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Is this the right decision?

10 replies

HMQueen · 11/08/2013 00:24

I have posted before with a different name, but now older, wiser and sadder. I have been with DP for 20 years and have 2 DD at 8 and 2. DP has always been life and soul of the party type, but latterly has become depressed after a work related nightmare and drinking too much. The work issue was 3 years ago now, but he is still obsessed with it, however, says he is not depressed now. 2 years ago we nearly split up after I found some dubious texts on his mobile that was a non-physical (I truly believe) inappropriate emotional attachment. He improved his behaviour a lot in terms of helping with children and subsequently with my mother when she died last year and lived with us for the final 6 months of her life. In fact he was great during this. However, during the last 6 months he has spent every evening in the garage smoking and drinking, not talking to me and the final straw was when he decided to also limit his eating so that he now weighs about 55 kg and looks skeletal. But still drinking at least a bottle of wine a night and often more. And texting a lot with a code lock on his phone that I don't know. I spent the last 3 weeks driving to work in tears and then we had a major row and he agreed to move out. Over the last week we have had lots of talks and now there is a good flat nearby that would be good for him to rent. I feel like a weight lifted off me some days and very sad other days. Does anyone have any tips about how to keep moving forward with the separation without falling out? Also how to split house - we have big mortgage, but reasonable equity, and DCs would stay with me? Also as he is being so reasonable, am worried I am having some kind of midlife crisis (have seen a spoof eg on here somewhere) and am not making right decision.

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AllThreeWays · 11/08/2013 00:38

From what you have said. Yes you are making the right decision. It is hard some days yes, but as you said. a weight has lifted.
You cannot know what the future will hold, but you cannot live the life you have described. The stress and anxiety is not good for you or your children.
This may help him turn his life around, it may not, either way, it is no longer your issue and eventually you will be happy.
Stay strong.

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 11/08/2013 00:42

I don't know about the 'right' decision, I think you did the only thing you could do.

I am so sorry you (and he) are going through this, but there comes a time where you have to think of yourself and the kids.

Hopefully he can get some help.

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Absolutelylost · 11/08/2013 10:35

However, during the last 6 months he has spent every evening in the garage smoking and drinking, not talking to me... But still drinking at least a bottle of wine a night and often more. And texting a lot with a code lock on his phone that I don't know.

Are you actually me?! He's moved out but I found this behaviour so distressing.

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HMQueen · 11/08/2013 19:39

Thanks, Absolutely, I am not alone. How did it all pan out in your case? And why was he behaving like that? Is he sorted now?

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HMQueen · 11/08/2013 19:41

Chipping, I really hope he will get help, but his 'therapist' is more like a mate now and he really needs to find someone different. I think a real issue is he doesn't want to change and one if those reasons may be his unhappiness with me

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HMQueen · 11/08/2013 19:44

All3ways, one of the reasons I feel bad is abandoning someone who obviously needs help. But I can't do it as screaming at someone Just f*ing eat and stop being weird isn't terribly supportive. I have been very supportive in the past but I can't do it anymore

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Absolutelylost · 13/08/2013 03:35

He only moved out 4 weeks ago but further complicated by the fact he collapsed last week with a cardiac arrest. I think he is going through a huge mid life crisis and I can't do anything to help so I am getting on with my own life at the moment. Can't say I have totally given up hope but it's a relief not to have to deal with all that crappy behaviour.

Hope things work out for you.

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JassyAlconleigh · 13/08/2013 03:44

That sounds hell, hope you are looking after yourself properly, easier said than done I know.

Have you considered couples counselling? His sounds a bit ineffectual now, and it also sounds as though communication has totally broken down.

You've had a really horrible time recently; I think you both sound in terrible pain and could use a bit of outside guidance.

How are the DD coping?

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HMQueen · 13/08/2013 23:04

I went for some counselling because I was feeling so miserable, but it transpired most if not all miserableness, as I was talking - she didn't say it, was all due to my problems with DH. Counsellor said she could recommend someone really good for couples counselling, but a) I think too late and b) DH doesn't want to go. DCs unaware for now, but flat looking good so will broach with DD soon. Feeling more secure in decision, but guilty about DH as he's feeling unwanted.

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HMQueen · 15/08/2013 21:01

Hmmmm was feeling very sorry for him as he is feeling sad about it all, but he's now gone to meet his old secretary as her brother is ill, but involved full shower, shave and cologne - not something he's done for me for a while. Might be a relief if there was someone else, weirdly