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MIL drama - was I being oversensitive?

(57 Posts)
tangerinefeathers Sat 27-Jul-13 06:27:43

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Marylou2 Mon 29-Jul-13 12:01:39

Dear Tangerinefearthers, I can feel your stresss and anxiety and I know it's not just based on the comments in your post. I'm sure there's a lifetime of toxic comments and petty attempts to undermine you. I can almost feel this womans anger and jealousy seeping from her. You have every reason to be cross as she is invading your space for such long time as you are preparing for your baby to arrive. Perhaps this time as she's already here you just have to take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other until she leaves As Churchill said "When you're going through hell, Keep going...." Also next time maybe a weekend in a hotel rather than a week in your home.

tangerinefeathers Mon 29-Jul-13 11:23:36

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LunaticFringe Mon 29-Jul-13 10:20:12

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JustinBsMum Mon 29-Jul-13 08:15:36

If he never gets angry he probably has trained himself over many years as he grew up (maybe his father's example?) to suppress it and be resigned to her behaviour (maybe his father's example was so extreme he preferred to suppress his own anger instead).

tangerinefeathers Mon 29-Jul-13 05:44:36

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Jux Mon 29-Jul-13 03:23:39

Quite agree, LunaticFringe. We are taught to be kind, polite and so when we first notice that something's a bit off, we tend to disbelieve it. Then, our h's say "oh that's just how she is" so we try tolerance, but it gets woorse, and evetually it's intolerable. Then our h's let us down and suddenly there you are, leaving the house when she arrives..... Yes, I've been there, could you tell?

LunaticFringe Sun 28-Jul-13 17:44:43

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tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 13:31:37

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Isetan Sun 28-Jul-13 11:27:37

As with most MIL issues, the issues mainly stem from their children's inability to stand-up to them.

Your H needs to take more responsibility when she visits. Him not cleaning the bathroom, inviting his awkward mother when he had no leave left and not making alternative arrangements when she extended her stay is bang out of order. She does sound like she has some serious issues which she probably isn't that aware of rather than being a total cow (which explains why your H's childhood was so dysfunctional and abusive).

This has gone on long enough so your expectations of both your H and MIL should have been set by now, she's socially awkward and has no respect for boundaries and your H is weak. It didn't take hindsight to foresee what was going to happen. If you are going to invite her then you need to develop a much thicker skin and develop strategies for dealing with her (running away from your own house is avoiding, not handling). This isn't just about you OP, your children will learn a lot from how you conduct yourself.

Communicate what your boundaries are, communicate the consequences of overstepping those boundaries and most important, follow through.

Your H may never really stand up and defend you, deal with it, stand up for yourself. Do not let your children grow up in a house where respect and accountability are missing.

Partridge Sun 28-Jul-13 10:11:08

Miss marples I have a mil who regularly makes remarks such as, "have you always been a heavy girl?" and " I always knew you'd be an extravagant wife," plus telling me she hates all her gs names.

She didn't tell my dh when his father had died (despite him having a good relationship with his df). so i think i have walked a mile thank you very much. However she adores my kids and my husband wants to maintain a relationship with her. I love him and I wouldn't dream of making that awkward for him.

We don't see her much and I confront her when her behaviour is out of line. She ignores this but I feel better for standing up for myself. She doesn't mean to be evil and had a very cold, dysfunctional childhood herself. I am the lucky one with warm, loving relationships so can be the bigger person in this instance. Plus I have some empathy for her - life is tough when you find it so hard to communicate positively with people.

tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:57:56

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tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:56:31

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tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:53:48

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JustinBsMum Sun 28-Jul-13 09:52:44

But do wonder why she ended up coming for 9 days, NINE, far too long. A couple of nights is more than enough for most. Then you could steel yourself, OP, just grit teeth and have a rant when she is gone.

You and DH need to man up a bit too and tell her two days is enough or whatever.

Do you believe that you can actually keep her out of your's and DCs lives for ever. If you can't would be better to make up a bit. But only have her visit for a day or two in the future.

tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:48:42

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MissMarplesBloomers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:43:35

Patridge & curlew have you actually read the whole thread & all of tangerinesposts? shock

She has tried and tried to resolve things it seems and taking herself away from the situation rather than end of up having an unholy row with MIL, not good for anyone,particularly herself and the baby!

Walk a mile in her shoes before you criticise!

Partridge Sun 28-Jul-13 09:41:57

Ok fair dos. That does sound a lot worse than you had previously implied. Going from her comments to you up thread your reaction was totally disproportionate.

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 28-Jul-13 09:41:18

Just read about DH's childhood. It sound terrible but I'm still wondering if the abuse could have been part of lacking empathy ?

Where was his Dad when this was going on?

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 28-Jul-13 09:37:23

Like Vatta I wondered about aspergers.

Turn this around a bit and you may see things differently. If she doesn't understand social rules she may have no idea how or why she keeps offending you sad

If she can only make conversation by asking you questions, every attempt to connect with you pushes you further away.

She perhaps responds with anger and frustration because she is incapable of seeing things from another perspective - and may not be doing it deliberately at all, which is what you (and the rest of her family and friends think)

She wants breakfast so makes it for herself.She is probably unaware that this is rude and selfish if she cannot think the way you do.

The wedding thing may have just been about trying to keep up with social norms that everyone but her understands and getting it wrong.

Roshbegosh Sun 28-Jul-13 09:35:44

Sorry tangerine not having a go at you at all. Just saying it is tricky.

Roshbegosh Sun 28-Jul-13 09:34:07

Yes curlew me too. Being DM gives you all the power and oh boy do people use it. I was reading another thread where some posters think it reasonable to visit MIL's home and dictate who does the chores. Position reversed it would be "fuck off out of my house". Wait a few years and then see ...

tangerinefeathers Sun 28-Jul-13 09:33:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew Sun 28-Jul-13 09:25:08

I often wonder what would happen if some of these MIL stories were posted as if it was a male DP refusing to be in the house at the same time as the OP's mother, or taking offence at perfectly innocent remarks made by her......

Partridge Sun 28-Jul-13 09:22:27

* pathologise * sorry - auto corrected.

Partridge Sun 28-Jul-13 09:19:02

I also hope you have another ds and then you may be forced to develop some empathy for the incredibly invidious position that is being the mil.

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