Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Elusive orgasm...

(99 Posts)
Norgasm Sun 28-Jul-13 21:15:09

Been married several years, together even longer, two smallish DC. In general, v happily married. I have always had a real problem getting to orgasm though, which (along with all the usual reasons - tiredness, small DC, not making the time etc) means that we hardly ever have sex. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever managed a proper orgasm blush. DH is extremely kind and patient, but he would love to have sex more often, and in theory so would I.

Every single time we have sex, it feels nice up to a certain point, and then it just feels like it's too much, and I lose the momentum, and don't seem to be able to go all the way. It's almost like being intensely tickled - it's pleasant up to a certain extent, but then you just want it to stop. I don't know how other people manage to orgasm - it is apparently such a normal thing but I feel like a complete failure / freak that it's so elusive for me.

Does anyone have any idea what I mean? What on earth can I (we?) do about it? This is by far the single biggest issue in our relationship (although not a dealbreaker). By the way, have name-changed for obvious reasons but am sadly absolutely not a troll...

Focus on your nipples to start with, a bit of light rubbing and stroking and perhaps some gentle pinching. You should at some point finds it produces a tingle down below, that is the spot to head for.
As soon as you feel overstimulated, head back to the nipples.
Good luck.

ToTheTeeth Mon 29-Jul-13 20:10:11

If you won't even masturbate then it sounds psychological rather than your DP's technique or a question of positioning etc.

I used to have this problem, then I essentially gave myself permission to orgasm and now I seem to come like the clappers with the slightest provocation. If you have any control freak tendencies, or think nice girls don't, or don't want to give your DP the power of getting you off, or all kinds of quirks then it's not going to happen.

Basically you need to get wanking and find out what all the fuss is about without the pressure of anyone else being around.

Pawprint Mon 29-Jul-13 20:19:07

Hi there - it sounds like the vibrator you used wasn't powerful enough.

I agree with the others - try to stroke/massage yourself and find out what works for you. Don't concentrate on orgasm, just enjoy the good feelings.

I recommend the books by Nancy Friday as an introduction to self pleasure.

AlicesNextDoorNeighbour Mon 29-Jul-13 20:22:13

Been with DP for 2 years. We have a fair amount of sex, but he's never made me orgasm nor have I during intercourse. When I'm alone, I can orgasm in 10 minutes. When he is in the room/helping me, it takes me up to an hour (by which point he is usually falling asleep lol).

I don't particularly like him playing with me down there, with his fingers.

bellablot Mon 29-Jul-13 20:22:54

An organism is all in mind, mentally, if you aren't in the 'zone' there's no way if you climaxing.

Are you sure that nothing is stopping you? Have you truly explored why you are embarrassed? You have a mental block and its there for a reason, you have to start digging deeper and finding out why first of all then work on it.

Sexual issues are usually brought about from childhood - parents not telling us to touch our bits because its rude or disgusting, parents talking to their children about sex being derogatory or indignant instead of fun, enjoyable, exciting and fulfilling.

Explore a little deeper, hypnotherapy, counselling, your marriage is sacred and should be valued, sex is a huge part of married life and shouldn't be ignored.

Good luck! smile

RaRaZ Mon 29-Jul-13 20:29:11


bellablot Mon 29-Jul-13 20:32:28

Damn this predictive in predictive text!

bellablot Mon 29-Jul-13 20:33:08

Oh god, unpredictable, I'm off to bed hmm

themidwife Mon 29-Jul-13 20:38:54

I think what you're describing is overstimulation of your clitoris - it gets to the point where it almost hurts. I'm the same - perhaps like me you're a G spot orgasmer not a clitoral orgasmer. Try going on top leaning forward, partner almost sitting up to get the angle just right & then you control the movement & speed until it feels good?

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jul-13 20:39:00

Another vote for doing it on your own first. I've found very few men have the knack of getting me there, so it's good to know how to do it yourself. It's also important if they don't get you there to be able to say politely "Do you mind if I finish? You can watch if you like". They like watching.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Mon 29-Jul-13 20:45:30

Someone previously mentioned tantric; to those experienced in Western-style having-a-good-old-shag-and-done-with-it, this is tedious and wanky (pardon the expression). But for someone struggling with that style of intimacy, it's definitely worth exploring.

The emphasis is very much away from aiming to score the 'goal' of orgasm, but, as a starting point, it's really quite helpful in getting away from the end-gaining style of sex we get brought up on through exposure to western media.

Likewise the 'Tao' way of looking at sex. I've had wine so am probably revealing more than I'd like, but google 'tao breast massage' and ignore the spiritual woo (unless you like that sort of thing.) but it's a good starting point for getting turned on without all that tedious fiddling with your private parts.

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jul-13 21:57:54

But that's the best part! I do love a good fiddle.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Mon 29-Jul-13 22:03:38


DistanceCall Mon 29-Jul-13 22:13:33

Do you have any fantasies? Something that you find arousing (however silly) when you think about it? I would suggest trying to masturbate while thinking or reading or seeing images of this to try and orgasm on your own first.

DistanceCall Mon 29-Jul-13 22:14:41

And by the way, some women really find clitoral stimulation almost painful. For me, it's more a matter of rubbing and caressing the area in general, not the clitoris specifically.

EBearhug Mon 29-Jul-13 22:42:15

I agree about avoiding direct clitoral stimulation, especially as you're getting nearer the point. It can get sensitive to the point it's almost painful.

Do you use hormonal contraceptives? I found once I was off the Pill, orgasm was easier, especially in the week up to ovulation. (If you do use the Pill or implants, I don't suggest coming off them - risking an unplanned pregnancy if you don't want one will be one big major mental block for most people.)

LoisPuddingLane Mon 29-Jul-13 22:47:44

When I was on SSRIs, I found it really difficult to have an orgasm. It was like a thick layer of fabric was between me and the promised land. Hated it. I'm on tricyclics now and they don't dull things "down there".

ClartyCarol Mon 29-Jul-13 23:15:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AWarmFuzzyFuture Mon 29-Jul-13 23:50:33

Lube helps. I found that using lubrication on my clitoris helped a lot with enhancing the stimulation.

Start with the mind, good conversation, or erotic literature (I recommend and fly solo first.

No alcohol is best for me, but experiment - different times of day, empty/full stomach, before/after exercise etc.

I found that gravity and warm water helpsgrin


RaRaZ Tue 30-Jul-13 11:13:04

Gravity??? confused

OP, have you tried not having sexual contact AT ALL for several days (long enough to get you wound up) and then only having sex when you're really frustrated? Then, just let yourself go. I only ask cos I can have pretty long orgasms when I'm really really up for it and we haven't had sex for a few days, so mebbies it would help you in a similar way.

Bearhug : Funny that, cos I'm the same. Do you orgasm easily right up to ovulation though? (If you don't mind me asking - can't believe I'm asking you that blush) Just cos I find it easiest probably from about days 3-12 and I find I'm REALLY up for it then too. But both decrease a little after that, which I think is odd from an evolutionary point of view - wouldn't I be better off gagging for it when I'm ovulating??

EBearhug Tue 30-Jul-13 21:19:30

Apparently sperm can hang around for up to 7 days, so I suppose evoluntarily, it makes sense to get as much as you can a few days before. I think probably I go right up to ovulation, then it tails off for a week, where I'm not really bothered at all, then it sort of builds up a bit towards my period, then I've got to deal with cramps before it goes back towards ovulation again. Sometimes I feel I ought to track it in the interests of science, and then I realise I can't be bothered, because I'm probably not quite that self-obsessed or sex-obsessed or so I'd like to convince myself.

ArlingtonStringham Tue 30-Jul-13 21:53:05

Please don't feel like a freak.

Just giving my experience: I had my first ever solo orgasm in the shower with the shower head. Could never orgasm on my own before that. My first ever orgasm was from oral sex from my second sexual partner and it took me ages to work out how to do it to myself on my own after that! I never masturbated as a teen, just had no inclination to try somehow or knowledge of what I was doing - I am a late bloomer!

eccentrica Tue 30-Jul-13 22:11:35

In terms of cycle, I'm pregnant at the moment but usually my sexual desire (in the sense of needing to come) peaks immediately before my period, sometimes going on into the first day or two of bleeding. Which makes no sense at all evolutionarily speaking grin

OP has disappeared btw!

Sallyingforth Tue 30-Jul-13 22:49:43

Another vote here for trying it yourself first. You need to find out what works (and doesn't work) for you, so you can guide your DH. It might help to look at some porn to get the juices going.

EBearhug Wed 31-Jul-13 01:47:23

eccentrica, I think the premenstrual desire thing is presumably all to do with increased blood flow round that general area (which, appropriately, my phone wanted to correct to genital.)

So the OP should experiment through the month, as it may be easier some times than others.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now