Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Waves is determined to keep winning now that Acrobat has arrived.(989 Posts)
So, Acrobat did actually arrive (only just) on the last thread. And he is here and lovely!
Links to previous threads:
But these words of warning will ring in her ears imo! and come back when she needs them.
I'm here. Have been reading everything and so appreciate you all taking the time to post. And this is why I was honest here about what I was contemplating. Life is just rather manic! Partly of my own making what with job interviews, and now moving rooms about so I can empty a couple so I can strip wall paper and get flooring up. But mainly because it is a huge amount of work just doing the basics of meeting my children's needs and the bare minimum of housework.
This morning was a failure. Caspian was awake and feeding 12 til 1 then 4 til just before 6. I must have fallen asleep around 6.30 and woke up at 8.30 and my older 2 have to be at school by 8.40! Fortunately I always do lunch boxes the night before and DS1 was ready for school but DD was in a dressing up outfit. So I had to get them out the door ( in uniform) with lunches whilst Caspian was crying for a feed. DS1 went off without telling me whilst DD was getting changed then she had to go off by herself. I'm now sat down feeding Caspian and wondering when I will ever sleep again, and how the hell I will manage like this forever.
I'm on my phone so can't check back posts very easily but I recall a few questions.
The book that was recommended is ordered
He hasn't paid maintenance yet but is starting this month (£200 then up to £300 when he's been through court to reduce the other)
I've been spending time with him so he can get to know his youngest son
Part of me I think really believes that everyone deserves a second chance, but this is clouded by my starting to see the whole of this year as a bad dream. I need to re read what actually happened. Properly remind myself not just what was said and done but how utterly awful I felt as a result.
Today we have our 6 week check ups so maybe after that I will have time.
Job wise, very challenging role: they offered me the job but the salary was only 1k per annum more than my previous role which was far less demanding, allowed flexi time etc. it would cost way too much in terms of additional childcare to even contemplate the family compromises is need to make so that won't be going forward.
No news from the other places yet, I need something to work out though. Yesterday was first interview for another role, I am hoping I get a second stage interview with that.
Giving up one handed phone typing whilst breast feeding now as its a bit uncomfortable!
I know this is very hard for you at the moment, but it WILL get better. And soon. The older DC are able to do things for themselves, so get them to do those things. Getting breakfast for themselves, cereal/toast. Then washed, dressed, teeth cleaned. All doable.
Caspian wont feed this way forever, feeds will be reduced, solids (eventually introduced) will be here before you know it and it will be fine.
The job - well its a no goer really isnt it? £1k more isnt worth the stress and imbalance to your work/family life, never mind childcare costs.
Something else will come up.
As for twunt and second chance. Well, my love, you have given him far more than 2 chances. He has flung everything back in your face and tried to turn every single horrid thing that he has or has not done into being your fault. Not your fault at all!
Please re read, give yourself some clarity on what a horror he is. And yes, he can get to know his son, but not at the expense of your sanity and well being. Protect yourself and your DC.
Waves, did he treat his children and yours in the same way? Were there the same rules for both?
What did he call your children?
Did he encourage his children to make as much noise as possible when you were ill and needing rest?
Did he go and 'get laid' to 'celebrate' his new son?
Did he help in the house at all?
You really cannot get back with him. Getting on a reasonable footing with him is OK for Caspian's sake - but letting him back into your lives will just give him more control over you, and will be really bad news for your two lovely older children.
As you say waves, you need to read through your old threads/posts.
I applaud you encouraging a relationship between Casper and twunt, but why do you need to be so involved too? Could he not just visit Casper for an hour or so at set times whilst you do something else, or could you drop Casper off at twunt's whilst you do your shopping or something?
Don't let yourself be drawn back in with the excuse that he needs to see Caspian. It can be done without you spending time with him.
The thought of such a vile man sitting and cuddling your beautiful baby just makes me feel sick. He deserves nowhere near what you are giving him.
Wonderful posts from your loyal followers waves. Glad to hear from you this morning sounding refreshingly down to earth amidst hectic start.
Yes 2013 has been a bad dream for most of it but That Man was the cause of it. Now you are with Caspian and DCs are happy to have their mum back not sick and struggling and the present looks bright and the future brighter still. If your DCs at their age could understand you were poorly and not quite Fun waves surely an adult could.
Awash with happiness you feel a wave of goodwill and forgiveness. Not to be confused with, Blanking Out the H who slept around and did as little as possible to give you an iota of peace and Retrieving the fake persona of good guy and romantic partner. No, no, no. Lovely waves you are a star don't be a wally.
Good luck with job decisions and new lodger.
The book arrived, I have a second interview tomorrow following Mondays interview, and Caspian had a wonderful 6 week check up. I'm about to give him a bath and a bottle of expressed milk which has been our routine for the past week. Then hopefully he will settle so I can do some music practise for a performance I have on Saturday, then start reading the book.
Tomorrow I may begin to revisit my threads from my first post which was way back in January I think? I also need to remember that twunt was not bad to me a Long Time Ago, but that all this crappiness was still ongoing when Caspian was born. The lying, slagging me off, sleeping around... His ex even told me he lied about the night C was born. She offered to keep the boys and in fact the younger was desperately keen to stay with her. But rather than see me and his newborn son safely at home, he lied to me about them having to go to him. And fucked off within a couple of hours. Maybe less, all a blur. That was only 6 weeks ago.
I always wondered if the ex was being painted in a bad light, and you to her.
And he is off out with his mate tomorrow night to "wet the baby's head with beers and fanny". God I feel sick.
I wish I hadn't started reading the book . Almost every sentence resonates with me.... I wanted to be able to "pffft" and shake my head and say that's not me. But it is as though someone looked into the deepest parts of me and wrote down what they saw. I don't want to think that actually I am this person who is horribly addicted to twunt, like I was to my exH, and other partners along the way. There is too much spinning around in my head now. It's not going to be easy is it....
cold turkey isn't easy but the alternative is ruining your life and your dcs' lives with this "addiction".
but you can do it. for you. you are worth it. look how wonderful and kind and capable you are.
Sunlight is the best disinfectant, waves. Even if you only do so internally you need to shine a light on your recent actions - which seem so logical and magnanimous to you - everyone deserves a second chance - and so completely insane to the rest of us.
I understand why you want to believe you have overcome all the awful stuff in your past and that you're now so sorted and physically well again that you can cope with his bullshit without it upsetting you. Which is exactly what an addict would say in similar circumstances.
You will find a way to free yourself from the millstone that's holding you down - the only thing that's stopping you flying. If you can find a way to stop sabotaging yourself.
So glad you're back and taking stock of everything that's happened, your very first post was about him wanting you to have a late abortion! Why does that get him a second chance? He wanted to murder your gorgeous Caspian …please please take as long as you need BUT keep the bastard out of your lives, you all deserve so much better x
Thank you all for your messages. I'm crying just now because I texted him to cancel the evening together that was planned for Thursday. I am so pathetic. I am crying about this! Even with everything, everything he had said an done, and made me feel, it is so hard. I don't think anyone understands. I am terrified. I just want him to love me, to be enough that he loves me like at the start, I feel so flipping awful. I want a hug. I want to be enough for someone, I am tired of never ever being enough. And when my dad died I kept wanting him back to give me a hug and it wasn't because he always gave me hugs but because he never did and obviously mum didn't either. And I am so gutted. I try so hard to be good enough and I never even am. Even when I was in labour in the delivery room I felt I had to prove I was good enough to twunt. Like I was doing a test.
And the stupid thing. I don't trust "nice" men. I never ever had a nice boyfriend because I didn't understand those sorts of men. How utterly messed up is this. I am 34 and obviously a complete mess. How am I meant to be a good mum or a valuable employee if I am such an emotional train wreck of a person. I honestly honestly thought I was so much more psychologically aware, so much better than I was a decade ago.
I want to stop crying. Because I am crying for the wrong reason. I am crying because I am scared that now I really have blown my chances for good this time with twunt. This makes me a bad mother. Please please please tell me things will be ok? I'm so scared now.
Waves, you managed to go cold turkey when you were really ill, when you needed help, when you were at your lowest. The strength you showed then, keeping your children's life together and as stable as possible, filled with love, shows how strong you are, what a good mother you are. The fact that you could do it then means that you can do it now.
Probably the fact that you're feeling so much better probably has resulted in you letting your guard down somewhat.
Stay strong for all of your children. Remember Caspian wouldn't be here if you'd listened to him 9 months ago.
It is not that you are not good enough. It is that your parents and your previous men were not good enough for you.
You are a wonderful person and a fantastic mother. Something in your childhood has skewed your view of yourself. I understand because I am a bit like you.
But one day you will find a nice man and you will trust him. That happened to me and we have been married now for 25 years.
Sending you hugs.
Everything will be fine. You have not blown the chance to have a wonderful life with three beautiful healthy balanced children.
You have blown the chance to have a relationship with a male who you could never trust during the hard times. A man who will run at the the first sign of trouble and who will abuse as he goes.
You have blown the chance to be with someone who will put his own needs above those of his children and his incredibly sick wife.
You have blown the chance of repeating this cycle of dependence. You have blown the chance to show your daughter how to be addicted to men, how to allow abusive men to treat her.
You now have the chance to find that nice man, be treated the way you deserve. To show your children what a real loving supportive relationship is.
You are amazing and you are more then enough for your gorgeous children.
Cold turkey it has to be then. Practically this is going to be really difficult given my little Acrobat is actually here in the world now. I'm also going to have to insist on maintenance being paid aren't I.
My mum was of little help when I confided in her this afternoon. Rather than say don't be stupid , look at how he treated you, she said I'd need to think hard because his boys can be badly behaved. I was so angry that shed focus on them, particularly as the youngest is autistic and the older has fairly complex emotional problems. AND my DD has been appalling recently and could probably give masterclasses in how to wind up your mum in minutes.
See, it's back to "what waves deserves", like with the pressure from my parents to stay with exH even after the physical abuse, cheating, axe incident etc...
Anyway, I'm going to try to get back to sleep. Another interview tomorrow lunchtime and I need to be able to focus on that.
Oh sweetheart "what waves deserves " is good kind caring man who loves her and her 3 wonderful children!
They do exist: )
Are any of these jobs oiffering you a chance to move to the mainland? I think a change of area away from twunt and TB (she really is a crap mum) is what you need, a fresh start for all 4 of you.
I wonder if your cancellation will bring back the twunt behaviour to remind you what a shit he is.
Be strong …and I know you can do that, you go through vomiting for 24 hrs a day for 9 months during which you took your children the beach, made stacks of glorious cake and ice cream, painted your bump cast, and took in lodgers …(I've probably missed something ) but look at all those things you did on your own.
Just realised the only person /people you need to be "enough " for is you and your children!
Waves, you are unbelievably awesome. But you do not demonstrate that you are better than these people (which you indisputably are) by showing kindness and forgiveness to them. Be good enough for yourself - you have nothing to prove. Stop being the good girl seeking approval and start being the lioness mother who takes no shit from anyone. You completely have that in you, believe me.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.