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Advice please - Ex has ds and won't let me call

(72 Posts)
99problems Sat 03-Aug-13 21:05:42

Ds is 5, he's staying with his da until fri, he's been there since wednesday (ex wanted him for 10 days in summer, usually sees him for a weekend once a month).

Me and ex had an argument on Thursday and since then he is ignoring my calls/texts asking to speak to my ds. Solicitors agreement details he has to phone me once an evening when ds is there to let me know how he is/let me speak with ds. This is the first time over the years that he has done this and I just want to talk to ds and make sure he's ok. He's 4 hours away. What should I do?

CinnabarRed Sat 03-Aug-13 21:14:23

Do you think DS is at risk of harm?

I've no experience in this area, but didn't want to leave you unanswered.

If you're comfortable that DS is safe, irrespective of the row between Ex and you, then I would try my level best to ignore his pathetic game playing - for now. Once DS is safely home I would then get legal advice. And make sure I documented my attempts to get in touch - email and text, not voicemail.

If you think DS is at risk, even if only of pining for you, then I'd be onto my solicitor first thing Monday morning. Or, worst case scenario, the police.


HeySoulSister Sat 03-Aug-13 21:17:46

Text him and say let's start again, you are sorry. You'll have to bow down to get a result here I think

HeySoulSister Sat 03-Aug-13 21:20:10

Don't think a solicitors agreement is legally binding, so police won't have a court order to look at

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 03-Aug-13 21:23:31

I think I would send him a text, reminding him that he is breaking the terms of the agreement and that if he doesn't call as per the agreement, then you will be going to your solicitor on Monday morning.

Bow down to him - not a fucking chance.

99problems Sat 03-Aug-13 21:35:04

I'm just worried about pissing him off whilst he's got ds, I desperately want to speak to him and I know he'll be wanting to speak to me. He's ignored every text and call. Solicitor's agreement isn't legally binding

Locketjuice Sat 03-Aug-13 21:39:13

Could you not drive over? If you then get no response call the police?

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 03-Aug-13 21:45:30

Locket - 'Drive over'? They're 4 hours away!

Why are you worried about pissing him off while he has DS? What do you think he might do?

What did you argue about?

99problems Sat 03-Aug-13 21:45:46

It's a 4 hour drive, and I'm not even sure if he's staying with his parents or girlfriend (don't know where his girlfriend lives). I was considering police but don't know if that would seem massively over-reacting/if the police could even do anything when ds isn't at risk as such.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 03-Aug-13 21:48:21

It really isn't a 'call the police' situation.

Why don't you call his parents? I'd do that and say 'We have an agreement that I speak to DS everynight when your DS has him, I haven't heard from him since 'whenever' and if I can't speak to DS first thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to have to call the police to check on him and return him to me'

HeySoulSister Sat 03-Aug-13 21:49:05

The police could do what? He's broken no law and you have no safety concerns

Your best bet is to appeal to his better nature.

HeySoulSister Sat 03-Aug-13 21:49:32

But your ds will be asleep by now I guess

Locketjuice Sat 03-Aug-13 21:51:15

Well yeah drive over.. If I was worried about my ds and couldn't contact anyone since Thursday I would drive 4 hours.. I understand its a long way and a lot of fuel etc but if it puts your mind at rest then I really would.

Failing that, I would call the police as its now Saturday and you usually hear from them everyday, I'm sure the police have had many of calls relating to the same/similar issues, and it will at least show dp your not up to pissing around with his silly games he's playing with your child!

Locketjuice Sat 03-Aug-13 21:53:11

And the agreement is that she speaks to him everynight he's not sticking to that and she has no idea where her child is.. I would say its a police matter, what harm can a call to non emergency number make to have it noted and them decide if its a police matter?!

LiveItUp Sat 03-Aug-13 21:57:08

10 days away? No way would I agree to his no contact. He is using your DS as a means of getting to you. Personally, I would call the non-urgent police line and ask their advice. It is not in the best interests of a 5 year old to withhold them from you. I would do all you can, with their help, to get him home. You let your DS go to his Dad in good faith, and he has abused that.

Oodelaranana Sat 03-Aug-13 21:57:51

It's mean if your ex but if you don't feel he is in danger then really the police have better things to do with their time. I know of someone who called the police because the DCs weren't returned on time according to an actual contact order. She got massively told off by the judge (they were mid contact case) for wasting the police's time when she did not think they were in danger.

HeySoulSister Sat 03-Aug-13 22:03:50

Well the police can't do anything

He's with his parent.... Who has (presumably) parental responsibility

There's no court order

He's not in danger

99problems Sat 03-Aug-13 22:03:57

He's just text me saying 'you have the right to know ds is ok and sorry if I worried you. I do not wish to talk to you on the phone and if you call me I will ignore it. I will drop him off as planned and if you're not home I will bring him back here and you'll have to get him'. I replied saying I wanted to speak to ds tomorrow as per our agreement but he's ignored it.

Regarding calling his parents - his mum 'doesn't want to get involved' and said a while ago not to bring her into our battles.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 03-Aug-13 22:30:58

He's being a total dick. I would play nice until you get DS back then read the riot act. I'm not sure I would let my XH take DS anywhere ever again if he ever pulled a stunt like that on me.

99problems Sat 03-Aug-13 22:32:28

EhricLovesTeamQhuay - that's how I feel right now, I cannot wait to get ds back. Just not sure how to go forward when he's home

PumpUpMyVolume Sat 03-Aug-13 22:44:35

99 - that text sounds like something my H would send, has sent proper chills! Not 'out and out' mean but vicious, nonetheless!

I guess the main thing is he has said he is bringing him back which would be my main worry but could you log it on the non-emergency police line just so there is a record somewhere?

Will you still be maintaining the weekend contact, do you think?

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 03-Aug-13 22:46:26

Text him back saying 'I do not wish to speak to you, I wish to speak to DS as per our agreement, please ensure you put the call through to me tomorrow morning'.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 03-Aug-13 22:47:21

After this, he would not be having unsupervised contact again... not until he took me to court and made it completely unavoidable.

Mips Sat 03-Aug-13 22:48:05

You have a right to know where your DC is, particularly if your ex is going to drag him to an unknown address at his gf's. If the agreement is that you are allowed to speak with him, then a time has to be agreed for you to do so. As he gets older he can have his own mobile but currently the responsibility lies with the father. He doesnt even have to speak to you, only ypu DC. What a dick he is!

99problems Sat 03-Aug-13 22:54:55

I did reply saying exactly that Chipping, he hasn't replied and I don't think he will. I'm not sure what to do about the weekend contact after this, it's scared me that he has made it so I cannot speak to ds when I know he'll want to talk to me. I have never, ever stopped him from contacting ds - not that he bothers much anyway. I can't believe he's doing it!

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