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Am I hyper-sensitive and mad or is he not nice?

(127 Posts)
Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 21:23:15

How do I know if I should stay with my hubby?
Sorry don't want to write DH as he's not a dearest.

When we started dating in 2006, we broke up a couple of times due to his anger over trivial things (I can't even remember what they were but usually my tone of voice). I remember spending one evening with him shouting and ranting and me crying hysterically and asking him to stop (we are talking 4 hours of shouting and I started to have palpitations and felt very sick). I decided that I would never be treated like that again and we broke up.

Next day he came round and said he was really a great guy, in fact he said, "here's some numbers - call any of my friends and they will all tell you the same". I didn't call any. I got back with him. It happened a couple of more times that year. I strive to avoid conflict in my life and if I can't (with other people) I am able to say " this is making me feel etc" and we can get a conversation going about said topic. With hubby I can't do this and never have been able to.

Anyway, fast forward a year or so and I'm pregnant (found out after we were having a lot of arguments). We moved in together at 5 months and got married at 9 months pregnant. I did so to do the best for my wee one. (and my parents wanted it as well).

I never 'fell in love' and never had a couple time - just the 2 of us - it was straight into motherhood. Our little one is now 5.

a few times a year, I upset him and he 'blows'. I think he 'goes nuts', shouting until he loses his voice, refusing to allow me to have a break from the argument (which all take the form of him antagonising me, me defending myself by saying, for example, I didn't use a particular tone of voice or I didn't mean to lift the plastic cover off the remote control when I was cleaning it and him just shouting I'm a liar, I did do it on purpose and now it will never be ok with bubbles underneath, or I have said something in a tone and apparently I do this all the time and speak to him like he's sh** on my shoe). The stony silences after these usually last one week.

Twice he has grabbed me a shaken me with rage (but he has NEVER hit me ever). If he did it would be so much clearer. On these occasions, he has then started sobbing and crying and saying he wouldn't cope if I left him. Once, we argued when we were out. He went nuts and grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it into the side of the road. That was a bit frightening. When he cries (only 3 times I think) I feel so bad for him, if only I didn't make him get this way. He says that I'm so perfect (sarcasm) and I'm always right (same again). If I try to tell him that he's crazy he tells me I'm varous things - paranoid, neurotic, manipulative and even, amazingly a psychopath.

Once, last week he held me and tried to stop leaving the bathroom - he'd come in in the middle of a rant. I'd gone in there for some peace but he came in anyway. The trigger is never obvious to me. I seem to (I guess I must) make him deeply unhappy and he is a silent chap in the respect that he doesn't say anything for ages then something happens 'that is like the straw that breaks the camel's back" and off he goes. Some of these happen when our little one is in the house (always in bed sleeping at night or morning - though this week she asked what our loud conversation was about. I told her that sometimes adults shout but that they still love each other as I don't want to show her a bad example of relationships).

But the truth is I probably am showing her one. To be fair, we get through our lives in an amicable way. I enjoy my life with my little one and my hobbies and interests. In public hubby is very popular with everyone. At home he spends his time watching TV and looking at his laptop. We don't chat much. Though he does sort of listen if I chat about light things, what little one did that day etc. He works full time, hates his work and works a long day. That doesn't help. But even when he was in a job he liked, things in our relationship were like this.

So how are they? I'm on eggshells. I am nervous of upsetting him (every day), I hate to break things in the house as he has to spend time fixing them. I hate if he finds something broken as then I get the blame. I am nervous if I hear him sigh (when in another room) as I cringe and wonder what I've done. I cringe if I hear him say "for God's sake" as I KNOW I've done something and then he comes and tells me. I can brush that of though and don't get too upset. Though, when I think about it I'm def on egg shells every day as I've said already.

Writing this makes me want to cry. My friend heard a little of this today and showed me this site. I found a link to hidden hurt and read the verbal abuse pages - I seemed to be 'ticking' the boxes as I read and thought, yes, he does those things. But when I read signs of an abuser - he didn't tick any of those boxes at all. Not jealous etc

I can't show him the page as he'd say I also do all those same things to him and we'd be no further forward.

I can't leave as I have no money of my own. I guess I must want to though as if I won lots of money my immediate answer to "what are you going to spend it on?" would be to say - a house/flat for just me and my lttle one.

Last week, in the middle of his rant, which started in response to my tone (I didn't know the answer to his question and he asked the same one 3 times) he threatened to leave and didn't know when he would be back. He went downstairs though and we didn't speak for a week. I have approached him for a cuddle and he coldly reciprocated.

I actually would like him to check into a hotel for a week or 2. I think the space would offer some clarity. I can't see me doing this with our little one as that would not be fair for them. I can't see me asking for that though - it could be more of a formal beginning of the end.

Anyone else relate to this?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sun 28-Jul-13 21:34:18

Yes, he is absolutely an abuser. He is verbally and physically abusive to you. He is abusive your daughter by extension. Please don't think it's not bad enough to leave, it really is.

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 21:37:39

Hi EHricLovesTeam Qhuay, are you sure?
I can imagine if he read this he'd think I was being dramatic (even though I've not exaggerated things).

In 7 years together he has only shaken me 2 times (he jumped on top of me on the bed and pinned me down then shook me and the other time, standing up) but that's it. And the steering wheel thing. But nothing else but the shouting.

lemonstartree Sun 28-Jul-13 21:38:20

This man is horrible. He has no respect, kindness or love for you. He is sapping your self confidence and self respect. Right at the beginning you say you decided 'never to be treated like this again' , but you got sucked back in and now its ALL the time.

Your 'marriage' is over.You need yo get out and stop showing your DD that this is how people who love each other behave. He does not love you, he doesn't even like you. Get a solicitors appointment, confide in your parents, phone women's aid - anything, but get OUT of there.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is all wrong and terribly damaging. You and DD are worth so so much more

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sun 28-Jul-13 21:39:47

Absolutely 100% positive, he is an abuser.

Littlefish Sun 28-Jul-13 21:40:39

You need to speak to Women's Aid. Do you have access to a joint account? Are you in receipt of child benefit?

LaurieFairyCake Sun 28-Jul-13 21:42:56

You are being abused.

It would be clearer to you if you actually tried to leave the room when he goes into one of his rants - he would physically try to stop you.

I suspect you only define abuse as physical. It's not, he is abiding you.

Leave. And get help.

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 21:43:43

He says he loves me several times every day.

It doesn't happen all the time lemonstartree - only about 2 or 3 'explosions' a year (though i am nervous each day in case he is angry just a little bit - he does seem to be angry all the time at the moment but gererally doesn't shout) He does save the anger up then out it comes - but only a couple of time a year.

My problem is, he would be heartbroken if I showed him this thread, and equally terrified if he found it. He would think I was mad and over reacting. Which I probably am.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 21:44:10

You are not living with a partner who wants you to be happy.
You are scared of his temper, of his moods.

If your DD was describing her life by writing what you have just posted, would you say 'he sounds lovely darling. He is clearly a loving man' or would you tell her to run, run as far away from him as possible.

newlifeforme Sun 28-Jul-13 21:44:10

I shivered as I read through your are in an abusive relationship, no one should live like this.
You can leave him, it may take planning but its possible.

WideScreenViper Sun 28-Jul-13 21:45:07

Does it matter if he ticks all the abuser boxes? Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? And your LO too?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 28-Jul-13 21:47:17

Not only is he 'not nice' he is physically and emotionally abusive. Please leave this vile, horrible man. sad and angry on your behalf.

Let him move into a hotel, preferably a really unpleasant one and change the locks.

I really hope you are not financially dependent on him and that you can get real life support. flowers flowers

To give you some context, I have been with my DH for 14 years and he has NEVER shaken me. Once would have been once too many - I am so sad you think that is acceptable.

Please call Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 21:47:28

My dh doesn't tell me he loves me much. He doesn't have to. His actions, his kindness and warmth - his care for our children show that he loves us,

Your dh forces you to explain to your child why adults shout.
And sweetheart you are teaching her that a relationship filled with fear, apprehension, tension and anger is fine.

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 21:48:34

Hi LaurieFairyCake - he would prevent me from moving away or he would follow me - but as I say it's only every few months for these outbursts. I hate them though and cry and get palpitations. He DEF would fall into the camp of defining abuse as physical - I probably do as well.

Little fish - I do have access to his money but we don't get any kind of benefits as he earns a lot.

Not sure about Women's Aid - aren't they a shelter for battered women?

Lemonstartree - I could stay with my folks though dad has cancer and both parents have said they don't ever want to get involved (I tried to leave after one year of marriage and arranged to stay with them and they were agreeable) but after my mum waded into the TV remote control argument my dad apologised to hubby and told my mother that she should not have got involved. In the past they have taken his side.

PeacesOfAte Sun 28-Jul-13 21:48:48

It doesn't matter whether he agrees with you or not. He doesn't have to give his permission or agree to the end of the relationship. You can decide that you no longer want to live with him (and Christ, why would you, he's an abusive, manipulative arsehole) and either leave or get him to leave.

Would you want your daughter living like you are? No, so show yourself some love too and give yourself, and your child, a chance of a happy, peaceful life from now on.

Pozzled Sun 28-Jul-13 21:50:09

Yes, he's abusive and you need to leave him. He has 'only shaken you twice' and grabbed the steering wheel when driving. I'm sorry, but there is no 'only' in that, it is frightening, violent behavior which no one should ever have to put up with. And that's without all the shouting etc.

It must be really hard to think of ending the relationship, but you must do it- for yourself and for your child. You need to respect yourself in order for your child to learn self-respect.

Vigilant Sun 28-Jul-13 21:50:59

Pagwatch - all couples surely shout at some point and their kids hear?

colafrosties Sun 28-Jul-13 21:51:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sun 28-Jul-13 21:52:27

So what will it take, a slap in the face, a black eye? Shaking is bad enough. It really is. Plus all the verbal abuse and bullying. I know a lot of people aren't comfortable with the word abuse or abuser for their partner. What he undoubtedly is is a bully. You don't have to live with a bully. Nobody does. Would you want your daughter treated like this?

'If he could read this...' his view is totally irrelevant. Of course he would say you were being dramatic. It's him doing all this.

The 'you do all this to me too' stuff is also a classic deflection. None of that matters. All that matters is that you are being treated really badly and it doesn't look set to change. This needs to end.

nkf Sun 28-Jul-13 21:53:30

He sounds horrible.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 21:54:06

Did you just ignore everything else I said to pick out that line?

And actually no, not every couple shouts at each other.
They don't shake each other, they are not scared of each other, they don't tell each other they are mad, they are not endlessly sighing and building up resentment so they feel vindicated when they are physical.

I have been married 24 years. My husband has never laid a hand on me and I am never ever on egg shells.

Callmedreckly Sun 28-Jul-13 21:54:30

Please don't show him this thread OP.

Twinklestein Sun 28-Jul-13 21:54:41

There doesn't need to be physical violence for this to be an abusive relationship. He doesn't need to tick every box of a typical abuser to be one. What you describe is emotional abuse.

"I didn't use a particular tone of voice or I didn't mean to lift the plastic cover off the remote control when I was cleaning it and him just shouting I'm a liar, I did do it on purpose and now it will never be ok with bubbles underneath, or I have said something in a tone and apparently I do this all the time and speak to him like he's sh** on my shoe)."

It just breaks my heart that you & your daughter are living like this - on eggshells all of the time - for fear of his outbursts, under his control.

Your name implies that you must always be 'vigilant'?

This is no way to live. You don't need money to get away from him.
Please call Women's Aid as others have suggested.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sun 28-Jul-13 21:55:35

I don't give a toss how he would feel, or what he thinks is or isn't abuse. The point is that you are living in very unhappy conditions. He doesn't care how you feel when he does this, does he?

BillComptonstrousers Sun 28-Jul-13 21:55:59

THIS IS NOT A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP! Please please don't defend him or think its normal,it's not.

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