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So Ashamed

(63 Posts)
grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 13:36:17

I've been really struggling with stress and anxiety. Had a tough few years when we lost everything and now slowly building back up and trying hard to become more financially secure.

It's just been pointed out to me on another thread that I've been abusive to my DH. I'm so upset, I'm not an abusive person and I'd. No idea I was being abusive.

I'm struggling to hold it together in front of the DC. I've no idea how to fix it or make it up to him.

PoodleFlavouredFreddos Fri 02-Aug-13 15:06:51

I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

How have you been abusive? does DH see it that way?

I used to get angry really easily, but I never usually show it. Occasionally i'll fall to pieces in this big ranty crying shouting out burst. I'm not proud of it, and am in therapy to address my issues with emotions. once I was crying/ranting and my DP flinched when I lent past him to pick up a mug. I was devastated he felt the need to flinch. I have since worked really really hard on my own issues, and now have many more appropriate skills to handle my emotions.

Can you get help?

Trazzletoes Fri 02-Aug-13 15:12:16

I'm no expert, but perhaps sit down with him and acknowledge what's happened, apologise, try to move forwards - is counselling an option to help you deal with such situations more appropriately?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 02-Aug-13 15:16:00

Sorry, but in what way are you abusive to your husband?
If we know more we can probably help more.
Why did you lose everything?
If you feel you do really have a problem then get your GP and get referal for counselling.

skylerwhite Fri 02-Aug-13 15:16:14

Grumpy I was watching that thread, and unless there's other stuff going on that you haven't mentioned, I don't think you're the one being abusive. It sounds like it might be good for you to post on here, though, as you seem to be carrying a big burden. All the burdens, actually.

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 15:17:48

I had posted on a thread about how I'd be upset if DH ate what was meant for dinner leaving me without food. Another poster said I was being controling trying to ration food and was actually wanting him to go hungry. I don't want him to starve id.never realised how selfish I was being wanting to eat.

I really should be doing the dishes but thinking about how bad a wife I've been has triggered my anxiety so much the urge to cut myself is too strong to risk touching a knife.

I just hate myself do much, want to fix it but I keep failing. I'm working on earning more to buy mire but it takes so long.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 15:18:18

grumpy my love, there is nothing abusive about you from what i have read on that thread, you are a loving, kind hard working lady who is doing her utmost to keep her family eating. Talk to us, its therapeutic, but i do not think you are being fair to yourself at all.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 15:18:48

Grumpy- I was on that thread. One person said you were abusive-'and she hadn't read the thread properly. Everyone else- and I mean everyone else said completely the opposite. Go back and read it. The get this thread deleted.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 15:21:51

And might I gently suggest that you might need real life help? Taking so seriously what somebody who obviously had their own agenda and who had misread the thread said suggests that you are quite fragile and could do with support.

Spero Fri 02-Aug-13 15:23:11

Sorry, there is obviously a lot more going on here than I know but I struggle to see how you are being 'abusive' if you worry your partner will eat all the food, leaving you with nothing. I would get quite anxious about that if it happened to me.

But I wouldn't be beating myself up about being 'abusive', rather I would be asking myself some questions about the levels of communication and respect between me and my partner, that such a situation could even arise.

I don't think any stranger on the Internet can ever give anyone a comprehensive diagnosis of their behaviour or relationship so please don't let one comment derail you so completely.

Easier said than done I know.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 15:24:32

I am sorry you are feeling so bad about one persons unreasonable view on what you said, you are not abusive. I am rubbish at saying the right thing and i have no idea how you are feeling, as i am not you, but i really want you to know we do not think you are abusive. chin up, do you speak to your dh about what you are doing re the food? does he get it? if he does then i honestly think he is the one with a problem. I obvs do not know either of you and dont want to be unfair to him, but from what i have read i genuinely get the feeling you are not at fault.

theidiot Fri 02-Aug-13 15:24:37

I saw that thread, you're not being abusive getting upset at someone for eating what was supposed to be for dinner.

That's normal, its the person who's eating everything in the cupboards and fridge with no regard for the rest of the people in the house who needs pulling up not the person getting upset about it.

There's something going on around here recently, we've had quite bizarre responses to people asking for opinions about pretty reasonable things, I sincerely doubt any poster would gaily wave away the little inconvenience of her/his partner eating a dozen eggs and a haunch of ham leaving the rest of the house with nothing to eat.

I remember a few years back, a friend was telling me how her mother was incredibly pissed off at her brother and his girlfriend eating the ingredients so a Sunday roast fro breakfast leaving nothing for lunch. Presumably the posters jumping on you would shrug the lack of any lunch for anyone with 'Oh well they must have been starving and they're not overweight so I mustn't tell them they're being greedy thoughtless shits'.


skylerwhite Fri 02-Aug-13 15:25:13

Take some deep breaths, Grumpy. You don't need to cut yourself. Go outside for a powerwalk or do some exercise, it's a good way of channeling anxiety.

You clearly put your family first, you're not a bad wife at all, you are working and studying and putting food on the table every night.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-Aug-13 15:26:21

grumpy one poster had a particularly big bee in her bonnet, that doesn't mean she was right.

Please don't brood on this or do anything rash. You're a good person and one poster expressing their view only got a snapshot of one moment in your life and chose to home in on that. You've probably posted here long enough to know AIBU can get tricky sometimes and if you are feeling raw the wrong word at the wrong moment can really hit a nerve.

Keep going, walk away from the screen when things get too much, who needs it.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 15:26:33

I definitely second the need for you to have some real life help. I am worried about you.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 02-Aug-13 15:28:50

Wow - so someone called you abusive because you wanted to eat!???
Seriously? That is madness.
That was NOT abusive and please don't ever think that it is.
It's not selfish. You are doing all you can and providing for your family.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I think you need to talk so someone about your anxiety and urges.
Go to your GP for referral and get some counselling, it should really help you.
Be kind to yourself, you have done NOTHING wrong!!

bestsonever Fri 02-Aug-13 15:35:59

It seems like you have picked out the one negative response out of lots of positives and decided that's the answer. Could this reflect a general tendency to focus on all the negatives in life? if there is, not surprising you are stressed. Somehow, finding a way to shift focus on positive aspects in life will bring you more balance - I'm no expert so I'm sure others can offer better advice on how to achieve this.
It is however, understandable that after a rough time in life you have come out the other side looking for what is wrong in life rather than being glad for what is right.

ramonasinger Fri 02-Aug-13 15:42:59

fact is, that person got the wrong end of the stick entirely about what you actually said. She seemed to get all kinds of information from thin air and then attributed a lot of things to you that you hadnt said, and actually had said the opposite.

I am not sure why that happened or how she bloody thought that it was reasonable to be such an utter cow, but you ARE NOT in any way at fault.

You are also entirely correct in thinking that if you are on a tight budget and meals are carefully planned to within an inch of their lives, that it is not ok for anyone to selfishly eat more than they need. This is entirely different from being controlling because you are abusive and because you get some kind of kick from it.

I gather the person giving you all this abuse entirely ignored the fact that you were not the op and you were also not suggesting dh do without so you could eat more. You are in a tricky position and money is tight obviously and you are being very self sacrificing by giving your dh more of your serving if he moans. I suggest that he hasnt got a clue you are doing this as i cannot fathom how he would allow you to do such a thing, if he did. How can he let you do that, really that is just not on, especially as you give him far more than you give yourself in the first place.

nenevomito Fri 02-Aug-13 15:46:03

grumpy - every time I see you on here it strikes me how incredibly vulnerable you are.

If one comment by one poster on a thread makes you want to harm yourself then that's a worry as you are exposing yourself to no end of silly people on-line.

You really, really need outside help with your appalling self-esteem and lack of self-worth. Your threads are about how people hate you and that you're stupid or how much you hate yourself. These are things that need real life help and intervention from real services.

Please can you go to your GP and ask for a referral to Mental Health services. You need proper professional help, grumpy, and that needs to come from RL.

The poster shouting at you was very very weird indeed. You already give your husband more food than yourself, you give him more off your plate if he moans, but you can't afford to buy extra food so you end up going hungry.

And somebody managed to twist that into you starving your husband. Very bizarre.

If anything, I think you need to be more assertive with your husband about his meat-y expectations!

It seems there's a big back story here - have you been getting any help for your anxiety?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-Aug-13 15:48:02

bestsonever Fri 02-Aug-13 15:35:59

It seems like you have picked out the one negative response out of lots of positives and decided that's the answer. Could this reflect a general tendency to focus on all the negatives in life? if there is, not surprising you are stressed.

OP said,

I've been really struggling with stress and anxiety. Had a tough few years when we lost everything and now slowly building back up and trying hard to become more financially secure.

That tends to impact on how you react to criticism directed at you, bestsonever.

ArtexMonkey Fri 02-Aug-13 15:52:36

Agree with babyheave. You have been getting the same excellent advice on here for years op. when are you going to take it though?

Trazzletoes Fri 02-Aug-13 16:06:20

Gosh, it really sounds like you need to get to your GP. NOT so that you can get counselling for being abusive - there's a deluge of people here saying you aren't! But for the urge you are having to hurt yourself. You need help with that. Really. You do.

It sounds like you've been having a hell of a time x

grumpyoldbat Fri 02-Aug-13 16:09:10

We lost everything due to redundancy and awful benefits advice and the time it took to get a new job which was much lower paid than before.

We ended up homeless,all our savings used up and no money coming in before things started to turn a corner.

Things are better than that now obviously but money is still tight and budgeted to the last penny to avoid ending up in the pit again. I'm working long hours to try and get back on an even keel again and don't get much sleep because I fear it all going wrong again. So it does make me a bit tetchy. I also feel guilty that I didn't manage to prevent it getting so bad in the first place.

Some days I can look at how far we've come and feel some pride. Other days when I'm especially tired it doesn't take much for the stress and everything to overwhelm me.

The comments on that thread were the straw that broke the camels back after a tough week of paperwork and work issues that left me fearing it going wrong again.

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 16:21:00

Why isn't your husband working?

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