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What would you make of this?

(47 Posts)
Cutitup Tue 30-Jul-13 20:48:08

We had a female friend to stay with us for a couple of nights recently who is mostly a friend of DHs. She is divorced and a bit of a party animal. We see her about once a year.

On Saturday,her second night staying with us, we all went to a bbq and everyone got very merry. When we returned to the house at 10pm, I decided to stay home and put the kids to bed (12 yr olds). My DH and this woman went to the pub to carry on partying (I encouraged this as I wanted to go to bed). I woke up at 1am with my DH coming into the room to kiss me goodnight and I fell straight back asleep, assuming he was coming to bed.

About 15 minutes later, I sensed that he wasn't in bed so I got up to search for him. He was nowhere to be found in the house (or garden) I looked at the guest bedroom door and thought: NO! So I opened the door and gave them both the shock of their lives! He was sitting on the floor beside her bed about 4 feet away with his robe on and she was lying in bed naked under the covers. He immediately stood up and clutched his robe around him as if he was hiding something. I couldn't see. If he hadn't reacted that way, I would have thought that they were just chatting.

I basically went ballistic. I tore the covers off her (she was naked but - she always sleeps naked so nothing special there) and started screaming at them both to get out of the house. I then had a physical encounter with my DH in our bedroom across the hall during which I punched him in the eye (not proud of this). I was so upset and worried that I'd woken the kids that I went immediately to make sure they were asleep. They were all ok. I sat outside for two hours thinking my relationship was over. I went back upstairs to confront him but he was fast asleep in a stupor so I dragged the bedclothes off him and went to sleep in the living room.

The next morning, after he woke up freezing, he came into the living room to find me (he had the beginnings of a major shiner) all bewildered as to what had happened. When I told him, he pretty much almost threw up. I was crying hysterically (with a nose bleed too, - nice!) and he was full of remorse and practically sobbing saying that he couldn't believe he had done something like that. I know he doesn't fancy her so it's nothing like that. He says he has no idea how he came to be in her room. I think she called him into her room after he brushed his teeth and things went from there. I certainly don't believe that he went in there unbidden.

We stayed in the bedroom talking with him trying to reassure me. He went into her room and asked her to leave at about 6am but she was so hungover that she couldn't move and was totally passed out. We stayed in our room talking and she eventually did leopard crawl out of the house sometime later so we never saw her again.

I am playing this over and over in my mind. Nothing happened. But it could have happened. He is full of remorse and if anything, is more loving and caring than ever. I know he doesn't fancy her. He has agreed that she is never welcome in our lives again. I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. He has also had to go to work with a black eye for which I am (mostly) sorry. She sent me a facebook message to say that she was sorry that a lovely weekend ended that way.

I have de-friended her.

I think I should just forget about but it's eating away at me.

Dahlen Wed 31-Jul-13 10:25:23

This sounds very bizarre TBH and I think several things need to happen.

Are you prone to fits of rage? The jumping up startled thing could be an instinctive reaction from someone bursting the door open in anger. The door could have been closed because they believed you and the DC to be asleep and didn't want to disturb you chatting.

That said, for some reason the fact that she was naked bothers me. I have male friends. I could quite easily find myself in either the female friend's situation or the OP's DH's, without any sexual shenanigans going on. However, being naked (even beneath sheets) makes you vulnerable and is private. In the friend's situation I would have asked the H to leave while I put something on, and in the H's situation I'd have said shall I come back when you've put something on, especially if I had a partner who I cared about and who I did not want to get the wrong impression regardless of how innocent I was, although I accept that when drink goes in sense goes out and he may not have thought of that.

Was he about to commit adultery? I don't know. Neither do you. All you can do is think about your marriage to this point and see if there are any red flags to this date, and watch for others in the future. Time will either remove the suspicion or raise it.

As for hitting your H though, I seriously cannot stress enough that you need to do something about that. A simple apology, no matter how heartfelt, is not enough.

Ezio Wed 31-Jul-13 10:30:17

Yes it sounds weird, but you have no idea if anything was gonna happen, you had no right to hit him, and for that you need help, because he got the moral high ground the moment you did that.

givvusaclue Wed 31-Jul-13 10:30:31

"As for hitting your H though, I seriously cannot stress enough that you need to do something about that. A simple apology, no matter how heartfelt, is not enough."

What advice would you give to a man who gave his wife a black eye in a jealous rage?

Dahlen Wed 31-Jul-13 10:40:40

Exactly the same Givevusaclue.

The advice I am giving the OP is the same advice I would issue whether her DH chooses to stay or leave her. Regardless of what he decides to do, the OP needs to learn why she reacted as she did and what she can do to ensure it never happens again - not only for her DH (if he stays), but for any potential future partner (if her DH leaves and she finds someone else), but also for herself (because as long as she reacts like this in volatile situations she will continue to sabotage all her relationships).

Cabrinha Wed 31-Jul-13 10:45:06

Disgusting that you hit him.
You both might like to think about your alcohol consumption. Seriously, if you can't control yourselves to this extent - him making bad judgements about clothing and location for a chat (if it was just a chat) and you being physically violent.

Jan45 Wed 31-Jul-13 15:54:47

I don't blame you for being annoyed but you should never have been violent. They probably were flirting and maybe something would have occured, totally inappropriate for your husband to be sitting beside a lady naked in a bed in my book and totally inappropriate for your so called friend to allow it. I'd be angry with him but wouldn't have attacked him, he's been stupid, probably through too much alcohol.

WafflyVersatile Wed 31-Jul-13 16:08:26

Even without the punching it was a massive over reaction.

Perhaps her husband should start a thread so we can support him in kicking her out to protect him and the kids from her abuse.

Cutitup Wed 31-Jul-13 22:32:53

Hi - thanks for all your replies. Yes, I know it was utterly repulsive of me to hit my DH but it's not like I stood there in cold blood and socked him in the eye with a closed fist. We had a tussle as he bustled me out of her bedroom and I just lashed out at being manhandled out of the room. I had no intention of hitting him like that and I have never done such a thing in my life.
I did write her a message on FB before I de-friended her. I told her how upset I was over what happened and she wrote back and apologised. DH has also phoned her to express his regret at what happened (they both acknowledge and regret inappropriate behaviour) and she apologised again.

Matter finished with. My DH is extremely apologetic and says he still feels like throwing up when he recalls what he can of the evening.

As for me, I am reflecting extremely seriously on my behaviour and how I lashed out like that. It just isn't me.

And just to clarify, I did not burst into her room. I opened the door quietly so as not to wake her. I was (at that point) worried about my DH and where he was. I never really thought he would be in there. I still honestly can't believe that he was.

And anyway, what kind of woman sleeps naked in another couple's house with her door wide open (our bedroom doors are opposite each other). BTW, my DD said to me today that she didn't like our houseguest - she said she thought she flirted with my DH all weekend. I guess my spidey-senses need better tuning.

Thanks again for your replies. I don't mind the criticism. I feel just as harshly about my behaviour.

bestsonever Wed 31-Jul-13 22:51:07

If you'd gone in later and caught them at something, that would of been understandable, but still wrong. Expected way, given 4 foot distance, would be to just ask H if coming to bed to remove him from the situation.
The reaction was OTT, so I'd say fault on both sides and each of you need to take a look at how you behaved.
Interesting that your H is feeling quite as sick as that when he thinks over the night? Ultimately though, she's gone and all sorry, she's lost a friend and will lose out by this. Contemplating the what if's too much will only bring you down.

WafflyVersatile Wed 31-Jul-13 22:53:15

It may be that this woman had intentions on your husband but sitting on the floor 4 feet away even though very drunk in the face of someone with potential intentions is not the behaviour of a man intent on cheating in my view.

bestsonever Wed 31-Jul-13 22:55:35

..I do note that she was in bed naked with the door "wide open", which you then "opened" quietly. Some exaggeration of details perhaps to justify the violence's never the answer and there is no excuse.

Cutitup Wed 31-Jul-13 23:01:44

Best - she slept with the door wide open on the first night of her stay.

That's why I thought it was so odd when her door was firmly closed on the night this happened. Which was her second night.

I hope that is clear.

bestsonever Wed 31-Jul-13 23:58:22

Fair enough. Bit of ego massaging from a flirty woman, I doubt you will ever be able to prove more. Put it behind you is the best you can do.

AscendoTuum Thu 01-Aug-13 01:30:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AscendoTuum Thu 01-Aug-13 01:34:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wuldric Thu 01-Aug-13 02:15:24

This seems like such a major over-reaction that I am surprised. So much odd stuff in here.

1. You put 12 YOs to bed?
2. Your DH was sitting on the floor chatting to YOUR guest so you tear the covers off her knowing she sleeps naked?
3. You do a big screaming act as though you had caught them shagging rather than chatting.
4. You assault your husband
5. You defriend her on FB

I am not being unkind here when I ask if (a) your DH has any past record of infidelity and (b) whether you have any record of mental health issues.

Because I can imagine this scenario happening to me. I can imagine sitting in my dressing gown nattering to an old male friend staying in our spare bedroom. If DH upped and blacked my eye for it, I'd be looking to divorce him. This is utterly ridiculous behaviour.

LittlePeaPod Thu 01-Aug-13 04:44:08

What would you make of this?

Well reading your post I believe you physically abused your DH and you are doing what all abusers do. You are justifying your behaviour by trying to make him/your guests seem at fault and using this as an excuse for your abusive behaviour. And you are continuing to be emotionally abusive by making your DH feel guilty for getting beaten up, given a black eye by you for doing nothing wrong. Classic abuser behaviour!

Sorry Op what you did is really wrong and unjustifiable. If this was reversed MN would go crazy and tell you to leave the abusive relationship. Are you sure you weren't paranoid before going into that room and expecting to find them at it? They did nothing wrong. You have made more of this situation to justify your behaviour. It's not your DH and DHs friend that should be begging for forgiveness, ITS YOU!

Madamecastafiore Thu 01-Aug-13 05:31:15

Regardless of what you or others think he was about to do, he hadn't done anything and you have assaulted him.

If he were posting on here I would tell him he was a silly boy for putting himself in that situation in the first place but maybe that was due to alcohol and to go and press charges against you for assault.

I am saddened to think that the situation that you found DH in is eating away at you more than the fact that you assaulted him.

Jan45 Thu 01-Aug-13 13:07:30

You made a big mistake and for that you're sorry, it would be more worrying if you were defended your actions but you certainly are not - we all make mistakes in life, this is one of yours, everyone needs to back off, there was no intention to attack her husband, she acted on instinct by the sounds of it and through possibly a large quantity of alcohol - you and your OH needs to watch your alcohol consumption. Your ex friend sounds a right weirdo - but your husband should have been man enough not to put himself into a compromising situation with her, he could have stopped it.

I'd put it behind you now, sounds like both of you have suffered enough.

LittlePeaPod Thu 01-Aug-13 14:40:09

I doubt we would be forgiving a man if he had done the same to his wife and used the same excuses for assaulting her that Op has used. It makes no difference whether it’s a man or woman. Assault is assault regardless of whether the man inflicts it on a woman or a woman inflicts it on a man. I may be wrong but Op doesn't seem to have even apologised to her DH for over reacting, becoming violent and giving him a black eye or to their guest for pulling the covers off her and exposing her naked.

Would MN members really tell a woman to forgive and forget if she was given a black eye by her DH? I doubt it. IMO they would be telling her to call the police, kick him out, get a divorce and take himto the cleaners etc.! Why is it not looked upon with as much disgust when a woman becomes violent and gives her DH a black eye?

Jan45 Thu 01-Aug-13 15:45:54

You're right LPP and I'm embarrassed to say I can't answer that one..

givvusaclue Fri 02-Aug-13 22:20:14

Some very conspicuous absences from this thread.

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