Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

(1000 Posts)
CharlotteCollinsismovingon Sun 11-Aug-13 23:36:02

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Sun 11-Aug-13 23:36:53

Welcome all you lovely regulars and newbies. And welcome lurkers, too.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 11-Aug-13 23:48:04

Thanks, our Charlotte! flowers all round.

minkembernard Mon 12-Aug-13 00:55:51

Thanks charlotte x wink

pony gringringrin at fook and feck.

Maybe i should write a book of analogies on abuse called
the train from greasy bloaters to indifference by A. Staggering Vixen.grin

crushedpetals Mon 12-Aug-13 06:05:11

thanks to Charlotte.

Just to say, from last night, 'I know he's spoken to the agent about the house. But I believe he can't put an offer in till he's viewed the place'.

shock he'd have the clothes off your back. Actually, literally, they probably would.

Handholding to rose for today.

pony that was nice what you wrote about not recognising yourself a year on. Very heartening.

I woke up panicking about the amount of work I need to do over the next few months, so am going to have to take a step back from this thread and focus. I will still pop in, but I am going to have to be disciplined and concentrate on work-related matters. It is a bit scary, because you have all carried me this far, so time to test out my own two feet a bit. Much love and strength to you all, and enormous thanks.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Mon 12-Aug-13 06:12:38

Good luck with the work, petals. Hope it isn't too stressful.

3 dcs in my bed and no room for me! So that's me up, then!

Dearjackie Mon 12-Aug-13 06:40:04

Hi everyone, is it ok for me to hop on board this thread? Ive had fabulous support on my thread on relationships board and I recognise a few of you on here. Hello charlotte and *mink how are you doing?

It's been 9 days now and not heard a thing so I guess no news is good news. Still not sleeping at night and am a bit annoyed that he's the first thing I think of when I open my eyes aghrrrrrr!!

Today is poignant for me, although its nothing to do with me now. For 3 years I've been with him whilst he's worked towards a promotion and struggled for money and today is the day he is being signed off and should achieve it. Do you think there may be a coincidence in the timing of his flouncing off and ending it again?? Cynic that I am

BloomingRose Mon 12-Aug-13 06:50:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crushedpetals Mon 12-Aug-13 07:03:09

Charlotte, it will be a rollercoaster for several months, but have made a start! Though maybe I will ditch the rollercoaster analogy and just reserve a quiet space on mink's train.

Can I do the bell for Rose??


Seat on the train for Rose

Thinking of you today.

ponygirlcurtis Mon 12-Aug-13 07:50:01

Morning all - Rose am hanging out the train window, cheering you with my whisk. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... It will be a hard day I know this is the start of your life now. Love this: Let's do this. Go girl!!!!

mink I'd buy your book!

petals sometimes it's good to have a wee break and do RL stuff! We'll still be here, pop in and say hi sometimes. And remember: Nil illigitimatae carborundum.

Dearjackie (fab name) - glad you have been strong, keep going, keep posting, it helps hugely to just let it out on here.

minkembernard Mon 12-Aug-13 09:48:10

<waves to Jackie>

Rings bell `All aboard!!!' next stop indifference.

rose good luck. courage. and don't be afraid to let the tears flow. another analogy from someone else maybe fool or fairy. escape is like being born. it can be hard work and a bit traumatic. but you are well on now and a brave new world awaits.

petals we have reserved a special seat for you in the quiet carriage. smile so you can work and the train Will carry you along.

Buffet service today includes brew hamwidges, jamwidges and cake but absolutely no greasy bloaters!

<explanations to any new arrivals- yes this is The EA thread not some train spotting thread. Do come and join us if you need us you are verywelcome>

minkembernard Mon 12-Aug-13 10:00:17

Also for new arrivals a wee bit of terminology

FW an abuser of one shape or another

greasy bloater - the unappetising thing you were served up from the menu of life that definitely was not what you ordered.

FOTTFSOFAWTGTFOSM what we would like our FW to do f off to the far side of fook and when they get there feck off some more.

The vixens - the imaginary but very welcoming pub where you can shelter from the FWs and be in good company. where you are welcome to laugh or cry, rant or rave or anything else you like really.we have a large supply of wotsits on offer wink

Lundy- Lundy Bancroft author of why does he do that. see links above. well worth reading.

Welcome anyone who has just arrived. flowersbrew the links at the top are very helpful. Feel free to post or lurk.
Sorry you find yourself needing this thread but welcome. if you have rant we have brew

and to all the passengers on the train thanks thank you.

minkembernard Mon 12-Aug-13 10:05:01

Jackie he is the first thing i think about he Will be for a while probably. your mind has a lot to work through. it just takes time.
I get annoyed at how much time it takes but it does gradually get better.

charlotte good luck with house today. go for it. serious hmm at your FW asking you to check it out for him. hmm

Dearjackie Mon 12-Aug-13 10:12:19

mink the list of terminology has given me a laugh. BRILLIANT x especially the greasy bloater

TheSilverySoothsayer Mon 12-Aug-13 10:35:02

As I have said before, I actually like bloaters (not that you ever seem to see them these days) Perhaps that's why I stayed in my marriage so long? Cold greasy bloater several decades old - not nice! as I eventually realised.

Strength to all, especially rose today.

ponygirlcurtis Mon 12-Aug-13 10:40:46

See greasy bloaters is just a funny, funny word. And I laughed out loud at the hamwidges. Yap! grin I think I'd put some dirty-minded wotsits in my hamwidge, yum!

Rose, hope you are out and busy unpacking. Sending you my thoughts across the miles.

Jackie 9 days is very early on. It's all-consuming for a long, long time. I'm over a year out and only just recently I feel I have properly exorcised him from my head (although not fully, but nearly, damn him and his big handsome self). Be kind to yourself, and go gently. You will get there, but it will take time.

NoraLuca Mon 12-Aug-13 10:45:04

Hello all, I'm going to try and follow this thread. I am on my own in the office, all the other feckers are on holiday. Boo!

Jackie 9 days is no time at all. You may go through happy / sad / happy phases before you finally settle down - it is a huge change you've just been through. Like when you have a new baby and it takes time to find 'normal'.

Dearjackie Mon 12-Aug-13 10:46:12

ponygirl thanks I will just go with it all, I feel empty at the moment

Some of the comments on here are funny though and lighten the mood just what's needed at the moment.

ponygirlcurtis Mon 12-Aug-13 11:06:47

I know that empty feeling, Jackie. I used to fill mine up with food, I would panic if I felt even the slightest bit hungry. If he's not in contact with you that's good in that it gives you a break. Just watch though, he may decide soon to get in touch, they just seem to know when to get in touch for the maximum effect, and it will be confusing because you may want to fill the empty void with him being in your life, after having a little break from him things might not seem so bad... So be prepared - and post on here if in doubt!

We have plenty of laughs on here. It's needed, sometimes. It's good for the soul. This thread (and the lovely people on it) has been my saviour. Sorry that you are in need of its support, but you are in the right place.

ponygirlcurtis Mon 12-Aug-13 11:30:56

<waves to Nora> how are you, how have things been?

Noregrets78 Mon 12-Aug-13 11:32:26

No time! But need to mark a place so I can hear that rose is safe and well in her new place. Well done Rose hope it goes well.

Dearjackie Mon 12-Aug-13 11:38:14

ponygirl have a little tear in my eye reading your post. MN has been my saviour too for the last 9 days and one day I hope to pass on my advice and help to others

Yes, yes to lots of laughs god I need them im sure we all do.I haven't laughed much in the last few years actually. He has caused me more trouble and sorrow than the husband I'm currently going through divorce with. In fact we didn't find many of the same things funny and sometimes he seemed annoyed if I was happy and laughing!!!

ponygirlcurtis Mon 12-Aug-13 12:51:32

Jackie are you sure you've not been seeing my STBXH??? grin YY to him not liking the stuff I thought was funny. I enjoy the fact that I can now watch comedy shows all evening on TV if I want!

Dearjackie Mon 12-Aug-13 12:53:56

smile yes and actually being able to get my hands on the remote control is a bonus, and he didn't even live here full time!!!!!!

ponygirlcurtis Mon 12-Aug-13 13:08:34

Yep yep (yap). I gave up trying to get the remote and just let him watch his crap while I did endless sudoku and crossword puzzles. Being able to watch what I want is still a revelation!

This thread is not accepting new messages.