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(66 Posts)
nitrox Thu 25-Jul-13 18:34:06

I just graduated. I received a card from all my loved ones apart from my boyfriend. We have been together over 4 years and he's been supportive of my degree in the most.

I don't understand, they are on the mantle, he's seen them. Got a few gifts yesterday from my mum, but still nothing today. Just a cheap 79p card would have been fine.

When I found out I had won an award and had to go to a special ceremony before the main graduation ceremony, he said 'cool' and then proceeded to ask me what time we have to leave now and other questions as though he was more irritated than happy.

He's said things to suggest that 'the world is my oyster and I can get a job anywhere', he is insecure and this has always caused conflict as I'm not, in fact I'm very outgoing.

I've posted a few times over the last 2yrs and I always come back to the same turmoil of whether to stay with him. We had a big row around Christmas where I said I wasn't happy and was thinking of whether we had a future or not, he said he would change, and did.. But it's things like this that make me wonder if he acting? Just wanting to get a house and family..

He made a fuss when I mentioned buying a smart/casual outfit got the graduation, even though he's a good looking and slim bloke, so he isn't self conscious or anything. He also made a fuss when I asked him to drive as his car is more reliable and I would be nervous and distracted.

I've been thinking of relocating for a job if I get offered one, and I know he won't want to.. I just don't know what on earth to do anymore...

I know you'll say the same as you have said before (I'm looking at you cogito) lol, but HOW do you decide?

I'm 30, have my own online business and no kids or financial ties..

conorsrockers Sat 27-Jul-13 06:32:16

It's super hard. But it must be done. (and I'm definately not one of the LTB gang). There's nothing there for you and he is not your responsibility. Get yourself a 0% credit card and book that plane ticket.Take your stuff to your Mum's and go. The quicker you get it over with, the kinder it will be for both of you. I was in a very similar situation 10 years ago and it was one of the hardest things I did (and even harder not to go back when he begged and pleaded for 6 months after). Don't waste another minute. This is the start of the rest of your life. Be strong.

karinmaria Sat 27-Jul-13 05:54:39

Morning nitrox,
Funnily enough your answers to my questions where near on identical to my sister's.

You just don't sound happy. You've just earned a fabulous educational accolade which will help your business and career and yet you don't seem to be allowing yourself to feel proud of your achievement because your of your bf.

Cogito is really onto something with her last comment.

The sex thing is also very odd and seems to be like everything else in your relationship: all about him. Why aren't your needs being met?

You say you'd like some spontaneity but that never happens. You would like him to recognise life events like graduations and birthdays but he never does unless you prompt him. You'd like to go out and socialise but he makes such a fuss that he spoils it for you. (Even on your 30th birthday weekend.)

You are with a man so inherently selfish and manipulating that he is sapping the life out of you.

I can understand you can't see a way out but surely that's the only way? I am sure if you packed your bags, called one of your friends and told him/her what you have told us, they would take you in until you'd sorted a new place or house share. That's what friends do. That is your way out.

clam Fri 26-Jul-13 12:15:54

So if I say to you, how will you feel being married to him in 20 years' time, what's you gut reaction? Heart sinking? Rosy-eyed contentment?

You're in a very strong position; sounds like he knows it. Move on.

ImperialBlether Fri 26-Jul-13 12:12:15

OP, how long would it take you to save up for a trip to Australia? When you say you're working now, do you mean you're working for yourself? Is it the kind of business where if you put a lot of effort in now, you'll make a lot more money? (Not sure what kind of business you have.)

Yes, I daresay you'll get a bunch of flowers this afternoon. Too little, too late. A gift you've had to ask for isn't a gift. Wouldn't it have been nice if just once he'd been proud enough of your achievements to have them delivered on the day you got your results?

He knows you're trying to escape now and he'll do anything he can to keep you there. I wouldn't be surprised if a proposal comes out of nowhere, or a suggestion that you have children now. The more you slip away emotionally, the harder he'll try to drag you back. Don't let him.

What I would really love is for you to come back on here from Australia, where you're having a fantastic time.

Don't let this man hold you back! He sounds like hard work and actually a waste of your time, and you must stop letting yourself be dragged down by him.

Get booked on a flight and get to Australia to see your sister, 2 and a half years is a long time..,.and it will make for a clean break.

Life is too short!

nkf Fri 26-Jul-13 11:52:46

Cogito, you're onto something there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Jul-13 11:22:34

Actually... if overachievers have a fatal flaw it's that they are tenacious. They will keep trying to make something work long after others would have given up. An admirable quality in a lot of respects... Alan Sugar wouldn't employ a quitter... but a disaster in terms of relationships.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 26-Jul-13 11:17:36

nitrox I really wish you could see yourself and your relationship the way it looks from the outside.

You: Bright, successful, active, clever
Your relationship: joyless and dismal bond with a loser who is dragging you down

You can't see a way out because you've been mired inside for so long, and you -- overachiever that you are! -- have a tendency to focus on everyone's wellbeing before your own. But you are only trapped so long as you feel obligated to this man and responsible for his wellbeing. The day you realise that he is responsible for his wellbeing, and you are responsible for yours, is the day you will see that the way out is right there, and is as simple as booking that trip to Australia, applying for that job abroad, turning to him and saying "Loserboy, this relationship isn't working for me, it's over."

Dahlen Fri 26-Jul-13 11:06:06

YOu need to end this now. Whether intentional or unintentional this man is leaching the joy out of you and you want completely different things. There is no future for the two of you other than one marred by lost dreams and growing resentment.

cory Fri 26-Jul-13 10:48:26

tbh I am not convinced from what you tell me that he even would be a great father (one of the few positives on your list)

being a father isn't just about blowing raspberrys at a chubby baby: it includes a lifetime of being a support and a rock to someone who eventually is set to outgrow you and leave you, having quite possibly out-clevered you

he sounds terribly insecure for that role

AuntieVenom Fri 26-Jul-13 10:44:24

I'll never forget the words of a Uni lecturer just before graduation. He said that on graduation people that were in a relationship either got engaged or broke up. I was one of the ones that broke up with my long term university boyfriend (with him 4 years). Everything you're describing is how I felt with my ex in the months before we split and the relief we did was immense.
To quote Steve Jobs “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Jul-13 10:34:49

Don't stay with someone just because they grovel. All you can ever feel for someone like that is contempt and that really doesn't bring out the best in anyone.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 10:12:49

Arghhh blush I agree with everything that's being said, I just can't see a way out.

We just went on holiday, it was nice, if not a little boring.. and so I have lost 2 weeks wages, which is hard when you are self employed.

I have just emailed the company that gave me the award as he gave me his business card and asked me to email him. I can only hope that going into the industry I have my degree in would give me an escape route without feeling guilty.

Boyfriend is grovelling by text now, saying how sorry he is hat he's upset me.

That's the problem, he upsets me, the damage is done then he's oh so very sorry and grovelling and I forgive again too easily.

I think I might make a plan to visit my sister, I've not seen her in 2.5years, I just need to save up for the tickets and pick a time, I know once I'm out there I'll love it.

UnrequitedSkink Fri 26-Jul-13 09:56:17

How would he react if you told him that you'd decided to go abroad to visit your sister for a few weeks? I think you need to get some head space so you can see what is glaringly obvious to the rest of us: this man is a drain, not a radiator. You're so young and talented and above all free to do what you want! There are massive warning signs all over the place that you really should not get tied down to him.

nkf Fri 26-Jul-13 09:40:43

My ex didn't buy me a thing when I got a terrific promotion. Bad bad sign.

OctopusPete8 Fri 26-Jul-13 09:37:41


no wonder, it seems very clinical, it's what prozzies n punters do.

Me n' DH are each others firsts and we don't do that. So I don't think being inexperienced matters, does he have like any other cleanliness issues.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:55:22

The sex thing - he will text during the day asking me if I fancy it.. confused a lot of the time I'm busy with work, and no I don't 'fancy it', but I guess I go along with it. So yes, when he gets it he'll say 'are you going to get a shower?' in an apparently sexy way.. and so I do, he does and then I'm waiting for him to finish his shower and I'm sorry, but the romance / passion etc is all gone for me by that point blush.

To the point where I don't look forward to it at all.

I have tried to talk to him about this, and said it would be nice to just do it in the morning when we wake up at the weekend, or sometimes it's nice just to do it because we want to. But he pretty much said he liked to be clean and didn't seem keen at all.

When I think back to my ex, it was the total opposite, so I think I know what 'normal' is, whereas he was most likely a virgin when we met, or pretty close to that.

OctopusPete8 Fri 26-Jul-13 08:51:02

Oh dear I feel really , sad reading this , you love life just seems so sad,

the showering thing is odd, how have you played along with it so long, what does he do say, I'm feeling randy go and get showered?

you don't even have kids to turn your life into a drudgefest there's no excuse really.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:44:15

changeforthebetter wow, my BF hasn't been that obvious, but I get the feeling he would love to say something similar.

TSSDNCOP he's been hard work from the start, he really has. sad I should have walked away then.

TSSDNCOP Fri 26-Jul-13 08:32:58

OP one thing I know now, al though you should work on a relationship it shouldn't feel like hard work. The thing that comes over in your posts is the sheer amount of effort required in your relationship.

Time to leave before resentment and bitter become your room-mates.

changeforthebetter Fri 26-Jul-13 08:31:25

My X told me my first with distinctions wasn't the best as it wasn't starredhmm My higher degree was a "failed PhD" hmm hmm (I wasn't funded nor had I applied for a PhD. I did apply for and get funding for the degree I got). He is jealous and/or feeling inadequate. Don't marry him and fgs don't have kids with him ( though I wouldn't swap mine now). Oh and huge congratulations on your degree and awardsmile thanks wine

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:28:33

Cogito and Imperial - I'm always amazing at how easily you read my situation, I guess it's a common theme in relationships.

Do you look forward to coming home to him every night? Can you see yourself marrying him, having children etc? Does he make an effort for you when it comes to the small stuff?

He's always odd when he gets in from work, I wouldn't say I look forward to it really no blush.

If I think of a wedding, all I see is him ruining it by stressing about what he'll wear, who to invite, where it'll be held etc..

Small stuff - not really.. only in so far as what I ask him to do, and to be honest, more recently he's not been bothering. When I've been at maximum stress levels with work and Uni, especially at Christmas time, it's when he seems to slack the most. If I've not done any housework, neither will he, even though he can see I'm struggling.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:22:25

My 30th, we went to London for the weekend, something I've mentioned to him about wanting to do. We staying in a Travelodge, and just did sightseeing, led by me of course. I took us to all the places, worked out the tube etc etc..

I had booked tickets (and paid myself) to go and see Les Miserables, but he fussed so much over what to wear, 'I don't want to have to dress up and be poncey' etc, that I pretended I wasn't bothered either and so we didn't go. blush

He literally just booked the train tickets and hotel for that weekend and I sorted out everything else it seems.

I had a great time, partly due to the great weather, but we didn't go out for drinks, or meet up with the couple of old friends I know in London.. confused sad

I was single in my early 20's for about 10 months, and it's some of the happiest times I remember.

nitrox Fri 26-Jul-13 08:18:27

Thanks everyone, sorry I didn't come back last night, I was just mulling everything over and trying to work out what to do.

I've been here so many times before and I always end up just carrying on, until the next things that puts me into this spiral of despair.

I've not said anything to him, but I think he senses something. I have text him this morning to ask why he didn't get me a card. I know texting isn't great, but when I talk face to face he always goes way over the top, he can't just talk like adults, he descends into name calling, bringing up the past, accusing me of an affair.. basically anything that can divert the attention from his selfishness.

He's replied saying he's sorry and there is something on its way for me this morning, flowers probably from Interflora.. but that's totally missing the point.. and it's also why I've left it until today to say anything as I had a feeling he would say 'I've ordered something actually!', he's had enough time and two chances (my grades being released and the day itself) to sort out a card.

This really is the tip of the iceberg. I think I'm fed up of leading the relationship, thinking of all the ideas, not having my partner inspire me in any way and just feeling like he's smothering me with his desperation.

I'd love to go to Australia and I really don't know why I don't. I keep saying to my sister that if I were single I would be on a plane out there straight away. But this relationship isn't making me happy, so why am I staying in it??

JustinBsMum Fri 26-Jul-13 07:51:17

As in karinmaria's post there is a good chance that you moving on is the catalyst he needs to sort his life out. He isn't fulfilling his aims either from the sound of it. Start making your plans and once they are in place tell him you are leaving (shortly before you go or you will have to put up with possibly weeks of recriminations) and best of luck to him.

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