I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
MNHQ have commented on this thread
Relationships
Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.
cazakstan · 08/08/2013 20:58
You can't change her, you can only protect yourself. Just because you and she are mother and daughter doesn't mean you have to like each other, just as siblings don't have to like each other. My mother and my grandmother never did, though they did manage a measure of mutual respect and tolerance in their later years.
It sounds as if she is taking advantage of you - she wants you to do things for her but isn't prepared to behave like a civilised human being. So you need to stop pandering to her and limit contact to polite but formal. It will hurt, but will that be any worse than allowing her to hurt you on a daily basis?
My eldest ds is like this. Very judgemental, very set on what he thinks is right and wrong. He thinks that I have made terrible choices in my life, as we are money poor, no house, we rent from the Council etc etc. He is now degree educated and will enter his chosen field at the top of his profession.
What he doesn't realise, and will never know is that I come from a background so far removed from what I have provided for him that he has no idea that it exists. I protected all of my DC's from the upbringing that I had (drunkenness, physical, sexual and emotional DV, debt, hunger, criminality, mental abuse, abuse for being wanting something better)
I rose from being a bastard child, in a hostel for homeless families when me and DH first married, thanks Maggie and the exorbitant rates that stopped us getting a first home before my DM kicked us out, (I was called The Bastard in my GP's Church in 1968) to having a home, a good job, a degree, a husband of 25 years, who I am still with, and I have pride in what I have achieved, which unfortunately seems to have passed him by.
God, I wish he knew some of the dregs of the family that I knew. 
Have you always had a better relationship with your youngest? It is extremely hurtful to be on the wrong end of favouritism, no matter your age, and your eldest's confrontational attitude with her sister sounds like she is insecure and jealous.
I have to agree with Partridge I'm afraid, there is something about your posts which comes across as righteousness, why can't she see all her achievements are down to you, why can't she be as perfect as your other daughter etc. you may not have vocalised these things but she will have picked up on them.
You hung up on her when she asked you to talk to her properly after you had sworn at her and accused her of being nasty and made her feel as though you had ordered her out of her home. You don't like her, she obviously knows this, she is protecting herself by building an emotional barrier.
What does your Mum think of the whole situation?
I feel really sad for her it sounds like you've given up on her. Counselling would be a fantastic idea, either individually or together.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.