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When does jealousy become a MH issue?

(146 Posts)
opalescent Sat 27-Jul-13 10:28:12

So much has happened, but I don't have the energy to give a full overview, but here are the bare bones.
Dp suffers with extreme jealousy, and I have a feeling that it has been a feature of his previous relationships too. He particularly obsesses over the past (as in, my previous partners etc.), and gets into terrible vile moods on a regular basis, where he makes the house environment unbearable. Generally these moods will culminate in a huge row, where I tell him how untenable this is, threaten to leave, and he becomes remorseful, we make up, and things return to (an uneasy) normality.
His jealousy creeps into all aspects of our life, and when I think about it, I have modified my life in so many ways to fit around it. I'm frightened of the future, and feel stifled.
I don't know who I am anymore, I feel full of self doubt.
Aside for this issue, we are incredibly close and intimate. He is a committed and supportive partner, and a lovely dad to our baby.
He's had counselling. It helped at the time, then wore off.
He can be nasty and verbally abusive when he's in the grip of an 'episode'.
I've lost all my confidence.
We are so financially entwined sad
I don't know what to do, but would appreciate your thoughts...

Secretswitch Sat 27-Jul-13 12:29:20

Parenting a baby even...patenting a baby seems a bit ott unless you are a Kardashian..

ImperialBlether Sat 27-Jul-13 12:39:22

I wouldn't want to be around, waiting for him to come home when he's in a mood like that.

Can you possibly go to your mum's now?

JulietteMontague Sat 27-Jul-13 16:08:33

OP as you said, it doesn't really matter if its a mental health issue or not. What does matter is that his behavior is already affecting your well being. He is not just jealous but possessive and controlling and doesnt think you have a right to a life before him or any independent life now. You will never be able to convince him you're not up to no good, you are dealing with an irrational man who makes up stuff to accuse you and keep you in your place. There will be nowhere that is off limits to his accusations, and you'll face bringing up your DC into that world of hiding things, avoiding places and people.

It will only get worse, this isn't a life for you or your baby and I would seriously consider getting some space away from him so you can think clearly about how you can build a healthy life for you and DC.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 27-Jul-13 16:34:35

It will only get worse, this isn't a life for you or your baby and I would seriously consider getting some space away from him so you can think clearly about how you can build a healthy life for you and DC.

Sound advice there.

Dahlen Sat 27-Jul-13 16:40:00

Your DP is an abuser. Putting his jealousy down to MH issues is a red herring. There are lots and lots of classic indicators of abuse in your relationship, not just the jealousy, and I think you are spot on in your understanding that the extreme closeness is simply a manifestation of his need to possess rather than any real emotional depth of feeling.

I'm very sorry. I know that's hard to hear when you have a small baby.

If you google abusive relationships I think you'll find a lot that resonates with you and hopefully some advice about where to go from here.

opalescent Sat 27-Jul-13 16:55:20

Well, he's gone. I've been out at a friends house this afternoon, snapped and text him to leave, because I couldn't put up with anymore of this crap. he's been home and taken some of his stuff. It's probably just another stunt to get my attention/cause drama. But I feel like this has to be it.
It's so painfulsad
Why? I have been nothing other than a loving and patient partner.

opalescent Sat 27-Jul-13 16:56:50

We own a house together. And our car. I can't get by without him financially, no way. What do I do?

Dahlen Sat 27-Jul-13 17:06:56

One step at a time. Right now you need emotional support. Forget about the practicalities and get a friend or family member around to give you some much-needed TLC.

Disentangling your lives will be painful and difficult but it is doable and well worth it. You may be able to stay in the home. As a single parent with a baby you will be entitled to financial support. Put your figures in this site and it will show you what help you could expect to get. Or you may choose to leave and get a smaller place that is more manageable on your income. Mortgages can be ended/made single name, cars can be bought and sold. There is always a way.

Part of his abuse has been to make you dependent on him. Part of your journey to a new, happier life is to reclaim some independence. You can do this without him. It's a damn site easier than living with someone who constantly questions you, undermines you and wears you down.

Good luck.

chipmonkey Sat 27-Jul-13 17:37:05

opalescent, stay strong. He does have to support his child. He will probably beg and plead to come back at some stage but don't let him. Houses and cars can be sorted. The rest of your life is far more important.

lemonstartree Sat 27-Jul-13 17:42:51

morbid jealousy is dangerous. And frightening. I am rather worried for you and would urge you to confide in friends and family as far as you feel able - their practical support and grounding may prove vital.

This is very much not normal. Unless he is willing to try hard to change I think you know that you deserve better

opalescent Sat 27-Jul-13 17:50:30

I feel strangely calm (although I hate the idea of sleeping alone later-big baby that I am). I'm not going to give in to his tantrums this time. Although I say that having not really heard from him,
I know I'll feel so alone tonightsad
Thankyou everyone.

Secretswitch Sat 27-Jul-13 18:27:32

Big hugs to you, opalescent. You have made such a huge leap today! Can someone come and stay with you tonight? Or perhaps you are not feeling like company..The night my partner left was somewhat surreal. I had asked him to leave also. I knew it was the best thing for me, but I sobbed for hours. Death of a dream hurts badly. I locked every door in the house, and slept on the sofa . (with all lights on, ofcourse)
My parents helped me figure out the financials. It was not easy, and he did not make it easy. His goal seemed to be to cause me as much crap as possible.
Just FYI, the jealousy did not end when he left. He barged in at all hours of day and night (apparently to catch me with another man) He called mutual friends to tell them of my infidelity ( there was none) He stole mail from my box. I just want you to know his behaviour may worsen. Please ate care of yourself and your lovely baby..
Keep us posted...

Apileofballyhoo Sat 27-Jul-13 18:29:29

Hi opalescent

I'm sorry you are feeling alone. It is better though that he is gone. You can't live your life on eggshells. Are you sure he won't come back? If I were you I'd be thinking of changing the locks. Can anybody come and stay with you tonight?

You do not have to engage with his unpleasantness and I would make that clear to him. You are under no obligation to engage with him when he is being irrational. Keep that in mind. Do not respond, do not defend, just ignore. Put yourself in a calm place and take yourself mentally out of the relationship.

The jealousy/nastiness/abuse is his problem, not yours. It actually has nothing to do with you. If he had an addiction it would be a case of remembering the three Cs - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I wish I could be of more practical help. Keep posting here. I am sure you will find a lot of RL friends are more than willing to help with practicalities as they want you to be happy.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 27-Jul-13 18:35:26

Opal I'm so sorry it has come to this. This is the hardest part but you are doing the right thing.

Can you get a really stupid film to watch or even stay up late watching come dine with me/8 out of 10 cats/whatever else is on, mess around on mumsnet until exhausted, play silly games on facebook, whatever requires little input and will be tiring. You'll definitely find company on here at all hours, I know it's not the same.

If it's appropriate put on some music that he always hated. Good way to feel the freedom of being alone rather than the loneliness.

Secretswitch Sat 27-Jul-13 19:08:07

YonibottsBumgiba, excellent advice! Maybe put on an item of clothing he did not want you to wear, lest you get any admiring glances. I know you are so sad and anxious right now...but perhaps take a small minute to revel in your freedom..

opalescent Sat 27-Jul-13 19:12:14

That is excellent advicesmile
The house feels surprisingly peaceful- a rarity. You are all so kind to take the time to post..

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 27-Jul-13 20:45:34

Are you having thunderstorms tonight? We've had some here and it feels so fresh and clean now.

opalescent Sat 27-Jul-13 21:13:33

Yes, I love thunderstorms. Love them!
I miss him. I keep panicking and wanting to ring him, and tell him to come homesad

Secretswitch Sat 27-Jul-13 21:43:34

Opalescent, it is normal to miss him. You have a shared history together. You have the ability to decide how you want to conduct your life. We will support you in whatever decision you make. Relationship section is here for that very reason.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 28-Jul-13 11:21:44

Hoping you got on ok last night and are feeling ok this morning Opal.

opalescent Sun 28-Jul-13 12:10:50

I did sleep ok thankyou. I'm off it for a while now. I'm feeling sad at the lack of obvious distress on dps part. No professions of love, apologies, or begging to come back. I think I'm supposed to be pleading with him to come back. but I'm determined to be stronger this time.

opalescent Sun 28-Jul-13 12:18:01

Off OUT for a while nowgrin

Apileofballyhoo Sun 28-Jul-13 12:47:21

but I'm determined to be stronger good for you!

Secretswitch Sun 28-Jul-13 14:44:49

Just checking in opalescent. Wishing you a calm and peaceful day. Xx

opalescent Mon 29-Jul-13 08:12:12

Well he's backsad
We had a huge, horrible row yesterday afternoon. I wish I could say that I had a change of heart because he was so lovely. But he wasn't at all. Utterly vile actually. continuing to make lewd and spiteful remarks about the past. Obviously still in the grip of an episode- where he says he feels totally emotionless, and cannot empathise at all. and constantly coming up to me saying 'if i leave now, I'm never coming back- is that what you want?'. Just made it so long and drawn out, that I didn't have the energy to stick to my guns.
Seriously- could this be a treatable mh problem? The way he is at his worst is so unlike his everyday personality- totally stony faced and cruel. And genuinely seeming to think that I should suffer for what I've done wrong (being with someone else before him).

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