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Should he have come home?

(589 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

SpottyPony Sat 10-Aug-13 11:16:50

Long time lurker, first time poster. I have written this several times and not had the courage to post as I am feeling very down and sensitive but could use some intelligent insight, the sort that I have come to admire on MN.

The situation is that DH is working away abroad, has been for the last 7 weeks and not due to leave for another fortnight. On Wednesday our DS (6mo) fell ill and was referred to hospital from the doctors. He was admitted and fitted with an IV drip for fluids as he was dehydrated from severe D&V which later transpired to be gastroenteritis. Very listless and crying in pain, I was hugely worried about him. I don't live in the UK and have no family around for support. I called the relevant numbers to inform his seniors what was happening and to let DH know too. I received a phonecall to say DH has been informed and is being offered a flight back the next day to be home and support us and to hold out for further information. I did feel bad for interfering with his work commitments but needed support, and also out of respect for him as a parent and thought he should be there with us.

He refused the flight. A friend even offered him his flight and told him he would fly out another date and that DH should be at home with us. He said he "didn't want to" and that he had "things to do". Their main purpose of being out there has now ended and is merely tying up loose ends and preparing to return home. He asked about DS once during his first day in hospital, the second day I heard nothing and had to contact him to inform him of progress. I have now not heard from him since my last contact to him, we have been discharged today as DS is a lot better. DH's last communication with me was to inform me I was being a nag, to leave him alone as he was busy and has since deleted himself from the apps that we kept in contact with and I am unable to get through to his phone when I call. I should mention that where he is has a good nightlife and he has been out several times since getting there, so it appears he is having too good a time to come back and support his family.

AIBU for thinking his main priority should have been to get home to his poorly son and to support me too? I don't know whether I'm sounding whingey and needy. There is a backstory so as not to dripfeed - DH has been at home for just 5 weeks of DS's life as he's been away with work so frequently, but when home he doesn't interact with him unless forced, ignores him during the night (has gotten up once during the night and that's when I literally begged him and he did so with very bad temper) and will leave him in dirty nappies if I'm not there as he "didn't realise he needed changing". He has several younger siblings and has been around babies a lot. He says as I'm on maternity leave, it's my job to do everything associated with looking after a baby and that he shouldn't have to do anything. This includes any housework and cooking as he says that's my role now. When DS was born he had to stay in ICU for 11 days as he didn't breathe for some considerable time after a traumatic 26 hour induced labour (which DH went home for the most part as he was tired) and he visited him 3 times during those 11 days as he "doesn't do hospitals", so it's not as if this uncaring attitude is purely caused by his absence due to work and not bonding properly with DS as it appears he's never cared from day one.

This is something I am prepared to LTB for as it's the last straw really. This is probably the longest AIBU ever typed so if you are still reading, thank you so much for your time.

Soontobemama Sat 10-Aug-13 11:20:18

Why are you with this arse of a man?

notapizzaeater Sat 10-Aug-13 11:23:21

And you're still there because ?

Te coming me bit I could sort forgive IF he had been regularly checking in and making sure both of you where alright, I'd LTB.

Silverfoxballs Sat 10-Aug-13 11:23:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan49 Sat 10-Aug-13 11:23:47

I'm so sorry. He sounds horrible. I'd tell him not to come back ever.sad

Eyesunderarock Sat 10-Aug-13 11:24:43

I couldn't be with a partner like that, and I'm one of the very laid-back types who has a very relaxed set-up with my OH and often thinks that many posters are being needy and dependent.
But to not return when he could, to his baby in hospital? To not be there to support you both whilst your son was in ICU?
To appear not to care at all, in any way, and to accuse you of nagging? To cut himself off from being contacted?
So, this is my first ever LTB on MN.

MunchkinsMumof2 Sat 10-Aug-13 11:25:08

Wow, I feel very sorry for you spottypony your 'd'h has behaved appallingly since your ds was born. Did he not want children as he doesn't sound committed to fatherhood? I only have one experience of hospitalised dc and my dh got the first flight back and literally ran into HDU to see his very poorly son and I expected nothing less. I think you need to have a face to face conversation about your future together as it doesn't sound like you or ds are getting much from this man.
I hope you are ok, you could ask to have this moved to Relationships as there are some very wise and helpful posters over there.

gamerchick Sat 10-Aug-13 11:25:54

Well if it was me, just the hospital stuff I would probably deal with it myself.

Coupled with everything else I would dump the prick. What are you getting out of being with this man exactly? You're basically doing the single mother thing already, at least free yourself to find somebody else who can help you find some happy.

Binkyridesagain Sat 10-Aug-13 11:27:30

I think you've made your decision and you just want the backing from a few MNetters.

He also has made his decision and has told you in no uncertain terms what he thinks of you and his child.

Figgygal Sat 10-Aug-13 11:28:05

Did he want a baby or was he such an arse before too? Sounds like his work is his life and you're both inconveniences I'd tell him where to go and leave him to it. Arse!

ginmakesitallok Sat 10-Aug-13 11:28:28

Jesus! Am trying to imagine what I would do if dp didn't "want" to come home if one of our dc was in hospital. I just can't do it. Surely a parent would cross heaven and earth to get to a sick child. I'd tell him not to bother coming home at all.

YouStayClassySanDiego Sat 10-Aug-13 11:28:30

He won't fly home after his ds was in hospital.
He has cut off all means of contact.
He calls you a nag.
He went home during your traumatic labour.
He has been home a total of 5 weeks in your ds's life.

He's a massive cunt, do you have any family to support you?

MrsHelsBels74 Sat 10-Aug-13 11:32:03

He sounds like a selfish arse. You're basically a single parent already, I'd make it official. Your son deserves better.

dreamingbohemian Sat 10-Aug-13 11:34:11

His behaviour is totally unacceptable and yes I would leave him.

Get some legal advice ASAP to see if you can return to the UK without his permission.

SpottyPony Sat 10-Aug-13 11:34:37

Wow more responses already than I was expecting, apologies if I x-post as I type this. DS was a very much wanted baby by both of us, after 2 years of TTC and several miscarriages along the way. It appears that now DS is here he's realised it's not as idylic as he was hoping and is now doing his best to make us leave. We are posted abroad with his work, which I agree with a previous poster, is his priority it appears now. And yes I am mainly looking for support as my mind is almost 100% made up. We will be officially homeless when we leave - we will be moved into a refuge centre (my parents have stated that whilst they support me as much as they can, they simply couldn't house me and DS as they don't think it would work out...) I am about to sell my horse, sort out removals, everything which is breaking my heart. I agree I may move this to Relationships to get further support.

dreamingbohemian Sat 10-Aug-13 11:34:40

I mean, obviously, return to the UK with your child without his permission.

DoJo Sat 10-Aug-13 11:35:36

It sounds like you are already aware of the kind of person he is - do you want your son to grow up with this man as a role model? Do you want him to treat his future family like this? It sounds as though you just need the courage to leave him.

SirRaymondClench Sat 10-Aug-13 11:37:06


Leave the bastard.

brdgrl Sat 10-Aug-13 11:40:16

DD had the same thing happen when she was a year old. Now I look back on it and think yeah, I could have handled that on my own and I wouldn't expect DH to drop work...but at the time, it was very upsetting. Like you, I don't have family or a strong support network locally. So, if you were only posting to ask about this one incident, I'd say that I could understand you wanting DH there, but that it wasn't totally unreasonable of him to stay and finish work either.

BUT. The other stuff in your post? That's dreadful. To be blunt - he sounds like a lousy partner. You can do better on your own - you are already a single mum, as mrshelsbels says - but without your DH, you could actually enjoy that.

There are so many things in your post which would be deal-breakers for me. I hope you are OK.

KingRollo Sat 10-Aug-13 11:40:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DragonMamma Sat 10-Aug-13 11:40:32

He sounds like a waste of space and pathetic excuse for a husband and father.

Better to be alone than to put up with that shit.

InTheRedCorner Sat 10-Aug-13 11:44:08

Jesus, I would do everything possible not to be there when he returns with no further communication with him.

He would need to put a lot of effort into finding us that's for sure.

Get your thread moved to relationships, you will receive lovely support and information.

MunchkinsMumof2 Sat 10-Aug-13 11:45:18

Oh Spotty how heartbraking for you. Do you have any other family or friends who could house you until you get back on your feet? I know I would hate for a friend to be in your position and would be very willing to help out. Can you come home without his permission? Sorry for lots of questions but I'm sure there are Mnetters who would help if they can, me included flowers

SpottyPony Sat 10-Aug-13 11:46:12

KingRollo yes we are in Europe, yes DS has a passport so physically we can leave. Mentally that is what I am gearing myself up towards, brdgrl that's very true, I feel like a single parent already but think it would be best if I actually was one, and took pride in the fact that I was giving DS the best life I could without a terrible role model in his life who makes me so unhappy with his actions. Thanks to all that have posted.

SpottyPony Sat 10-Aug-13 11:49:27

Munchkins very kind thank you. Unfortunately I don't have anyone else that could assist with housing, but at the refuge centre they assist with council housing applications and getting you back into the area you are originally from and on your feet again so it would be hard at first, but better in the long run (these are all services that the armed forces offer when wives are leaving broken down marriages) and yes I can come home without his permission, I think a previous poster mentioned permission but it's not something that would be a problem for me.

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