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Really need some help

(110 Posts)
Brokemyself Tue 06-Aug-13 21:44:58

Hello, I'm pregnant with DC3 and after a long rough patch which seemed to be getting better we had a huge row and'D' P has just stormed out again. God knows where he has gone this time. Our relationship became a mess during my pregnancy with DC2 as he can't handle my pregnancy mood swings and shuts down when in fact I need support emotionally the most so any emotional withdrawal makes me feel even more alone than I already am. Apologies if this is rather incoherent as I'm crying my eyes out in frustration and hurt having been walked out on for the umpteenth time! I can't talk to anyone as we have become that nightmare couple that argue all the time in fact I've lost friends over our ups and downs but we are trying to stick it out as we I guess hope things will go back to some kind of normal relationship. We have both become by nasty and disrespectful in some instances and its hard to some back from that well it seems like its hard to come back from that in light of what is happening now. I can't forgive him for past indiscretions (no affairs, or so he says) but boundary breaking and line crossing. Walking out is his favourite hurtful trick and he has promised not to do but once again here we are.
I'm so upset and so uncertain about our family's future. Where the fuck has he gone this time damnit!

wordyBird Mon 12-Aug-13 10:12:45

onefewernow, thank you thanks

Broke your previous counsellor comes across as an untrained amateur. As if she had no idea what she was doing. Very bad indeed.
The next one will surely be better (check qualifications if you can)...

Sorry to say your P is unlikely to mature or change into anything different. Chances are he will just get older.sad

wordyBird Mon 12-Aug-13 10:31:25

...and PS! Hope you feel better this week. Keep asking for help, you will get there brew

Brokemyself Tue 13-Aug-13 20:54:43


Yes in hindsight she was a complete arsehole. I'm still hoping DP and I can work together and get through this. He feels he has compromised everything for me and gets nothing in return. He may be right as I've grown to despise him so much recently. I'm really pissed off with him recently because of what I've realised and am quite cold probably. He won't let me explain my position on anything which is a pain in the arse more than anything as I just refuse to get upset after listening to what people have told me on here. So some good advice, thank you!

Maybe I am a horrible and rude but it didn't happen over night, that's for sure.

garlicagain Wed 14-Aug-13 00:46:12

Keep that Jeremy Paxman with you! Carry on posting, Broke, as much and as often as you want smile

garlicagain Wed 14-Aug-13 00:46:53

thanks from me, too, Onefewernow.

Brokemyself Sat 17-Aug-13 21:26:56

Feeling really down tonight.

Things have been better than ever this week. I was quite ill and maybe this was why he was being nice but anyway we had a huge row tonight as I feel he did something which undermines the entire week and all the progress we had made. It's one of this things we argues about the last time he walked out. I didn't deal with it too well and ended up telling him how disgusted I am hed be so disrespectful and that he is in fact abusive. He of course told me in crazy. He's been drinking so I am sort of staying away as it bound to end in him exploding if I keep insisting he understand how upset I am. He thinks he has done nothing wrong of course and rejects the notion he has behaved in anyway which is direspectful. I've been sobbing like a baby for the last hour. Hormones partly I'm sure. He did make dinner bit has been out all day so no help otherwise. Uggghh. Sorry to whinge but I feel completely ruined emotionally as it's a huge set back.
I feel ashamed I spilling everything online too as it all seems like such a sorry situation. LTB isn't a option right. It's the old adage too the when things are good they're great but when they're bad they are awful...
I really could do with some advice on how to manage this situation if anybody has any.
I've spoken to WA btw but just briefly.

Brokemyself Sat 17-Aug-13 21:28:04

Sorry for typos, stupid fat fingers!

garlicagain Sat 17-Aug-13 23:08:26

Oh, darling, PLEASE stop putting yourself down! Whenever you find yourself thinking of yourself as 'whingeing' and 'fat fingered' and 'pathetic' and all the rest it, just answer yourself right back. You are not whining, you're hurt and upset. It's OK to cry and feel sad. You're not fat-fingered, fgs, everyone makes typos. You're okay. Really, you're an okay person smile

I can tell you this is just a cycle of abuse, not a nursery rhyme about "when it's good, it's very very good, but when it's bad, it's horrid." It's a cycle and it is abusive. It hurts you by taking advantage of your love. I can tell you it's not possible to manage an abuser, unless you want to become more like sworn enemies than partners.

But you won't hear me, will you, because you're not ready to. No problem. Just keep posting - it will help clear your head.

Hope tomorrow turns out nice for you.

wordyBird Mon 19-Aug-13 19:16:25

I hope you're feeling better when you read this, Broke.

Garlic is right about the cycle of abuse. When you think it's all ok now, you're making progress, he 'gets it' and you're moving forward - boom. Back where you were. Very, very demoralising.

However, good for you for contacting WA - another big step forward.

If you're staying in the relationship at present, keep finding ways to increase your confidence and power. For example, build up a fund of money somehow, however small; find out your financial options if you do split up; email or call WA again; talk to someone in RL about how you feel, even if it's only your GP.

And tell yourself you're doing brilliantly.
Step by step..

Solari Mon 19-Aug-13 20:29:46

One thing I was told in the throes of an abusive relationship (and feeling very negative about myself), was to never say anything to myself in my head that I wouldn't say to my own daughter.

So things like "whinging" or "fat-fingered" go right out the window. And the person who told me that was absolutely right. When I started being kinder to myself in my head, and more supportive to myself , I found a lot more strength to deal with whatever was happening outside.

You are a person in your own right. What you think matters. What you feel matters. It doesn't make you any less of a person for feeling tired, worn-down, angry, resentful... or whatever you might be be feeling at any one time. Its just human.

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