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Am I being emotionally abused very confused :/

(150 Posts)
Inthefog Thu 01-Aug-13 09:30:40

I'm a member but have name changed for this.
My husband has basically been caught cyber cheating on me a few times these were a few years ago but i only found out recently.
He was also flirting and messaging women at work all this info was drop fed to me over the past two years.
Which is why I think I'm still here he is the last person you would think would cheat although he says he never cheated physically the stuff I read and found was disgusting.
February he smashed the house up because I went out without him smashed up my things.
Recently his behaviour has gotten worse he constantly checks my phone and logs into my Facebook accuses me of having affairs and looking at other men.
A few nights ago I went out to watch a show and he said he wanted sex when I got home , my younger sister wanted to stay over and he went ballistic like a lunatic going mad saying 'he wanted pussy' and how would he get it with my sister here. He argued on me for a good hour over this in the end my sister did not stay.

When I got home he got out of bed and sat waiting for me I said I didn't want it had been at work all day and had been out and was tired but he jus wouldn't listen said he wanted it etc. I ended up just walking upstairs like a robot and lay there I didn't want it an after he goes that doesn't count what just happened you made me feel like I raped you.
The sex thing is a constant thing that happens I say no but he still gets his way and I end up doing it.

He blows up for the slightest thing he's meant to be going out next week with his friends and our children are staying in Wales with their nan I said I might go out to but he just went mental over it saying I can't go
Out. I'm taking the piss thinking I can go
Out again and he would rather us go out together instead as he feels he can't go out now as he will be worrying where I am all night.
We went to a wedding and he accused me of looking a other men all might an had a huge row when we got home.

He never used to be like this but since I caught him out with his cheating he's just getting worse he actually told me the other day he wa going to burn my face with acid if I leave him so I'm scarred for life.
He made out it was a joke afterwards but it was far from funny to me. He sits there staring at me even while I watch TV and when I ask him to stop he says he does it because I'm so beautiful.
The other night we were watching something and a woman was being drowned and again he said he was going to do that to me.
Just last night he Said if I ever leave him thy he will stab me in the face.
I went to bed early and he was moaning about that and started arguing on me again about next weekend he said its my fault and I know how to push his buttons.

I start to dread him coming home he's like a man possessed with me I'm so bloody embarrassed I don't know how it's got to this after ten years together.
I feel like its maybe this is normal and Im blowing it up an making it worse than what it is.
I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated like this but thought we could get past it but if anything his behaviour has got worse.

He blows up over the slightest thing I do that upsets him an he he said he's wrote down everytime I've gone out. He really treats me likes sex object a lot to and says derogatory things to me.
He's not the man I married I'm 27 now I feel trapped I just want to get out but I've got no where to go and he puts on such a nice act all the time I'm really confused of what he's doing is normal or not.

I know this is a ramble but had to tell someone what's going on thank you

Inthefog Tue 10-Sep-13 06:52:37

Thank you girls feel a little better today yesterday was a bad day for me.
I am going to talk to the police he has been arrested twice now. Than you

AllOverIt Tue 10-Sep-13 07:34:53

You've done the right thing. Stay strong.

We're here for you.

AllOverIt Tue 10-Sep-13 07:36:58

Keep a diary of everything he has been doing. Speak to Woman's Aid, the police, a solicitor.

Ignore people who tell you to go back to him. You're only 27, you're so young.

Good luck smile

mothermirth Tue 10-Sep-13 07:56:06

Inthefog you are doing the right thing. You are a strong woman. Please stay away from this man. He will only do you harm.

You have been very brave. Stay brave. smile

Jux Tue 10-Sep-13 09:20:52

Good decision, Inthefog. What have the police said this time? Oh, and while you're making calls, ring Women's Aid too; ot only will they give you rl support and the opportunity to talk to someone who knows what it's like, but they can recommend a solicitor for you too.

One step after another. Keep going. You can do it.

Oscarandelliesmum Tue 10-Sep-13 10:52:27

thank god you are leaving op.
I second the poster above. don't believe anything he tells you and don't let him anywhere near the kids ... He sounds very dangerous indeed, I too am scared for you all. All the red flags are screaming that he views you as a possession and therefore possibly the dc also . This is exactly the kind of person that kidnaps the children or worse if he is losing his power.

Oscarandelliesmum Tue 10-Sep-13 11:04:33

sorry posted too soon. Wanted to add that you sound really wonderful. Dont listen to the apologists. As AF says they should be grateful they don't know what they are talking about. Are the locks on your house changed yet?
My blood runs cold at the thought of him there while you sleep .

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 11:52:38

Listen, I've been there. I got worn down by harassment. Had the same thought as you. I let him back in. His behaviour escalated. I got him out again but a lit of family and friends, the same ones he had used as a mouthpiece to get me back, turned their backs on me. The police where way less sympathetic because I went back to him. Please don't do it. I have no contact orders, restraining orders and he is keeping away. He presented as crazy and unstoppable and I almost gave into all of his demands because I truly believed it was the only way. Harassment wears you down and you need to block him out to get your strength back. Please be strong. I will be happy to message you with the legal steps I took and that was, eventually, without the support of the police.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 11:53:40

Sorry about errors, can't preview on my phone.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 12:00:33

Like Oscar says, it does sound like a risk of abduction. The ex I talked about did abduct our dd. You can apply for a residency order even without any contact or family court proceedings. This will take away the power he probably feels he has as the kids' dad and help keep them safe. in my experience those who try to act beyond the law need a definite reminder that they are not.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 12:03:36

Women's aid will put you in touch with a shit hit lawyer whi has seen it all before. The family lawyers I used independently were rubbish.

Inthefog Tue 10-Sep-13 13:52:31

Thank you so much I haven't been able to contact the police yet as my youngest is really poorly today.
I will do it tomorrow though and yes I did change the locks but they weren't changed when he broke in.
He just rang me asking how the kids were and thought he heard a man in the back ground I'm by myself so I told him that he kept asking who it was didn't believe I was on my own.
I spoke took this morning she told me not to have him back so scary starting again like this I go through all these emotions I'm strong one minute and crumbling the next.
The longer I'm away from him the more I realise I was not happy before I'm not happy now but really wasn't happy then either.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 14:52:39

Mine heard a child jumping in the bed while I spoke to him and accused me of having sex whilst on the phone to him!? Then of course you get trapped into explaining and desperately trying to defend yourself against these ludicrous, paranoid claims I am going to pm you.

HoopersGinger Tue 10-Sep-13 14:55:19

Missed a full stop there!

Oscarandelliesmum Tue 10-Sep-13 15:39:25

You are amazingly strong, even if you feel that you are crumbling. Keep tight hold of the knowledge that you are doing the right thing.

Tiptops Tue 10-Sep-13 16:09:43

You have been so brave and strong to have left inthefog Your opening post is awful, you do not deserve to be treated that way.

I too am scared for the safety of yourself and your children. I really hope some sort of non-molestation/ restraining order can be gained against your ex very soon. In the meantime, is there anyone who can stay with you and your DC? At the absolute minimum I think you need a third party present when he turns up.

Tiptops Tue 10-Sep-13 16:09:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiptops Tue 10-Sep-13 16:09:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux Tue 10-Sep-13 17:07:26

Brilliant, well done Inthefog!

Can you get a new sim for your phone? Keep the old one for contact with him, but use the new one for everyday use and don't give him the number. Tell him that you will only communicate with him about contact, and that will be by text. Ignore all other attempts from him to communicate with you. Get advice about contact asap, as it would be better if there were none until supervision can be sorted out.

Keep all texts from him. Try to record him if he turns up - but call the police if he does. DO NOT EVER LET HIM IN THE HOUSE AGAIN, of he wants pee he can use a tree, if he wants a drink he can get one from the shop, just do not let him in, and do not be alone with him. If you must meet face to face (and you don't have to) make sure it's in a busy public place.

You're doing fabulously. Keep going, it will be worth it.

AnyFucker Tue 10-Sep-13 17:34:17

What Jux said. Hoping you stay strong and stay safe.

Inthefog Wed 11-Sep-13 07:48:16

Thank you so much! Xx

hellsbellsmelons Wed 11-Sep-13 10:14:25

Let us know how it goes with the police and don't forget to contact Womens Aid as well.
Keep strong and keep going - well done!

HoopersGinger Thu 12-Sep-13 23:37:08

Hi, hope you're safe and well OP.

Ruprekt Sat 14-Sep-13 20:53:12

Hope you are ok NotInTheFogAnymore smilesmilesmilethanksthanksthanks

Inthefog Sat 05-Oct-13 14:59:57

Thread update I'm still alone smile thankfully he has calmed down and apparently said he's on a dating site now.
He still messages me a lot the same old bollocks as always I've had friends and family asking me to give him another chance and I'm breaking up a family etc etc
Think everyone is forgetting all the stuff he's done to me and only remember the good parts which there was a lot of but there was a lot of bad to.

I miss being in a couple though but amazed at how many men who were friendly when I was married have now asked me out and said I was way to good for him everyone could see it but me. My X calls me selfish , whore , bad mother on a regular basis I look to others for reassurance that I'm not any of those things but do feel selfish on the kids like I put my own happiness first and that guilt may never go away.
He had EA for three years of our marriage and that's only the ones I knew about I'm sure there's more somewhere that's aside from his abusive behaviour.

He's lost his job aswell so I'm getting no money off him at all which is hard.
I question myself have I done the right thing what if I meet someone who's worse etc etc but figured would rather live alone that live like that anymore.

I'm enjoying myself again started going out at weekends went in two dates. People are saying to give him a second chance but I gave him chances I still have love for him though can't wait till that goes away but more than anything I feel pity for him which is sad I think.

Anyway thankyou for all your support u helped me get out for which I can never thankyou enough x

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