Forgive yourself, do not drink again, and get help whether via counselling or GP etc to deal with the root causes.

[chillinwithmyyonis]

My sister is like this and it is very hurtful to be at the receiving end tbh and I haven't spoken to her for months because of the last episode.

From your situation, was it a couple of daft things to you but something potentially hurtful to them? When you're that close to someone, its hard to brush off offending comments even if to you they seem 'daft', actually it can hurt more when its someone close.

And what did you text to your friends? Could it be interpreted as abusive?

[Vivacia]

I would distance myself from an alcoholic friend. I'm not sure there's much you can do apart from the sincere apology with no strings attached already suggested above.

[Vivacia]

Also, I don't normally ask for details on here, but I think your unwillingness to say exactly what you did could be a sign of you minimising and denying the hurt you've caused.

[whycantimoveon]

I showed the texts to my other friends, they all said that it was a cry for help from my point of view, and not nasty in the slightest.

I have read and re-read the texts, all I read is me begging to tell me what I have done.

I wouldnt consider myself an alcoholic. I may drink too much sometimes but I am not an alcoholic.

I am more afraid of it being obvious who I am, but I dont want to make it look like this is a massive terrible thing.

Without too many details, there were a few of us who went into town (a half an hour taxi ride away) whilst in a pub, 2 said they were going home and I said I wanted to stay out (thinking that the others were staying out) they ALL went home (there were 8 altogether) I thought they had deliberately left me and I texted them and said they were out of order and that they could all F off. I was very upset. The next day from speaking to others the 2 thought that I knew they were all going and wanted to stay out alone. When I realised that they hadnt deliberatly left me I apologised and explained why I was so upset.

As I said earlier though, I dont even know whether that is the reason! they started to drop me slowly after that.

[bbqsummer]

Do you live in Devon/Cornwall op? Lol. There's a lot of this kind of shit in the Westcountry.

I have had some similar experiences with people I thought were friends. The thing is, when I woke up to the fact that some 'friends' were only friendly for a reason (and it sounds like you had money and lavished it on your mates), and that when that pull for them ends (ie you have no money anymore and have been heavily miserable and needing support) they just drop you.

They don't sound nice. They don't sound like your friends.

I have had three friends who behaved like this. I don't tolerate the shit anymore. I consider them dumped. They aint my friends and never were - and women who accuse you of harassing them or who set their partners on you, really are the lowest of the low.

Forget them. Remember instead, the good friends who have been there for you and totally blank those who have let you down.

[bbqsummer]

oh and when the first of my 'friends' did this to me (we ran a small business together, we spoke on the phone everyday) i grovelled and begged her to tell me what i had done. She just refused to speak to me then sent her husband out to tackle me over some small piece of neighboiurly shite one evening.

The whole experience made me ill. i packed in the business.

Since then, I have gained self-esteem and if I was faced with the same circs again i would have no compunction about telling her where to fuck off to and how to fuck off even further when she got there.

Be strong and bold. They aren't your friends. They never were. Friends stick with you. I have several life-long friends who helped me to see that my 'friends' here are simply not worth the mental or emotional bother.

[bbqsummer]

...oo and one last thing. One of the 'friends' who treated me like this, recently started trying to be my friend again as her marriage is in trouble. I have been very polite but shown a considerable amount of disinterest in her.

[whycantimoveon]

BBQ no I dont live there lol

The whole things seems silly and childish now that my head is clearer, but I really thought I knew these women. I know I am far from perfect, but I am definitely not an alcoholic, if I am then they are too! we all used to drink the same amount. My mind doesnt always work straight when I am drunk and I say and do whatever comes into my head.

Thats why I need to know the reasons. I have tortured myself for weeks/months wondering what I had done, how bad a person I must be for them to turn against me.

I have never been any different though, why now after 20 odd years of friendship suddenly be 'sick of it' (if that is the case. The money situation does make sense (although that is very hurtful if thats the case! is that all they wanted??) I was quite generous, I used to do a lot of BBQs and dinner parties and would sometimes pay taxi fairs etc. if it meant that a friend could go out. My money dried up when I became ill as I couldnt work as many hours.

[whycantimoveon]

And BBQ I am sorry that happened to you :-(

I am considering moving house as we all live in the same small village

[Vivacia]

I wouldn't tolerate anyone telling me to fuck off. The fact that often you have to ignore and forgive drunken insults and aggression is why I don't like being around drunk people. However, I can see that your friendship group has different norms and how their actions have hurt you.

[bbqsummer]

Yep bet you a thousand quid it was your money they enjoyed. They thought they really liked you too of course...but when you needed real support they changed their opinion of them. Chameleons, charlatans. Useless friends. Sorry you have suffered from poor health. But such things really do sort out who your genuine friends are. And often they are in very unexpected places...

Stop worrying about them. Stop questioning yourself. Pour yourself a huge glass of wine, and be glad that they aren't weasling their way into your purse anymore.