What to do...

[gemma1787]

Hi ladies,

I am hoping that you may be able to give me some advice. I have just found out that my partner of 10 years is cheating on me. I have had my suspicions for a while. He has been receiving messages from women on his phone, but when I confront him about who is messaging him he says it is a work colleague. He wouldn't let me read the messages and is accusing me of being paranoid.

However, yesterday whilst using his laptop for work, an email notification popped up on the screen. It was from an online dating site with a response from a message he has sent to another women about meeting up. I followed the links and discovered that my OH has been using dating sites for the last couple of months. I then looked at his mailbox and found hotel bookings and credit cards that had been taken out (presumably for these hotel bookings).

In the last couple of months he has been going out more often and staying out, but he assured me that it was a works do and he was staying with friends. He has even had the barefaced cheek to get in a mood with me and accuse me of being paranoid.

I do not want to be with him anymore, but we have a 15 month old daughter, so I am thinking about how this is going to affect her. I have not yet confronted him about this, as I don't know what I want to do. I have nowhere else to go for a couple of weeks as family are all on holiday, so I need to be able to stay in my own house. I can't kick him out as the house is in his name and not mine. I am trying to remain civil with him and not show that anything is wrong until I can pluck up the courage to say something.

[Tigglettchic]

Oh you poor thing. What a crap start to the weekend.

In my opinion, if you want to end it, you should, there are ways of you dc still having a relationship with their father which would be 100 times better than their parents staying together for the child and tensions being high.

Do you think you could make a plan with a friend and your family, when they are back. Have a friend or family member then care for you dc whilst you confront him. If you can get the evidence i.e e-mails etc then it sounds like it would be worth it, especially if he gets nasty during a custody battle.

Until you can move out, try to plan nice things for you and dc, get out as much as possible and remember, it's not your fault.

Good luck x

[gemma1787]

Thank-you for your replies.
I have already started to look and plan for me and my DD. I am trying to get everything I need together but gathering all the 'evidence' is just horrible. I feel sick at everything I am reading and the sheer number of people he has been with.

What is getting me more upset is that I have been working my arse off for the last year to help us to stay afloat, because DH got laid off at work. I have been working two jobs from home and going out to work every morning. He has made little attempt to get a full time job and it now seems my hard earned money has gone towards feeding his sordid affairs.

[Distrustinggirlnow]

Oh Gemma am so sorry to read this. I have been in a similar place to you so I know just how you feel.

You've received good advice upthread but just to add some more...

Go back into the emails if u can and forward everything to yourself. Put in separate folder then delete from his sent mail and clear from deleted folder too. Change your email password.

When you do confront him he will deny everything and then delete everything (hence why u need copies, not to read necessarily, but just so u know u really aren't imagining it all).

He will then attempt to minimise, he only chatted, he only met one person and then the classic, he met one person but couldn't ' manage it' yeah right.....

I really feel for you as it sounds like you've been working hard and he's used family money to fund this behaviour.

I'm not usually one to say LTB as only you know what you feel your relationship can come back from. I doubt many could come back from this.

Get some legal advice too.

[Jolleigh]

My mum ignored the fact that my dad was doing similar things for many many years because of the affect it may have had on me and my brother.

We both ended up catching him out ourselves on separate occasions in our more nosey teen years.

He's obviously not very careful about making sure he's not caught. If you end it while she's young then she won't have to go through what I did.

On top of that, your self respect won't plummet like my mum's did.