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does it matter if i class him as abusive or not?

(53 Posts)
cahemo Sun 28-Jul-13 16:20:36

That's it really. My dh fits some of the criteria.

But I've spent ages trying to discover if he is and just had an epiphany - I'm still unhappy whether he is or not.

Apart from physical safety-I'm aware the bastards can get nasty if they're abusive, does it matter? Isn't being desperately unhappy enough a reason to leave?

Or does an abusive man react differently to the news you're leaving them than a normal non-abusive guy?

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 12:25:27

I had a talk with him last night. My not earning money has made him like this, apparently, and I've brought it all on myself.

I feel guilty about not bringing in money; but I'm being 'pathetic' and should feel ashamed.

I just don't know what to do. Is it all my fault. How would a normal guy react? Please help

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 12:30:35

If you're frightened of him and his behaviour is getting worse, get away and get safe first, then you can describe it any way you like. As others have said, pushing and verbal abuse are violent acts and you would be entitled to call the police and have him removed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 12:33:27

" My not earning money has made him like this, apparently, and I've brought it all on myself."

All abusive bullies say this kind of thing. 'If you were different, if you didn't do X, if you were a better person... I wouldn't have to treat you like this....' It's BULLSHIT

He would treat you like this regardless. It's not your fault he's an abusive bully. You are not 'pathetic'. Normal, decent human beings don't smack their partner around just because they aren't earning money.

Please get yourself safe.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 12:42:17

OK, CogitoErgoSometimes, please bear with me while I ask you a question: if a normal guy has a wife in this position and it puts him under stress, how would he react?

fedupwithdeployment Mon 29-Jul-13 12:45:54

After 3 years of not working (and getting a bit down about it), my DH was keen for me to go back to work. He said this pretty directly, and encouraged me...not once has he ever shouted at me or behaved in a threatening manner. I would say that was normal.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jul-13 12:49:18

I class my H as a "normal" guy

If he saw that I was too ill to work, was verging on agoraphobia, was mentally unwell and with self esteem on the floor and much of it was made much, much worse by his treatment of me he would consider he had failed miserably at supporting someone he was supposed to love and cherish

ChasedByBees Mon 29-Jul-13 12:49:22

I think my husband would encourage me and find jobs to apply for, or look at courses to retrain. He absolutely would never call me useless or shout at me about it. He would not blame his emotions on my employment status either.

ChasedByBees Mon 29-Jul-13 12:49:58

(By the way, looking for jobs or courses would be helpful suggestions, not demands).

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 12:51:22

A normal response would be, positivity, encourgement, helping with a CV and application forms, practising interview techniques, keeping an eye out for jobs, etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 12:54:25

Agreeing with others... 'normal' people might be stressed or disappointed or unhappy with any situation but they'd find ways to resolve it constructively rather than using it as a stick to beat you with.

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 12:57:10

When my now ex was unemployed, i was pregnant and struggling to work, i didnt get angry or shout, i encouraged him to apply for things, he eventually went for a job of 16 hours and got 37 hours instead, he still works for that company now and he got that job 6 years ago.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:00:41

It's not just the fact that I'm not currently working, though, it's the other things he has done: even when I was working I found out he was texting other women; he even told one of them he had 'full balls' for her-this has stuck in my mind for ages.

I was being silly and over-reacting. I've had enough of him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 13:01:13

The difference between an abusive person and a normal person is MOTIVATION. An abusive person is motivated by hatred, contempt and the desire to control. They will use any minor problem (real or imagined) as an opportunity to blame, shout, criticise & belittle. They love problems because it gives them an excuse. They will deliberately create problems if there isn't one handy

A normal person might get angry or upset or stressed but they are not motivated by hate

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 13:03:09

"even when I was working I found out he was texting other women"

Do you see?... Hatred, contempt, control. Even if you were bringing home a thousand a week he'd still have been sexting other women and then blaming you for it...

Glad you've had enough.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:05:27

Well that's the thing, at that point I was earning good money but still he did this. He has downplayed this just like he downplayed his behaviour the other day.

Ezio Mon 29-Jul-13 13:07:58

Cahemo, make a plan, fake it to make it until the plan goes into action, your depression will soon start to get better because he is probably causing it.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:09:49

I've had years of this; it all started with him telling me what to do in a nice I-know-what's-best kind of way.

I actually despise him now; he greatly exaggerates everything; the other day we were socialising in a pub and there was a young guy there he was chatting with. A conversation came up about Catholic boarding schools -he quite clearly said that his mother -who attended such a place- had been beaten by the nuns.

A complete and utter lie. Nothing like that had happened to her; she'd been well-treated at the convent.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 13:10:12

That's his default setting. Bullies all follow similar thought processes.

"I'm right, you're wrong. I'll keep telling you you're wrong so that it knocks the spirit out of you and you stop asking questions. If you start cottoning on to the fact that you're not wrong and I'm a bit of a bastard, I'll blame you for making me that way."

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jul-13 13:17:17

OP, hold onto that contempt for him

he is fully deserving of it

but make it motivate you to get away from him (safely)

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:18:58

Why lie about his mother. I mean just WHY lie about something like her getting beaten up at school?? He treats her like shit as well. Only contacts her once in a while, apparently, this is because he is ashamed of my not working.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jul-13 13:21:33

because he is an inadequate little shit who needs to big himself up by telling pointless lies and bolster his own well being by dragging others (you) down to his level

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Jul-13 13:22:53

He lies about it because it makes him sound more interesting or because it invokes sympathy or because he's trying to get the listener to identify with him. In short, it's to manipulate the response. When you first met him did you find that if you said you were interested in something he'd suddenly done it before or was an expert? Lots of 'me too' going on? All to get you on side thinking 'wow, we have so much in common'.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:23:13

AnyFucker I'm going to make a list of all the crummy things he has done and look at it in case I weaken.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 29-Jul-13 13:23:24

Thing is, you're a bit sensitive about not working, and financially dependent, so that's what he's having a go about. It's like bullies in the playground. Whatever they sense you might be sensitive about, they'll home in on. Hair colour, scar, wearing of glasses, height, early or late boob development, you name it, they'll press those buttons till they find one that hurts.

If you were in work, he'd be threatened by your success, or neglected because your attention was focussed away from him, or suspect you of cheating (the more a man is inclined to cheat himself, the more he is inclined to accuse his partner, as a rough rule of thumb!). I had one who went on and on about my weight - so I went on a diet, joined two exercise classes, got back into my pre-baby clothes, but he didn't like that because other men might find me attractive confused.

Believe me, you will get your confidence back by leaps and bounds when you are no longer being dragged down by that horrible man.

cahemo Mon 29-Jul-13 13:23:56

CogitoErgoSometimes God, that describes him to a tee!

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