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My DP left on Saturday. Help please!

(131 Posts)
Mips Thu 01-Aug-13 15:00:54

Hi. A friend recommended MN and I have been reading posts which have helped my situation.
My long term DP left on Saturday. Whilst we had problems, it has come as a shock. Does anyone have any tips for getting through the day in the early days? I have 2 children, 10 and 6. Thank you in advance.

NanaNina Wed 07-Aug-13 19:05:30

Oh Mips and Three so sorry you are going through such a traumatic time. I know some posters are encouraging you to feel angry with your DP and pointing out all his short comings which are real enough. However as I have probably already said, all of your emotions are going to be mixed up and you are still very raw. You are experiencing the classic signs of bereavement following the loss you have suffered. Unfortunately all these emotions don't come in linear form, they dodge about, so one minute you are angry and then you are sad, and wish he would return, and then you feel lonely and so it goes on, the "tape" goes around and around in your head. Many people experience a "red hot" memory - so called because the memory is so painful it is like a burn, and then sadness and tears take over. Also grieving come in waves and sometimes you feel ok(ish) and then are overtaken by all sort of other emotions.

I honestly don't think people can tell you how to feel (and I'm not thinking of anyone in particular on the thread!) but I've found many MNs have very strong opinions on something and can be very definitive about what happened, the reasons it happened and what the future will hold!!

All you can do is take one day at a time and try to structure your time which will help a little. I still don't think blaming is the way forward, for either of you. I think human relationships are very complex things and dynamics between the couple tend to get set in concrete and we can't see for ourselves what is happening. It takes someone right out of the situation to help you understand some of the emotions you are experiencing. I think someone mentioned counselling for you, and whilst I think this is a good idea, I think you need more time to elapse to get the best out of counselling, as it isn't cheap - approx. £50 per hour dependent on where you live.

I think it's important for the two of you to keep the lines of communication open, try not to blame or re-hash what happened, as this will lead to friction and you don't need that now. Also I think it's really important that the children see you together and getting along with things in the usual way as this will help them to feel a little more secure.You need time to "lick your wounds" and so does he although he should most definitely have told you about his intentions, but maybe that was the only way he could do it, when you were away.

I still think depression is a torment and unless you have suffered from it, you can't have any understanding of how awful it can make you feel and there is still a stigma attached to mental illness.

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 15:24:43

How depressing, Three. So many of them out there sad. Stay strong and use MN if you need to vent/blub/rage. We'll all be here. (Would have said "welcome to the thread" in a cheery, enthusiastic way, but it doesnt seem quite appropriate given our circumstances, does it?)

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 15:05:55

Thanks again. He works in a very small office so i cant think of anyone. They all know me as well. I did confront him and he said he genuinely wasnt interested in anyone else. It was to do with the way we were and how unhappy we were making one another. Tbh, im the one who would have been more taken in by another man! My DP was quite jealous of my social life and questioned me about chatting up men, etc. He is quite insecure.
I will be aware of the possibility but i honestly dont yhink its the case.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 07-Aug-13 14:54:26

I get what you are saying and I am not saying he has someone else (or is considering an affair) but it is dangerous to base your assumptions on certain myths.

Just to rebunk a few more myths - OW does not have to be his type, the ego boosts alone can be enough to turn their head.

So many affairs nowadays take place within working hours - fake training/seminars or afternoons off and pretending to be at work.

Also it does not have to be physical - many are conducted online.

Again, I am not saying he is cheating but his current actions are those of a selfish man giving little thought to the plight of his DC sad

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 14:43:51

Hi threeandjustme, sorry you are dealing with similar. Its hard to comprehend. Whilst i know the reasons he left i find it hard to contemplate how they cant just be fixed now!! Im impatient.
Sorry you have the added difficulty of living away from family. My friend is in a very similar situation. Hope it works out.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 14:34:05

Hi hot choc, thanks for reply. I honestly do not think there is anything going on. The woman at work is not his type at all and she is going through problems with her own husband. Apparently i have heard they are off on hols and redoing their marriage vows. I have no doubt that this has been an ego boost as he thinks very little of himself and has low self esteem. Also he has suffered depression since a teenager, so i entered into the r/ship knowing this. His whole problem is his need to not feel a failure and in his eyes its how much money you have, not how many women.i do see how what you describe could be true of some situations but not in this. Ive been in a ltr of constant cheating. I know the signs. My DP never goes out, he is home from work early, spends his spare time at home and when he does go out its with me and kids.
I also think that moving out was to give him time on his own. Away from family, neighbour from hell, etc.
He told me yesterday that he had trusted me for 10 years and then i checked into his email. He has high expectations regards trust. Thats when emails from work colleage were mentuoned.

Threeandjustme Wed 07-Aug-13 14:30:15

Hi Mips
Thank you for the thread.
I am going through a very similar experience and your thoughts and feelings are so familiar.
No one else involved apparently but I feel so suspicious.
He just left and moved into a flat he had rented nearby without any discussion.
I want to move overseas to family but I think he will stop us. He will not say if he will I am to wait for a lawyers letter!

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 07-Aug-13 14:04:36

Can I make a few points re infidelity?

One is that many men who cheat in mid life will have been faithful for several years/decades.

Sometimes when a man with strong views on fidelity is attracted to someone else, he decides that the attraction must be real love - they find it hard to understand that we all can be attracted to other people at various points of our lives but we do not have to act on this.

The depression is a red flag as many cheat in order to self medicate - the feel good hormones/chemicals one get from having their ego boosted cannot be underestimated. It is possible that if he has not yet cheated, the woman at work may have stirred feelings leading to his decision to leave....

Also who brought up the topic re this woman yesterday?

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 13:46:19

You should have a msg now, Mips!

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 13:44:16

No. The post isnt hidden. Will try on ipad later.
Jb, i miss the company. I dont like being alone. We spent an awful lot of time together as he didnt have friends. Despite the problems, we shared similar interests and he made me laugh. He also loves the children

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 13:41:13

Mips, I'm pming you... you should get a little red flaggy thing. Or yellow maybe? Where it says inbox (which is grey at the moment!)

JustBecauseICan Wed 07-Aug-13 13:39:13

Money is a horrible horrible thing.

Do you know how much money he has lost?

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 13:33:16

Aw thanks donkey. I will go have a look.
Yes, you could be right. It is the stress trigger.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 13:31:35

The house he is living in, he bought as an investment. Its a wreck atm. The house i live in is joint. He is continuing to pay the mortgahe on it.
He admits to habe lost a bit on the market and he says he cant afford to do it any more.
Im not worrying about house equity atm. If the separation is final then i will have a solicitor look at it. I will however make some discrete enquiries. He is still paying the mortgage and bills here.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 07-Aug-13 13:28:36

The money could be #1 stress factor hence 'depression' for which he won't seek help.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 07-Aug-13 13:26:57

Mips have you been posting via mobile phone, have you accidentally touched the 'Hide' button? This might explain why you lost sight of the thread.

Check your settings, go on to 'Customise' and check Ignored Topics at the foot of the page, see if it's hidden.

JustBecauseICan Wed 07-Aug-13 13:19:36

Oh dear. I don't want to worry you further but I don't like the speculating on stock market/betting site thing.

You talk about "his" house. Is this the house he has moved into? Is the house you are living in "his" too?

What is it you miss?

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:58:34

Ha! He has just emailed me from work to ask a mundane question about the kids.
So he cant go a day without contact. What do i do?

Also, my post doesnt appear on the r/ships board and i cant find it on 'posts im on'. I only found it through a link a poster sent me. Any ideas?

Yv, id like to hear your story. You have been so helpful as have Viv, donkeys, justbecause and many more. Thank you all :0)

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:50:56

X post.
Im a bit confused about his setting out of our monetary affairs so yes i do have the number of a solicitor recommended by my friend. I received my tax credit forms yesterday.
Yes, he has spoiled their holidays and mine. I really needed a break too after a really hard term at school.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:46:35

Still feeling like i want him back. I miss him so much. My sister pointed out that i have never been without a man (3 ltr) and being on my own is alien to me. My DP was a bit of a rebound from my last ltr. So maybe i need to think about this. I do miss the good times though. Wish he could remember them.

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 12:46:00

Nice smooth legs and no nicks, thanks. Need to fake tan later for trip to beach tomorrow.
Get good and angry. Even if not on your own behalf, for your dcs. How dare he spoil their summer holidays like this? Is this the best father they deserve?

I'm not suggesting you decide to leave your dp but have you got any legal advice just in case? Is much harder to find time during term. I've spent 2 very productive weeks gathering info and asking questions. Hasn't cost me anything but I'm well armed now. You have dcs to protect. Don't leave things to drift without finding out exactly where you stand. You don't need to act on the knowledge but it's good to have it.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:38:12

Yvy, sorry for late reply. My sister came for a visit. Thank you for the anger (hope you got your legs shaved). I feel quite angry myself. He said he had been thinking of leaving for a while so why not tell me?! No word from him today but he is at work.

Donkeys, you are right. He has social anxiety. He likes his own company. He has one friend who lives a distance away.
I have planned to go to my sister's on Friday night. I also have a family event at the weekend. So keeping busy.
DP did ask if he could take the DC away for a few days to his family (live far away) but i said no. Right now the DC are keeping me sane (or semi-sane). Youngest has a playdate on Saturday. So may find somewhere for my eldest to go.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 12:26:20

Justbecause, i am certain. Being faithful is important to him and he has never given me reason before. I could see from his account there was nothing to worry about regards OW. Even his replies to this woman (who ive seen and i am not worried about her being a threat!). However, i am sure the secrecy is to do with money. He is obsessed with making money as he has a millionaire sibling to live up to. He says he feels a failure. Even now when living in his own house he keeps saying "how can i save more money?". He has lost quite a bit of money on the stock market and he has been on betting sites. Whilst he doesnt have a gambling problem, he does have a problem so to speak. This is what the privacy is all about. Money means more to him than life itself.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 07-Aug-13 11:37:43

I am glad you could assert you weren't "punishing" him by stating it's not fair for him to flit in and out.

However much space you give him, however much understanding you show, he has to help himself by seeing a GP and taking properly prescribed medication and/or arranging counselling. Too much space can be alarmingly close to becoming a recluse. If he rations time spent around you and DCs, does he also avoid others?

I agree with other posters, look after yourself. Any chance to think of yourself, pick up any hobbies or pastimes, fix up to see your own friends, when time permits. Many partners and parents put their outside lives on the back burner - I've done so myself - it won't stop you missing DP but gives an added dimension.

Have you anything planned for yourself on Friday?

Going back to work won't be the jolliest distraction but it will give structure to your week.

Next week it would be nice for you to have a block of time without the DCs. As has already been observed, going from a familiar two parent set up to a new arrangement whereby you are without warning now sole resident parent is a big shift, on top of the emotional earthquake. Space is quite a luxury with 10 and 6 y.o. DCs in the mix.

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 10:12:38

I luffs you too, JustBecause!
I've just been in the shower, scrubbing my hair, thinking " the blatant, downright, fecking CHEEK of that man. So, he doesn't want to wait til Friday to see the two dcs he just walked out on without a word? Shouldn't he have thought about that just a bit before he brought fecking domestic armageddon raining down on everybody else's head without so much as a 'by the way, I'm thinking of...' as a token gesture of courtesy?
Oooh. It made me so cross I couldn't shave my legs until I'd done my deep breathing "I'm a good person" mantra twice to calm myself.

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