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Am I hyper-sensitive and mad or is he not nice?

(127 Posts)
Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 21:23:15

How do I know if I should stay with my hubby?
Sorry don't want to write DH as he's not a dearest.

When we started dating in 2006, we broke up a couple of times due to his anger over trivial things (I can't even remember what they were but usually my tone of voice). I remember spending one evening with him shouting and ranting and me crying hysterically and asking him to stop (we are talking 4 hours of shouting and I started to have palpitations and felt very sick). I decided that I would never be treated like that again and we broke up.

Next day he came round and said he was really a great guy, in fact he said, "here's some numbers - call any of my friends and they will all tell you the same". I didn't call any. I got back with him. It happened a couple of more times that year. I strive to avoid conflict in my life and if I can't (with other people) I am able to say " this is making me feel etc" and we can get a conversation going about said topic. With hubby I can't do this and never have been able to.

Anyway, fast forward a year or so and I'm pregnant (found out after we were having a lot of arguments). We moved in together at 5 months and got married at 9 months pregnant. I did so to do the best for my wee one. (and my parents wanted it as well).

I never 'fell in love' and never had a couple time - just the 2 of us - it was straight into motherhood. Our little one is now 5.

a few times a year, I upset him and he 'blows'. I think he 'goes nuts', shouting until he loses his voice, refusing to allow me to have a break from the argument (which all take the form of him antagonising me, me defending myself by saying, for example, I didn't use a particular tone of voice or I didn't mean to lift the plastic cover off the remote control when I was cleaning it and him just shouting I'm a liar, I did do it on purpose and now it will never be ok with bubbles underneath, or I have said something in a tone and apparently I do this all the time and speak to him like he's sh** on my shoe). The stony silences after these usually last one week.

Twice he has grabbed me a shaken me with rage (but he has NEVER hit me ever). If he did it would be so much clearer. On these occasions, he has then started sobbing and crying and saying he wouldn't cope if I left him. Once, we argued when we were out. He went nuts and grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it into the side of the road. That was a bit frightening. When he cries (only 3 times I think) I feel so bad for him, if only I didn't make him get this way. He says that I'm so perfect (sarcasm) and I'm always right (same again). If I try to tell him that he's crazy he tells me I'm varous things - paranoid, neurotic, manipulative and even, amazingly a psychopath.

Once, last week he held me and tried to stop leaving the bathroom - he'd come in in the middle of a rant. I'd gone in there for some peace but he came in anyway. The trigger is never obvious to me. I seem to (I guess I must) make him deeply unhappy and he is a silent chap in the respect that he doesn't say anything for ages then something happens 'that is like the straw that breaks the camel's back" and off he goes. Some of these happen when our little one is in the house (always in bed sleeping at night or morning - though this week she asked what our loud conversation was about. I told her that sometimes adults shout but that they still love each other as I don't want to show her a bad example of relationships).

But the truth is I probably am showing her one. To be fair, we get through our lives in an amicable way. I enjoy my life with my little one and my hobbies and interests. In public hubby is very popular with everyone. At home he spends his time watching TV and looking at his laptop. We don't chat much. Though he does sort of listen if I chat about light things, what little one did that day etc. He works full time, hates his work and works a long day. That doesn't help. But even when he was in a job he liked, things in our relationship were like this.

So how are they? I'm on eggshells. I am nervous of upsetting him (every day), I hate to break things in the house as he has to spend time fixing them. I hate if he finds something broken as then I get the blame. I am nervous if I hear him sigh (when in another room) as I cringe and wonder what I've done. I cringe if I hear him say "for God's sake" as I KNOW I've done something and then he comes and tells me. I can brush that of though and don't get too upset. Though, when I think about it I'm def on egg shells every day as I've said already.

Writing this makes me want to cry. My friend heard a little of this today and showed me this site. I found a link to hidden hurt and read the verbal abuse pages - I seemed to be 'ticking' the boxes as I read and thought, yes, he does those things. But when I read signs of an abuser - he didn't tick any of those boxes at all. Not jealous etc

I can't show him the page as he'd say I also do all those same things to him and we'd be no further forward.

I can't leave as I have no money of my own. I guess I must want to though as if I won lots of money my immediate answer to "what are you going to spend it on?" would be to say - a house/flat for just me and my lttle one.

Last week, in the middle of his rant, which started in response to my tone (I didn't know the answer to his question and he asked the same one 3 times) he threatened to leave and didn't know when he would be back. He went downstairs though and we didn't speak for a week. I have approached him for a cuddle and he coldly reciprocated.

I actually would like him to check into a hotel for a week or 2. I think the space would offer some clarity. I can't see me doing this with our little one as that would not be fair for them. I can't see me asking for that though - it could be more of a formal beginning of the end.

Anyone else relate to this?

FlatsInDagenham Sun 28-Jul-13 21:56:35

I don't think I could stand to live in such a tense atmosphere. Don't think that your little one hasn't picked up on it - she will have.

He is abusive - shouting until he loses his voice, not allowing you to leave a room, pulling you up on little things such as the remote control - these are abusive behaviours (even leaving the physical incidents aside).

You don't want to be with him. You don't even claim to love him.

Do yourself and your daughter a massive favour and leave. You will both be far happier.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 21:56:55

It's really really not normal

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 21:57:38

Pozzled, I can't imagine leaving him. I don't know where I'd go. I'd hate to make a fuss. Selfishly, living with him allows me to pursue my hobbies (they need a whole room to themselves) and I can't give them up by moving to a smaller house. The idea that i'm hurting my child though makes me want to cry and run away. Please be gentle with me.

I'm not sure I'm ready to make this public though I know my friend who recommended this site will read this, and clearly know it's me and that might be hard for her and awkward.

It's very hard to think about leaving - that'sall major life changing stuff.

Right now I've made up the spare bed and I'm nervous about him noticing. I am exhausted (stress) today and desperate for some sleep. I think I need to tell him i'm in the spare room as otherwise he'll probably only put the light on, stare at me and then walk off.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf - Yes I am dependent on him for money. i have a lttle coming in from a rented property - my old house but that's it. I rang a solicitor last year (after a row about the remote control cover being removed and getting dust under it) and they told me that I don't qualify for legal aid (hubby earns a lot) and unless I kick out my tenant and move there I am considered too rich. Fat chance! Though I do have access to hubbys money I don't consider it mine. But I keep thinking that if I left, I need to leave my tenant where they are so that I have a little income as what could I do when I have a little one to look after?

EllaFitzgerald Sun 28-Jul-13 21:57:39

He's awful. Emotionally, verbally and, yes, physically abusive. If you aren't convinced you've been physically abused, ask yourself whether it would be called abuse if he lost his temper with your DD and shook her the way he shook you.

I hope you find the strength to escape.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 28-Jul-13 21:59:34

Not sure about Women's Aid - aren't they a shelter for battered women?

You ARE a battered woman IMO. Your H shakes you. He physically prevents you from leaving rooms. You walk on eggshells (your words) around him. He has screaming rows about the Remote Control FFS and your parents get involved. Your fantasy is to leave him.

BTW you do realise you can leave him regardless of whether you think he is abusive or not. You clearly want to leave him. So I wouldn't wait for 'proof' that he is abusive.

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 22:05:51

newlifeforme - I burst into tears when I read what you had written. If I have that effect on you then I must be saying something here.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer - yes, if he did hit me then I would have a 'black and white' reason for saying I'm leaving and you are a bad person

FlatsInDagenham - I don't know what I feel about him. Sometimes I think I am fond of him and other times I think I hate him but mostly I'm indifferent. But I do try to be loving. I know he thinks we should have more s3x for example not that he pushes me into it. We'd just had our 5th miscarriage (this month) and haven't managed that more than once since

EllaFitzgerald - You are quite right. I would not have any dilemna there at all.

To all who have suggested it, I will call Women's Aid. I am not sure what to expect and will feel silly but I will do it as you are all objective and I appreciate that I am not.

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 22:07:57

TondelayoSchwarzkopf - I feel like I need proof. I used to fantasise that he went back to his ex (I sometimes think he wishes he could though he says otherwise - they socialise 3 time a year) and then I could leave him for that. I just need a good enough reason - and you are all saying I have it already.

I need to think about this.

Pozzled Sun 28-Jul-13 22:10:20

Right now, the thought of leaving seems impossible and you are thinking of a million difficulties- getting a job, having to sort childcare, finding space for your hobby etc. It's natural to think of all these things- but you do not need to solve those problems tonight. They can wait. But there WILL be solutions, and there WILL be people to support you- here, Women's Aid, the friend who already knows some of what you have told us.

Can you do one thing tonight? Can you say to yourself - and really mean it- 'I don't want to live like this, I don't have to live like this, and one day I will not be with this man, living like this'.

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 22:12:02

colafrosties - Yes I am sad writing this and a bit scared. But I don't want to hurt him. His last long term relationship ended badly - he cheated on her after he was bullied. He broke it off bec of guilt then they got back together. Unfortunately, after they were back together and thinking of getting married she found out about affair and ended it. He agreed. She said she'd always throw it in his face and he agreed he didn't want to live that way. I am always nervous about that though and it was only recently I threw away all her love letters to him (he said they weren't important and allowed our LO to cut up the pictures (they were cards) and put on gluings

Anyway after they broke up he lost a lot financially and says he can't bear to lose his home (where we both live now). I wouldn't make a claim on the house - Idon't want to upset him if he gave me enough money to get a place of my own with LO

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 22:14:40

Pozzled, I am crying reading your posts. They feel like a wee hug. The best I can do is sleep in the spare room tonight and perhaps for a wee while but I am afraid of creating a scene, taking things to a new level (can't pretend things are ok in the spare room), and afrid of extending the argument. I feel I am pushing things by doing the spare room thing. Not sure why exactly as I've done this before and he has also done this (not very grown up is it) I don't want to live like this but maybe he and I can change?

WideScreenViper Sun 28-Jul-13 22:15:55

All you can see right now is a brick wall between you and a better life including your LO being happy, having a decent standard of living and even keeping you hobby. Everyone here can tell you, you need to take baby steps toward that wall then take it down brick by brick. You have already taken a step, to here. Take another, tell you friend. Another, women's aid. You only get one life, it is worth doing this work.

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 22:17:57

WideScreenViper I am not sure how to begin the steps to leaving but I will call womens' aid. I will google them just now and find out who they are. You are right - life is short. Thanks

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 22:18:56

I need to log off. I can hear hubby upstairs now.
Thank you for all your posts. I am amazed to get any given how many people post here. Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and offer support.

With love, x

AnyFucker Sun 28-Jul-13 22:19:01

Your husband is an abuser and you are bringing your child up in an abusive atmosphere with all those attendant damaging lessons

there is nothing more to be said here

how you react after accepting that (or not) is entirely up to you

WideScreenViper Sun 28-Jul-13 22:19:06

You already did. One step at a time.

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 22:45:09

Just a quick thought. Should I show my hubby the hidden hurt page which shows all the behaviours - judging, blocking, etc - Is it possible he has no idea he ticks these boxes. I think he would be shocked actually. A long time ago I read something (can't remem details) and said he was verbally abusive and he was very scathing - but here is something in writing. It might help? What does anyone think?

Vivacia Sun 28-Jul-13 22:47:50

These threads make me feel so angry. I'd love to see one of these "scary" men who intimidate and abuse their partners in a room with a few of us. I'd give them bloody "tone of voice".

These threads also make me feel sad. The OP lists the most horrendous descriptions of their life but don't realise how bad it is.

Take care Vigilant.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Jul-13 22:48:06

I wouldn't bother

he won't admit he is abusive...true abusers never do

never give them any ammunition would be my advice

keep it for yourself, to help you detach fro the abuse

AnyFucker Sun 28-Jul-13 22:48:18


Vivacia Sun 28-Jul-13 22:48:55

I wouldn't show him. At least sleep on it.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Jul-13 22:51:16

do you hope he will have a lightbulb moment ?

please, do not be so naive

abusers know what they are doing....they are not innocents simply waiting until it is pointed out to them

you are likely to escalate the issue

keep your own counsel and use the knowledge to get out

no other advice is appropriate

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 28-Jul-13 22:55:31

Please don't show him the link. Please don't think of entering counselling with him. Please don't make it your mission to help him. He knows exactly what he is doing. I assume he doesn't do this at work where he probably has quite a senior and responsible job given you say he is a high earner? He does it to YOU.

Make it your mission to help yourself and your daughter.


TalkativeJim Sun 28-Jul-13 22:56:36

No, it won't help.

I'm sure he would act shocked, and maybe even tell himself that he is... but the truth of it is that people like this act like it because they like it, they like bullying, feeling in charge - they very, very rarely change because they have no desire to be different.

He knows full well what he's like. The behaviour he shows to you... He'd hate to be treated like that and wouldn't accept it.

He's an abuser. The best and the only thing you can do is to get out. For you and your little girl.

Callmedreckly Sun 28-Jul-13 22:57:25

Does he pin down shop assistants that use a certain tone?
Does he scream at other drivers until he loses his voice?

He knows exactly what he is and only does it behind closed doors, so that only you & your daughter hear him.

Don't 'show' him anything apart from the front door.

DTisMYdoctor Sun 28-Jul-13 23:01:38

There is nothing about your relationship that is normal OP. You don't need to live your life like this. You'll get loads of good advice on here, for you and your DD's sake please do take it. Talk to women's aid.

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