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Elusive orgasm...

(99 Posts)
Norgasm Sun 28-Jul-13 21:15:09

Been married several years, together even longer, two smallish DC. In general, v happily married. I have always had a real problem getting to orgasm though, which (along with all the usual reasons - tiredness, small DC, not making the time etc) means that we hardly ever have sex. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever managed a proper orgasm blush. DH is extremely kind and patient, but he would love to have sex more often, and in theory so would I.

Every single time we have sex, it feels nice up to a certain point, and then it just feels like it's too much, and I lose the momentum, and don't seem to be able to go all the way. It's almost like being intensely tickled - it's pleasant up to a certain extent, but then you just want it to stop. I don't know how other people manage to orgasm - it is apparently such a normal thing but I feel like a complete failure / freak that it's so elusive for me.

Does anyone have any idea what I mean? What on earth can I (we?) do about it? This is by far the single biggest issue in our relationship (although not a dealbreaker). By the way, have name-changed for obvious reasons but am sadly absolutely not a troll...

Ihatemytoes Sat 10-Aug-13 21:02:18


Himoutdoors Sat 10-Aug-13 09:04:02

Meant start with penetration for a bit without him having orgasm then switch focus to your zones

Himoutdoors Sat 10-Aug-13 09:02:08

DH could start off with penetration that switch focus to your three zones

Himoutdoors Sat 10-Aug-13 09:00:34

Employ mouth and both hands gently on all three erotic zones

goodasitgets Sat 10-Aug-13 02:20:32

Whoever mentioned the ultimate O, I second it smile

GreenSkittles Sat 10-Aug-13 01:08:38

That's great OP! I wish you many happy orgasms!

I had my first orgasm at the age of 29.

I often wondered if the female orgasm was something we all just pretended to have. I was brilliant at faking it, my ex OH never questioned how I managed to orgasm within a few minutes of sex every single time. I would feel the tension build up, let it ebb away, then wonder if that was an orgasm.

In the end I decided to put aside an entire afternoon with every stimulus possible and if anything could happen it would. I bought a pink rabbit vibrator (the engine died eventually, I still mourn the loss), stuck some non-scary porn on, turned my phone off, drew the curtains, and started experimenting. My first real orgasm was unmistakable, so powerful like my body had been waiting for it for years!

After that I learnt the best method to orgasm with the rabbit quickly, then I managed to do it gadget free. I think with women it's the same process as with men, the pleasure builds up, then you hit a plateau and know your orgasm is basically unstoppable from there. The longer the build up the better it is. With a partner the patience has to be there, you can't assume you'll orgasm within 20 minutes, it will take as long as it takes.

Come back and update won't you? You ARE orgasmic, you just have to work out your system. smile

EBearhug Fri 09-Aug-13 20:23:56

I thought of this thread when I saw this.

BigBoPeep Wed 07-Aug-13 23:04:25

I can orgasm if I DIY but never have with a partner, and I didn't have a sexually repressed mother, was never made to feel shamed etc etc etc. I totally love and trust my husband who is actually an amazing lover blah blah blah.... but it just won't work.

I'm finding it even worse as I get older, it started taking me an hour or more to DIY so I've pretty much given up on altogether. I think I have 2 problems - I don't get turned on by a particular 'thing' like, a foot fetish for example, and my mind is always going ten to the dozen and I just can't stop it wandering off compiling shopping lists etc.! This isn;t a reflection on what's happening, often I don't even realise my mind's wandered til its too late and then I'm like "OH SHIT I WAS MEANT TO BE CONCENTRATING ON SEXY STUFF!?". I also don't like to break out of 'the zone' to direct a partner on what to do, that pretty much sets me back to square one.

The goods news is I really enjoy sex anyway, and get very 'excited' about my partner's orgasm instead. Now if he didn't come I'd feel VERY 'unfulfilled'... confused

Norgasm Wed 07-Aug-13 21:54:12

Thank you for suggestions! Will start <cough> exploring...

DelayedActionMouseMaker Mon 05-Aug-13 08:38:53

You don't even have to buy some of tenancy Friday stuff...there are free pdf's online!

EBearhug Sun 04-Aug-13 22:53:37

Nancy Friday was recommended to me as a Kindle purchase the other day. (I declined. I have had paper copies for a couple of decades.)

eccentrica Sun 04-Aug-13 22:06:07

Don't know if it's online, but definitely try Nancy Friday - Women on Top is GREAT.

EBearhug Sun 04-Aug-13 20:37:10

Definitely Nancy Friday. And I'll always have a soft spot for John Cleland's Fanny Hill, which I discovered while working in an academic library, and quickly realised it couldn't be read in the work place. I'm not so bothered about Anais Nin myself. There are plenty of erotic anthologies about, which are often quite good, because if one story doesn't grab you, another probably will.

redmayneslips Sun 04-Aug-13 20:30:05

hello OP - try that should help and it is free.

Good luck!

DelayedActionMouseMaker Sun 04-Aug-13 20:07:35

Anais Nin & Nancy Friday are quite good.

Norgasm Sun 04-Aug-13 18:17:27

Ah - next question - any recommendations for erotic fiction online? blush Think that might actually help (not tried it before but seems worth a try to get in the mood). Don't have a kindle...

DelayedActionMouseMaker Sun 04-Aug-13 17:59:16

Everyone goes on and on and on about the clit being the place to stimulate for orgasm, but I actually find it too intense too and have never orgasmed when someone is using their fingers. I do however enjoy loads of orgasms...

So what works for me is putting pressure on the mons pubis externally. Try lying on your front with a soft cushion under your front and gently rub yourself against it. I'm sure it looks like one is shagging the floor, but if you do it right it feels great, and once you've found the right area you can stimulate it with your palm whilst also using your fingers internally, which is one notch up from great! smile

Norgasm Sun 04-Aug-13 17:51:25

Thanks for all the new posts smile.

I was on the pill for years, and did wonder if that was affecting my libido, but then came off it to get pregnant, and stayed off it for many months after second DC was born - I didn't notice any difference (ie it went from low to....still low).

I just never thought this would be so difficult - think I assumed it was just something which happened naturally. Really appreciate all your thoughts - DH now keeps offering to take the children out / go out in the evening and leave me with a bottle of wine and...!

katykuns Sat 03-Aug-13 23:26:44

Another here that had lack of libido on the pill.
My DP now is good in bed, but to get me to orgasm by either just penetrative sex or just clit stimulation doesn't work. I also have the stimulation that turns to pain when he stays on my clit too long.
I can only orgasm on my own through clit stimulation, but somehow this can't be achieved by him doing it.
I agree with other posters about having trouble letting go and the psychological element. My Mum was very prudish and made it very clear that sex for women is just not really to be enjoyed and only a tool to keep a husband. She is very repressed sexually and emotionally.. this had a very negative impact on my sister and I. Thankfully from talking with friends and trying to be more open I realise this is only my Mum's problem.
On an end note, oral sex is so much better for gentler clitoral stimulation... which may help with the build up to orgasm.

eccentrica Sat 03-Aug-13 21:51:24

littlepebble the Pill had the same libido-killing effect on me. hence I haven't taken it since the age of 22! :-)

peteypiranha Sat 03-Aug-13 07:42:50

I wouldnt say it is hard exactly. All it takes is not letting your mind wonder and enjoy the moment. Op just think dirty things in your mind whilst you are doing it then your mind wont wander, and it should all go from there really.

ALittleStranger Sat 03-Aug-13 07:38:49

Well yes Petey, but it can take a while to train your mind to do all that, which is probably why people say women hit their sexual peak in their 30s.

peteypiranha Sat 03-Aug-13 07:05:27

I dont believe the thing about woman peak in their 30s. I believe you can have as many orgasms as you want whenever, and the only thinks that stops some people is their minds.

You have to be relaxed, think dirty stuff and have no shyness at all. I have always been able to, but I couldnt care less what any man I have been with has thought, and definitely dont think about any mundane things when having sex as I have seen some people do. You have to always completely lose yourself in the moment.

LittlePebble Sat 03-Aug-13 06:35:39

Norgasm can I agree with what someone posted up thread about the pill. I could have written your post a few years ago, but in the last five years I've had a break through!

First I think I hit my thirties and my body changed a bit. Then I met DH who I relaxed a bit more with, I gave up worrying about orgasms and just enjoyed the sex and then I fell pregnant (planned). During pregnancy I could orgasm from intercourse (unheard of before) this went away after baby was born and I was back on the pill. I'm now off the pill TTC #2 and I've realised I've had a huge change in libido and sensitivity since coming off the pill. I've read up on it now and it's apparently a common side effect!

We will be looking at other contraception methods next time I can assure you wink

RaRaZ Sat 03-Aug-13 06:14:19

I think it depends very much on YOU - I find missionary quite easy orgasm-wise, but doggy does nothing for me at all.

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