Should I have counselling?

[Confusedandmoreconfused]

Oh where do I start?!

NC for what will hopefully be obvious reasons.

Been with DH for nearly 3 years, love him dearly but our sex life has been very 'quiet' for the past year or so.

The main reason is I have a very low sex drive, when I was 16 I was raped and I then got into a long term relationship when I was 17 with a 25 year old man. We had a very odd sex life, he used to have sex with me when I was asleep, and wouldn't be bothered if I cried when we had sex (normally having flashbacks to what had happened before) and used to refer to the man that raped me as 'the other guy I had sex with'.

At the time I think I was still getting over what had happened as it had been only 6 months before, and I was a virgin at the time I don't think I coped with it very well (friends said I was a slut etc) so ex-p was the only person I really spoke to about it. I think I didn't explain myself very well to my ex-p or friends as I just kept saying that the guy forced himself on me and I didn't feel comfortable with saying I was raped as I had always imagined that was when a woman was dragged down an alleyway by a stranger. Now I'm older, I realise that it was rape.

Now, I'm with DH and the memories of what happened haunt me and it affects our sex life. As an example, we will send flirty messages all day and then when he comes home in the evening and comes onto me I panic, I feel like I've trapped myself and I have to go through with it, then it brings back the memories and I then burst into tears. It upsets me because DH gets upset at the thought of me thinking of him that way (which I don't- he has never pressured me and never would) and it upsets me that nearly 10 years on this 'man' still has what feels like a hold over my body and emotions.

DH has always been amazing really supportive and understands. Sometimes I burst into tears mid sex others it's after, and he is very patient. Something my ex-p never was.

I just don't know if I should go for counselling or what else I can do. I want to be past this and have a normal relationship with my husband. I want to feel like I've overcome what has happened.

[DistanceCall]

Yes. Definitely. Your past experiences are hurting you, and you need help to deal with them.

Good luck.

[chipsahoy]

Both men raped you :( I think counselling would help lots.

I am sorry for what you went through, but with some help you can enjoy sex again.

[Confusedandmoreconfused]

Oh chips... I hadn't seen it that way before... What ex-p did didn't leave me with the same feelings as what had happened before it was just very bizarre and quite creepy.

Im intimidated by the idea of counselling. I was in tears just writing it all out in my post the idea of talking about it face to face with a stranger would be horrible... I just don't know how else I can move past this.

[OxfordBags]

I do think you should go for therapy, yes. What that other man did to you was also rape and abuse: having sex with someone as they sleep is rape, as you cannot consent (it is rape under the law, btw) and having sex with you even though you were having flashbacks and crying was appallingly abusive and I would also classify this as a form of rape, as you were clearly not wanting sx and in no fit state to consent properly.

10 years on, and your experiences are still making you cry and not be able to enjoy the sex life you deserve with your lovely DH. Forget about his needs for a while and consider that you deserve pleasure and it just being a fun, easy,loving thing.

This will not go away on it's own, and will possibly just get worse. Trying to forget about it hasn't worked. Having a Dh who is tender, considerate, and thoughtful in bed hasn't worked. It's not just your mind that remembers rape, it's your body too. This can be why you cry during or after, even if your mind hasn't thought about it.

Therapy doesn't mean you are weak, or crazy, or anything like that. In fact, it is the strongest thing you can for yourself, the most powerful show of commitment to your DH you can make, in order to heal yourself.

You did nothing wrong, you were not at fault, so please get some help and break their spell over your happiness.

[Catnap26]

Oh confused i can't imagine what u went through,what an awful thing to happen.i truly believe in counselling it has helped me so much.please don't think it is scary at all and if u feel like it is then tell that to the counsellor,tell them everything you feel.your dh sounds like a very caring man and your intimate life with him doesn't even compare to what you had before so don't try to think of the sex being the same.sending lots of hugs x

[OxfordBags]

X-post: just because what your Ex did made you feel bad in a different way from the obvious rape, doesn't mean it wasn't rape, sorry. What he did to you was even worse, IMHO, because he was supposed to love you and care for you and give you pleasure, but he took advantage of your youth and hurt and vulnerability.

Talking is hard... But look at it this way: the worst things that could have happened to you have already happened. Use your words to rob them of their power in your mind and life.

[Confusedandmoreconfused]

Thank you OxfordBags & Catnap26

I thinks its just difficult to understand. It took a while for me to accept what happened originally was rape as I had my friends blame me, and being young and naive I believed them. I suppose rape isn't just the typical "crimewatch" scene that is portrayed to everyone. Now to have to think of what happened with my ex-p in the same way makes me feel sick. I just don't know if he thought what he was doing was rape. I don't think he even thought it was wrong...

Catnap - I try not to think of sex with DH in the same way, it's just like something switches on in my head and I panic and then I flashback. I wish I could control it, as it makes me even more upset that he is still controlling my life. I wish I could block those thoughts from entering my head again.

[OxfordBags]

Sweetheart, decent men know that a woman cannot consent to sex when she is asleep. Decent men don't want to have sex with a sleeping woman because it is creepy, and because non-consensual sex disgusts them, not turns them on. Decent men would not be able to get an erection at the thought of having sex with a woman who was unconscious.

I'm not trying to make this worse for you, I just want you to see the truth.

What you describe as happening with your Dh sounds a bit like PTSD. You will not be able to control or stop that without proper professional help. Facing it during therapy will not be worse than what you have been through and what you go throughin these moments, Hand on heart.

[Twinklestein]

I'm so sorry OP, you poor thing. Fwiw one of my best friend's was raped at a similar age, and then went into a similarly abusive relationship.

I'm glad Oxford mentioned PTSD, because I was thinking the same thing. It's a very common consequence of rape, and flashbacks are one of the key symptoms.

I definitely think you should try counselling. Are you aware that there are people who specialise in sexual trauma & abuse? I would recommend you call Rape Crisis & talk to them - they are brilliant.

Whether your ex believed what was he doing was rape or not is irrelevant, it was. Perhaps he believed in the 'droit du seigneur'; perhaps he lied to himself because he didn't want to think he was a bad person; or perhaps simply didn't care. Either way, legally what he did was rape and ignorance of the law is no defence.

You absolutely can overcome the past, my friend has, & all of her flashbacks & panic attacks have gone.

[appletarts]

Make sure you go through here - www.bacp.co.uk If you work with a good therapist they will work at a pace so you don't get flooded with trauma all over again.

[Twinklestein]

Rape Crisis can help find you a counsellor, they may be able to provide one, if you are near one of their centres.

^"You can contact any of the helplines to talk to someone and they will support you in finding out what is available in your area. Please be aware that most lines are only staffed at certain times of the week due to limited resources.

Alternatively, you can call the national Rape Crisis helpline to speak to a trained worker, who can also tell you where your nearest Centre is if you would like face-to-face support or counselling.^"

www.rapecrisis.org.uk

Freephone: 0808 802 9999

[Confusedandmoreconfused]

Thank you all so much.

Are you sure that they won't think I'm being ridiculous, the original incident was nearly 10 years ago. I'd feel like I was wasting their time. But I'm concerned if I go to regular cons cellar they won't 'understand'

To top this evening off (feeling very fragile now) SIL's new DP has made a 'joke' about a friend raping a girl... I feel sick, this what people think isn't it, that its a joke.

[Glenshee]

"Are you sure that they won't think I'm being ridiculous" - absolutely not. To the contrary, any therapist would recommend to deal with traumatic experiences like this from the past.

Talking about it hard, but therapists do not expect it to be easy - it's their job to create the best possible environment for you to work through your feelings and emotions at your pace. Successful therapy will make you more aware of the effects that the past events have on your current (often maladaptive) behaviours and coping strategies.

(Speaking from experience).

[OxfordBags]

No, that is what a small minority of scumbags, cunts and thoughtless idiots thinks. A nyone who thinks rape is funny are not worth bothering about, they are so far from decent and normal that they in no way represent the majority.

Rape Crisis will absolutely NOT think you are being ridiculous. They only exist to help women who have suffered sexual assaults and abuse, from the most minor to the most severe. They help teens and they also help OAPs who were raped as young women. This is from their webpage:

"Rape Crisis Centres provide crucial crisis and long-term specialised support, counselling and independent advocacy for women and girls of all ages who have experienced any form of sexual violence at any time in their lives; whether recently and/or in the past". See that? whether recently and/or in the past.

You have not only suffered one rape, you then went on to suffer a relationship that sounds horribly sexually abusive. It doesn't matter if your Ex thought it was okay to rape you as you slept (hint: he didn't), to do that to you was legally rape. And he did it not just once but often. Am pretty sure that having sex with you as you cried and had flashbacks would come into some legal area of questionable consent too.

I know you don't want to hear this, but far from thinking you are being ridiculous, Rape Crisis will think you have a history of very serious and sustained rape and sexual abuse.

And it's not just Rape Crisis you will be on your side and know that this is serious stuff, either. Anyone worth their salt will see that you need help dealing with that awful sexual past. Some counsellors are not as trained as others (or even professionally trained, as anyone can set themselves up as one, sadly), or are not that experienced in dealing with problems stemming sexual assault. You need to get yourself a counsellor trained specifically in this area, or a psychotherapist (they are far better trained than counsellors, in general).

[Glenshee]

This video is quite good:
What is your advice for the survivor looking for a trauma therapist?

[Confusedandmoreconfused]

Thank you for the reassurance OxfordBags and Glenshee

I emailed Rape crisis last night. I don't think I could talk to them on the phone about it yesterday, I was a bit of a blubbering mess. It's something I've wanted to do for nearly 10years.

I don't have the option of going through my GP, as my mum is very closely linked (professionally) with my GP surgery and I couldn't trust them to not say anything l her, and I coudnt risk that as none of my family know about this. I am aware that they aren't meant to share personal information as its against the law but I just do not trust that this would remain confidential.