Tell me about your best and nicest friendships

[BrilliantName]

I am feeling at the moment that I must be rather a poor friend. I seem to have lost touch with some of the nicest people I know, and feel they don't want to reconnect very badly. In a couple of cases I know they are having a hard time and I've made attempts to listen and help, but I haven't done very well, judging by the reaction. We are all at a time of life where small children take over and people are bound up in work/life issues, but even so I can't seem to induce old friends to meet up for a coffee.

If you're thinking 'Well, you must be a right cow' then rest assured I feel that way about myself too. The trouble is I don't know what I'm doing wrong, or if it's them or me or life or what. (I don't repel everyone, though, I have a good network of acquaintances, it's my friendships I'm worried about.)

I thought, rather than go into individual scenarios, I'd ask about really good friendships you have and what you think makes them work.

[Hassled]

I really think so much is down to luck - meeting the right person at the right time, just clicking with them and knowing that you really like each other - and that being mutual. I don't have a big social circle, but I have a few very close friends, and the fact we've sustained our friendship over years is down to luck. It hasn't been an effort, IYSWIM.

I'm sure you're not a right cow, or you wouldn't be posting - you just haven't had that luck yet. You'll meet someone and instinctively like him/her and maintaining the friendship will seem easy.

[Treaguez]

My nicest friend lives abroad nowadays but we try to meet up once every couple of years, and then we talk talk talk endlessly (I lost my voice last time). I'm interested in her life and she's interested in mine, plus we have a shared history and other people to talk about who are interesting.

It's horrible when friendships fizzle out, but I think quite often it's not because of any one thing, there's a dive-and-take in any friendship which needs sustaining by both halves, and if one half has too much on then it falters.

[BrilliantName]

Hassled, I was wondering if I had just not clicked with the right people since moving here a few years ago. It's possible.
It's interesting that you both talk about it being mutual. I completely agree with that and am so sad that it has become very one-sided.

I thought all this sort of stuff was supposed to be clear in your forties, it's more of a mystery to me now than ever

[CailinDana]

My best friendships are ones that thrive on their own - they don't need life-support so to speak. What I mean is, I can not talk to certain friends for months or even years but when we get back in contact there is no effort to it, we just take up where we left off and there's no hard feelings. I think those relationships work because they're open and honest - I can tell them how I feel and vice versa. I know they're not harbouring grudges or thinking I'm a bad friend because they don't do that sort of shit, they're mature people who know how to use words to sort out difficult situations. If I feel a person is seething or unhappy with how I behave I make one attempt to talk about it and if that yields nothing then I let the friendship go. I can't be doing with people who are silently disappointed with me and won't talk about it. Life's too bloody short.

[luvmy4kids]

My best friends at the moment are the ones who've given our family food to keep us going whilst husband has stolen 1000s from the joint account and we're waiting for the legal system to find a way to get child maintenance out of my husband - no I qualify for no state aid, I'm paid but not until end of September which means I qualify for nothing whilst waiting and at the moment as the money I had has been stolen, I have no money, even though i should. Some of them don't even know me well but they have shown the most amazing kindness.

[JackyDanny]

I talk to everybody, I don't nurture individual relationships, I try to help everybody get to know each other, if people don't get back to me I assume they are busy...not that it's me!

When I have problems I'm a retreater too...

Try and widen your circle.
Get loads of numbers.

Some special friendships / confidences have developed over the years, but I still treat everyone equally.

[JackyDanny]

Oh, and I dont gossip only on MN

[BrilliantName]

Thanks, this is useful.

CailinDana I like your attitude to sorting it out and letting go if necessary.

[pinkstinks]

My best friend can tell just by looking at me how I'm feeling. For Xmas she made me a bad day box to keep for when I was having a horrendous day. I opened it recently and there was a card in it saying how great I was, some bubble bath and candles, a bar of chocolate and some other bits like face masks etc! It was perfect I had a little cry!! Also she will send me inspirational quotes and postcards!! I do the same for her although it is mostly me being down at the mo!!! I'm so lucky I met her at college and we have even friends for 7 years now :)

[Andro]

My best friend has been my best friend for over 25 years, we met at prep school and eventually ended up at the same boarding school. Her mother is more of a mother to me than my own is! She is the second person I call if I need help (first if DH is in the middle of the same problem as I am), the first person I call when I need an unbiased opinion. Basically she is the sister of my heart and I love her.

(and before anyone thinks that the above paragraph is selfish, it is almost entirely reciprocated - she won the mum jackpot, my mother liked her well enough but couldn't have cared less once we were away at school).

[ninah]

one close friend is amazing, I admire her so much. When I hurt my leg recently she took dc to school, kept them when I had hospital appts etc. She is passionate and exciting and always full of enthusiasm, whenever I get in a rut she gives me a new perspective. I don't know what I do in return, really. Not much! I have several close friends - I hate asking for help but with these friends it isn't so bad. They are my family and I love them! They do much more for me than I do for them. I have known most of them around five years.

[ninah]

my longest term friend I've known for 25 years, he is crap at keeping in touch and so am I, but whenever we do meet we have decent conversations and laugh a great deal

[PaulSmenis]

I have an amazing friend of about 25 years. We don't live near each other now, but we can go for months without talking. When we meet up our relationship is the same as always. We have been there for each other through good times and bad.

I have a few friends like this. We are all busy and are scattered all over the country now. I think this is the true measure of a friendship. You don't need to constantly be in touch. You know the other person is always there and that you can just pick up where you left off, even if it's been a few years.

You just instantly click with some people and that bond is always there. I think you enter the family zone after a while. You accept them warts and all and they will always be a part of your life.

[SilverOldie]

My best friend and I have known each other for 49 years this year. We don't see each other often because neither of us drive now but we speak on the telephone regularly.

We have supported each other through good times and bad and that will continue until one of us dies. She knows more about me than any other person, including my family and vice versa.

[Biscuitsareme]

I have several close friends from different stages of my life. My oldest friendship is 23 years this autumn- we met at secondary school. We go months without contact but have 2 long meet-ups a year and then we talk for hours. Another close friend lives just down the road from me and we pop in to each other's houses at least once a week and lend/borrow/ share stuff like books/dvds/garden tools etc, or just get together for a glass of wine & a chat in the evenings. One friend moved away and we have a weekly skype date. Those friends have been a lifeline when things were tough in the recent past. Then there are other friends I see about once a year but I just love and admire them, and the feel-good glow of having had a catch up with them can last for days.

I feel drawn to non-judgemental, slightly eccentric types and am happy to have chats with anyone really, as long as it's two-way and not people talking at me or putting up some tiresome facade.

To go back to the OP: IMO having young kids is the worst phase for friendships- no sleep, no time, interrupted conversations etc, sometimes low level undiagnosed depression...It may be that things will be better one or two years from now. Or that you'll meet new people you click more with. Not sure at all it's you doing anything wrong.