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Relationships

Husband admitted one night stand

77 replies

Purplefi · 13/08/2013 09:40

I was admitted to a&e and had surgery for a condition with 75% cause as an sti. I said well that's not my cause, I've been with husband 15 years married for 10. We have 2 children.

Home from hospital kept thinking. Asked husband outright had he been unfaithful. He said no several times.

5 days later he stepped out the shower and told me he'd slept with someone. Had a one night stand. 6 months ago. Drunk at a nightclub. He rarely goes out drinking and clubbing. Once or twice a year with work.

He also told me he's got addicted to watching porn. Thought what he had wasnt enough, then had a one night stand and realised what he had was.

Oh and he got into debt 2 years ago. business failed. Didn't tell me, buried head in sand and now what he owes is tripled and owes over 10 grand.

I'm devastated, always felt we were a good team, friends, partners etc. It seems so out of character for him. I can see how past couple of years we have made less of an effort with each other. He started job with massive daily commute. separated our lives. But there would have been better ways to deal with it.

I could have worked through the debt, the porn, but I always thought infidelity was a breaker for me. plus all the lying makes me uneasy. Now I'm faced with it I don't know.

If I hadn't have got ill, I'm not sure he would have admitted it. Since the admittance he's looked up counselling, sti clinics, stopped the porn, looked into sorting the debt to stop it mounting up more, arranged the children to go to his parents so I have recovery time physically and mentally. basically made the effort that had gone.

I'm confused and upset, its only the third day after finding out. Do we split or stay and try and rebuild our relationship. He's been selfish, immature and passive. Currently it seems like a wake up call but can he really change. I still love him but hate him too. He apparently loves me still. Yes I know, if he loved me why sleep with someone else, with no respect or thought for me.

Sorry so long, but my head and heart are all over the place.

OP posts:
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FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 13/08/2013 09:44

Would you both consider counselling?

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bluestar2 · 13/08/2013 09:44

I'm sure someone wise will be along shortly but my advice would be you need distance from him for a period of time to allow you to process what has happen before you even consider whether to stay or not.
Unfortunately it seems he owned up because there was no other way you could have caught sti so you knew he was lying. He has has time to minimise his actions and I'm not sure you will have had the whole truth from him yet.
Sorry you are going through this

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TheSecondComing · 13/08/2013 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doha · 13/08/2013 09:49

He needs to move out for a while for you to decide what you want to do, my guess he has admitted just what he thinks he can get away with ie the minimum and these is probably more to come out.

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nurseneedshelp · 13/08/2013 09:52

You poor thing, do you trust him enough to believe it was only a one night stand?

There could have been several? Could have been a long term affair?

Not sure how you can move forward from this because the trust has now gone, hopefully someone more wiser that's been through this will come with some good advice.

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hellsbellsmelons · 13/08/2013 09:52

As with all cheaters, he is probably minimising.
He could well have done this more than once.
As he says he's addicted to porn I would also hazard a guess that he's been with prostitutes.
As PP said, take some time for yourself.
He needs to leave for a while so you can decide what you want without him constantly there.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Be strong and kick him out for a little while at least.

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Purplefi · 13/08/2013 09:53

Thanks for replies. Yes we would both consider counseling. He's now realised what he will lose apparently!! Shame he didn't think about it before.
Plus I too am still niggling that there is more to come. He has continually lied. So why would I have the whole truth now.

OP posts:
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Facepalmninja · 13/08/2013 09:55

No excuse for sticking his penis into an other woman, I would tell him to go and only come back if you decide that you can forgive and he works hard at earning back trust. For me however it would be a deal breaker and he would find himself being a eunuch

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Mixxy · 13/08/2013 09:55

You had to have surgery because he gave you an STI which he denied!?! I'm sorry honey. If surgery isn't a proceedure you can explain at a Christmas dinner with family, it has to be a deal breaker.

One night stand unprotected sex? Sounds like hookers.

I'm so sorry. Tell him to give you space.

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NotDead · 13/08/2013 09:57

Oh jeez facepalms at the hookers comment. PLENTY of women ONS without protection..

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NotDead · 13/08/2013 09:57

not to mention how many 'hookers' use protection...

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Coconutty · 13/08/2013 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longdistance · 13/08/2013 10:05

Just bleurgh. He's lucky he's not my h, as he'd be out the door like a rocket at the end of my foot.

If you want to save your marriage I think he needs to give you space so you can put your thoughts together.

And I do agree that there may be more to come. I really feel for you op.

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Mixxy · 13/08/2013 10:06

notdead That would cause surgery!?

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Mixxy · 13/08/2013 10:07

She mentioned business debt: cheap hookers.

Is it any worse than a ONS? Depends on the surgeon who cuts you I suppose.

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cupcake78 · 13/08/2013 10:10

It too early for you to make a decision! Give yourself time to get over the shock and then you maybe able to make better decisions.

It's reasonable enough to suggest he's minimised what's been going on. I think the hookers comment may or may not be true but there are sadly plenty of women who are happy to have drunken one night stands with married men. However the chances of catching an sti from a single one night stand are slim!


The point is if you are to have a future with him then at some point you need to be able to move on from this and get the trust back. I'm not sure I could do it but I have not been in your situation!

It would be normal now for you to find out more especially with counselling.

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Doha · 13/08/2013 10:16

I dont think l could get passed that his "ONS" and utter selfishness put my health at risk. He would not have admitted it-in fact only probably admitted it when faced with the "evidence" of you needing surgery.
Has he been for treatment himself OP. He obviously has what you have caught.
His actions now are too little far too late. Respect and trust are out the window, do you honestly think you can move on from this?

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Lulabellarama · 13/08/2013 10:17

Mixxy Your views are rather odd. 'Hookers' get exactly the same sti's that everyone else does, in exactly the same way - but most are at least savvy about protection.

OP I think that whether or not your marriage is salvageable cannot be determined while you are together. Get him to move out and give you space while you gather your thoughts and re-evaluate your new reality. I also think it's unlikely you've got the whole truth now. That the ONE time he was unfaithful he contracted an sti? Very questionable. I'd be telling him that you expect the whole truth before any discussion of counselling can begin.

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Purplefi · 13/08/2013 10:17

Thanks everyone.

Its not certain he did give me an sti. sti tests came back negative, I found out yesterday. But it's a bit of a mystery to the dr.s to the cause.

But now I know he had a one night stand he could have. He's going to get tested.

We've always been close. He doesn't have much time away apart from a genuine commute, over 2 hours each way, daily. Doesn't go out a lot with mates drinking etc.

So part of me believes it was just a one night stand. The other part thinks you've already lied what else is there.

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Mixxy · 13/08/2013 10:21

Lulabellerama: I live in NYC, and trust me, hookers come in all levels and price ranges.

My field is statisitics. If you stick your dick in the lower and cheaper and more drug addicited pool, normal rates of ingection doesnt apply.

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JustBecauseICan · 13/08/2013 10:22

I doubt it was a one night stand.

Very few cheaters just do it once. Whatever you decide, remember that.

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Mixxy · 13/08/2013 10:23

INFECTION

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Purplefi · 13/08/2013 10:26

The surgery I required was for an uncommon problem apparently. Most caused by untreated sti, chlamydia or gonnorhea.
If not that then Tb, coil, abortion and couple of other causes. None of which apply to me either.
It's a bit of a mystery, now I know my sti test were negative. I only found that out after he admitted the ons and I don't have answers from medical people.
So I can't definitely say he gave me an sti that required me to have surgery.

OP posts:
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Mixxy · 13/08/2013 10:32

When, before the surgery, was your last PAP, if you don't mind saying?


Not that shoild matyer for a second. Bit you still believe there is more info to come, right?

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Fairenuff · 13/08/2013 10:35

In your OP you wrote I can see how past couple of years we have made less of an effort with each other

Please don't start to think that this is because of something you did, or did not do. If there were problems in the relationship there are ways of addressing them that do not involve shagging around.

Sorry, but I too think that this is likely to have been more than once. The fact that he lies a lot would mean that you can't trust what he says anyway.

Take some time, keep posting.

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