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Abusive ex has reared his ugly head again :(. Need advice please!

(86 Posts)
mosp Wed 31-Jul-13 15:26:10

I ran away from dangerous h in 2003 when dds were 0 and 2. They have no direct experience of his abuse.

Since then, I have always made sure that any contact takes place in a contact centre (many reasons, one being that I don't trust him to safely return them, and he lives normally in Nigeria so it would be extremely hard to get them back to safety).

Apart from the contact centre, I have made no other stipulations or ever prevented him from seeing them or otherwise contacting them.

His last visit to them was about 6 years ago.
Very occasionally he calls them and has sent them money every so often (with gaps of literally years!)

He is still abusive towards me if he gets the tiniest chance so I have blocked his email and I refuse to deal directly with him - he needs to make arrangements via solicitor (no prob for him financially; he's loaded)

The thing now is that I have heard from sources that he is in the uk and wants to see the dds. He has stated that he will not use a contact centre.

The reason I know is that he called the minister of my church and sent an email. I was informed of this and I suggested that he be reminded (think broken record) that if he wants to arrange contact he needs to contact his solicitor.

About 5 years ago he took me to court about contact and the outcome was clear - he has to use a contact centre.

I hope you have made it this far...

Today I arrive home to find that I have missed a recorded delivery letter addressed to my dds (now 10 and 12). I know for certain what he will have written. He will be asking them if they want to see him not in a CC.

Now I don't know what to so for the best. I will have to fetch the letter and give it to them. They may well state that they do want to see him not in a CC. They have no experience of the truth about him because they've been protected all their lives.

However, if I insist on the CC, I look like the controlling one.

I know that ex wishes to paint me as a vengeful and bitter ex but my ONLY desire is to keep my dds safe.

What shall I do?

Chibbs Tue 20-Aug-13 10:28:20

keep safe.

bibliomania Tue 20-Aug-13 09:52:44

With the new wife, if she's from a powerful Nigerian family, maybe he's got to keep himself a bit more in check.

Hope the ordeal is nearly over for you!

mosp Tue 20-Aug-13 08:01:31

No, I still don't know whether they could. As far as I know, they only have British passports which are safe with me. To be honest, he has enough money to find an illegal way to get them out the country, so my main concern is to ensure they don't go with him in the first place!

Feeling much better today!!!

With regards to new wife, I know I shouldn't' try to rationalise something that is not rational. I can't help it though sad

BerylStreep Mon 19-Aug-13 12:24:03

Glad he hasn't made any approach so far.

If he is leaving today, perhaps best to be ultra cautious today, just in case.

I can't remember now, did you ever speak to UKBA about being alert to any children accompanying him when travelling? Did you ever clarify with the Nigerian embassy whether children can travel on a Nigerian parent's passport, or if they need their own?

In terms of wife no 2, who knows what kind of hell she is going through. But he has probably filled her head with so many lies about how dreadful you were, that she maybe feels she has to stay to prove something. I don't think it is worth your while trying to understand something that isn't rational.

Keep safe, and don't let your guard down after you think he has left.

omaoma Sat 17-Aug-13 23:01:49

re your questions about your ex, there's a gpd phrase: 'there's no accounting for nutters'. really, you can't rationalise the interior landscape of somebody who is not adhering to any of the boundaries or ideas you understand. you can't explain him or understand him or his relationships with other people and trying to is just giving him headspace he doesn't deserve.
and no, he hasn't changed. he really really hasn't.

mosp Sat 17-Aug-13 22:30:38

Thing is, if he is the same as he was with me, then 'putting up' is not an option. I did literally everything to try to pacify him and give him what he wanted, but he still forced excuses to fight me. His violence got ever worse. He crossed more boundaries almost daily. He threatened to kill me and brandished weapons. I left before I got killed. How is wife #2 still alive??? It's baffling!!

fifi669 Sat 17-Aug-13 22:25:40

If its cultural and she's also Nigerian maybe she puts up with it because she thinks she had to...

mosp Sat 17-Aug-13 22:21:06

I am still going to be cautious for weeks! The whole thing has made me scared and uptight, especially as he doesn't always do what he says he's going to do. He's totally unreliable.

Dd1 is away for a week next week, so at least I'll know she's in a safe place.

The thoughts (questions) going on in my head right now are:

If ex was such a classic abuser (he was textbook), how is it he's still married to wife #2? I wish I could be a fly on the wall to know whether she lives in the same danger and turmoil that I did. Could he have really changed? If he has, why does he carry on trying to intimidate me? Why not just see his girls like a proper loving dad would? How much of his bad attitude towards women is cultural? If it is cultural, then why is he so textbook? How does she stay with him? Did he treat me so badly because I'm British?

So many questions sad

I don't suppose I'll ever get to the bottom of it!

Hissy Sat 17-Aug-13 22:10:28

Phew! Keep your guard up till you're sure?

fifi669 Sat 17-Aug-13 21:39:58

I wouldn't be surprised if a man such as him would tell your church he's leaving Monday so you feel safe...

Luckily I think by telling your DC to be aware, not to go off with him etc you've made it very difficult for him to snatch them.

It sounds proper shit. Totally feel for you and wishing it all ends quickly with him naffing off and not returning again.

omaoma Sat 17-Aug-13 19:53:55

have been lurking mosp, glad to hear you are still there reeeeeally hoping with you that he is buggering off as promised.
it is for sure for the best that your girls have a clear picture of what he is like and are forewarned.
hugs x

mosp Sat 17-Aug-13 19:35:31

Just a quick update in case anyone interested:
We are still ok and if ex has told truth to my church people, he's leaving on Monday!
He has not been seen by any of us. He has not arranged to see the girls.
They are upset, but it is probably all for the best that they find out first hand what he is really like.
There is ton going on in my head atm. Maybe I'll post about it later, either on this thread or on a new one.

DPotter Sat 03-Aug-13 11:27:58

This must be so worrying for you mosp

I second the idea of a call to your church - they shouldn't be giving out any information about any members without explicit permission.

British children can no longer be added to a parent's passport; they are required to hold their own. This was introduced some years ago to help prevent estranged parents removing children without permission from the UK. I don't know about rules on Nigerian passports.
If you don't have passports for your children - it might be worth applying for them, as either parent can apply - all you need is a birth certificate and photos. Then you know you have the passports - one less thing to worth about.

mummytime Fri 02-Aug-13 22:22:30

On hotmail click on junk (or maybe more then junk; it depends on the browser/computer). From my iPad it is hard to block addresses it is much easier from the main computer it is much easier.

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 10:08:25

excellent post isetan
especially re. making sure the dcs know this is not their responsibility.
i am sure mosp that you already do tell them this but i think it cannot be said to often that none of this is their fault. it is about his behaviour nite about them as people.

^ ^ see I am not putting this very well as tis is one i struggle with for my dcs. trying to make them see they are loved and wonderful and it is not any lack in them that makes their nsdf a FW.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 02-Aug-13 07:35:31

Are you sure that he lied re passport? He may have been allowed to keep it. A quick google reveals dual citizenship is allowed in nigeria.

I think you need to speak to a specialist to find out exactly what all his options are. If he has dual citizenship could he relocate here and bring his wife, if he doesn't, how long can he stay, etc etc.
If you know then you can plan for all eventualities.

Isetan Fri 02-Aug-13 05:17:25

Nigeria is not a signatory to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction and even if they were, he has money and corruption is rife in Nigeria so not to be relied upon.

There is a useful information guide created by Reunite if you fear child abduction (the bit on the end refers to dual nationality).

Good luck.

Isetan Fri 02-Aug-13 04:55:17

As Hissy said, tell your church that under no circumstances are they to act as intermediaries, and in future, they are to respect your privacy by not confirming your whereabouts to anybody without your explicit permission. If he really wants to see his kids, he will get a lawyer and agree to a contact centre. Ignore him and his letters, only respond to letters from a solicitor and only then with a solicitor's letter, do not start a precedent by communicating directly.

I have been insisting on a contact centre for three years (never been to one because Ex hasn't made the effort) and I have refused any request to see DD outside the safety of that environment.

Your children don't need to hear the grizzly details but they do need some kind of explanation as to what happened; age appropriate language and detail, be neutral (no slagging off) and unemotional as possible. Your children would have probably devised their own explanation for why things are the way they are and often their imaginings are unrelated to the reality.

These &^%$£wits are weak and pathetic and feed off our angst, reiterate your boundaries (in your case the contact centre), communicate the consequences of overstepping these boundaries and follow through.

The saddest thing for me is supporting DD in managing her expectations of her father. It is imperative that she knows that she is not responsible for him and what he did or doesn't do is is his responsibility.

A contact centre is an understandable precaution and he is a fool not grasp the opportunity. To paraphrase Malcolm Tucker, he needs to "step the f**k-up or f**k the f**k off.

zipzap Fri 02-Aug-13 00:57:22

Is it worth contacting the Nigerian embassy and saying you are worried that your ex might try to abduct your dd's and see if they can provide any Nigeria specific advice?

Maybe they will be able to tell you if he has got passports for the girls or added them to his passport. Can he do things like get a Nigerian court to award him custody in Nigeria that the embassy will help him with despite the fact that English courts awarded you custody. Or have they signed up to the right conventions so your rights are protected?

minkembernard Fri 02-Aug-13 00:49:35

if you cannot block him then try to make a rule that dumps any email from him.into another folder. e.g. mark as spam or make a folder just for him.
it may actually be worth keeping some email in case you need it for evidence.

mosp Fri 02-Aug-13 00:09:55

He has both. When he received his British one, he was required to send back his Nigerian one, but he lied that he'd lost it and now he has both.
However, his current wife won't have a British passport. They normally reside in Nigeria.

The thing that is bothering me at this moment is that I can't work out how to block him on Hotmail. I have googled it, but it tells me to click 'options' and there is no option called 'options'!!! I was convinced I already did it months and months ago! It is definitely the same address he's used. Anyone about to advise?

MariaLuna Fri 02-Aug-13 00:01:31

Does he have a Nigerian passport as well as an English one?

Is he living in UK with his new wife, or Nigeria?

You don't need to answer any of these questions, more a case of you knowing how much of a threat he is to you (if he is here or there more).
Oh, and surely if he has a UK passport and is living here you have the law on your side, i.e. non-molestation order, stalking laws, etc.

Anyway, he said he wanted to take them on country walks, etc.? How's he going to do that in a contact centre, eh?

Don't let him bully you!

skyeskyeskye Thu 01-Aug-13 23:53:34

I agree to contact Women's Aid and see what advice and help you can get from them. You have done the tight thing in informing the police.

If he wants to see them he can, through the contact centre. You are doing everything that you can to protect them.

MariaLuna Thu 01-Aug-13 23:47:53

Yes, what is the passport situation? Do your DDs have them, (do you?) are they on yours on his??
(I presume not as you have residency, but then I don't live in UK anymore so barely a clue about those kind of laws).

It could be simple for him to add them to his at the embassy - don't want to scare you! -

My son has automatic right to nationality of his father's country.

It could be in your interest to get in touch with a lawyer at Reunite. (As I presume they would have that kind of info at hand).

cestlavielife Thu 01-Aug-13 23:45:04

He hasn't seen them for six years right so is a stranger to them .
So any contact must be properly supervised.
It is a s simple as that.
If he gets angry over that then tough .

If he will only be in uk very short time you can ride it out...

If he turns up at door call police.

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