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So tired of being bullied even as the divorce goes through

(92 Posts)
MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 17:35:04

I'm just exhausted with it all.

Was married to a controlling EA man - I didn't realise it for years, obviously. Discovered MN and left after 15 years. That was 2 years ago. It was very difficult, but I found a new home for me and the DC, and foolishly trusted him when he said he would sort the money side of things out. I was relying on this money appearing quite quickly.

2 years on, I have a court date on Friday, as there was no other way of getting my share of the equity and fair maintenance. Now he is trying to bully me, with phone calls and emails, into taking a smaller settlement than my solicitor says I should get. I'm being called names again and am just sat here feeling totally beaten. I'm tired. I've been struggling to make ends meet for 2 years, worrying every day if I can pay the rent this month. I get benefits, but I won't when settlement happens. He's reported me to benefit people even though I have nothing, he messes about with maintenance money most months, always pays, but likes to make me beg I think.

I'm just so tired. I want it over. If I give in, accept less (I'll have no pension share, for example, and about £15k less in settlement, but it will be enough to cover all the things I planned for) it's over, I don't have to go to court, don't have to see him. But he wins on the bullying again.

I don't really know what I'm asking. I just needed to get it out.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 30-Jul-13 18:46:37

Of course. It's a hard habit to break.

Jengnr Tue 30-Jul-13 18:50:50

You need that court order. He can't be relied upon to give you what's yours.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 18:53:17

I also kind of have to have the answers in my head, so he doesn't convince me I'm wrong. Would be nice to just shut brain off for a while.

Does it sound pathetic to just hand everything over to my (lovely) solicitor, and say 'deal with it, I don't want to know anymore'. That's how I feel. She'll get paid tonnes whatever I do.

LemonDrizzled Tue 30-Jul-13 18:55:31

I am within a few days of a settlement too Harpy, and am longing for it to be done. But my EA XH has a new GF whose XH takes it all to a new level and is obstructing everything just because he can. MY XH is so grateful I am cooperative and so keen to avoid court he has actually been very generous.

I think you need to see this as money not just for you, but for the DC and their future. Does that help you feel less selfish and more the fierce mother goose protecting your goslings?

Hopefully by Saturday you will be able to relax and put it all behind you.
wine for you

LemonDrizzled Tue 30-Jul-13 18:56:39

No that doesnt sound pathetic at all it sounds very sensible!

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 18:58:38

That's a good point Jen. I do.

It's hard isn't it Lemon, just willing the days over so it's done. And yes, it IS for them, so they can have the nice things like swimming lessons and music lessons they have been missing out on for the last few years. That does help. Glad it's nearly over for you too. wine is keeping me going. It never used to be a thing, but now I understand it. I wouldn't sleep otherwise.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Jul-13 19:00:16

It wouldn't be at all pathetic. 'Talk to my solicitor' is a totally valid answer in the circumstances. They know how to deal with people like him and it won't wasting their time listening to his vitriol down the phone. Of course, if it's shown that he's been unreasonable, making frivolous claims and all the rest, the court could even award him a higher share of the costs.

maristella Tue 30-Jul-13 19:02:34

If he keeps harassing you, you can call the police now. To actually drive someone to the point where they're unplugging the phone warrants a but of a chat from the police at least!

Hang on in there thanks

There is a reason he called you a money-grabbing bitch.

It is because he knew that would matter to you, and that you would want to convince him otherwise. It is his way of bullying you into letting him 'win'. He wants the last word. He wants you to back down. So the nasty, angry piece of work is trying this tactic. Do not give him the satisfaction of knowing he has got to you. Great that you haven't responded.

He can fuck off. And so can his opinions. Keep going, hand the whole thing over to solicitor.

It is important not to give any credence to what he says to you or about you. Because it is all an extension of his nasty bullying ways. It is not the truth. You are not going to be living your life according to his warped views anyway, so you may as well take no notice.

Sounds like you are nearly there, so keep going, you are doing well to fight back, and you will win.

skyeskyeskye Tue 30-Jul-13 19:23:22

stay strong, you are nearly there. You are not what he calls you, you are simply getting what you are entitled to. IF you weren't entitled to it, your solicitor would have told you that.

Hold on just a little bit longer. and yes, sometimes it is the principle. If it does cost you what you gain in court, then at least you have stood up for yourself and your rights and stood against him.

Good luck.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 19:32:52

You are all so lovely, and still no one has said give in! Wow. Thank you.

It's nearly over has been my mantra for so long, need to repeat and repeat. Thank you.

CatDogAndMouse Tue 30-Jul-13 19:35:16

We have been where you are. Unfortunately the first court date isn't always the end of it. 18 months since that first date it is still going on and the costs are ridiculous. 9k to barristers and 25k to solicitors. Hopefully ours will be over in the next few weeks.

I know everyone is saying to go to court, and I'm not disagreeing with that - just be aware that it can get very expensive.

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 19:38:24

Thanks CatDogAndMouse My solicitor has been v honest about costs, and they are not getting paid til it's over. I'll see what happens over next few days, I do trust her, she too has been where I am, I have a feeling it wont get to court on Friday, this is all so desperate. Hope it's over for you soon x

CatDogAndMouse Tue 30-Jul-13 19:46:29

Our solicitor told us what to expect - we consider him to be a friend now as we've spent so much time with him! If you have a good relationship with your solicitor it makes things easier and the trust is invaluable. Thought the barrister would be scary but she was lovely too. Different once in court though - then she was scary - thankfully not to us smile

I wouldn't wish this on anyone though as the stress is awful. Good luck x

alto1 Tue 30-Jul-13 19:47:30

Don't give in - I second what others have said.

The share of the pension could be very important to your kids (survivor benefits - mine, for example, pays dd 25% till she's 25 if I peg it).

The names he calls you can't (surely?) hurt as much as when you had to live with him. Don't let him get a big financial reward for being extra nasty.

Youhaventseenme Tue 30-Jul-13 19:56:00

Thinking about this whilst cooking dinner and all I can think of is a variation on "the kids" attitude song (get me, down wiv da kids) grin

Seriously, my darling God daughter is 12 and her favourite refrain is when she is being silly as opposed to rude.

Talk to the booty, cos the hand's off duty, and the face just don't want to know.

Keep repeating this in your head.

Re, the booty, it does help that he is talking shite. grin grin

MNHarpy Tue 30-Jul-13 20:10:49

Hahaha! Youhaventseenme that has made me really laugh! Brilliant.

I'm feeling much better now, thank you so much. I'm going to have a quiet evening with all comms down, and catch up on some recorded telly.

I guess I'll keep you posted, I'll probably need you. I will reread all of this before I speak to solicitor in the morning though. flowers to all of you

MadameBlavatsky Tue 30-Jul-13 22:03:48

Hang on in there. I was in a similar position and caved and got far less than I should have done and I really regret it now. I wish I had stood my ground.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 31-Jul-13 05:59:01

Good luck, MN.

FWIW, I'm a lawyer, and I would react to you telling me this tale by basically saying "hand it all over to me and let him deal with me" - just as you want to do - because the wonderful thing about being someone's advocate is that their opponent (and in this case, that's exactly what your ex is) has no power over us. There is the law, and there is the practicalities, and that's it. No emotion, nothing. It just is a million times easier for me to deal with someone like your ex, for you, then it is for you to deal with him.

cozietoesie Wed 31-Jul-13 06:14:11

Hang on in there indeed. He's trying to get at you outwith your solicitor because as someone said above, I think, it may be his last chance to control you. And this will st the scene for all future dealings with him (eg over the DC.)

You are going to feel so much better once this first part is all over.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Wed 31-Jul-13 08:23:26

You are not money grabbing. Just remember it IS NOT his money, it is family money.
Even if you get more than 50% of everything you will still be worse off than him financially as you will be raising the kids.

Stay strong, get as much as you can, you will need it.

MNHarpy Wed 31-Jul-13 09:43:33

fifty that was something that came to me in the night, I'm not money grabbing, it's my bloody money, that he is not letting me have, does that make him money grabbing? More likely.

Well, no response from solicitor yet, so I guess I'll call her.

MNHarpy Wed 31-Jul-13 10:26:29

And she says just ignore and forward everything. So that's what I will do.

I feel so tense I could snap. I don't want to see anyone, just want to hide under duvet til it's over.

Ignore and forward, that is great from your solicitor. Just let her get him and try to calm down. You need to do some good things for yourself today. Try and treat yourself as if you were your own good friend if you see what I mean. smile

MNHarpy Wed 31-Jul-13 11:00:56

Great. Now I have an email from my solicitor asking me to contact him direct on the points his solicitor has raised - all petty points designed to delay. They are of the firm belief his sol. wants this to go to court for her fat fee (the firm do not have the best reputation), they can't contact him direct, they would have to go through his sol.

So I do have to engage with him.

This is all such a horrible mess.

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