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Finally hit me what he did...

(54 Posts)
theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 00:44:48

Long story - summary is:

Ex and I separated in Feb 2012 ago but lived "separately" in the same house until 2 months ago.

had last counselling session together in oct 2011 - one of main issues was ex telling lies. he committed as part of that to tell the truth.

In jan 2012 I discovered he'd be lying for months about something big - job related (he had a disciplinary warning for his conduct). For me it was then over as it made a total mockery of the counselling, his "commitments" to change etc.
I was so upset I couldn't speak to him about what i' found out - so I wrote it down and sat with him while he read it. He barely reacted. " weeks later I told I wanted a divorce.
Then I started to see him attaching "shopping lists" to the note I gave him, for things like moisturiser, lockable bag, tops etc.
Tuned out he was cross dressing. over the rest of the 1.5 years we lived togtehr (separately) he continiued to do so, also stole my clothes, make u and jewellery. he bought wigs in my hairstyle and bought underwar identical to mine. He also left blood stained ladies underwear in the laundry and took pictures of himself naked in public. Also left oil on the kitchen floor (tiled floor so very slippery), left dirty pans out for days on end, the list goes on. There is more, but this is a general outline

I finally went to the counsellor I saw 2 years ago, and she said that it was clear he was doing all this to get at me, as my "punishment" for me discovering his lies about work. She said he must have felt humiliated so was trying to do the same to me.

I knew this all along really but its finally hit home just what a nasty, warped person he was. I know I've had a lucky escape but as I now know during the 1.5 years it went on, I shut don emotionally and focussed on getting the divorce sorted out. It's only now, its really hitting me. I even cried for the first time tonight...

MariaLuna Sat 03-Aug-13 00:58:16

Glad you are LTB.

This will never get better anyway.

theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 01:00:49

Sorry ML - I don't understand your reply?!

VenusSurprising Sat 03-Aug-13 01:02:55

Onwards and upwards.

Feelings often catch up after survival instincts can settle down.

Cry as much as you like: it's part of the healing.

VenusSurprising Sat 03-Aug-13 01:03:49

LTB = leaving the bastard in mumsnet shorthand.

She's glad you're free of him. As am I!

theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 01:04:25

Thanks Venus smile
I think it is all catching up with me now. Horrible to think I was with him for so long

theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 01:06:20

Ah I see! Yes defiantly left him! Only see him for a few mins when he picks up or drops off our son.

Awful the lengths people will stoop to punish someone. My counsellor said she'd never come across a situation like mine in over 20 years!

theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 10:35:23

What a horrible night's "sleep".
Amazing how I didn't really think about the emotional side of what ex was doing for 1.5 years, and now it feels so hurtful.
His behaviour was bizarre thought really as in trying to humiliate me, he could have humiliated himself more if eg his work, family , etc had found out about his behaviour...

theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 10:52:06

Just wondered if anyone else had any thoughts. Feeling sad sad

HommeDeLaMer Sat 03-Aug-13 11:05:54

There is nothing in your message that shows you thought about HIS feelings.

theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 11:09:57

He lied to me, intimidated me, made a mockery of our counselling sessions and messed with my mind. Funnily enough I'm not really concerned about his feelings

HommeDeLaMer Sat 03-Aug-13 11:11:36

I wonder what is cause, and what is effect here.

cloudskitchen Sat 03-Aug-13 11:24:09

I am so outraged that HE punished YOU because you found out HE'D been lying. How dare he!!! What a horrible man angry He sounds absolutely bonkers as well! I'm so pleased for you that you are free of him. Would it help to have a few sessions with your councillor to try and get things straight in your head. At least you can focus on what a lucky escape you have had and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Every day that is a more distant memory as you leave it further behind x

AnyFucker Sat 03-Aug-13 11:27:09

did you post about the soiled knickers back then ?

theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 11:29:17

Thanks clouds smile
Yes "bonkers" is a good description!! I have actually felt sorry for hi at times, and tried to understand how someone could be that nasty. If his crossdressing had been a genuine need and he'd been sensitive about it, I would have felt quite differently. However it clear that he was using it to get at me.
Yes think you're right a couple more sessions with the counscellor might help. She thinks my emotions are only just surfacing, as I shut down and focussed on "survival" while we were still living in the same house

theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 11:30:22

Hi Anyfucker,

Yes I think I did. I think it might have been you who said it was all being done to get at me too...

AnyFucker Sat 03-Aug-13 11:31:44

Ah, yes I thought it rand a bell

I thought then he was a fucking weirdo. Glad you are out of it, love

AnyFucker Sat 03-Aug-13 11:31:51


theendishere Sat 03-Aug-13 11:33:20

Thanks AF smile

theendishere Sun 04-Aug-13 01:08:55

Went to bed 1.5 hours ago, just can't sleep with all that's going on in my head. Saw friends today who were great - really supportive and understanding.
Family not so, in fact placing more demands on me (mother terminally ill) at a time when I need to focus on me and my son ( I felt this selfish, my counsellor said it's not - she said I owe it to me and my son to look after myself). Also very busy work (run my own small business) again family don't seem to see it as "work". I rely on the income for it to support me and my son

MNiscold Sun 04-Aug-13 01:18:04

Oh do take time for yourself and your son, your work... You need those things for your future, and they are NEEDS, not selfish. I don't know what your mother may need right now, and I'm sure you need this time with her, but you won't be much good to her or your son if you can't keep your work going or get sick yourself. Could you set yourself a time limit? I used to say I would only think about the ex. and problems for X amount of time, and the rest of the day put it out of my mind. I would even write down what I needed to finish thinking through so I would not forget to come back to it later. This helped me immensely! Then the rest of the day I could do other things and know I wasn't leaving anything important out.

Wishing you the best; this is definitely weird. You didn't cause it, and you will get through it; all of it.

theendishere Sun 04-Aug-13 01:23:49

Thanks smile
I know you're right, but I don't my family (ie mother and sister) recognise that I even work. They seem to assume because i'm self employed I can just drop work whenever.
By weird, did you mean ex's behaviour?

MNiscold Sun 04-Aug-13 01:29:03

I did mean ex's behaviour was weird. And you can only really see it now that you're out from under it all.... I think that makes it even more important to have time to yourself, etc.

I am also self-employed, and people often think we self=employed ones have it easy; we can set our own hours! Ha Ha! I wish. Really it means we never even have paid sick days or vacation. We are probably more ruled by the necessity to make a living than people with actual set jobs with schedules. And we often never really get away from our work... am I right?

Also - you're stronger than you think. Definitely stronger than HE thinks you are; but you do have to take care of yourself. Everyone has a limit.

theendishere Sun 04-Aug-13 01:35:58

Thanks MN smile You're right, I knew it was weird behaviour but affirmation from my counsellor that it was almost certainly done to unnerve me, has made it all sink in more.

I think that also once i'd moved awat from him, I was expecting some "normality" even a bit of boredom would be fine! Instead it's goe from one set of stress to another. My counsellor actually said, as did my doctor that I was probably suffering a form of ptsd.
Interestingly despite family "suggesting" I go down to anti depressants route, I don't fel depressed at all (I've suddered form depression years ago so know what it feels like) I just feel I have too much to deal with

MNiscold Sun 04-Aug-13 01:43:24

Are you me?? I was actually diagnosed with PTSD when I finally left my ex.... and put on antidepressants. My Dr. just said I had waaaay too much to deal with and was in a situation that would not go away and the ADs would help me to manage it all... and he was right! Not sure why you don't want ADs, but they are almost always part of the treatment for PTSD. That and good counseling....

It does sound like you have good help with your Dr. and counselor, and maybe you just need time to get back to your best self.

I need to sign off now, but will be thinking about you and will check again in a bit. Hope you get some good sleep; that is one of nature's best healers!!

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