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Massive row feel like I've been battered

(454 Posts)
Dearjackie Sat 03-Aug-13 20:05:16

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

Inertia Mon 09-Sep-13 22:43:53

He wanted to make you feel like you were a drag- because you probably weren't doing what he wanted.

Glad you are getting to see more of your friends- I bet they are much more fun!

Jux Tue 10-Sep-13 08:48:04

If you can afford it, buy yourself new bedding, as expensive and lovely as you can afford. It symbolises the new life you will, soft, lovely and comfortably enveloping.

Paint the sitting room.

Do something which changes your living space, rearranging furniture.

Dearjackie Tue 10-Sep-13 17:41:14

Hey jux I'm about to decorate the bedroom got the paint already smile

Plus I might rearrange the living room, good thinking x

Jux Tue 10-Sep-13 18:32:58

Yay! Make it new! Have fun with the decorating and furniture moving smilesmile

Dearjackie Fri 13-Sep-13 23:14:40

Went on a date this evening just for a drink. It wasn't great he talked endlessly about himself although was quite amusing. I felt quite miffed he didn't really ask me much about myself. It's made me feel a bit down

BerylStreep Fri 13-Sep-13 23:31:33

Jackie I think it is waaay too early to be thinking about going on dates.


Dearjackie Fri 13-Sep-13 23:36:39

Yeh I really only did it to get out of the house for a bit not with the view to having another relationship at the moment. Think I will leave it now anyway

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 12:59:31

Well if you can get out of the house in the evenings, that's great smile What sort of things do you like doing - you could take up a new hobby, meet some new people! It's time to rediscover you.

Join a book club maybe, the WI (it's not all old ladies knitting these days so I am told), do an evening class. Go to the cinema on your own! I love doing that! Any other ideas? Zumba or something? What's your style?

When you feel up to it, of course. But it doesn't hurt to look at what's out there, the feeling of "Ooh, I could do that!" is lovely.

Dearjackie Mon 23-Sep-13 17:21:48

Hi I wanted to post on this thread again and hopefully people who helped me at the start will be able to give an opinion again

It's seven weeks since my relationship ended I've been up and down but putting lots of effort into going out with friends ect and generally have had some good times. Started to feel a lot better, then.....

My daughter tells me yesterday EX contacted her a few days ago she only told me because I said there was some mail here of his and she was worried he might ask me for it and tell me he'd txt her. Anyway he asked how she was and how her pregnancy was going and tried to add her on his facebook ( she declined) . Nobody has heard a thing for SEVEN weeks now this! What do you think his aim is? I'm upset all over again. Do you think he's might be trying to worm his way back in through her? I can't believe this

mummytime Mon 23-Sep-13 17:35:19

My first thing would be to make it clear to her that you are not cross with her that he got in touch with her. Try to get her to feel that she can talk to you about anything.

Second I think he may just be putting out feelers. Not that he necessarily even wants to get back with you, but that he wants to know if you are still hanging on the line waiting for him. The problem is if he gets the message you are "over him" he may just try some kind of charm offensive.

It does sound like part of"the script". Stay strong and rebuild your life.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 23-Sep-13 17:42:14

I agree with mummytime - it's a common thing for abusers to "put out feelers" as she puts it - he just wants to know what you're up to because, a, he's bored of not getting any reaction from you and b, because he still thinks he should be able to control you so he's trying to see what you are up to.

He's probably left it for this long because he knew you were serious about it, now he's hoping it's blown over, or he couldn't resist any longer.

Dearjackie Mon 23-Sep-13 17:54:36

This is what I feared. We have split several times like this with him walking out when he couldn't control me,to punish me. This is the longest yet but he's had to up the ante, as it were hasn't he?

He's left it this long I think a) for him to cool off as he was in a temper and b) for me to cool off because I yelled at him to "get out of my house and I never want to see your face again"

I can't believe he's done it out of concern for her. I'm really upset by this and I was doing so well. It hurts that he ruined anything we had because there's no going back from this and I did love him once. He's got me thinking again, WHY did he do it? But I guess that's what he wants isnt it

Inertia Mon 23-Sep-13 18:54:51

He is doing it because he is so full of hate that he can't stand for you to move on with your life. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want you to be happy either, so he is looking for an opening to hurt you again. He has calculated that the best way to provoke a reaction from you is contact with your pregnant daughter. . This is because he is a lowlife piece of shit.

BerylStreep Mon 23-Sep-13 19:18:34

It's been 7 weeks, and you were supposed to fall apart and beg him on a regular basis to enhance your life again.

You haven't, and his ego is dented that you have been able to get over him so easily.


BerylStreep Mon 23-Sep-13 19:23:43

And the only person who can control whether he upsets you or not is you. I know it is easy to say, but just ignore him, he's a silly twat who's not worth the headspace.

Jackie, you are doing so well - keep it up!

Dearjackie Mon 23-Sep-13 19:43:24

I am ignoring beryl I've no intention of trying to make contact
I just couldn't believe he did that even though several people on here told me this would happen cos that's what a users do

Dearjackie Mon 23-Sep-13 19:43:43

Abusers not users

piratecat Mon 23-Sep-13 19:53:17

users do do this. they have no respect or concept of anyone except themselves.

i have only just read this thread but my god you are doing well, really well.

keep going keep going keep going xxxx

piratecat Mon 23-Sep-13 19:54:01

lol and abusers.

and selfish arsewipes who have no grit.

Dearjackie Mon 23-Sep-13 20:02:43

Thank you piratecat in a funny way I am starting to feel free. Free from all sorts of things anxiety, stress, worry, unease. Plus I don't seem to have as many aches and pains

honey86 Mon 23-Sep-13 21:29:26

been reading this post for over an hr lol

he sounds exactly like my spermdonor ex.

he too used the 'if you dont shut up, ill dump you' card. he dumped me a number of times, then came back with his tail between his legs. the first few times i fell for it, accepted fault and took him back. but gradually, from the humiliation, i stopped caring.
we split up 7 months ago when he texted me saying 'well i guess its over then bye' and instead of begging him, i said bye back. a week later he was sending me flowers hmm

6 weeks later and back to his old tricks he tried doing it again. he chucked a variety of threats at me such as a report to social services and court, and again, the 'ill finish it for good' thing. he said 'so youre going to drive away from me then?' to which i replied 'yea i am actually, ta-ta'. and that was it til a few days later when he turned up at my house begging. confused told him it was over and the relationship was dead. he did call ss but they didnt fall for his lies and its backfired on him. it says alot about their cockiness when they are entitled enough to confidently dangle your relationship in front of your face like a carrot.

the first red flag was that he slagged off his ex-wife, mother of his dc. said she was a psycho, liar etc etc- you know the script. i went through a hideous abusive relationship before him so i knew the tricks. in both men, they said their exes were psychotic. did drugs. child abusers. were restricting contact for 'no reason'. it was like a goddamn stuck record.

and i concur on the contacting friends/family thing. what they are generally after is for you to question yourself, the old 'im telling on you' thing, to humiliate you, drag your name through the dirt. the first thing ex fw would do with a row is get out his crapberry and start tap-tap-tapping away, as if to say 'im gonna text (insert allie) and tell on you. im gonna ruin your reputation' confused.

and like lundy demonstrates, abusers will immediately seek allies when the shit hits the fan. get as many gullible idiots people on his side as possible to make an army against you. n use them to dig dirt on you, stalk you, upset you, shit stir etc. cos they know its the only control they have left.

stick to your guns. cos looking back and remembering how smug this twunt was, how overconfident, cocky and arrogant he was.... then remembering how you waved buh-bye to that, knocking him off his perch, is such a satisfying feeling smile
yeah it means im about to have another baby alone, and itll be tiring, but at least i can walk past that sack of shit in the street, hold my head high thinking 'i beat yo ass at your own games' grin.

you did nothing wrong in the first place. all you did, like me, is call his bluff thanks

Jux Tue 24-Sep-13 08:06:27

Well done, Jackie. Ignoring him completely is your greatest weapon. What did your dd do?

Unexpected contact, even indirect, is upsetting and destabilising. In his mind, he thinks he has been extremely patient waiting for you to fall apart without him and to beg him to return. You're stronger than that. So, he's trying to get at you through your greatest vulnerability - your children. He's just trying to destabilise you, and give you a nudge, to remind you of what you are supposed to do: pine for him. You aren't, and you won't. You have committed the greatest sin; that of realising you don't need him.

Hooray for you, DearJackie, hooray!

Dearjackie Tue 24-Sep-13 08:12:34

jux my daughter sent a short sharp "fine thanks" back and didn't ask him how he was or anything else. She didn't add him on facebook. I must check if he's contacted my son as he's at Uni

He's bloody deluded! Who in their right mind would beg him to return after what he did. Because I could never treat anyone like that part of me thinks he's not trying to worm his way back in and that he was only asking her out of concern. But that doesn't really fit with what he did to me does it?

Anyone is entitled to end a relationship if they wish but the way you do it says everything about your character

Jux Tue 24-Sep-13 08:33:09

Your dd has her head screwed on smile

Deluded is right. Occupying his own little reality where he is the star; you were his acolyte, ever by his side, marvelling and grateful. He just wants to remind you of his marvellousness in case you've forgotten, by a show of mock-concern for your dd. Or he's showing off to his next victim how caring he is. His motivation is unimportant.


Dearjackie Tue 24-Sep-13 18:26:19

Bloody hell!!! I can't believe this
My son has just phoned me to say FW has text him at uni asking how he's doing. Why can't he just piss off and leave us all alone now

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