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She's just not that into me..........(95 Posts)
So why do i bother with her? A new mum came onto the scene at DDs school last year and I really liked her. She is pretty and really great company - being with her makes me feel good about myself which is weird because i suffer from self esteem issues and she is probably the picture of everything id like to be, but the opposite of me in reality.
She has recently split with her DH and I have tried to offer her kindness, invited her out, gone out of my way to talk to her at the school gates. She does come out with our small group of mums during school times but has now dropped off the radar for the summer, refused invites to events ith the kids etc. Although been to a few that i have been on.
She has always been friendly and shared quite alot about her situation etc, i really thought she would make a good friend and we could have a laugh etc.
Our DDs don't get on particularly well but they play together if we all meet up after school.
I do get the distinct - "im not interested in being your friend" vibes from her. This is her perogative of course and i do think she is the sort of person who can pick and choose friends etc, popular, a bit of a people magnet etc, has a group of friends who are very chic and a bit of the "in crowd" I am certainly not that and don't really want to be (i dont think)
So why don't i get the fecking message and stop asking her to things? not bother to wait to walk back with her from school etc??? I am probably coming across as a bit of a loon . There was someone else before this, who i felt the same about although i did all the running she blatantly was only interested if no one else avail or wanted my DP to do work in their house etc. She actually turned out to be not a very nice person in the end, other people saw this long before me - although i sort of knew. I am starting to feel this new woman is similar - not a cunt or anything but the sort of person who would drop someoen at the drop of a hat if a better offer came along. Saying that, she doesn't encourage a friendship.
Makes me sad really, i often feel not good enough.
a friendship is a relationship though isn't it.
I don't mean this unkindly but on the basis of your language in your first post, you seem to be very unaware of the way you come across. Saying a woman is pretty etc etc reads like a man ( or gay woman) wanting a sexual relationship. ( and don't please say we can appreciate another woman's looks without being a lesbian- that's not what I mean.)
Are you being especially dim over this- your use of language- or can you just really not see it?
Hissy, no, i think you must have me muddled up with someone. DP and my relationship has had its ups and downs but he has never been abusive/controlling.
Her esteem, so she says, is rock bottom - however she seems really confident and carefree. She certainly does have alot of issues as her DH was a bastard to her and he is still around in a way. But she certainly doesn't give off those vibes - as i said, i should like to be more like her.
Saying that - it is still her choice, she doesn't want a close friendship and thats ok - so i should just leave it at that, it shouldn't be a big deal. MY self esteem issues is what makes it a big deal.
So why don't i get the fecking message and stop asking her to things? not bother to wait to walk back with her from school etc??? I am probably coming across as a bit of a loon hmm.
why don't you get the message then? You seem to have answered your own questions but at the same time you seem reluctant to take on board how your behaviour puts people off.
LEMisdisappointed is a poster I recognise well. Missbopeep, I think you're barking up the wrong tree here. Personally I think it's perfectly possible to say a woman is pretty etc etc without it sounding anything like a man or gay woman wanting a sexual relationship!
OP, I think you sound a bit lonely, but are maybe scaring this woman off a friendship by being a bit needy and a bit too much. Would you say that was fair?
Even now you are ignoring a lot of points people are saying here- why is that?
Do you lack empathy- or just want to control things and block out anything that isn't what you want to see or hear ( both in RL and on this forum?)
You're going round in circles,you know the answer.
You know what to do
For whatever reason you're choosing not to do the sensible thing
i'm kind of glad it's not just me. OP without getting defensive i think you need to look at the fact that several of us on here had the exact same vibe from your post and your feelings about this woman and the whole, 'why can't i take no for an answer', 'i don't understand why i keep chasing her' type thing.
yes friendships are relationships but the language and emotions and 'being drawn' of the intensity you're talking about is usually about attraction and chemistry.
Avon I did SAY that ( about prettiness ) if you read carefully.
if you don't mean something unkindly, then don't say it! She IS pretty, she is actually fucking stunning - so what. That is part of who she is, she has a magnetic personality and is fun to be around. I was making the point that lots of people like her. The thread title was tongue in cheek, im sorry if you don't get that. I have acknowledged to swallow that there maybe some sort of "girl crush" thing going on, although its not principally the issue. It is more me looking for a close friendship with someone. If you don't like the cut of my post, then don't bother to post.
Avon just for you- ^( and don't please say we can appreciate another woman's looks without being a lesbian- that's not what I mean.^)
it's the 'for whatever reason' bit that is so telling. when we have the keep going after someone despite knowing better but not being able to help ourselves it generally only is for one reason and that's attraction and chemistry.
was the other woman also stunning?
missbopeep you're coming over a bit... well like you might be taking out angst online. i say that in the nicest possible way, honestly but you're being a bit harsh.
I think she's picked up on your self diagnosed girl crush. It's difficult to know how to behave around people who are clearly attracted to you if you don't feel the same. I've been guilty of laughing it off and slowly withdrawing myself just as this woman is.
I get that it's entirely accidental, but I'm almost certain that this will be the reason.
It's not that I don't like the 'cut of your post'- whatever that means- it's that you are behaving now in a way that seems to show you are bloody stubborn and won't take on board what lots of people are saying.
She might be 'fucking stunning' but exactly- so what! why did you need to mention it right at the start of your thread?
You are either being spectacularly dim here re. how your take on this woman comes over, or you are playing silly buggers and refusing to listen.
misbopeep i am not blocking things out, you seem very aggressive in your posting style, i have acknowledged to swallow that she may well have been right and i certainly did not take offence to her post as she could have a point. Maybe i do "fancy" this woman - if i do, why is that a problem? I was questioning my inability to respond to the "im not interested in a close friendship" vibes she is giving out.
The answer scottishmummy is to back off, i absolutely agree - i think i was asking myself why i was unable to do this. Its a bit sad really
Of course we are all drawn to charismatic folk,they have a something
You're probably going to have to settle for as acquaintances,not besties
And stop trying so hard
Hmm, thinking about this I am trying to put myself in your shoes to try and answer. I have a friend. I can see she is pretty, slim, confident, a brilliant mum, lovely children and husband, busy life and I have often wished I was more like her. But, I can see differences in our lives that I am happier with my choices/situations. My point being, don't try and be like someone else (to get them to like or notice you?) but be happier in your own skin and change what you need too.
swallowed- I have no angst I assure you, on this.
I am just very frustrated that the OP won't listen, and reflect on what people are saying.
OP I think you're just basking in her reflected glory, or to put it another way, want to mirror what you see in her.... so I guess yeah, self-esteem issue.
But the important thing is to just be yourself. Ask yourself: do you even really have anything in common with her when it comes down to it? Did you hit it off straightaway and know everything about each other in an afternoon? See that just doesn't bode well cos you don't end up knowing the essence of the person, just stuff about them.
You need to keep some mystery imo. Don't barf out all your personal details in the space of an hour with new people! Getting to know someone as a friend kind of is like getting to know someone in an actual relationship. It has to happen over time and by degrees
You didn't do anything wrong. Yes, maybe you come across needy to her but that's not crime of the century is it? Just back off a little and try other avenues...
OP it's not a problem at all if you 'fancy' her.
What is a problem is your inability to acknowledge why your behaviour may have frightened her off.
I'm only being harsh because you seem to need harsh comments to make you aware of how you come across. I wouldn't be harsh if you began to show a tiny bit of understanding of your own behaviour,
I don't understand your problem missbopeep - where am i not taking things on board, if you READ my posts you will see me agreeing with people. You do seem to have a bee in your bonnet. It is possible to reflect on what people say and think, well yes, they have a point but i don't think its that. People have asked if i have sexual feelings to this woman or romantic feelings, i have answered that i really don't think i do - what is there to misinterpret?
Missstrawberry - thanks, that sums it up nicely. I do actually envy her, in some ways but id not swap places with her in many others.
if you do fancy her so what? so nothing - it's fine. but it does answer question doesn't it as to why you can't let it go when rationally you know you should. that's how attraction works.
i think you have your answer.
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