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So tired of being bullied even as the divorce goes through

(92 Posts)
MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 17:35:04

I'm just exhausted with it all.

Was married to a controlling EA man - I didn't realise it for years, obviously. Discovered MN and left after 15 years. That was 2 years ago. It was very difficult, but I found a new home for me and the DC, and foolishly trusted him when he said he would sort the money side of things out. I was relying on this money appearing quite quickly.

2 years on, I have a court date on Friday, as there was no other way of getting my share of the equity and fair maintenance. Now he is trying to bully me, with phone calls and emails, into taking a smaller settlement than my solicitor says I should get. I'm being called names again and am just sat here feeling totally beaten. I'm tired. I've been struggling to make ends meet for 2 years, worrying every day if I can pay the rent this month. I get benefits, but I won't when settlement happens. He's reported me to benefit people even though I have nothing, he messes about with maintenance money most months, always pays, but likes to make me beg I think.

I'm just so tired. I want it over. If I give in, accept less (I'll have no pension share, for example, and about £15k less in settlement, but it will be enough to cover all the things I planned for) it's over, I don't have to go to court, don't have to see him. But he wins on the bullying again.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I just needed to get it out.

Molly333 Sat 03-Aug-13 00:03:57

U hv to fight you and yr children need you to do it , I bet when the divorce is through he doesn't bother anymore with you all , it seems to be the abusers pattern . I fought whilst crawling in my knees and he verbally beat me all the way, but I'm so glad I did ! Seven years on he doesn't bother with his kids , pays nothing for them and had to be stopped a using me via text by getting the police involved ! He's still a nasty nasty man , fight fight fight , u must for yr children's needs which will only increase

tightfortime Fri 02-Aug-13 23:51:25

Oh brilliant wine!!!!

Am delighted for you, been watching with interest as my own situ is about to head to that messy legal place too. Like you, I want Dc taken care of and OUT for me.

Best of luck with everything for the future, am so pleased for you x

cozietoesie Fri 02-Aug-13 23:42:11

Have a great weekend. (And fingers crossed that your money will arrive quickly.)


garlicagain Fri 02-Aug-13 21:16:09

Oh ... WELL ... DONE !!! grin smile grin smile

Gonna be a a good weekend!

Bloody well done! You will sleep much better tonight wine

skyeskyeskye Fri 02-Aug-13 21:15:27

Well done. Put your feet up and enjoy a wine

MNHarpy Fri 02-Aug-13 21:05:35

Well it is all over, bar actually getting the money smile

I barely slept last night, and spent the morning feeling sick and wobbly. Panicked about what to wear, and ended up with a cardigan in 30C confused

Got to the court, and he didn't even turn up! I was so relieved, but the judge didn't seem impressed. I was introduced to his solicitor. I'm afraid I may have been quite curt with her. She has made my life a bloody misery for the last year.

It then all went really quickly - we went in slightly early, the judge was very businesslike, I'm a bit more confident these days, but I found her a bit terrifying...

But! She, studied the order hard, and said it was a fair settlement! And ordered it paid in 6 weeks! I could have hugged her. Hearing someone completely unbiased say it was fair was the best thing ever, after all the accusations I've heard.

So there we go. Done. I have wine now. Again. I still feel a bit weird and wobbly, but I'm sure I'll start feeling better tomorrow.

Thank you again MN flowers

garlicagain Wed 31-Jul-13 20:31:20

thanks smile thanks smile

Hope Friday goes smoothly - in & out, no sparring.

I bet you feel washed out now! Feet up, eh.

Yay! thanks WELL DONE! That is excellent news, it really is nearly OVER, so pleased for you.

Enjoy that takeaway tonight, relish every celebratory mouthful grin

MNHarpy Wed 31-Jul-13 17:04:27

I guess I can't count on anything until the judge says yes, but yes.

I can afford school uniform, and to do a few nice things with them in the holidays for the first time in years.

cozietoesie Wed 31-Jul-13 16:19:58

But the cheque will be nice to think about on a winter's night, eh? You earned that money. And the DCs will enjoy both it and the higher maintenance.


MNHarpy Wed 31-Jul-13 16:12:22

Incredibly stressful, but ultimately worth it.

There was a poster on here recently that said she just envisioned being away from the grumpy, nasty husband, and just her and her kids in a little cottage somewhere, and that was me a few years ago, and it's <nearly> all over. I'll cry when I get that cheque. It's not even about the money, its about the OVER.

Polyethyl Wed 31-Jul-13 15:39:00

Congratulations on reaching a settlement. You must have pitched your final offer sensibly.

When I read about pre-court negotiations like these I am reminded of a case called Calderbank v Calderbank ( anyone know that case?) It was a divorce case that must have involved intense pre-court attempts to negotiate. I always wonder what the personal version (as opposed to dry court reporting) would describe it. Probably similar stress and accusations that you have been through.

MumnGran Wed 31-Jul-13 15:36:06

I also gave up my right to the pension share.
In hindsight it was a major error on my behalf, because I believed his bullying still, and would probably have got pretty much the same settlement + the pension, if I had gone to court.
However, if your solicitor thinks you have done well....then that's great, and I am really relieved for you. Have been in those tired shoes!

cozietoesie Wed 31-Jul-13 15:18:44

Best of luck. It's not the end of the road yet but now you know you can do it.


MNHarpy Wed 31-Jul-13 15:10:46

I think I may go and get a takeaway tonight, my first in months and months smile

Thank you all for helping me hold out flowers flowers flowers

I will name change after this, as I often give too much personal stuff away, but I'll pay it forward on the boards x

zipzap Wed 31-Jul-13 15:06:42


Fingers crossed it all goes through smoothly for you and he pays everything he is supposed to, on time and without any bullying from here on forwards.

Today really is taking you a great big leap into your new happy future! flowers

cozietoesie Wed 31-Jul-13 15:06:05

His solicitor probably got tired of the situation. And it's because you held out.

I hope you have a bottle of champagne on ice - or some equivalent.

MNHarpy Wed 31-Jul-13 14:53:11

OMG. He has agreed to the higher figure (no pension share, but with the higher figure that is FINE), and the highest figure in maintenance.

Still have to go to court to get it stamped by judge, but it should all be done in 6 weeks.

Can't quite believe it.

MumnGran Wed 31-Jul-13 14:36:29

so glad you have called a halt, and taken the right course of not settling anything until the judge decides. Do make sure your solicitor knows about the latest threats and bullying though, won't you.
This is an abuser desperately hanging on to perceived (but non-existent) power) and when one has been subject to the bullying for years, it is very hard not to succumb....even after 2 years. You have done amazingly well to stand your ground. He is attempting one last ditch grab at domination, before someone takes all those decisions from his hands...... permanently.

Believe, in your soul, that the only power he now has is the power you allow him! Truly. It took me 5 years to reach that understanding, but it was true from the time I walked free. You are so close to the finish line, OP.

Whatever happens, the only response you should give him is "tell it to my solicitor"
I hope Friday goes well. flowers

zipzap Wed 31-Jul-13 14:35:41

And just remember to point out to him every time that he tells you that you are money grabbing or whatever bad thing he thinks of that time, that actually it is him that is money grabbing as he is the one that wants you to have less than the fair share that you should do and in doing so he is the one that is being moneygrabbing for wanting more than his fair share - and in doing so, depriving his children of things like their swimming lessons (which are nice to haves but also an important safety thing to have learnt to do), it's not money that you're taking to just fritter away on nothing!

keep strong and let your solicitor help you. You can see that he is bullying you to be selfish and keep as much money as he can for himself. It's hard but you've managed to keep going for so long - there's not much longer to go now.

garlicagain Wed 31-Jul-13 14:35:38

If nothing else, this REALLY shows why divorce is the right thing! What a cunt. Rely on due process to force him to be decent, as he won't by himself, and keep in mind that due process will help you take care of his kids, the twat. Thinking about your kids, why not start a 'future board'? It's a big noticeboard that you pin your aspirations to - a useful psychological & emotional tool for you, and can generate loads of fab conversations with the DC smile

MNHarpy Wed 31-Jul-13 14:28:02

It's so frustrating. I don't think it's even about the money, it's about getting the last bloody word.

The negotiations have literally been about tiny differences in the scheme of things, but he refuses to agree to anything I suggest just for the sake of it.

My solicitor has put forward a final offer now. It's the last chance, I know I could get more in court, probably, but it would take forever, and cost as much more as I would get, probably. Still, if he rejects this then court it is.

I WISH I could switch it off, for all the trying it's not working.

cozietoesie Wed 31-Jul-13 14:25:32

Yes - big hugs. Be prepared for some wheedling, however, once he hears that you're going for court. When he feels that the bullying hasn't worked, he could very well go for the 'But MNHarpy, we were so close to getting it sorted - think of the kids.' And then you're back to another 2 years of the sort of stuff you've been going through. Just be warned - and don't respond to it if you get it. It will just be another tactic anyway.

ratbagcatbag Wed 31-Jul-13 14:07:55

Big hugs. Please don't give in, a friend once did that and bitterly regretted it as he was still smirking and knowing he could bully her. sad

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