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Feeling disrespected what do I do now?(34 Posts)
Have an ongoing issue/argument with DP. Basically, a few times he has thrown out stuff that belongs to me or DC. Not amazingly important stuff - once a bag of toys I had put away for DD when she was a toddler as she had too many out at once. Once a ride on she never played with and cluttered house but I wanted to keep as from my parents and expensive. Also a wedding invitation and details which was a pain and most recently a load of papers - which included some of my medical records and a £50 voucher.
I've expressed my annoyance/upset to him every time. The last time I got properly angry, didn't yell but told him really seriously that I found it really disrespectful and hurtful that he showed so little regard for my things. I really thought he got it but today I went out while he was at work leaving some of DDs drawings on his desk. I wanted to put them on wall but couldn't find any blu tac. I come home to find them torn up in kitchen bin.
I was so angry and I told him that. His reason 'I thought they were waste paper'.
Now I feel at the end of my tether. He keeps apologising and seemingly understands but just goes and does it again. He values different stuff - is not sentimental like me. He doesn't think stuff through in detail is more of a doer. And most of the stuff he has thrown away was lying around a bit. But I don't accept this as a reason to bin stuff. I think if he loves and respects me and knows that him chucking stuff bothers me he could look at stuff when he picks it up and not bin it unless it is his! I feel like taking all the clothes he has lying arounfld house and pouring bleach on them but that would make me a hypocrite!
I don't want to leave him over this but I think I need to do something to show him I am serious. What should I do mumsnet? At the moment I feel disrespected and tense about putting anything down in my house. It can't go on like this.
How can I rebuild trust and be convinced he respects me? I don't know what to ask for. And I wonder if I have been too forgiving. I'm not a sulker and when he has said sorry before I accept it and carry on as usual.
Help me mumsnet!
Sorry it is long. TIA
So if your daughter left you a present of a surprise picture on your desk you would bin it ,
Yes i probably would if it looked like scrap paper. I dont understand why that would be surprising. But I don't have a daughter and pregnant with our first so hard to put myself in that position. But i have binned lots of pictures made for me by my nieces and nephew whom i love dearly. I cant help it, i am a bit of a neat freak and my entire family know what i am like. No one seems to have taken offence yet. We tend to have a giggle about it. I have been like this from been very young (37 now). My DM tells me I used to get really upset if things were moved from where they normally were from a young age. I guess we are all different. In the same way Op struggles with staff been binned. I struggle with staff been left about looking messy at home.. Not bothered about other people's homes just ours.
One of the things I know I will struggle with following birth of baby will be staff been everywhere. But DF and I have come up with a solution that we think
hope will help with my OCD neatness post birth of chickpea.
I hate clutter and tidy obsessively, but I don't think YABU at all.
My ex was a hoarder and we had agreed places his stuff could live and I used to regularly dump paperwork etc in his study, but I would never have thrown anything away.
He was my husband and I respected him and his stuff, even though it drove me batty sometimes.
We are probably the other way around here - DH can be messy and I'm the one constantly tidying up the stuff left about (by the kids mostly). I found that, rather than constantly having to check with DH what was important, anything that I know is important to him goes upstairs onto his desk (which I never clean) and any mail/stuff I'm not sure about goes into a pile on the right hand side of the dresser that's earmarked as "his" stuff. Similarly, the left-hand side of the dresser is "my" pile and has my diary, letters, etc, on it and everyone knows not to touch it
because they ruin my careful organisation. It works very well.
I'd imagine that kind of thing would benefit you too in that you wouldn't be leaving stuff everywhere and he would know where to put everything.
Ah..just adding to my previous post. I don't throw things away. I have a place for everything. Pictures my dcs bring home from school go straight on the pinboard in the kitchen. I make sure there is ample storage from shoes to filing to toys. I have a 'stuff draw' for my dh. He puts his keys, wallet, change and anything in there when he gets home. We have a small house so I see it as shared space and everyone does their bit to put things away. Obviously there is stuff that has no home but that gets put in a quiet 'to do' pile in a corner until dh as actions his share of the pile (with a deadline!) And i do mine. Everything in my home has a purpose and a place. And if not a purpose its an item of beauty like a plant or sculpture. But that's just me and my dh learns to live with it and appreciates the space and beauty (and I take inspiration from home magazines like Living and Condenast (!! Lol from my mates!). Plus I've trained dh to put his dirty boxers and towels in the linen basket not the floor!! Its been beneficial but you both have to find what works for you.
It should be very easy for him to put what he thinks should be thrown away in a bag or box for you to check through and decide what can go and what can't.
Thanks everyone. Had a chat with DP which turned into opening a massive can of worms about how we are not communicating, and everything that is wrong with our relationship. Then we made an action plan. Still not sure where we stand on the chucking stuff thing but phew been through the mill today!
He has no right at all to chuck stuff out that clearly is not rubbish but is not in what he considers the correct place. I hope he replaced the children's toys and the £50 voucher!
Fucking nerve I'd say. Glad you've had a chat. Hope things get better.
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