a non sex related date is more nerve-wracking than one involving sex

[swallowedAfly]

am i insane or does anyone get it?

new guy who i met through friends when out and ended up spending the night with and all the next day and then meeting up again a few days later and it also involving spending the night.

much texting since and tonight we're meeting up for a quick drink as he's passing through where i live but can't stay for long.

why is this making me more nervous than going out both of us drinking and with sex inevitable at the end of it?

for a bit of context i very rarely see anyone and it is even rarer that they are nice, sorted, openly like me and don't seem to have issues about liking someone kind of man so i am feeling a bit... out of comfort zone maybe?

[swallowedAfly]

he also has a good job, lovely friends, a grown up car and nice teeth and shoes. i'm a fuck up aren't i? i am less comfortable with a decent guy liking me than some hopeless situation with a deadbeat

[swallowedAfly]

i actually should have booked a counselling session rather than starting a thread. i clearly need my head examining.

[Pippinlongsocks]

I have no relevant experience of this sort of situation to be able to advise you (goodness I'm bloody jealous though!). You are reacting to the unusual situatuion of something feeling great and cant quite believe it. why shouldnt it be though and why shouldnt you deserve it? If i was to find myself in a similar situ I would feel the same. Just let yourself live in the moment of it all and try to enjoy it. You sound perfectly sane to me. Have fun... Loads of it in fact!

[Twinklestein]

You've had sex & decided you like him. It's understandable you'd have nerves at this point. You've got more to lose now than when you first met him...

[Dahlen]

sorry to laugh at your discomfort, but it's quite sweet.

I think it's because when you're drinking and sex is on the agenda, you know you'll have some inhibition-lowered confidence and there is a goal where you know what you're doing. When you have to make conversation it's ironically much more personal because it's all about you. You can't hide it behind a tried-and-tested sex technique or an alcohol-fuelled laugh. You put your personality on the line and ask the question if he likes it. I think that's more nerve-wracking.

The reason you felt more comfortable around deadbeats is because you knew you were better than them, and that instantly made you feel like you had a good personality. Now you've met someone normal you're worrying he may feel about you what you felt about them. It's an unfounded but perfectly normal worry that I think most people feel when they start dating unless they have an ego the size of a planet.

Try not to over-think it too much and just enjoy. And remember that even if it doesn't work out, all that means is that you weren't compatible, not that you weren't good enough.

Have fun.

[buildingmycorestrength]

It is vulnerability, I think. The others are in a 'just sex' bit of your mind. This one you aren't sure if it is 'just sex'...maybe it is more.

[whitesugar]

Lucky old you! Enjoy yourself, he obviously likes you because he wants to see you again. It is natural to be nervous and everyone would be. He is probably nervous too. You have nothing to lose. You deserve good shoes, grown up car and nice friends. When you are there try to get strength knowing an awful lot of people who don't know you are rooting for you and sending you secret messages of love and support.

Dahlen, your comment about being comfortable around deadbeats really made me wince, it's a habit of mine and you have clarified it for me. That makes sense to me for the first time. I didn't realise why I did it and am now feeling less than proud of myself. Worth it though because a big fat light has just gone on! Thanks for insight.

ENJOY YOURSELF SWAF!

[swallowedAfly]

ah this is so sweet and helpful. much better than a counselling session.

dahlen i think you're quite wise there.

and yes the, 'he still wants to see you even though he hasn't got time to shag and has already shagged you' bit is when it really should be

i am a bit baffled though - he could get the kath kidston cup caking making type if he wanted it.

i am so over thinking.

[swallowedAfly]

BUT i'm actually very, very good at being drunk and amusing and sexy. not sure about the sit in a civilised pub garden chatting skills

[AndMiffyWentToSleep]

SAF, you don't appear to be drunk or sex-focused on MN yet come across as lovely and fun. So I reckon you'd be great at pub chatting!
It's scary 'cos he's nice and it isn't just about sex but scary is ok.
Have fun and report back!

[MoreThanWords]

Watching with interest as this is exactly the behaviour I am discussing with my counsellor! We've whittled it down to non existent low self esteem, growing up with no 'normal relationship' on display and no positive male role models.

[HairyGrotter]

Oooo I had exact same thoughts when I met DP! I've always gone for temperamental and selfish men, then I met DP who has a good job, great friends, normal, not a musician and I was totally nervous and thinking 'what in the hell does he see in me?!' But we're very happy, now living together and it's the best and most fucking normal/respectful relationship I've ever had, and if something were to happen to it, I would never date a deadbeat again!

Go, relax and enjoy!

[nkf]

You're nervous because you like him. Because he is a credible partner and not a deadbeat.

Lucky you. Nice man to go out with. Enjoy.

[cjel]

SAF. How dare you get nerves and doubt yourself. You promised me there would be someone nice for me as well. How can I believe you now you are doubting yourself?

[swallowedAfly]

i chuckled at 'not a musician'

miffy - thank you that is a kind thing to say.

morethanwords - yeah what you've whittled it down to you for you sounds pretty familiar to me.

i've woken up too early with a horrible hangover and a sense of shame that i'm not sure is down to the hangover or what i was like. will take a few hours and a couple of cups of coffee to work that out. guzzling wine on an empty stomach because you're nervous is not the best strategy in the world.

[swallowedAfly]

and what is it with pub wine that makes you so hungover? is it purely that you drink it faster or do they sneak something in there?

[cjel]

Oh dear, hope evening was a success though?

[swallowedAfly]

not sure about a success, it was survived and there was a bit of snogging. think both of us felt quite nervous actually.

and i do need therapy!

[cjel]

What sort of therapy you thinking? drink, sex, relationship, housework!!

[swallowedAfly]

i would like therapy where they put you to sleep, go in your head and heart and cleanse, massage and moisturise and put it all back together neatly then wake you up with a nice cup of coffee.

what's that called?

[cjel]

Ohh yess I'll come with you for that. forgotten the name though.

[lazarusb]

Hi SAF When I first met dh I tried to sabotage it repeatedly. He was way too nice. But he held out on me, wanted to be a gentleman. I nearly went mad waiting for him to try it on - he didn't, so I gave up and made myself very clear. So at least be thankful you're getting laid !

I think you 'like like' him, that's why you're so nervous. You know what, you're a nice person and deserve a nice man. Enjoy!

I think that kind of therapy would make millions (sadly).

[AndMiffyWentToSleep]

Ooh SAF, so excited that you survived, snogged and that he was nervous too!
Can I sign up for your therapy too - sounds great.
I hope the hangover passed quickly. When are you meeting up again?

[swallowedAfly]

next week presumably - he's taken his child away camping for a long weekend. unless it all goes quiet of course.

[swallowedAfly]

that therapy would be bloody wonderful wouldn't it? miss out all the talking and droning on about your childhood and traumatic experiences and just go for the full mental rinse cycle instead.