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Does anyone else's partner.... never stay out later than 9pm??? Aaaagh!!

(76 Posts)
SweetSeraphim Tue 30-Jul-13 21:34:30

I know I am probably BU.

I love him dearly. But he's ALWAYS HERE. He goes out so very rarely, and rushes home as soon as possible to start making noise at me angry

I had the house to myself this evening. For 2 WHOLE HOURS. And I resent him coming home so quickly. I resent never having any length of time alone, I need it. I've tried to explain this to him, but he doesn't seem to understand. He says he does, but he clearly doesn't, or lese he would leave me alone sometimes!

I sound like a right bitch. But it is driving me up the fucking wall.

What do you do with these men? Give me some fucking space will you? Does it sound like too much to ask??

SweetSeraphim Sat 03-Aug-13 21:34:02

Merlot I am going to look for that book RIGHT NOW smile

joan - that's me, that is. He must see my face light up when he says he's going out and be really hurt. Hopefully I show him how much I love him in other ways smile

joanofarchitrave Sat 03-Aug-13 17:57:29

' I often wonder if I ever should be with anyone, I never tire of my own company, and rarely, when I get it, it's never enough. So he probably can't win... Poor bloke. I see loads of women on here complaining that their OH goes out all the time, and I'm envious. That's wrong isn't it?'

Oh this is totally me. I do worry that I'm not really capable of a proper relationship, so it's nice to hear that it's not just me that perks up massively when dh talks of going out somewhere. Thank goodness our door lock takes quite a bit of opening, so when I hear his key in the door at 9pm, I have a few moments to rearrange my face to 'happy to see you'.

I do love him, honestly.

MerlotforOne Sat 03-Aug-13 17:44:49

OP, I'm also an introvert married to an extravert. Please believe me that it's likely that he genuinely cannot understand why this is so important to you. I would strongly recommend 'Quiet' by Susan Cain. I read it, then DH read it and it's helped us understand each other so much better, so that he now actively helps me get my quiet time and we make more of an effort to spend quality time together.

Good luck.

SweetSeraphim Sat 03-Aug-13 15:06:19

Erm actern - we're just all different, the same as you are? Nothing like a bit of sweeping generalisation, is there? hmm

arctern57 Sat 03-Aug-13 03:18:35

Mein Gott. As a man, I was probably the other way. My (then) wife was always onto me to stay in. So that she could demonstrate the cold shoulder, big style.
You ladies never cease to amaze me. Hence my now life, in sublime solitude.

delilahlilah Fri 02-Aug-13 21:26:52

Could you possibly 'treat him' to a day out / weekend away like the experiences you can buy - flying lesson / racing car driving etc etc they cover so many things even cookery / photography and many more
If anything matches up to an interest for him, he might even pursue it for himself as a hobby later giving you some freedom?

SweetSeraphim Fri 02-Aug-13 16:16:45

Oh it would break my heart, truly. Sometimes I think it really is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things - there are so many good things about our relationship... but then I don't get a minute to myself for weeks and weeks and I just get resentful over it.

I certainly wouldn't consider ending it because of this. I just wish he'd understand.

OneMoreChap Fri 02-Aug-13 13:59:39

Well, we can hardly say LTB, can we - but if he makes you so unhappy wanting to be with you (cf. I have told him that I need time alone in order to be happy - he listens and then promptly continues to behave in the same way) maybe you'd better tell him to leave:

I resent never having any length of time alone, I need it.
Give me some fucking space will you?

I sound like a right bitch.

I think the phrase is harsh but true. You do, a bit, but you recognise
it really isn't him, it's me.

All you can do, I think is persist in encouraging him to give you space; if you make too much of a fuss, he may well think you're firing him and leave anyway. Which would be sad, on balance?

crazyhead Wed 31-Jul-13 21:13:20

I do think that quite a lot of men get a girlfriend/wife and then have no interest in their other friends/social life and are quite pleased to jack it in! Odd isn't it?

Me and my OH hardly go out at the moment because we have a toddler, I'm preg and we're doing a big house renovation which involves us working constantly. Naturally I'm more of a goer-outer than he is. But I never mind him being in because within the house, we give each other space. I have a bath or read in one room, he is in another - I do the garden, he does stuff in another. He's a deeply unobtrusive person and though I am chatty when I am being social, I am a quiet presence too. I like knowing he is there and feel I have space.

However - I have a decorator in at the moment who is a noisy presence. When I work from home, he is constantly popping in to say or ask stuff/muttering to himself. He just seems to be one of those people that is constantly 'there'. I really feel crowded by him in the house although he is a nice person and I feel guilty saying it. What it sounds like to me SweetSeraphim is that your bloke is a bit of a noisy presence too. Could you just set some space rules somehow? It would do my head in too but I'm not sure it is just about staying in.

MaitreKarlsson Wed 31-Jul-13 20:53:36

Don't be depressed! I'm just the same - everything else great with us. This is only a minor rant but just good to let off steam!
Better go - he's back - it's 8:50!! grin

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 20:37:51

Oooh I'm a bit depressed now. I feel bad, what if he read the thread? He'd be gutted and wouldn't understand.

It's true what someone said up there, it really isn't him, it's me.

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 20:33:26

Thanks so much for all this brilliant advice!

Caster I don't think it was a cause of the breakup tbh - and I have told him that I need time alone in order to be happy - he listens and then promptly continues to behave in the same way.

ofmice you are so right in some of the things you say. I often wonder if I ever should be with anyone, I never tire of my own company, and rarely, when I get it, it's never enough. So he probably can't win.

Poor bloke. I see loads of women on here complaining that their OH goes out all the time, and I'm envious. That's wrong isn't it?

Thing is, I love him. He is a really, really good man and we love each other very much. It's just this.

MaitreKarlsson Wed 31-Jul-13 18:26:12

Great thread Seraphim, very helpful, hadnt realised so many others were feeling the same! Yes Krunk, what is it with the talking - its always something really complex about his job while we are doing kids tea/hairwashing/teeth cleaning. He also pauses regularly to check I'm keeping up. Then when i don't remember the fine details several days later he gets annoyed!
Good advice on here though. Cerubina - i was just the same pre-kids, think i expected the kids to change things but his behaviour is probably more of a change. Maybe our other halves feel a bit squeezed out with kids.
Worcester - you are right of course. I normally do hide any annoyance very well. I guess better communication is what is needed!
OfMice - good plan but to be fair we do go out together quite a bit and talk a lot...I dont find it makes much difference to the day-to-day need.
The main thing that works for me, I'm afraid, is heading to a parent's house for a long weekend with kids as I get a bit more space there!

ofmiceandmen Wed 31-Jul-13 17:59:50

At the risk of sounding awkward, this is how it reads to an outsider -
You spend a lot of time out with friends, you work, you have a very social life outside without your DP, and when he gets home early it frustrates you.
So it's not really "you" time you want. it's more less "him" time.

Is this equivalent to "I love my kids but sometimes I wish i could just have time alone"
He's joined the ranks of 'needers' in your life.

Well it works with the kids because you know they'll one day come of age and leave, so that end date helps you accept their needs. But if this man is to be a long term fixture, you know it will never end.

Why not flip it. stop concentrating on the non important times. rather plan time together.
Date night wednesday. where he has you all to himself, you both listen and talk. just focus on each other. fill his boots.

You may be surprised that after that he will be less 'clingy, needy'

So far you're feeding each other scraps and wonder why you are both (in your own ways) insecure.

Lizzabadger Wed 31-Jul-13 17:36:55

I am with you, OP. I have to have regular time alone else I go nuts. I think you just have to have a frank conversation with him. If he can't be out of the house maybe at least he could go and use the computer for a few hours some evenings and give you space.

Caster8 Wed 31-Jul-13 17:15:00

Had a reread of you earlier post.
His exw accused him of neglecting her if he didnt spend all his time with her.

Was that a reason for the break up?
And he is afraid that you will accuse him of the same thing, so he keeps following you everywhere?

Tada! [though that of course could be way off the mark]!.

motherinferior Wed 31-Jul-13 17:00:39

I am, for once, appreciating Mr Inferior reading this thread grin. We very rarely spend an evening together in the same room. It is bliss. Very occasionally we'll watch something on the telly that we both like, but sometimes he looks at me when we're doing it shock. Fortunately, we then both revert to spending time in separate rooms.

Cerubina Wed 31-Jul-13 16:55:40

I recognise a lot of this too - I'm an introvert and married to an extrovert who isn't clingy as such, but nonetheless I am his major source of social activity so he rarely goes out without me. As I work 4 days a week and we have two young children, my need for 'me time' is absolutely acute all the time and I feel almost primal about personal space and recharging time.

My personal theory on it (and a major generalisation it is too) is that women tend to juggle more of a variety of thoughts every day than men do (paid employment, childcare, being a spouse, dealing with wider family and domestic matters) whereas men tend to do one role at a time in quite a linear fashion. So they're never at work thinking "I must remember to buy x a birthday card at lunchtime, oh and Billy needs more socks, and when will be the right time to start potty training, and have I paid that bill..." as well as actually doing their job too.

If you're an extrovert woman, you can probably do all of the above and pass straight into your evening at home without the need for clearing your head of all the noise, but if you're an introvert then you do need a little bit of time each day when the rest of the noise is switched off and you're just "you".

So whereas my husband can come home from work and step straight into his domestic/fatherly/husbandly role, and actively wants to start chatting about the day, I'm sitting there desperate to draw breath from the children-work-children melee that was the first 13 hours and just "be" for 10 minutes.

Before the children came along, I had far more gaps in my day for that to happen and so it's only something I've noticed in the last couple of years. But it needs adjusting for somehow in order to keep me sane - what's tricky is finding the compromise when being alone or not alone is such a binary distinction!

KatieScarlett2833 Wed 31-Jul-13 16:44:46

Can't you make him understand its not him it's you?
After many years of similar behaviour DH finally understands that as an introvert I need time to decompress. I have claimed a room in our house with all my books, sky, etc. that's where I go to relax.
DH is welcome to come up for a cuddle wink but his man space is downstairs. This means we both get to do/watch what we want in our own space. We are very happy grin

SerotoninCanEatTomorrow Wed 31-Jul-13 16:28:52

Carolra were you with my ex?

He was exactly the same down to the now surfing and everything!

worsestershiresauce Wed 31-Jul-13 16:20:06

Although it's nice to have some alone time, be careful about the message you give out. You don't want your DP to feel unwelcome or unwanted at home. I inadvertently did this to DH. It was one of many things in a long catalogue of misunderstandings that nearly destroyed our marriage. He'd cancel a night out at the last minute expecting me to be pleased to see him, and I'd be a bit grumpy seeing my night in watching rubbish TV with an M&S dinner going out of the window.

Schedule some me time, talk about it, but think about you'd feel if your DP looked pi55ed off to see you when you walked in the door. Pretty unwanted I'd guess.

WeGotTheKrunk Wed 31-Jul-13 16:17:22

Although that doesn't stop him from talking absolute bollocks at me when he can see I'm in the middle of something and trying to concentrate

^ This!

I'm starting to wonder whether all of our husbands / partners are in some sort of anti-socialness club together. But not the type where they ever have meet-ups, obviously.

SweetSeraphim Wed 31-Jul-13 16:01:00

Oh Maitre I do sympathise! It's so frustrating. You do exactly what I do when mine goes out, and then he comes back after an hour and a half hmm and I could scream.

What prompted this post was that this happened last night - and when he came back so soon, my disappointment was palpable. And that's why I feel so awful about all this. Although that doesn't stop him from talking absolute bollocks at me when he can see I'm in the middle of something and trying to concentrate angry

MaitreKarlsson Wed 31-Jul-13 15:50:01

Oh OP, so glad to read your post - I could have written it! The talking at me all the time...the upset-ness if I go to bed early...I wonder if its a form of possessiveness.
He does go out regularly but it's just not often enough for me! I have lots of stuff I want to do alone and never manage to get time on my own to do it.
Last week he was out for what was scheduled to be a long-ish night. I was so excited -put kids to bed, tidied up, cooked quick supper - sat down at pc - then in he walks at 8.10 as it had finished early. I was so annoyed I couldn't hide it - packed him off to watch sport upstairs. I think he got the message. wink

garlicagain Wed 31-Jul-13 15:38:09

Someone else may have suggested this - I've only read your posts; sorry. It's an adaptation of something I used to do when travelling alone. Find a nearby cafe, pub, library, art gallery, beauty salon, gym ... some place where you feel calm, comfortable, quiet and unmolested: a place that suits your purpose. This will be your "study". Make a regular appointment with it. Tell everyone it's your quiet time, and go there as scheduled.

I would have suggested adapting a room/garage/shed/attic in your home, but it's not going to work, is it? Physical distance will provide the separation you crave, I think smile

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