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Ex has new girlfriend and now I think I want him back....

(21 Posts)
Chocberry Sat 10-Aug-13 18:53:14

So I left my ex of 13 years in March due to the fact he had 2 one night stands 7 and 10 years into relationship and other disrespectful behaviour.
He has since met a girl 10 years younger than me 1 month ago and I am really not coping well with this.
We have two children together and now I'm thinking I have made a mistake in leaving him. I miss him and I'm feeling resentful that he seems to be over me when he told me he loves me so much. I'm the one who left yet I'm sat at home with my dc crying while he is out having fun with this new girlfriend who is young and has no children.
I thought I had made the right decision in leaving although I still loved him loads but just couldn't get pass his infidelities or the way he had treated me. Now I'm stuck because he wouldn't want me back if I asked him now, so the tables have turned!
Am I normal in feeling this way? It's been 3 weeks since I found out about their relationship and I'm regretting leaving. It hasn't helped that my friends have told me they think I am crazy for leaving over a couple of mistakes he made. What is the best way of dealing with this now, I am close to phoning him but can't deal with the rejection. Arrgghh this is so shit!!
Sorry if this is jumbled, I'm all over the place at the moment...

Fairylea Sat 10-Aug-13 18:57:51

I don't think you really want him back. I think you're still grieving for what you think you had, which never really was.

You are also lonely. It's normal. (My ex husband left me after 7 years of marriage and went back to an ex he had before me. He upped and moved out in 3 weeks and never heard from him again leaving me to deal with 26k of debt and a distraught 5 year old).

You had good reasons for leaving. Hold on to them. Remind yourself.

Meet as many new people as you can.

I thought my life was over and 4 years on I am now happily remarried.

Stay strong x

tallwivglasses Sat 10-Aug-13 19:00:00

Yes, this is normal. You still have feelings for him. Thankfully you have enough self-esteem and wisdom to realise this man would happily continue screwing you over if you'd stayed with him. You got out! Well done. And if Miss 10-Years-Younger knows the truth about him she'll spend the relationship looking over her shoulder.

Give it time. A few weeks/months down the line when you too have someone sexy on your arm you'll laugh at yourself for ever regretting kicking ExH to the kerb.

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 10-Aug-13 19:00:24

you know you did the right thing, you are just having second thoughts now because the new relationship clarifies that things are permanently over now.

hardtohandle36 Sat 10-Aug-13 19:02:43

Hi
this is completely normal. I divorced my exh, loads wrong with the relationship, it killed me to do it, but I knew I had to. I felt strong, liberated etc also after 13 yrs. He met someone a yr ago (an older woman) and has today taken our son to visit his family with her. Hurts. It is because you may feel he has "really" gone now and there is no going back?
I am just trying to look after myself really and trying to make a plan for the future. Think you need to write down the reasons why you left and remind yourself of them.
sorry you are going through this too, but you made the decision based on how you were feeling at the time and it all happens for a reason i believe

lemonstartree Sat 10-Aug-13 19:09:02

a "couple of mistakes' ???

he fucking screwed other women TWO other women that you know about..
WHAT relationship exactly are you missing?

Honestly ?

you have done the hard bit; so he is shagging some poor deluded female m- so what. It doesn't alter the fact that he was not respectful enough to maintain a monogamous relationship with you - or end it before he shagged around.... you and the kids are worth more.. MUCH more

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 10-Aug-13 19:36:12

Your friends must have a higher pain threshold or lower self respect. If you only want him back because he's found himself a younger model, he won't have turned over a new leaf. If he turns you down you'll be hurt. If he agrees to get back with you, he'll think he can do what he likes because you'll always cling to him.

This gf is younger and the next might be younger still. When you have to compete with an OW you're paying him the compliment of fighting over him. Think very carefully, is he worth it?

You'll see him as your DCs grow up. There'll always be that bond because he's their dad. And maybe there'll always be a spark there. But he wasn't able to stay faithful and I bet you can do so much better than him.

JustinBsMum Sat 10-Aug-13 19:49:45

You are projecting your ideas onto him, this new gf might last 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 decades, you are assuming he is in love with her - where's the proof of that?? You assume he is over you, maybe he is grabbing the first girl who comes along to take his mind off you.

He is a selfish sod and you are well rid of him.

Being lonely is making him seem much more than he was. Take things slowly and sensibly and get out and about over the next few weeks and try to get yourself a life. You know the way forward is not to commit to someone else within days or weeks, take it slowly and have some fun.

professorgrommit Sat 10-Aug-13 20:07:28

Its natural to feel sad and lonely when an ex moves on from you and finds a new love. Someone you thought would love you for ever no longer does. But that's the reality of breaking up. If you really want him back you should tell him. Better to have loved and lost etc. I agree with your friends that a couple of one night stands in 13 years is minor although less than ideal but only you can say how much it mattered. So if you regret it make a play to get back together but think carefully if that's what it is or just feeling sad and alone with ds that's really over and he's moved on. If the latter work on moving on too.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 10-Aug-13 20:11:37

Who are these friends?? They don't sound like very good friends to me. He was an utter shit to you - you don't really want him back, you just want what you thought you had, which you didn't sad

You will meet someone else who will have more respect for you & you will have a nice life.

Step away from the phone!! Think of it this way...

<<<phone that way................(you choose)....................self respect that way >>>>>>>>>>>>

akaWisey Sat 10-Aug-13 23:54:06

You rock chips grin

SavoyCabbage Sun 11-Aug-13 00:00:29

It's not a little mistake to fuck someone. Your friends are doo-lally for telling you that.

You are sad about the relationship you could have had with him rather than the one you were really having I think.

wordyBird Sun 11-Aug-13 00:04:47

If one night stands and disrespectful behaviour are his thing, he won't change for Ms 10 Years Younger. Let her put up with it.
You can find someone better than that.

Chocberry Sun 11-Aug-13 09:19:02

Why is my mind only thinking of the good times in our relationship! I've wrote a list of the things I don't miss and the bad things he has done. But on a day to day basis I have to really think hard of these things. It's ridiculous.
Thank you all so much for your replies and you're right I am lonely. I've moved to a new area and don't know anyone. I am desperate for a cuddle and to feel ex's arms around me, but I know that isn't right and will prolong the hurt.
I haven't phoned him! Too scared of rejection and I know I'm not in his thoughts any more. I also have to add that one of the one night stands were when I was pregnant and had been quite ill through pregnancy, he also gave me a sti whilst pregnant. That was why I could not get over it, it killed me when I found out he had done that! My friends say he was young when he cheated and they were drunken mistakes, he was 25 with first one and 28 second time. We met when he was 17 and had our first child at 19 and apparently he's missed out on a lot.
I think I need some counselling, anyone know how to go about this? Also cheaper options.

kalidanger Sun 11-Aug-13 09:26:10

So glad you're feeling (slightly) better OP

My ex was a cocklodger, slapped me and harassed me so much after I dumped him that I had to involve the police. He's finally 'got the message' that I dont want him anymore and guess whose strong arms and kisses I want now blushhmmsadbiscuit Thank fuck he didn't respond to the drunken text I sent him wine

alwaysinamuckingfuddle Sun 11-Aug-13 09:33:45

Yes, this is normal.

BUT...

You don't want him back because he screwed two other women behind your back, do you?

Stay strong. You don't need this twat back in your life.

MoreThanWords Sun 11-Aug-13 09:39:35

Re (cheap) counselling - I'm accessing mine (free eight sessions) through the local Children's Centre - def worth a try.

lazarusb Sun 11-Aug-13 15:04:58

I think you need some new friends too. He missed out on a lot?! He was in his twenties when he chose to cheat on you!

He gave you an sti while pg...says everything you need to remember about what is bad about this idiot. You deserve a hundred times better. There are nice people out there who will value you and respect you.

AnyFucker Sun 11-Aug-13 15:09:23

I don't get it

The new gf is just what he has always done

He has had "new gf's" all the way through your relationship

The only thing that has changed is that you came to your senses and decided you were no longer going to tolerate it

Chocberry Sun 11-Aug-13 22:52:28

Thank you..... I love you all mumsnet flowers

guiltyfeeling Wed 28-Sep-16 19:46:34

Just found this message cos that's just how I feel at the moment... Split from the partner 2 years ago, after years of fruitless arguments and feeeling guilty about everything. Now i realise he might have been abusive in the relationship, but also think it might have been me who brought it out of him (well, so he said repeatedly).
He never wanted to leave the kids and our nice apartment and was very angry with me over the first year. In the second year of separation he calmed down a bit and even made some reconciliation moves. But it had taken me so much to split from him in the first place, so it felt like I just have a wall around me whenever he tried to approach me.
Anyway, he started seeing a mutual friend of us, a few months ago. And now I found out and when I saw them exchange THAT look - that partner look - my heart just broke down, and now I m just sitting here crying and rereading old email from when we still were together...
Please someone tell me that it will pass and to stay strong!

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