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Really need some help(110 Posts)
Hello, I'm pregnant with DC3 and after a long rough patch which seemed to be getting better we had a huge row and'D' P has just stormed out again. God knows where he has gone this time. Our relationship became a mess during my pregnancy with DC2 as he can't handle my pregnancy mood swings and shuts down when in fact I need support emotionally the most so any emotional withdrawal makes me feel even more alone than I already am. Apologies if this is rather incoherent as I'm crying my eyes out in frustration and hurt having been walked out on for the umpteenth time! I can't talk to anyone as we have become that nightmare couple that argue all the time in fact I've lost friends over our ups and downs but we are trying to stick it out as we I guess hope things will go back to some kind of normal relationship. We have both become by nasty and disrespectful in some instances and its hard to some back from that well it seems like its hard to come back from that in light of what is happening now. I can't forgive him for past indiscretions (no affairs, or so he says) but boundary breaking and line crossing. Walking out is his favourite hurtful trick and he has promised not to do but once again here we are.
I'm so upset and so uncertain about our family's future. Where the fuck has he gone this time damnit!
I'd use this time to think carefully about the relationship and less about where he is.
When he left, were the children in bed already?
What are your mood swings? Tearful? Angry? Quiet?
I had off the scale ante/postnatal depression with Dc2 due to zero support/hormones etc and its spilling over to this pregnancy. His crappy behaiour and minimising his shittiness towards me dosnt help. This isn't a poor me pity party saying this either as I'm not usually prone to falling apart. I can be a total b*tch when feeling threatened in our relationship but so can he!
Both in bed but older one was awake and knows he has stormed out. Not ideal in any way I know. I can't make him care or understand which is what I can't cope with.
What do you mean feeling threatened?
What is his shitty behaviour?
Yep, in the beginning of our relationship he was a nightmare, all over the place and really immature but after our baby was born he became the devoted father. He is a great dad and I can't fault him on that however his lack of empathy and compassion unless I am being well behaved in a sense and not stressing him out all hell breaks loose. I'm quite hormonal during pregnancy and usually pretty relaxed when not and he can't cope with any drama.
I was naively under the impression this was a team effort and not just me complying all the time and behaving and responding the way I'm told to. Yes I can be very controlling and my excuse is self preservation, I've yet to hear his. We have a massive rift and have had for some time and because of the PND a few weeks ago I lost the plot entirely. As I said I thought we were getting back on track but I'm starting to realise that's only when I'm being behaving! It's a nightmare at the moment if I'm honest and I don't see a way forward with or without him.
Lweji there is a lot of emotional abuse going on from both sides. He just can't see it. I am great at over analysing, where he has never questioned his behaviour in the slightest
What do people in RL say?
Under emotional abuse, we can behave as if we were abusers too.
I do wonder.
So what would happen if you said you have had enough and want to separate?
I understand completely. I could have written this post myself except I only have one child and my ups and downs come from BPD :/. My SO threatens to leave every time we argue, has left for a day or two sometimes and walks out a lot and just drives off. I absolutely hate it. Every time he tells me "well I could just leave" I just want to tell him 'bye' but I don't want to break up our family.
WE have also become that nightmare couple that just argue everywhere. Everything is an argument no matter who we're around or where we are. People have stopped asking us round cause they don't want to listen and absolutely no one wants to hear about it so no advice is given lol.
the only advice I can offer is something I haven't been taking myself. sit him down, make him listen to you and if he tries to walk away from you, let him. Tell him you need someone mature enough to help you instead of hinder you because with three DC you need support, not constantly wondering if this is going to be the time he walks out for good.
Lweji Not much really just they want me to be happy etc I don't go into too much detail as I find it hard to talk mostly.
I've never heard that about emotional abuse, could you tell me a bit more please so I can try an understand what's happening in my situation. I feel like we are both driving each other crazy for very different reasons.
Snazzy been there done that, he just says fine if that's what you want. We are all masters at idle threats around here.
Firebomb, poor you. I like to think he is being mature in diffusing a potentially volatile situation and but in reality he knows the very fact that he can just leave, leaves me at a disadvantage and is really saying this is why you need me to be here as you can't cope. This is also my crazy pregnant brain in over drive. I have a few more theories and all of them as irrational. I guess he just wants to avoid conflict, ie deal with any issues.
Also Firebomb, I've tried to sit down and talk but he gets annoyed if he doesn't hear what he likes and just repeats what I say as in I will say this upsets me and his reply with be oh but you do the same or you do this. It makes me want to tear my hair out. I've never had any sort of mental health issues (there I said it) previously so to be so out of control during pregnancy is terrifying in itself. For me it's a lack of support and understanding but I'm apparently being unreasonable in this. Fair enough I can sound like a mad woman sometimes but I'm allowed my point of view and I'm entitled to feel the way I do irrespective of what he thinks. I like to think I'm fairly strong minded generally but the walking out as I'm sure you know is devastating. I haven't learned to not give a fuck yet!
This is no atmosphere for your Dc's to be living in especially as the older one was awake during the argument. I eel quite sorry for them.
You both need to get this sorted-or split before the DC's are damaged by all the drama
I relate to your wanting to tear my hair out.
I'd get to be a screaming banshee, which I don't to people. This after years with a man who wouldn't let go. He'd question and question, of claim black was white.
You lose it and you blame yourself.
Pregnancy is a particularly bad time. When we are at our most vulnerable, and yes, less emotionally stable.
It doesn't sound like you can be yourself around him.
And he leaves, with you holding the children, and wondering about it.
Does he ever apologise?
Doha I agree. We tried Relate, it was terrible. The therapist couldn't get anyone's name right, visibly cringed at mentions of babies and basically said she felt sorry for DP having to deal with, her words 'a mad woman'. Madness was due to DNP, she just like the phrase instead of actually saying PND. Anyway I digress. Any ideas on where to start to get our proverbial together then?
Lweji, I don't think he can spell sorry let alone say it. He claims he never does anything wrong so what does he have to apologise for! I have lists of his perceived indiscretions. While I'm almost certain he has remained faithful he has crossed many boundaries one too many times for me to pander to his lip service. So it's a stand off I guess. He thinks he offers olive branches, I think I let him get away with murder if I 'just let things go for god sakes woman, I do all the time'
Where are you going to draw the line?
You need to have one to yourself and stick to it, even if it hurts like hell and it feels like you are carrying a tone in weight.
For your sake, and the children's.
Even for the unborn.
I can be horrible too, it's both of us. I know that may sound like an excuse but we want a family together however the combination of past hurts by him and my crazy hormones are making me lose all perspective and incapable of controlling what I say. I pretty much just say what I'm thinking even if its not particularly nice and that in turns sends him into a furious rage.
I don't know where to draw the line which is part of the problem. I have everything invested in this relationship and couldn't cope on my own at the moment. I'm not just saying that either!
Why shouldn't you say what you are thinking?
Do you call him names? Do you swear?
What kind of furious rage?
You can't make a relationship work on your own, and if you don't like the way you are around him, maybe it's wrong.
You don't have to leave now, but confronted with you leaving, perhaps he'll find the urge to change properly, if he can at all.
And if the best thing for you is to leave, then you can make it work. Seriously.
You just need to seek help and ways to do it.
"and if you don't like the way you are around him, maybe it's wrong."
I mean, the relationship is wrong, not that you are wrong.
The name calling and swearing precedent was set when he told me to fuck off in front of the eldest child. So now there are no holds barred.
Recently though we have started to get back on track but tonight it's all fallen apart again and I'm terrified of going back to the place we were a few months ago. I quite literally wanted to disappear from my life on more than one occasion, luckily, once the dust has settled I get over it and try and carry on but the adage has already been done.
I have a bit of an issue trusting him as he has lied quite frequently in the past, the usual excuse of 'oh I didn't want to get into an argument'. As we all know this really doesn't work.
I'm ok with believing he is being honest when I'm feeling rational and like we have some sort of connection but dues to the general everyday stress of newborns and significant other situations happening that connection isn't felt very often and that's when I think I lose all perspective.
I don't think it's surprising you have PND or any sort of depression.
Personally, I felt much calmer when I gave up emotionally on the marriage.
At some point it made no difference if he lied.
Maybe consider calling Women's Aid for advice? They may be able to help you see a way out of this.
He isn't physically abusive or anything though...
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