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Massive row feel like I've been battered

(454 Posts)
Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:05:16

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

waltermittymissus Sat 03-Aug-13 21:45:38

but surely to god you don't treat people you love like that

And there you have it. Abusers have a very skewed view of what it is to love someone.

He's a prick. His sister possibly could have been making innocent chit chat but, from experience with dh's arsehole family, it was said to shit stir.

Do you want to spend your whole life like this?

He's given you a way out on a platter. PLEASE take it.

Lottapianos Sat 03-Aug-13 21:46:35

'Why such a jeckell and Hyde?'

Typical abusive behaviour OP. Its like 'come closer so I can hurt you even more next time'. It messes with your head because it's designed to. Stay away from this - you deserve so much better.

Sending you strength thanks

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 21:48:24

It's as though I had no right at all to be annoyed by what his sister said. His first response was " I don't know why she said it" then apparently I was blaming him for something she said! I told him all I wanted was for him to show he understood how it made me feel. He snapped that he did and how did I think HE felt knowing that I'd be annoyed

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 21:51:16

miss strawberry obviously I don't love myself then I've had my mind totally messed with

Lottapianos Sat 03-Aug-13 21:54:02

You're never allowed to have your own feelings when you're around emotionally abusive people. You're always wrong unless your'e doing what you're told. And it's never their fault. Ever.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 22:00:19

I don't think it's the case that I don't love myself. It's not just people with low self esteem who don't think they are worth much that find themselves in an abusive relationship is it?

I actually do think I'm an ok person but I might have been feeling vulnerable due to marriage breakdown and I bit naive after 20 yr marriage with a " nice" man. God knows why I've let it carry on so long though. Maybe it's because he was so persuasive and manipulative and I'm too ' nice'. I know that is one of my faults

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 22:08:55

I find it hard to believe he didn't love me. I'm not making excuses in any way but he did so much for me and bought me thoughtful little things. Then something like this happens and I think where the hell did that come from? Why did it have to go that far? It needn't really even have been an argument

Lottapianos Sat 03-Aug-13 22:11:00

OP, please don't start beating yourself up about this. He is the one who has behaved appallingly. Whatever state your self-esteem is in, you have done absolutely nothing to deserve how he has treated you

Nothing wrong with being vulnerable and naive by the way. If you're a kind, gentle and forgiving person, you are most likely a wonderful friend and someone who lots of people value very highly. Please try to spend some time around people who really do love you and make you feel good about yourself.

The next few days will be tough and he may well be pressuring you to get back with him. Hold on tight and I guarantee that within no time at all you will feel like you have been released from prison! You will feel free to be yourself without someone constantly criticising you and making you feel like you need to walk on eggshells.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 22:15:10

I suppose I'm just trying to get my head around why it had to end up going to that extreme tonight. I just don't understand his logic or where he's coming from

cozietoesie Sat 03-Aug-13 22:18:07


Sometimes, people will buy others 'thoughtful little things' or do something nice just as a massage for their own ego. (They can sit back and preen about how wonderful they are, rather than think of the enjoyment of the other person.) Just thought I'd say.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 22:18:33

Apparently he always puts me first and does everything for me. He never values what I do for him. He has nowhere he can take his children to stay and I don't mind them coming to mine to stay so he can have them overnight and he treats me like this. They were due to come soon

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 22:19:54

cozie I think you may be right

NorksAreMessy Sat 03-Aug-13 22:22:42

dearjackie please stay strong and dignified.
This man is not good enough for you.

£400 is a good price to pay for a 'divorce' from him, every time you think of it, it will help you to Realise what a horrible man he is. We will support you through all of this, and help you not to let him worm his way back in.

He is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for you.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 22:28:11

WHY don't I see that then? Well I kind of see it but then there's another side of me that thinks of his good side

Lottapianos Sat 03-Aug-13 22:32:52

It's not like flicking a switch OP - those feelings you had for him won't just get turned off by magic. It's normal to feel very wobbly about this situation. But this is not the time for thinking of him, this is for thinking of you. You need to protect yourself here.

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 03-Aug-13 22:40:59

Jackie is the house yours? If so get the locks changed tomorrow so you don't feel he can walk in again, small thing but it gives you control.

Sorry for misunderstanding, but are YOU still married too?

celestialbows Sat 03-Aug-13 22:43:21

Don't twist yourself up trying to work out why he is the way he is otherwise you can end up making excuses for his behaviour and getting back into the same shit again.
Like someone else wrote he does nice things for his own benefit, to look good and to keep you believing that he loves you and ensuring that you stay confused and vulnerable. Let him go and free yourself.

NorksAreMessy Sat 03-Aug-13 22:52:25

jackie it's the hope sad
The hope keeps you going back

You hope he will change
You hope he will be lovely
You hope he won't shout any more
You hope tou will live happily ever after
You hope he will be as nice as he can be all the time

Stay strong and dignified and think about how he STOLE your money. That is the real person. The man who shouts at you, humiliates you, storms out and mistreats you. That is who he really is.

queenofthepirates Sat 03-Aug-13 22:55:22

I work for a travel company and get the occasional call from someone who's broken up with their partner. As long as they ask nicely and your departure date isn't soon, we tend to refund or at least try to give you something back. Give it a go.

Sallyingforth Sat 03-Aug-13 23:07:57

OP what happened today is that he has dropped the mask and shown you his real self. The sad news is that he is not the man you previously thought he was. The good news is that you have found out before there were any stronger ties between you. You can now lift your head and walk away from him with your dignity intact. Good luck!

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 23:10:48

miss marples the house is mine he eventually came back to give me the key after refusing at first. My decree nisi is through but have solicitor sorting out pension very stressful.

* queen* I will try and ring them tomorrow but don't hold out much hope as they made an agreement and let me pay only the deposit when I should have been paying the full amount

It wouldn't surprise me if he contacts me again I am worn down by this. Does he not know what a normal decent relationship is

waltermittymissus Sat 03-Aug-13 23:12:15

Does he not know what a normal decent relationship is

Probably not. Abusers seldom do.

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 23:14:28

* sallyin* it's all so shocking on the back of a lovely day. But he tells me I fucked up a perfectly good day! I was just tired of that sentence " well finish with me then" that I hear whenever he wants me to shut up or to close an argument he doesn't want

Sallyingforth Sat 03-Aug-13 23:29:21

Jackie please repeat after me..

"He is not worthy of me. I am glad to be rid of him"

Have you got that?

Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 23:33:35

I truly truly want to say that but more importantly I want to FEEL it and BELIEVE it. What is wrong with me that I don't even after he has behaved appallingly

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