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So Ashamed

(63 Posts)
grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 13:36:17

I've been really struggling with stress and anxiety. Had a tough few years when we lost everything and now slowly building back up and trying hard to become more financially secure.

It's just been pointed out to me on another thread that I've been abusive to my DH. I'm so upset, I'm not an abusive person and I'd. No idea I was being abusive.

I'm struggling to hold it together in front of the DC. I've no idea how to fix it or make it up to him.

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 16:26:02

We were both made redundant close together and he hasn't found anything yet. He does look after dds while I'm at work.

Vivacia Fri 02-Aug-13 16:29:50

What do you make of what Babyheave posted?

Eostre Fri 02-Aug-13 16:33:23

I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this, grumpy. i saw the other thread, and that particular poster was way off. As I understand it, you are planning and cooking the meals, making the budget, buying the food, and working very long hours to support your family and improve your situation. On top of that, and what has clearly been a very tough few years, you are going hungry so that all the rest of your family can eat. Calling that abusive is, imo, bonkers.
You are, frankly, being heroic.

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 16:35:15

I had actually made a GP appointment for today but cancelled it. Tbh I'm scared he tries to sign me off because need more than ssp. I'm also scared what my bosses would do if they found out which they would if I had a sick line.

LondonJax Fri 02-Aug-13 16:48:03

Explain to your GP that you can't afford to be signed off. There are lots of ways he/she can help you without you having to be signed off. Please reschedule the appointment and, if you haven't already spoken to them, have a chat with citizens advice. They can help you sort out finances to take a bit of pressure off of you - they hear stories like this all the time so they won't judge you.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 16:53:08

"We were both made redundant close together and he hasn't found anything yet. He does look after dds while I'm at work"

Why isn't be also doing the shopping and the cooking and absolutely everything else that needs to be done while you work 70 hours a week?

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 16:58:38

It's hard to explain I'm not sure I fully understand it myself. I find it terrifyingly difficult to admit in real life just how bad I feel. It's like failing even more to admit it. Even since childhood I've had to be the responsible one and was blamed for everything. I was told off for being emotional or struggling with something and told I was being selfish. To survive I learned to bottle it up and always be the 'strong' one, the responsible one.

Thing is I've never felt strong, my mum taught me to hate myself and doubt myself. This self doubt has sometimes helped me to fail eg chicken out of speaking up in RL.

On here it's like there's an extra layer of protection. I can risk admitting how bad I feel to release a bit of the pressure and make it a little easier to pretend I'm fine in RL.

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 17:01:29

Thanks for listening got to go to work now so not ignoring you. Will try and reply tomorrow some time.

Just thinking about how to word that last post has helped me calm down a bit.

FairPhyllis Fri 02-Aug-13 17:05:07

grumpy, I haven't seen anything to indicate that you are abusive. What I took away from that thread, although I didn't say it there, is that your dh is being enormously selfish by eating whatever he wants without considering the family budget and what's been planned for mealtimes.

I am wondering whether a fair amount of your stress is caused by him not doing his fair share of cooking, meal planning, shopping and other household duties, tbh.

sparkle12mar08 Fri 02-Aug-13 17:32:15

Grumpy, it's not you doing the abusing here, frankly. Your husband chooses to eat more food than he knows the budget can sustain, and he chooses to leave you to go hungry. That is abusive yes. To you. Can't you see that? Please don't let the poster from the other thread pull you down any further. You are drowning under a sea of responsibility that isn't all yours and which your H doesn't seem to be shouldering his fair share of tbh. He is not suporting you, loving you, cherishing you, encouraging you, is he? He's living off you, and sucking the very life and spirit out of you by the sounds of it.

Please get that doctors appointment and be honest. I'm very worried about you tbh.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 02-Aug-13 17:45:09

Grumpy, I don't wish to turn your post into a thread about a thread and a personal attack on the poster in question so I'm going to be quite careful with what I say other than,

It is not you who is abusive.

BOF Fri 02-Aug-13 18:00:24

You really need to snap out of this wahwahwah woe-is-me stuff on message boards and get some proper psychiatric help.

Nobody here can help you with the magic balm of soothing words, because your mind twists everything people say into an attack.

Go to the doctors. It is urgent.

ParsingFancy Fri 02-Aug-13 18:09:51

grumpy, if thinking through how to word things is helping you get to grips with them, please do keep posting.

BOF's right that you could also do with some RL help.

AnyFucker Fri 02-Aug-13 18:12:59

grumpy an anonymous message board is only going to fuck you up further because you are obviously not equipped to deal with any negative comments or apply a temporary salve when the majority of kind folk post something supportive

unfortunately though, your neediness and negativity is going to gradually erode that

you need RL support, from professionals love

are you taking any steps at all to seek that ?

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 18:53:16

Op if you were abusive you would be saving he deserved it and he made you do it.

If you go to the GP they cannot sign you off against your will . you have to consent to anything they do.

perhaps if dh did the shopping, planning and cooking then he would be more aware of the budget as it would be up to him to make sure there was enough food for everyone.

also check with a benefits advice agency just in case there is something you could be getting but are not.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 18:58:09

BOF the other thread did have someone making very uncalled for judgements on grumpy.

I have no prior knowledge of grumpy and her issues before today, but the other person was very nasty and horrible and i just despair that people dont realise when someone is struggling and clearly on the edge.

I do second that talking to someone in real life will be the best plan though as we cannot help you other than being supportive and telling you that other poster was bang out of order.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 19:12:25

One nasty and horrid person. About a million supportive people.

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 19:19:26

grumpy have just been reading other thread and i see you say dh won't get involved in weekly budget.
i think you may have to insist he does even if it just a challenge for on week so he gets a dose of reality.
if get expects to eat he should expects to participate.
and if you are working 80 hours per week you probably need more calories than him not less.

i hope things get better soon op as this kinda thing really does grind you down.
good luck with your course. and i think you are right to be proud of all you have done and are doing to get your family back on

Biscuitsareme Fri 02-Aug-13 19:37:01

I second those posters questioning the division of work in your household. Why can't your OH do budgeting/shopping/ cooking + child care while you do the long-hours paid job?

Also, yes to you having at least as much food as your OH, since you're doing said long-hours paid job!

McBalls Fri 02-Aug-13 19:54:19

I think, possibly, you're not actually taking negative comments to heart as such.
You said a few posts back that 'I'd never realised how selfish I was being wanting to eat' and I don't think you really believe that.
Is it more that you you need validation and sympathy and there-there's? I don't think any of that will help, you need real, proper professional input.
You don't have to feel like this, it really can get better.

Portofino Fri 02-Aug-13 20:42:19

You have received some sterling advice on here over the last couple of years. Why oh why do you never take any of it? Your dh is an arse, and you need professional help with your self esteem. It was ever thus. Mumsnet is a lovely supportive place but it can't help you if you continue to ignore the advice and just focus on the negative all the time. In fact I think it as a bad effect as you can just "wallow" a little and never actually do anything about the cause of the problem. I mean that in the kindest possible way.

CorrineFoxworth Fri 02-Aug-13 20:42:33

I'm over from the other thread to add my support. I don't know about your posting history but you were unfairly attacked by just one person.

It does sound like you need real life support though. You can't go on being a people-pleaser, most of them are cunts grin

Hope to see you when you finish work smile

ArtexMonkey Sat 03-Aug-13 13:28:01

I don't think op is working 80 hours per week right now, fwiw, I think on the other thread she said that that's what she would be doing when she started her nursing course.

Although I do not see how, if you are so fragile that stupid comments from Internet randoms have you wanting to self harm, and seemingly every rl interaction leaves you feeling diminished and rejected, you are going to cope with nursing, don't you need to be a bit robust, able to compartmentalise, not take things personally, that kind of thing?

Another reason why it's a very good long term idea to get help then. Well anyway.

TiredFeet Sat 03-Aug-13 13:49:21

wow, of course you are not being abusive. we meal plan to stick within budget and I would be boiling mad if DH ate our tea leaving me with nothing! (and I could afford to go out and buy more but I would still be cross!)

you sound like you having done amazingly well and fought very hard to recover from a real low point and it has taken its toll. Its not a sign of weakness to seek help, it is a sign of how strong you have been. If you are scared of being signed of sick have you got any annual leave you could take? even a long weekend might help you feel like you have been able to press 'pause' and take stock a little / take care of yourself. and maybe arrange counselling (gps / employers might help with this) so you can have someone to talk to rather than bottling it all up.

grumpyoldbat Sun 04-Aug-13 19:57:09

Sorry I've not replied had quick turn around from back shift Friday to long early shift Saturday Sunday.

For me doing this course is doing something to fix things. I can get a qualification, a chance of a career eventually and a chance of a better paid job to move forward with getting on an even keel financially.

I already have a job where we get abuse from the public. It's easier to brush that off because I can talk myself that it's my job title they are abusing not me personally.

I know people think I imagine it but I don't imagine the nasty things that have been said in the past. Now I've been forced to think about it it is these things I remember not nice things. It's like the memory of the bad things wipe out the memory of the good.

At some point in my teens I lost faith in my ability to tell who was genuinely being nice and who was being snide so I tend to treat nice comments with suspicion to scared to trust again. It's the same reason I avoid I avoid going out socially because I don't trust my judgement to know what to say when to say and who to say things to. I never got my chance to make my mistakes as a teenager.

I was referred for CBT well over a year ago but was told the waiting list was a few years so haven't really thought about it since.

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